Confession for Recurring Sin?

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bengeorge

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Hello, I am a hypocrite and a sinner.

I have a girlfriend, whom I intend to marry.

I have failed repeatedly in my duty to chastity with her. We make promises to each other to be chaste, a few days later those promises are broken.

“Why do we do that?” we say.
“Let’s make a real effort to stop.”
“Why would we want to try to sneak marshmellows into the Garden of Eden? Let’s let our appetite grow, let’s not spoil the feast. Why stop at McDonalds on your way to the best restaurant in town?”

But we fail, yet again.

I am in a state of mortal sin. I want to stop, I want to receive Eucharist, but based on past experience with myself, I have to wonder if any confession I offer right now would be valid, seeing as how I’ve failed so often, “incontinence” they call it, and that’s exactly how it feels… “Here comes the sin,” I think to myself, “you better fight it! Saints help me, God help me, get up, leave the room, go do something else… too late.” It’s embarrassing, to be so unable/unwilling to follow through on holiness.

Should I not recieve confession/Eucharist until I ~know~ for certain that I will never repeat this sin, or should I confess and recieve, with the knowledge that it probably will happen again, but with the hope that with grace I will be able to abstain?

Or should I just marry her posthaste? “Better to marry than to burn,” as the man said.
 
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bengeorge:
Hello, I am a hypocrite and a sinner.

I have a girlfriend, whom I intend to marry.

I have failed repeatedly in my duty to chastity with her. We make promises to each other to be chaste, a few days later those promises are broken.

“Why do we do that?” we say.
“Let’s make a real effort to stop.”
“Why would we want to try to sneak marshmellows into the Garden of Eden? Let’s let our appetite grow, let’s not spoil the feast. Why stop at McDonalds on your way to the best restaurant in town?”

But we fail, yet again.

I am in a state of mortal sin. I want to stop, I want to receive Eucharist, but based on past experience with myself, I have to wonder if any confession I offer right now would be valid, seeing as how I’ve failed so often, “incontinence” they call it, and that’s exactly how it feels… “Here comes the sin,” I think to myself, “you better fight it! Saints help me, God help me, get up, leave the room, go do something else… too late.” It’s embarrassing, to be so unable/unwilling to follow through on holiness.

Should I not recieve confession/Eucharist until I ~know~ for certain that I will never repeat this sin, or should I confess and recieve, with the knowledge that it probably will happen again, but with the hope that with grace I will be able to abstain?

Or should I just marry her posthaste? “Better to marry than to burn,” as the man said.
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Start by exercising a lot more maturity and wisdom to back up your stated mutual desire to “make a real effort to stop” this recurring serious sin. Avoid the occasions for sin. If you both lack the self-restraint (unable), then maybe for starters to not allow yourselves to be alone. Go confess your sin with a firm, concrete resolve on how to practically avoid the occasions for sin (grace in action). If it is more a matter of not wanting to stop sinning (unwilling), then I would question your maturity to enter into marriage. Maybe you need to defer marriage until you can purify your motives. Ask your priest confessor. This is simply ruining the taste for the real thing in it’s proper place.
 
Why not just get married?

Long engagements can sometimes be just long temptations.
 
Avoid any situation whatsoever where you two are alone for long enough to give into temptation. Part of our efforts to avoid sin must include the effort to avoid those things that tempt us to sin. In fact, knowingly entering a near occasion of sin is in fact sinful.

So, are you still doing any of the following:

-Spending the night or long hours at the other’s house alone (or worse, in the same bed)?
-Driving to isolated areas to be alone?
-Talking about “what you would do if you could”? (i.e. phone sex)

Some of the things I listed aren’t necessarily sinful–but they are certainly temptations. These have to be avoided too, because there comes a point where, in the right situation, no amount of self-restraint or willpower can help anymore.
 
Bengeorge,

You and your girlfriend need to prove to each other that you have self contol. This is very important for a good marriage. If you can’t control yourself when you are with her, how will she know you are controlling yourself when you are with another woman? And how will you know she is controlling herself when she is with another man?
 
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JimG:
Why not just get married?

Long engagements can sometimes be just long temptations.
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St. Paul would seem to be in agreement with you…
1 Cor 7:8-9:
Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire.
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Buy the cow and the milk’s legit.

Alan
 
Hmm… perhaps ask yourselves a question: do you really believe in chastity for reasons that you understand and believe to be right, or do you take it for a religious rule without explanation?

There is a very good reason for chastity. It takes some effort to have sex, so an element of convincing yourself it isn’t wrong is likely to be there.

So perhaps some reading about chastity?

Maybe try to look on it from this side: Women may be different, but for guys, it’s already painful to think about the things the woman had done before with other men. We may realise that confessed is forgiven and all, but the human nature is still weak. If you end up marrying someone else, it’s going to be a problem. It may be something to stand between her and her future husband and you and your future wife. The things people do even while abstaining are already a far stretch for human endurance and sex is so much more.

It may also look pointless to try and strive to be chaste after you’ve already “done it”. But, with confession and the state of grace, one can be pure as the driven snow again. It isn’t pointless. And God is forgiving. It still counts as chastity.

Marrying the woman looks like a good idea and the point about long engagements is a good one, but try not to end up in a marriage revolving around sex. By this I mean, don’t let yourself get stuck in a relationship in which sex is the main concern. It won’t ever make you happy.
 
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chevalier:
Maybe try to look on it from this side: Women may be different, but for guys, it’s already painful to think about the things the woman had done before with other men. We may realise that confessed is forgiven and all, but the human nature is still weak. If you end up marrying someone else, it’s going to be a problem. It may be something to stand between her and her future husband and you and your future wife. The things people do even while abstaining are already a far stretch for human endurance and sex is so much more.
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Isn’t it funny how we have a double standard? Guys who get around are studs whereas girls are cheap. Of course, with guys the whole thing is “external” in a physical way, and probably often in a psychological way, too. It’s very disgusting to think about, well, ugh… At that point, it’s about letting go of the past.

Alan
 
Yes! Go to confession - frequently!

The good news for anyone who is stuck in habitual sin is that forgiveness is available even when you know that you will probably fall into sin again. The requirement for receiving Christ’s forgiveness is that you be truly sorry for your sin at the time that you confess. You describe being truly remorseful, but then falling into the habit of sin despite choosing to avoid it. The graces given in the sacrament of Reconciliation can strengthen you to fight your sin.

Your responsibility is to continue to fight against the habit of sin. The other posts so far have given some great advice.

Whether you get married right away or not really has to depend on your relationship with your fiancée. Are you truly willing to love each other? Notice I didn’t say “are you in love with each other.” Being “in love” is an emotional experience, which is an important part of marriage, but do not keep you together forever. Are you willing to sacrifice for each other, to be faithful and to be together permanently? Are you willing to raise a family together? If you are - then what are you waiting for? If you are not, then wait to get married, and examine your relationship. It may be the hard answer, but maybe you need to break up for the best for both of you. I don’t know your situation.

However, whether you get married or not the problem that you are facing is the problem of lust. Even in marriage, you don’t want to use each other as sex objects. You need to get your lust under control. Put forth the effort on your part, but don’t do it alone. Go to the sacrament of Reconciliation with true contrition in your heart. Ask Jesus for the grace to combat your lust. He will help you. As long as you have not committed the sin again, receive the Lord in the Eucharist and gain the fortification of His True Presence. If you fall again, get to confession before you receive the Eucharist again.

My only caution is that you not become presumptuous about Christ’s grace. Don’t allow His grace to become an excuse for falling into sin: “That’s all right, I can fail again because Christ will just forgive me.”

Habitual sin is usually a mitigating circumstance. In other words, it can reduce your culpability for a sin. Habit can even make a sin of serious matter venial because it reduces your ability to choose. Take comfort in that fact, but don’t rely on it too much. A sin that draws someone else into sin, causes damage to others, and degrades another’ s dignity is much more difficult to mitigate because the nature of these sins makes their evil obviously profound. Premarital sex definitely meets all of these descriptions. Treat this sin seriously, as it seems you have been, and seek Christ’s mercy and grace in the sacraments.
 
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