Confession, spiritual advisor, avoiding scruples

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SeekingRevert

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I hate to add to the sheer mountain of “was my confession valid” questions, but I have a weird twist. (also if this is in the wrong section, I’m sorry 😊)

I am potentially reverting - I was a catholic through confirmation until I lapsed at 16 and married an evangelical outside of the church. Some years later (:eek:) I was finally fed up with our church’s anti-catholic lies and I looked into the things that bothered me about the church. I’m now moving in the direction of reverting. After a while, 2 months ago, I felt strongly I needed to confess, including the part where I hadn’t confessed in years and years (frankly, my mom wasn’t one to take me to confession when I WAS catholic, so.)

I went into the confession and forgot the act of contrition altogether, and then in my flustered-ness forgot everything I came to confess except the years lapsed. So I confessed that, was absolved, and was given the penance of reading Scott Hahn’s books, in particular Rome Sweet Home. (I found out the pastor actually quoted it in the confessional! ha.)

Anyway, my husband is kind of anti-catholic (not rabidly so, but he does believe what the evangelical church says about Catholicism and classifies Catholics with JWs and Mormons) so when I discussed my reversion with him he was horrified. And upset. He has severe anxiety issues, so I agreed to not discuss it further with him and “not do anything rash” until he was ready to discuss it with me again. And of course I would raise the children under his spiritual direction, but I would not allow lies about the Church to stand.

Two months later, I could not get out from under the need to confess again. I was, of course, privately studying and still coming more and more to the conclusion that the church was right (Mary and indulgences and I are doing rounds right now, but the Church has won everywhere else. So.)

I was doing my best to say an act of contrition every night, but the fact that I couldn’t go to mass and actually confess was weighing on me more and more deeply, but he’s still very stressed and frazzled. So I endeavored to at least go quietly to confession today. I have very young children, so doing this is not easy. I could not get anyone to watch them, so I had to bring them with me. The priest there (a different parish - i went based on the set confession time that was most convenient, hoping there would be someone to watch the kids in line. There wasn’t.)

Having learned my lesson the first time, I did an examination of conscience via Laudate, eliminated it down to the bare essentials (two months of sins is a lot!) and had it in a list I could confess pretty quickly, so I could confess a few things that I had forgotten to confess the first time that were really, really weighing on me.

Well, the priest didn’t want to use the screen, he didn’t want me to use my list (and I did get flustered!) and so I wanted then to get straight to the previously missed sins, even though I think they were absolved by priest 1??? As aforesaid, they were huge and really really weighing on me. So I started by explaining that I was a revert and suddenly he didn’t even want to hear my confession. He wanted to chat about reversion and my “catholic identity” I tried to move into confessing my sins again, but he asked if I loved my husband (um, yes, or I’d be here every sunday.) and kept bringing it back to I don’t have to be Catholic, but husband should respect my right to be. I should definitely not read Hahn’s books, because he’s still really an evangelical. (?!) And I haven’t sinned, so I should stop worrying.

But he said the prayer over me, so I’m pretty sure it’s licit. In the future, should I just assume that all sins I have not gotten a chance to confess because the priest talked over me or told me not to worry about them (! I wasn’t confessing venial sins, dude, it had been TWO MONTHS.) are just forgiven? I don’t want to somehow acquire scruples.

He didn’t give me a penance at all, just to stop reading hahn’s books and to go to RCIA.
 
Also, are Hahn’s books particularly uncatholic? What parts could the priest be concerned about??
 
Dear Seeking, you have so many issues here, and I know that other posters more knowledgable than I am will answer you. I just want to reassure you about Scott Hahn’s books. Scott Hahn was a Presbyterian minister who converted to Catholicism, and he is now a professor at Franciscan University. “Home Sweet Rome” is a wonderful book in which he and his wife Kimberly tell the story of their journey to the Catholic faith. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. His book “Hail Holy Queen” will help you understand the Catholic teachings about Mary from the Holy Scriptures. You might also like his book “Reasons to Believe,” and “The Lamb’s Supper” which will help you understand the Mass more fully. These books will also be great to share with your husband since Dr. Hahn writes in a style which is familiar and accessible to Protestants since he once was one.

You seem to be having problems finding a good priest who can assist you in coming back to the Church. You might consider sending a private e-mail message to Fr. Vincent Serpa, the Catholic Answers chaplain. He may be able to steer you to a good priest in your area. Welcome back home!
 
SeekingRevert said:
/…/

I am potentially reverting - I was a catholic through confirmation until I lapsed at 16 and married an evangelical outside of the church. Some years later (:eek:) I was finally fed up with our church’s anti-catholic lies and I looked into the things that bothered me about the church. I’m now moving in the direction of reverting. After a while, 2 months ago, I felt strongly I needed to confess, including the part where I hadn’t confessed in years and years (frankly, my mom wasn’t one to take me to confession when I WAS catholic, so.)

I went into the confession and forgot the act of contrition altogether, and then in my flustered-ness forgot everything I came to confess except the years lapsed. So I confessed that, was absolved, and was given the penance of reading Scott Hahn’s books /…/

Anyway, my husband is kind of anti-catholic (not rabidly so, but he does believe what the evangelical church says about Catholicism and classifies Catholics with JWs and Mormons) so when I discussed my reversion with him he was horrified. And upset. He has severe anxiety issues, so I agreed to not discuss it further with him and “not do anything rash” until he was ready to discuss it with me again. And of course I would raise the children under his spiritual direction, but I would not allow lies about the Church to stand

Two months later, I could not get out from under the need to confess again. I was, of course, privately studying and still coming more and more to the conclusion that the church was right (Mary and indulgences and I are doing rounds right now, but the Church has won everywhere else. So.)

I was doing my best to say an act of contrition every night, but the fact that I couldn’t go to mass and actually confess was weighing on me more and more deeply, but he’s still very stressed and frazzled. So I endeavored to at least go quietly to confession today. I have very young children, so doing this is not easy. I could not get anyone to watch them, so I had to bring them with me. The priest there (a different parish - i went based on the set confession time that was most convenient, hoping there would be someone to watch the kids in line. There wasn’t.)

Having learned my lesson the first time, I did an examination of conscience via Laudate, eliminated it down to the bare essentials (two months of sins is a lot!) and had it in a list I could confess pretty quickly, so I could confess a few things that I had forgotten to confess the first time that were really, really weighing on me /…/

But he said the prayer over me, so I’m pretty sure it’s licit. In the future, should I just assume that all sins I have not gotten a chance to confess because the priest talked over me or told me not to worry about them (! I wasn’t confessing venial sins, dude, it had been TWO MONTHS.) are just forgiven? I don’t want to somehow acquire scruples.

He didn’t give me a penance at all, just to stop reading hahn’s books and to go to RCIA.
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You’ve had a bit of an odyssey. I’m afraid I’m going to have to add to it a bit

Your specific situation needs specific counsel beyond what, as a priest, I can reasonably give in a public forum

Before I write anything, I want to say a word of warm & cordial welcome

It’s a wonderful thing that you were moved, twice, to go to confession. It’s unfortunate that my brother priests did not make a better go of it than what you’re indicating

That said, let’s leave aside for now the particular points you raise about confessing and the fact that there was a lacking in the confessions being integral in terms of what is being brought to the sacrament…given the circumstances you describe, that’s understandable and there is certainly no culpability on your part. You would have been absolved. That’s unaffected by your not remembering the Act of Contrition and the second confessor not imposing a penance

The problem, however, is you indicate you had left the practice of the faith after being confirmed, at 16, and you married outside of the Church. I can only presume that this marriage occurred therefore without complying with canon law concerning marriage. This would indicate that your marriage would not be valid because of defect of form and living in an invalid marriage is going to have its consequences that need to be dealt with. That issue needs to be addressed before attempting to receive the sacrament of penance again

I would urge you to make an appointment with your parish priest to address systematically in the external forum – which means not in the confessional or in the context of going to confession – the issues needing to be addressed to fully reconcile you, above all regarding your marriage and then how you may be able to live the Catholic faith in the context of a marriage in which your husband is so opposed and is also so compromised by his anxiety issues, which compound trying to reach a detente

If you and/or your husband have not been married before, resolving the defect of form can take two plausible avenues but your husband’s want of enthusiasm for your practicing your Catholic faith is an issue that should not be ignored as it seems likely to be a source of ongoing tension…not to say distress…for both of you

I’m not sure why the second priest is directing you to the RCIA when you are Catholic…baptised and confirmed. Certainly, you would benefit from adult faith education but the marriage issue and getting you properly reconciled is its own avenue that needs to be pursued

Frankly, without being able to meaningfully speculate – since I don’t know anything beyond what you’ve written – you have a unique challenge in trying to practice the Catholic faith in the circumstances of your husband’s displeasure at any prospect thereof. Which is another reason why you need a series of conversations, in person, with a priest who can help you and advise you
 
In re-reading my post, I think I was not systematic enough in explaining the conversation you need to have with your parish priest. Let me try that again with shorter points.
  1. That you are Catholic…baptised and confirmed. (I hope you know or can ascertain where you were baptised or at least remember where you were confirmed.)
  2. That you stopped practicing the faith as a teenager.
  3. That during this period of time away from the Church, you contracted marriage outside the Church.
  4. (You would need to explain if you or your husband had either or both been married before that marriage occurred in the non-Catholic setting.)
  5. That you wish to return to the practice of the faith.
  6. That your husband opposes your return to Catholicism – and opposes Catholicism.
  7. That your husband suffers from a condition that compromises the ability to discuss this topic with him.
  8. After all this, a discussion can ensue about the confessions that didn’t quite work out the way they should have.
I assure you of my prayers.
 
It did not occur to me that I would be unable to receive reconciliation. Oh dear. I am aware of my inability to recieve Eucharist, to my great dismay.

I will call the parish priest Monday.

Thank you.
 
I will re-post an older post of mine:

A person struggles with scruples - what ought they do?

A person with scrupulosity --ought to have a* “regular confessor” *who can direct them --and even give them some general principles/rules to follow -to apply (principles for them due to their particular scruples -they are usually not for those with a normal conscience). Thus with their direction they can dismiss scruples. Such is the age old practice in the Church.

Scruples are to be dismissed not argued with.

*Scruples are like a barking dog or a hissing goose -one does not stop to argue with a barking dog or a hissing goose does one? *

(image borrowed from a Carthusian writer from a few centuries ago)

Such ‘obedience’ (except in what is manifest sin - such as if he told them it was ok to murder someone or something certain like that) is key. Such is the age old practice.

As to counseling - that could be helpful depending on the case -but one would want to look for a counselor who can assist one in following the Churches Teachings - not go contrary to them (I have heard CA staff mention catholictherapists.com/) Some person with scrupulosity may yes also suffer from OCD - but the two are not simply equated.

Here was a recent post from Jimmy Akin of CA that I saw in the Register and saved for those who struggle with such.

ncregister.com/blog/jimmy-akin/6-tools-for-the-scrupulous
Also I will add that a person can go through a case of “transient scruples”. Which is good news in a way. For they are more easily dealt with.

Such can be due to being a convert to the faith. Such is noted in theological works in terms of (some of) those who have a conversion (even if they were a Catholic all their life - but now have had a more intense turning to Christ and seeking Christian perfection).

Such can even be helpful for they can make one be more sensitive in conscience in a good way. Helpful that is if you have a regular confessor who can judge your case - and who can then direct you and help you in forming your conscience and in doing so the “transient scruples” can clear up and one can go forward with a better formed conscience and commitment to the Lord.

In any case - a regular confessor is key for those who struggle with scruples - be they transient or a more persistent difficulty

Work with a regular confessor he can determine if one struggles from scruples and guide one.
 
I will re-post an older post of mine:

A person struggles with scruples - what ought they do?

A person with scrupulosity --ought to have a* “regular confessor” *who can direct them --and even give them some general principles/rules to follow -to apply (principles for them due to their particular scruples -they are usually not for those with a normal conscience). Thus with their direction they can dismiss scruples. Such is the age old practice in the Church.

Scruples are to be dismissed not argued with.

*Scruples are like a barking dog or a hissing goose -one does not stop to argue with a barking dog or a hissing goose does one? *

(image borrowed from a Carthusian writer from a few centuries ago)

Such ‘obedience’ (except in what is manifest sin - such as if he told them it was ok to murder someone or something certain like that) is key. Such is the age old practice.

As to counseling - that could be helpful depending on the case -but one would want to look for a counselor who can assist one in following the Churches Teachings - not go contrary to them (I have heard CA staff mention catholictherapists.com/) Some person with scrupulosity may yes also suffer from OCD - but the two are not simply equated.

Here was a recent post from Jimmy Akin of CA that I saw in the Register and saved for those who struggle with such.

ncregister.com/blog/jimmy-akin/6-tools-for-the-scrupulous
Also I will add that a person can go through a case of “transient scruples”. Which is good news in a way. For they are more easily dealt with.

Such can be due to being a convert to the faith. Such is noted in theological works in terms of (some of) those who have a conversion (even if they were a Catholic all their life - but now have had a more intense turning to Christ and seeking Christian perfection).

Such can even be helpful for they can make one be more sensitive in conscience in a good way. Helpful that is if you have a regular confessor who can judge your case - and who can then direct you and help you in forming your conscience and in doing so the “transient scruples” can clear up and one can go forward with a better formed conscience and commitment to the Lord.

In any case - a regular confessor is key for those who struggle with scruples - be they transient or a more persistent difficulty

Work with a regular confessor he can determine if one struggles from scruples and guide one…
Now regarding your particular stage in returning to the Church - the above applies regarding confession of course when you are able to return to that Sacrament …discuss with your Priest…I am not sure where you are at from the above post…regarding your not being married yet in the Church (? I assume this has not be rectified yet) etc etc …
 
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