Conflicted about someone

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garegin_asatrya

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My downstairs neighbor has a young lady and her mother living with them as their nanny. A few weeks ago I met them in church and she said in brief passing that I could help to tutor her. I am afraid that if I told her how I feel, our families would get involved and cause an embarrassing scandal. She often dresses immodestly and I don’t want them to think that I like her because she “displays her goods” inappropriately. I know I have to be patient, but I only see her seldom in the building lobby and its hard to strike up a conversation when you are rushing to work in the morning.
I feel ashamed that I keep thinking about her every day instead of other people around me, even daydreaming on the altar. I just feel very warmly about her and sometimes can’t bottle things up anymore.
In the least I want her to know that she inspires me to lead a more upright life, to respect the dignity of women, to not give in to lust. I’m afraid that if I tell her she might take it the wrong way and look like a complete fool or things could go sour between our families.
 
garegin_asatrya said:
My downstairs neighbor has a young lady and her mother living with them as their nanny. A few weeks ago I met them in church and she said in brief passing that I could help to tutor her. I am afraid that if I told her how I feel, our families would get involved and cause an embarrassing scandal. She often dresses immodestly and I don’t want them to think that I like her because she “displays her goods” inappropriately. I know I have to be patient, but I only see her seldom in the building lobby and its hard to strike up a conversation when you are rushing to work in the morning.
I feel ashamed that I keep thinking about her every day instead of other people around me, even daydreaming on the altar. I just feel very warmly about her and sometimes can’t bottle things up anymore.
In the least I want her to know that she inspires me to lead a more upright life, to respect the dignity of women, to not give in to lust. I’m afraid that if I tell her she might take it the wrong way and look like a complete fool or things could go sour between our families.
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Tell her how you feel, and don’t mention the immodesty bit. If you describe yourself adequately, she shouldn’t think you “like her because she ‘displays her goods’ inappropriately”.
 
When you say you’re worried about your families, I wonder whether you live with your family and therefore how old you are.

What is it that you do find attractive about the young lady? It sounds like you haven’t had much opportunity to talk with her. My advice would be to try to find opportunity to have some conversation with her before telling her how attracted you are to her or doing anything else. Since she lives in your building, you could go downstairs and ask to borrow a tool or a cup of sugar. You could try to strike up another conversation at church and find out what she likes to read and then later drop off a book she might enjoy. Little things like this will add up over time and cause you to both consider each other friends. Let that be the foundation for romantic intimacy.
 
garegin_asatrya said:
My downstairs neighbor has a young lady and her mother living with them as their nanny. A few weeks ago I met them in church and she said in brief passing that I could help to tutor her. I am afraid that if I told her how I feel, our families would get involved and cause an embarrassing scandal. She often dresses immodestly and I don’t want them to think that I like her because she “displays her goods” inappropriately. I know I have to be patient, but I only see her seldom in the building lobby and its hard to strike up a conversation when you are rushing to work in the morning.
I feel ashamed that I keep thinking about her every day instead of other people around me, even daydreaming on the altar. I just feel very warmly about her and sometimes can’t bottle things up anymore.
In the least I want her to know that she inspires me to lead a more upright life, to respect the dignity of women, to not give in to lust. I’m afraid that if I tell her she might take it the wrong way and look like a complete fool or things could go sour between our families.
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I don’t think you know her well enough to tell her you think about her all the time and are inspired by her to lead an upright life.

Not sure why you brought up her immodest dressing at all if it is not a problem for you. It actually sounds like it might be.
 
she’s 23, 24, I’m 26 and yes I live with my parents. I think you misunderstood. I don’t want not her, but my **parents **to think I like her because of her looks. And I did talk to her many times before, but the one in church was the longest. There are always other people at her home so its hard to have a private conversation. I’ll try to tell her mom and her to come to church together with me. they usually come much later as the church is an hour’s ride. that way at least we could have a chance to talk.
I don’t know if there are other men courting her and I don’t want to bother her by “coming in too strong”. I just think that if I told her about my inspiration I might inspire her to strive for the better too.
 
garegin_asatrya said:
I just think that if I told her about my inspiration I might inspire her to strive for the better too.
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How does she inspire you again? By dressing provocatively?

I wouldn’t tell her that she inspires you. If someone told me that it would make me feel really uncomfortable, unless they knew me well and I really had done something worthy of admiration. But the admission definitely wouldn’t inspire me to do or change anything. If you want to inspire her, be a holy, upright man, build a friendship and go from there.
 
garegin_asatrya said:
G-d forgive you! Advice taken, however.
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I wasn’t being facetious. You really didn’t tell us anything about her. You said she dresses provocatively and a sentence or two later that she inspires you not to lust and to treat women well. So it’s unclear to me how she manages to do that when you haven’t had many long conversations with her.

But I’m sorry that I seem to have offended you. I really wish you best of luck with this lady.
 
nodito said:
I wasn’t being facetious. You really didn’t tell us anything about her. You said she dresses provocatively and a sentence or two later that she inspires you not to lust and to treat women well. So it’s unclear to me how she manages to do that when you haven’t had many long conversations with her.
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👍 that is what I was also getting at.
 
I wasn’t being facetious. You really didn’t tell us anything about her. You said she dresses provocatively and a sentence or two later that she inspires you not to lust and to treat women well. So it’s unclear to me how she manages to do that when you haven’t had many long conversations with her.
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She does that by being kind and patient with my neighbor’s daughter even though she drives them up the wall. It’s hard to explain how the two are related. When you see others do good things, you want to be good yourself. It’s many other small things also. One of them being that she only came from Armenia three years ago and I am learning a lot from her about the culture and getting a different perspective on things.
Also I have known her for three years and had many conversations, just not long ones. As for the immodesty bit, it’s what average NY-ers wear. Some people just imitate their peers I guess, and don’t mean anything by it. I just didn’t want my parents to get the idea that I like her because of good looks.
 
They wouldn’t think that is why if you talk about something else when you speak about her.
Again, you still keep talking about her looks. If she dresses as everyone else does, " typical NYers" why are you singling her out as "displaying her goods? "

Honestly, I was and am, completely turned off from the moment I read that. I would hate for any guy to be speaking about my daughter in that wording. It is vulgar, and the fact that you even used it bothers me. Her body is not “her goods.”

So again, I think it is you that has the problem and that you possibly DO have an interest in her for her looks. You looked at her for her looks, and then later realized she has a wonderful personality. And that’s fine, just not as you are trying to portray yourself .
 
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