Confront sister who is Shacking Up?

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beckyann2597

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Okay, here is the short story. Sister-in-law met guy on Spring Break one year. Dated via phone and e-mail for six months. MIL and FIL helped daughter move across the country, to same town as boyfriend, to live with her Aunt. That lasted one week and she moved in with him. They have now been shacking up for four years. MIL blames herself, but flip-flops between accepting of the whole thing to justify her choices (she once told me that “life is complicated” and that we should not judge thier love) and complete devastation and scared for her soul.
Fast forward to now. DH is mad at his sister for continuing to make poor choice and wants her to “move home”. She is flying out in two weeks to go on a minivacation with us and our kids and her parents. DH wants to do an intervention to convince her to move back, that she is never going to marry this guy so stop wasting time, that she is breaking her parents hearts and seperating herself from the rest of us by being across the country and the choices she is making.
I disagree with this tactic. Whenever the subject comes up, I let her know we disagree and wish she would move home, but I don’t press too hard. I see no point. I don’t believe she will change until either they break up or he has some sort of conversion of heart. Only her actions can change the situation, not mine.
So my question is, what would be your approach?
 
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beckyann2597:
Okay, here is the short story. Sister-in-law met guy on Spring Break one year. Dated via phone and e-mail for six months. MIL and FIL helped daughter move across the country, to same town as boyfriend, to live with her Aunt. That lasted one week and she moved in with him. They have now been shacking up for four years. MIL blames herself, but flip-flops between accepting of the whole thing to justify her choices (she once told me that “life is complicated” and that we should not judge thier love) and complete devastation and scared for her soul.
Fast forward to now. DH is mad at his sister for continuing to make poor choice and wants her to “move home”. She is flying out in two weeks to go on a minivacation with us and our kids and her parents. DH wants to do an intervention to convince her to move back, that she is never going to marry this guy so stop wasting time, that she is breaking her parents hearts and seperating herself from the rest of us by being across the country and the choices she is making.
I disagree with this tactic. Whenever the subject comes up, I let her know we disagree and wish she would move home, but I don’t press too hard. I see no point. I don’t believe she will change until either they break up or he has some sort of conversion of heart. Only her actions can change the situation, not mine.
So my question is, what would be your approach?
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I agree with you. It sounds like your SIL knows full well how her family feels. An “intervention” or other attempt to force a grown woman how to behave may very well escalate the anger but not change the situation. If your husband can put aside his anger at her, he might share his feelings with his sister–stressing that he says it because he loves her and wants her to do what is best for her in the long run. But everyone needs to recognize that she won’t change until she decides to change. Give her reasons to change but let her make her own decision. The worse case scenario (and it could happen) is if she and your MIL turn against your husband (for getting angry at his sister or whatever). It is a delicate situation with very long-term consequences on family relationships. Your approach is best–frequent, gentle reminders that she has better choices than her current choices and that her family loves her and wants what is best for her.
 
I think having an “intervention” might backfire; however, this time together would be a good chance to talk. Maybe you can find out what her hopes for the future are and help her figure out what she needs to do to get there. Treating her like a naughty child would probably be counterproductive.
 
My husband spent some time chatting with his mom and I think that she is actually on board with this whole intervention idea. I will have to speak with FIL to find out his thoughts. He is usually with me all the way.
 
Ehhhhhhhh. If this “intervention” takes place, good luck getting your SIL to join any of you for a “vacation” ever again. Talk about being blindsighted!

Has anyone asked your SIL if she actually wants to marry this guy? Four years is a long time to live with someone and whether or not she claims to be unhappy, she chooses this situation. Apparently it works for her. It’s fine to let her know where all of you stand about it–preferrably individually and with kindness, not some sort of full-frontal attack plan–but expecting your SIL to respond like a chastised child is just plain silly. Does your husband really think she’s going to go home from vacation, break up with her boyfriend, quit her job, say goodbye to her friends and move back to her hometown to be around people who just collaborated to denigrate her entire lifestyle? And then easily transition back into life with a great new job, no resentment toward any of you and no homesick feelings regarding her four year relationship?

It sounds like your husband may be operating on what is best to fully vent HIS anger and not what is best to reclaim your sister back into the Church. I’m sure he has good intentions, but his plan sounds like the quickest way to alienate her from both the family AND the Church. She may even end up staying with her boyfriend out of pride for much longer than the natural course of their relationship, all so she doesn’t end up proving any of you to be right.

Living by example is also a great way to influence those you love. If you and your husband are living your life in a Catholic way and in full communion with the Church, let her see the beauty of your marriage and how much you mutually adore your children and one another. Embarrassing your SIL into change just won’t happen, your husband will only scare her further away. I hope and pray that doesn’t happen!
 
I think that I will have my husband take a look at these comments, it may give him another perspective. So please, keep them coming!
 
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beckyann2597:
…I disagree with this tactic. Whenever the subject comes up, I let her know we disagree and wish she would move home, but I don’t press too hard. I see no point. I don’t believe she will change until either they break up or he has some sort of conversion of heart. Only her actions can change the situation, not mine.
So my question is, what would be your approach?
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I would do EXACTLY what you are doing. It is difficult because your hubby and his sister have that special connection. ( i see it with my 2 kids) But he might just push her further away.
~ Kathy ~
 
I can’t offer much advice but I do know that bugging them to get married is not a good idea. Speaking statistically couples living together are MUCH more likely to divorce when the marriage is a result of family pressure. If they are not serious it is best to not push that issue, again statistically speaking the relationship wil run it’s course and they will either decide to marry or seperate.
 
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Shlemele:
I can’t offer much advice but I do know that bugging them to get married is not a good idea. Speaking statistically couples living together are MUCH more likely to divorce when the marriage is a result of family pressure. If they are not serious it is best to not push that issue, again statistically speaking the relationship wil run it’s course and they will either decide to marry or seperate.
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That’s a statistic I haven’t heard. I have heard that couples living together are more likely to divorce but haven’t heard any statistics about family pressure. Nor have I heard that “statistically speaking the relationship wil [sic] run it’s [sic] course”. Can you cite the support for your “statistics”?
 
I know Dr.Laura always is siting those kinds of statistics. I will check out her site. I have also heard that they usually don’t get married, and in just watching friends who are not Christian make these same bad choices, that it is true. They put themselves into a psuedo marriage and end up having to go through a divorce of sorts. Its really ugly. I consider myself a feminist (for life!) and I see nothing Liberating about shacking up. You have no legal rights and no real promises to stay together. Its a really very unliberating.
 
If your family isn’t doing so already, I’d like to recommend that you offer up the Rosary for his sister on a regular basis. In the meantime, it looks like you’ve received good advice regarding the potential harm that a confrontation of the sort your DH is planning could cause. At this point, lots and lots of Charity towards your SIL seem to be the best approach. And she’ll likely need you guys some time soon, when this errant relationship falls apart.

Take Care and God Bless,

CARose
 
Just had a conversation with DH. Turns out that I took him more literally than he intended. He is not suggesting a formal intervention, only a whole lot of honesty. You see, remember when I siad MIL goes between complete acceptance and complete despair? Well, it turns DH and I are the only ones who hear the despair part. In front of SIL, they act like everything is Honkey Dorey and DH is sick of it. He just wants them to say, We don’t like this, we never have and its breaking our hearts.
La Chiara:
It sounds like your SIL knows full well how her family feels.
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I would like to say that SIL knows, but I really think she doesn’t. Have you ever known a person that is really book smart but can’t read people or situations at all? Thats SIL for you. When I was first dating DH, I thought she must be joking, but she wasn’t. Because of this peculiar trait, her family has always protected her from anything and everything they felt would hurt her or put her in an awkward situation, which is a good thing. Except that now they don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad by telling her how they really feel.
DH just wants his Mom and Dad to cut the bull and tell the truth and to them , that is as bad as a tradional intervention.
 
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CARose:
I’d like to recommend that you offer up the Rosary for his sister on a regular basis.
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I know my MIL prays the Rosary daily for her. Thank you for your advice. I pray for her daily and when we do talk I stay firm in my beliefs in as charitable a way as I can.
 
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beckyann2597:
I would like to say that SIL knows, but I really think she doesn’t. Have you ever known a person that is really book smart but can’t read people or situations at all? Thats SIL for you. When I was first dating DH, I thought she must be joking, but she wasn’t. Because of this peculiar trait, her family has always protected her from anything and everything they felt would hurt her or put her in an awkward situation, which is a good thing. Except that now they don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad by telling her how they really feel.
DH just wants his Mom and Dad to cut the bull and tell the truth and to them , that is as bad as a tradional intervention.
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Yep, I do know people like that. My SIL (husband’s sister) is lacking in the social skills and tact departments, and my in-laws fall all over themselves to protect her and her feelings too. Many years ago, I stood up for myself when she was rude to me. But I learned that the in-laws only got mad at me for getting SIL upset and my husband fundamentally didn’t want dissension in the family either. So I learned to limit my dealings with her and choose not to get mad, no matter what she said. And I had a sister who was living with a then-boyfriend. My parents pretended that it wasn’t happening and got mad when I pointed it out to them because they didn’t want to believe it.

Good luck to your DH. It might work. But maybe not. I have learned that parents of adult children–yes, even Catholic parents–often don’t want to see certain things. I can’t change them, I can’t change grown adult siblings or in-laws. But I am very conscious as a parent not to put blinders on.
 
Thankfully DH has a way of communicating with his parents and sister that I cannot master. At times his mother and I don’t communicate well. During one telephone conversation with her, I saw the situation escalating and I handed the phone to him so he could deal with it. He de-escalated the situation in no time at all. When he hung up the phone I siad, “How did you do that!” He pretended to wield a sword and siad, “I am a Jedi Master.” If anyone can persuade his parents, he can.
 
La Chiara:
That’s a statistic I haven’t heard. I have heard that couples living together are more likely to divorce but haven’t heard any statistics about family pressure. Nor have I heard that “statistically speaking the relationship wil [sic] run it’s [sic] course”. Can you cite the support for your “statistics”?
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The part about couples divorcing significantly more I can readily find a lot of support for, I need a bit more time to track down the periodical that I read the family pressure part though. I don’t have access to as many periodicals as I did in college (most you need a license to browse and I can’t justify the fees just to keep up to date). As soon as I find it I will post the findings. from a purely logical standpoint though we know A) people who live together are statistically more likely to divorce and B) people allow others to pressure them into a decision are more likely to regret it. B I know first hand as I sell furniture for a living. If a sales person pressures someone into something they aren’t sure about they are (from the reports my store used) around 3-4 times more likely to return it. If the customer decides that he/she likes the merchandise and takes an active part in the design process the instances for merchandise return drops dramatically. Even more so the customer feels good about his decision. This is why I out-sold the “high pressure” salespersons and, from what I have seen, this principal can be expanded to provide insight to how we value our role in our choices.

Sorry if that got a bit wordy but try thinking about it in terms of how you felt last time someone pressured you to make a decision. Now take that feeling and try to imagine how you would feel if your marriage is that decision. One more point, the statistics probably have cultural bias built in. If we lived in a society where marriage was arranged familial pressure would be perceived differently and probably throw off the statistics significantly.

Again I’ll see if I can find the exact periodical without paying a subscription… 👍
 
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beckyann2597:
…I would like to say that SIL knows, but I really think she doesn’t. Have you ever known a person that is really book smart but can’t read people or situations at all? …
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A lot of very intelligent people are book smart, but have little common sense. That may not necessarily be the case here. She is merely doing what SHE wants and NOT what OTHERS think she SHOULD do. As she is, I presume, of age, allow HER to make HER own decisions and YOU keep doing just what you are. My bet would be that outside interference, other than expressing how you feel, would most likely push her in the opposite direction. So, state your feelings and then BACK OFF.
~ Kathy ~
 
UPDATE!!!

I started this thread a while back and I wanted to let everyone who had given me advice and support the latest news…

My SIL moved out of her boyfriends house and is living in an apartment on her own. She is also talking about moving back to California , our home state! After 5 years of prayers, she is finally on her way! We are pleased with this news, but I have to admit that I am sad it has been such a hard road for her to travel. I am so very proud that she finally had the courage to do the right thing.
 
Is she still seeing the boyfriend though? Or have they broken up? If that’s the case it’s still a little sad…4 years is a long time of your life to waste on ‘Mr Wrong’…Anyway, prayers for your SIL!

Anna x
 
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