Confused about my marriage

[Tiribulus]

I am curious. How many people think that it is alright for anyone to put up with abuse, regardless of severity, frequencey and type; is it ok to put up with someone who sincerely makes you feel sick and awful, scared and trapped; should you always forgive that person because you are married to them and have children?

If you are in danger you need to get outta there with the kids or have him arrested if there is legal cause.

 

[gretahope]

Others are singing the praises of Al Anon. Many say it is a spiritual awakening of sorts. When I searched for the nearest center, it stated that it’s members are relatives of alcoholics and how they had to deal with such a person. That is hardly my case. I will try to contact them nonetheless.

Perhaps I should go and volunteer in a women’s shelter. Maybe it can offer some insight and help.

Thanks

I do not live w/ an alcoholic…but it doesn’t matter. It teaches about really great ways to see yourself—apart from another person—and how to then have healthy relationships.
Alcohol is just the “medication” for the hurts…and the other person is deals with the backlash.
It’s a nice safe haven for me and could be for you…while at the same time you find physcial safety as well. You’re in my prayers.

 

[Trinity117]

I am curious. How many people think that it is alright for anyone to put up with abuse, regardless of severity, frequencey and type; is it ok to put up with someone who sincerely makes you feel sick and awful, scared and trapped; should you always forgive that person because you are married to them and have children?

I have posted to you earlier on this thread: if there is a possibility that you or the children could be harmed, leave first, then discuss after you are safe. Again, having been in this situation myself, it is NEVER okay for abuse of any type. This is not a situation that can be remedied without professional help. Counseling can be attended while living apart or together, but you have to make that decision based on the level of safety in your home for all involved.

God bless, and I continue to pray for you.

 

[Still_Hoping]

There is some confusion; I have made it a point that my body and those of our children are not in danger. If I have any feelings of fear it is related to the behavior of my children and the impact the past has on them.

He was especially abusive in the first half of our marriage. There was a turn around some time later. Although he changed, I don’t feel secure or trust him enough to feel such. I am hurt and have to deal with it. Some days are better than others. We actually can get along and feel love for one another. He is trying to be loving and works hard.

What I find hard to accept is that now my children, in particular the eldest, has anger issues. My child has been disciplined at school for violent behavior. When I learned of these incidents, I was told that she was provoked and reacted in this manner. We even started some counselling. I am concerned; I attribute this behavior because of what she has been exposed to. This is my dilema. I often blame my husband for this. If he had shown respect for me from the beginning my children wouldn’t be dealing with these issues now.

In conclusion, I have this complex of blaming him for everything especially when things get tough. Perhaps, it was because I saw the signs and he completely ignored them. He didn’t respect my opinions and we got burned. Now, we all have live with the consequences. Through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer…

 

[Still_Hoping]

Thank you to Trinity and Greta for your prayers and all others who have prayed for me. The Lord must be listening because I have been greatly comforted this past week. I have gotten into the routine of daily prayer and it is giving me peace and comfort. It is important that we pray for eachother.

God Bless

 

[Trinity117]

Please know that I will continue to pray for you. That is the easiest thing I can do for someone yet it seems to have the greatest impact. God is good! I am sure that answers will come to you, and that this trial in your life will pass. Also know that I pray for your entire family, and I hope that your children can heal from this.

God bless you.

 

[St_Francis]

There is some confusion; I have made it a point that my body and those of our children are not in danger. If I have any feelings of fear it is related to the behavior of my children and the impact the past has on them.

He was especially abusive in the first half of our marriage. There was a turn around some time later. Although he changed, I don’t feel secure or trust him enough to feel such. I am hurt and have to deal with it. Some days are better than others. We actually can get along and feel love for one another. He is trying to be loving and works hard.

What I find hard to accept is that now my children, in particular the eldest, has anger issues. My child has been disciplined at school for violent behavior. When I learned of these incidents, I was told that she was provoked and reacted in this manner. We even started some counselling. I am concerned; I attribute this behavior because of what she has been exposed to. This is my dilema. I often blame my husband for this. If he had shown respect for me from the beginning my children wouldn’t be dealing with these issues now.

In conclusion, I have this complex of blaming him for everything especially when things get tough. Perhaps, it was because I saw the signs and he completely ignored them. He didn’t respect my opinions and we got burned. Now, we all have live with the consequences. Through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer…

This is a very tricky aspect of marriage, the fact that the responsibility of parenting is shared. If your child is showing difficulty in dealing with anger, it is in part due to your child’s own characteristics, a tendency towards anger, and in part due to what the child has learned from TV, parents, school, schoolmates, etc. I have two sons, one of whom is totally a peacemaker, and the other of whom will pick a fight–go figure! That’s the characteristics part.

So, yeah, seeing your husband dealing with things in a violent way may well have contributed to your daughter’s issues. This is what she thinks grown-ups do. Good counseling may well teach her the underlying errors in her thinking and help her to deal better with frustrating situations.

But putting the blame on your husband is not really going to help anyone, is it? What happened, happened, and there is nothing that he can do about it, except for maybe apologize to his daughter for showing her bad ways of dealing with stuff, and maybe even joining her in learning better ways of coping, which he probably won’t do.

I don’t know how old your daughter is, but there are many things in the Catholic faith which will help her, and these are things she apparently needs to know. How is her faith? Can you work with her on that aspect of her life to help her?

Another thing to consider, since she is having trouble at school, is perhaps homeschooling her, esp if she is in middle school, which I have heard from people in many different areas and school systems, is hellish. Seriously.

 

[joandarc2008]

Just remember PTSD is not just for soldiers in wars. It is for anyone that has suffered and been affected by trauma. I would suggest bringing this question up to your counselor - because you could be walking around in that hyper vigilante state waiting for the other shoe to drop. I survived a year in a combat zone with minimal issues - I did not make it through two years of marriage without horrendous nightmares.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Please know that I will continue to pray for you. That is the easiest thing I can do for someone yet it seems to have the greatest impact. God is good! I am sure that answers will come to you, and that this trial in your life will pass. Also know that I pray for your entire family, and I hope that your children can heal from this.

God bless you.

Again I thank you. It is such a gift to know that there is a spiritual community of believers, who are strangers but a family nonetheless. God’s love is abundant and stretches far out. God bless you and your family.

I am sure with constant prayers and the love of my spiritual brothers and sisters that miracles can happen. My children will be well, I have to believe it and trust in Jesus.

 

[Still_Hoping]

This is a very tricky aspect of marriage, the fact that the responsibility of parenting is shared. If your child is showing difficulty in dealing with anger, it is in part due to your child’s own characteristics, a tendency towards anger, and in part due to what the child has learned from TV, parents, school, schoolmates, etc. I have two sons, one of whom is totally a peacemaker, and the other of whom will pick a fight–go figure! That’s the characteristics part.

So, yeah, seeing your husband dealing with things in a violent way may well have contributed to your daughter’s issues. This is what she thinks grown-ups do. Good counseling may well teach her the underlying errors in her thinking and help her to deal better with frustrating situations.

But putting the blame on your husband is not really going to help anyone, is it? What happened, happened, and there is nothing that he can do about it, except for maybe apologize to his daughter for showing her bad ways of dealing with stuff, and maybe even joining her in learning better ways of coping, which he probably won’t do.

I don’t know how old your daughter is, but there are many things in the Catholic faith which will help her, and these are things she apparently needs to know. How is her faith? Can you work with her on that aspect of her life to help her?

Another thing to consider, since she is having trouble at school, is perhaps homeschooling her, esp if she is in middle school, which I have heard from people in many different areas and school systems, is hellish. Seriously.

Thank you for your good advice.

Yes, I thought about homeschooling but right now I need to work; and I work as a teacher on a part-time basis but she won’t take lessons from me. She is going to be tutored by a catholic young woman who is so good and she likes her a lot. She will play a big influence on her. And yes middle school is hellish. Her friends are older and she wants to have the same liberties. I don’t agree with half the things they do. They are ok for now, but I have to watch over her like a hawk.

My children have been catechised. I teach them for the most part. They pray with me and watch bible movies and saint movies. They are aware of their church and beliefs. I try not to force it on them too much. My daughter is religious compared to her friends; she even teaches them a thing or two. But she is a fighter. She defends staunchly and is not afraid. She even goes up against grown ups. What she lacks is the diplomacy. She is hot-tempered and resolute. These may be good qualities if one can harness them to do good and control them.

I know that it is wrong to blame my husband all the time. I have to control this and change it. However, I am able to say it to my children when I am wrong. I have told him to have a greater sensitivity to our children and explain himself in a way that shows he cares and is willing to change what is wrong in him. Afterall, the children learn from example. I urged him to love them by showing them he cares and not just being a provider and a disciplinarian.

So far it is going ok. I know there are always bumps on the road it is just how you deal with them that makes the difference.

God bless

 

[Still_Hoping]

It happened again. I am slowly being drained of hope. My husband has been working double shift. I never complain about him not being around; I try not to bother him. I went for an interview. I need a job. He wants me to work but he places all sorts of constraints as to what job I can work at. I am not allowed to work in an environment with a male majority, I am not allowed to meet with people or travel. I cannot work at shifts or work at a certain distance from home. I cannot have a career that would take me away from my responsibilities at home such as meet up with clients. He wants me to be happy but puts all constraints. He said that if I would consider such a job that requires sales that he would divorce me. He even threatened to leave his job. I was told him not to threaten me and hung up the phone. He kept calling me back and yelling at me. I kept hanging up. He left a message stating that he left his job and now he wants to leave me. I am fed up…I can’t take this anymore…I am so upset. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped…I am tired of giving in. I don’t know what he will do when he gets home.

 

[joandarc2008]

It happened again. I am slowly being drained of hope. My husband has been working double shift. I never complain about him not being around; I try not to bother him. I went for an interview. I need a job. He wants me to work but he places all sorts of constraints as to what job I can work at. I am not allowed to work in an environment with a male majority, I am not allowed to meet with people or travel. I cannot work at shifts or work at a certain distance from home. I cannot have a career that would take me away from my responsibilities at home such as meet up with clients. He wants me to be happy but puts all constraints. He said that if I would consider such a job that requires sales that he would divorce me. He even threatened to leave his job. I was told him not to threaten me and hung up the phone. He kept calling me back and yelling at me. I kept hanging up. He left a message stating that he left his job and now he wants to leave me. I am fed up…I can’t take this anymore…I am so upset. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped…I am tired of giving in. I don’t know what he will do when he gets home.

Get yourself into some counseling ASAP and make sure you have an escape plan for you and the kids. Make sure weapons in the house such as knives, etc are out of reach in case it does come to that. This is a secular website but it does have some eye opening quizzes etc to look at and does not have anything that goes against Church teaching that I have seen. Please take a look.

Women’s Rural Advocacy Programs

I would also suggest taking a look at the quiz called how much danger are you in?

 

[gretahope]

It happened again. I am slowly being drained of hope. My husband has been working double shift. I never complain about him not being around; I try not to bother him. I went for an interview. I need a job. He wants me to work but he places all sorts of constraints as to what job I can work at. I am not allowed to work in an environment with a male majority, I am not allowed to meet with people or travel. I cannot work at shifts or work at a certain distance from home. I cannot have a career that would take me away from my responsibilities at home such as meet up with clients. He wants me to be happy but puts all constraints. He said that if I would consider such a job that requires sales that he would divorce me. He even threatened to leave his job. I was told him not to threaten me and hung up the phone. He kept calling me back and yelling at me. I kept hanging up. He left a message stating that he left his job and now he wants to leave me. I am fed up…I can’t take this anymore…I am so upset. I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped…I am tired of giving in. I don’t know what he will do when he gets home.

We are pulling for you, praying for you…and thinking of you. Are you OK?