Confused feelings about starting a family

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DakotaGirl55

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Hi all,
I am not here to be judged, lectured, or treated disrespectfully in the responses to this post. I am here seeking clarity and assistance regarding how I feel about starting a family.
I have many questions, and I am not sure exactly where to start.

I was introduced to the faith ( I am a baptized but non-practicing Christian) by my now husband of two years and the classes we were required to take to be married in the church. Firstly, though I did learn more about my body and my health with NFP, I did not feel as though I could ever really trust NFP during the supposed “non fertile” time and I never felt any closer to my husband after practicing NFP than I had already felt prior to the classes. And I was not “inspired” to want to have children by the information introduced in the NFP courses.
Secondly, even if we did happen to get pregnant I know NOTHING about handling newborns or raising children. I don’t even really like holding babies. My mother wasn’t exactly the “motherly” type and only taught me how to NOT treat children so I didn’t learn anything helpful from her in this arena. So, long story short, at this moment I have no desire to have children, though I’m not opposed to it if it happened. Also, I do not ever imagine myself as a mother but almost feel that I am obligated and pressured to have them in the future.
I know my husband wants them more than I do, but isn’t disappointed that we don’t have them yet.
I am not exactly arguing for one side or the other of this topic, and beg you to follow suit. I am just curious what you folks have to say about my confused predicament.
 
there is nothing to be ashamed of my dear I had my first child very young and my mother was not by any means nuturing and I had never held or cared for a baby and something just clicked in my head when the nurses gave her to me that I had to hold her like this and that this is how you do this I suddenly knew it all! Its in my opinion a divine gift the Lord gives women to just know how so dont be afraid of getting pregnant for reasons like that now you are smart to know that a child is an emotional, financial, and spiritual commitment since you will be expected to provide basic needs as well as emotional support and spiritual support do what you think is right for you right now
 
How much experience, or knowledge, does any parent have the first time around? Little, if any. There’s a first time for everybody with everything.

I think our generation is very hard with the idea of children. All throughout the Bible, people were so desperate for children. People wanted so badly to have a child, and it was considered just awful to be sterile. Sterility was considered as a terrible tragedy.

When God chose to bless Abraham for his obedience, even to the point of being willing to offer him his only son, one way God rewarded him was through descendents as numerous as the stars and as the sands of the sea.

However, Christ predicted, on his way of the cross, that there would come a time in the future, a generation which would say, instead, “Blessed are the sterile”. When the women cried for Christ as he carried his cross, he said not to cry for him, but to cry for this generation. I am convinced in my heart of hearts that he was referring to our generation, to us, when he said those words.

At the time he said them, surely, such a concept would have seemed, inconceivable! And yet, here we are…right on schedule.

It used to be people seemed a bit more open to God’s overall plans and will. Now, I think more and more people don’t even believe in God or care what his opinions are about children or anything else.

In the end, we will only hurt ourselves when we resist God’s will, but that is not yet apparent how. However, I believe that one day, it will be. Just my opinion.
 
I don’t think your feelings are weird or abnormal. I don’t have children, but I work with parents of young children for a living. Some of shared that they had felt very similar to the way you described before having children. I have been told that when it is your own children, one feels differently (even if you are still nervous about your ability to parent), but this is only what I have been told. Perhaps some parents here will back me up.

I would suggest prayer, even just for a feeling of peace, since this seems to be upsetting you. I know I will be praying for you.
 
I felt somewhat like you, I never liked small children much and was not around them much. I disliked babysitting because I never could manage other people’s kids.
Fast forward to the age of 30, when I had my first child. He was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. Well, looking at photos now, he was just a bald baby, but he seemed special to me. And so did my second, and the two we later adopted.
Your own children, and those you choose to commit to, become special. It’s probably the hormones, and can all be explained by chemistry, but who cares?
Having children is one of greatest gifts we have, even though raising them is difficult at times. I wouldn’t trade my kids, grown and still travelling toward adulthood, for anything. Even my adorable snotty teenager.
Don’t worry about it.
 
With the way Amercans and Westerners have children, it’s no wonder we are not used to them! Used to be the older children would help with the younger children, and the younger children would help with their neices and nephews… no more! Now we have people who have never had the chance to hold a newborn; so sad!

Anyway, it is true that when you have your own, God has made us to really love them. No matter how funny-looking a baby is, he or she is totally beautiful in the eyes of the parents. And they are surprisingly fascinating! They are so complete in every way! And the amzing thing is they are so perfect, and then they grow and become more perfect!

Well, I really like babies and little children; I was the oldest in my family and the others were born in the summer so I really got to enjoy them.

All this to say, having children is the greatest and most challengng thing i have ever done!
 
DakotaGirl55 said:

“Secondly, even if we did happen to get pregnant I know NOTHING about handling newborns or raising children.”

You can definitely work on that without making any permanent decisions. You can hang out with friends and family who have babies, volunteer in a church nursery, help out a new mother with a difficult baby or a tough recovery, read a book or two on child development, etc. (Helping out a new mom with a tough medical situation or a difficult baby may put you off it entirely, but it will be educational and helpful to somebody who really needs it.) For books, I really like Penelope Leach’s Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age 5–it has beautiful color photographs and interesting and detailed descriptions of the child’s development, often from the child’s point of view. You may also find older children more approachable–so bear in mind that having a baby is the dues one pays for having a delightful school age child who can discuss your favorite book with you or who enjoys your favorite hobby (or something else entirely different that will expand your horizons).

In the next few years, your friends are going to start having children, and you may find yourself left behind by them if you don’t have kids at the same time. That by itself is not a reason to have kids, but it’s something that a lot of people experience–the social disruption caused by our friends suddenly having new commitments, interests and hours of availability. It can be very enjoyable to be having a child at the same time your friends are. I had my third (most recent) baby at the same time as two friends, and although it was medically complicated and there were harrowing moments, it was a blast. It was so much fun to be going through the same experience as them at the same time.

I would also suggest that it’s time (if you haven’t already done so) to do some therapy and work out your relationship with your mother and the fact that you are not your mother and if you have kids, you will not be the same mother your mom was. (We have a lot of autistic genes in our family and my mom has an emotional thermostat set rather lower than normal, so I’ve worked on similar issues myself.)
 
St_Francis said:
With the way Amercans and Westerners have children, it’s no wonder we are not used to them! Used to be the older children would help with the younger children, and the younger children would help with their neices and nephews…
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A similar thought occurred to me. People are often afraid of the “unknown”–and when children are raised basically only around adults and other children within a few years of their own age, many people are somewhat clueless about babies and children.

I have had enough of experience with babies now to confidently say babies don’t stay babies. While many are inspired to start a family because they want a baby, what they get is a human. The newborn stage lasts for only a few months. One odd thing parenting- the days seem long sometimes, but the months and years go really, really fast. A sleep deprived mother may think it will never end, but she wakes up one day to discover her baby is all grown up.

We often talk about “having a baby” and “raising children” in this society, but if they live long enough, babies and children turn into adults. We might better phrase it that we are raising humans to adulthood.

The original poster sounds a little afraid of babies, likely because she’s had little experience with them, and apparently had some difficulties in her own childhood. I would suggest that she considers having a person, someone who would look and act a bit like a combination between her husband and herself.

That person, (or people if she has more than one) might even help her grow into the mother that she wished she’d had. Because, while babies and children quickly turn into adults, they also give adults another chance at childhood.
 
Ask (and be totally willing to accept) God to put His desire for you in regards to having children into your heart. If it is a good time for you to have children, you will come to desire them. Otherwise, you will continue to be open and prayerful until the time is right.

My sister in law and brother just had their first child after 17 years of marriage. They had no problems with fertility. They just weren’t ready. He’s 46 and she’s 40. They aren’t practicing in a faith and leading rather self indulgent lives. I think that there’s nothing in self indulgence that prepares you for parenthood. If they had been faithful and let God change them, they would have had the joy of a child much sooner. Now, they are awesome parents. It took them that long on their own to “get ready” psychologically.

If you ask God for the desire, He will bring you along. If it not the right time, He will continue to prepare you until you desire a child.

As far as the lack of maternal feelings, God often doesn’t give the graces until you need them. No worries. I have a friend who said she’d never have children because she didn’t have any maternal feelings. She now has two boys and is an awesome mother. Her maternal feelings and instincts came when she needed them.🙂
 
DakotaGirl55 said:
Hi all,
I am not here to be judged, lectured, or treated disrespectfully in the responses to this post.

That’ a novel way to start your first conversation. I’ll try hard to overcome my natural catholic inclination to judge, lecture and treat newcomers disrespectfully!🙂

I am here seeking clarity and assistance regarding how I feel about starting a family.
I have many questions, and I am not sure exactly where to start.

I was introduced to the faith ( I am a baptized but non-practicing Christian) by my now husband of two years and the classes we were required to take to be married in the church. Firstly, though I did learn more about my body and my health with NFP, I did not feel as though I could ever really trust NFP during the supposed “non fertile” time and I never felt any closer to my husband after practicing NFP than I had already felt prior to the classes. And I was not “inspired” to want to have children by the information introduced in the NFP courses.

Not sure what you mean by not trust NFP. Please elaborate. But I agree with your other NFP remarks- I don’t find that it inspires parenthood either, but it may prompt you to consider it more often. As to making you feel closer to your husband, that may depend on how or if you had sex prior to using NFP.
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Secondly, even if we did happen to get pregnant I know NOTHING about handling newborns or raising children. I don't even really like holding babies. My mother wasn't exactly the "motherly" type and only taught me how to NOT treat children so I didn't learn anything helpful from her in this arena. So, long story short, at this moment I have no desire to have children, though I'm not opposed to it if it happened.
That’s not so unusual. Like others, you would learn fast!

Also, I do not ever imagine myself as a mother but almost feel that I am obligated and pressured to have them in the future.
Nor did I as a father. You adapt surprisingly well. From where comes these feelings of being pressured or obligated?

I know my husband wants them more than I do, but isn’t disappointed that we don’t have them yet.
I am not exactly arguing for one side or the other of this topic, and beg you to follow suit. I am just curious what you folks have to say about my confused predicament.
Click to expand...
 
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