Confused & Lost

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Jessicaann24

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Hi everyone,

I’m new here:)

I am a Catholic and I go to Church.

I have been engaged for a while now and we have just now picked a date and started the wedding plans.
We went to speak with the Father who will be preforming our wedding ceremony.

After speaking with him and hearing some of the things he had to say, I was either taught completely wrong, or I’m so far off base on this one subject its kind of scary.

He asked us a bunch of normal questions, names, birth dates, where we were born, about our parents ect.

I asked him about decorating the Church and he asked me why I was insistant that ‘if it could be white, it would be white’. I told him that I was taught that white is a sign of purity, and that I don’t believe in pre-marital sex. He proceeded to tell me that I was wrong…?
That white is a sign of purity only if you’re Jewish, that after the wedding night the maid of honor and best man would go into the room after the wedding night, gather the sheets and display the blood to prove to everyone that the woman was a Virgin.

I also mentioned that I was concerned about the line ‘who gives this woman’ and he goes on to say that…he doesn’t say that line because women are not peices of property. And that this term is used in arranged marriages.

Doesn’t it say in the Bible that God made sex for between and married couple and anything else is a Sin? (that’s what I was taught) If someone could give me the verse that would be very appreciated.

Am I wrong in believing this?
It doesn’t feel wrong, but it’s just that all of this is coming from a Father.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and helping me out. I appreciate it greatly.

God Bless,
Jessica Ann
 
Jessicaann24 said:
Hi everyone,

I’m new here:)

I am a Catholic and I go to Church.

I have been engaged for a while now and we have just now picked a date and started the wedding plans.
We went to speak with the Father who will be preforming our wedding ceremony.

After speaking with him and hearing some of the things he had to say, I was either taught completely wrong, or I’m so far off base on this one subject its kind of scary.

He asked us a bunch of normal questions, names, birth dates, where we were born, about our parents ect.

I asked him about decorating the Church and he asked me why I was insistant that ‘if it could be white, it would be white’. I told him that I was taught that white is a sign of purity, and that I don’t believe in pre-marital sex. He proceeded to tell me that I was wrong…?
That white is a sign of purity only if you’re Jewish, that after the wedding night the maid of honor and best man would go into the room after the wedding night, gather the sheets and display the blood to prove to everyone that the woman was a Virgin.

I also mentioned that I was concerned about the line ‘who gives this woman’ and he goes on to say that…he doesn’t say that line because women are not peices of property. And that this term is used in arranged marriages.

Doesn’t it say in the Bible that God made sex for between and married couple and anything else is a Sin? (that’s what I was taught) If someone could give me the verse that would be very appreciated.

Am I wrong in believing this?
It doesn’t feel wrong, but it’s just that all of this is coming from a Father.
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From what I gather from your post, the Priest said that (1) white was not necessarily a sign of purity, and (2) he did not like the phrase “who gives this woman.” I don’t really see a big problem there. Am I missing something?
 
Justin Mee

Thank you for replying to my post so quickly. I appreciate it.

My biggest ‘problem’ I guess is that the Father regarded sex as just that. He pretty much said in today’s socitey it’s accepted to have sex outside of marriage, and that God doesn’t think it’s a big deal…when I was taught that sex is to be between a married couple.

I guess I’m just a little stunned at how casual he regards the subject of sex before marriage.

Jessica Ann
 
Just seems that this priest has fallen into to the line that if everyone “does it”, it’s okay.
You are right on this one and it is church teaching that sex is for married couples. If it’s
before marriage, it’s fornication and has to be confessed.
The other issue as to “white” is not church teaching, but more custom, etc.
 
Jessicaann24 said:
Justin Mee

Thank you for replying to my post so quickly. I appreciate it.

My biggest ‘problem’ I guess is that the Father regarded sex as just that. He pretty much said in today’s socitey it’s accepted to have sex outside of marriage, and that God doesn’t think it’s a big deal…when I was taught that sex is to be between a married couple.

I guess I’m just a little stunned at how casual he regards the subject of sex before marriage.

Jessica Ann
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Of course you are correct on your views regarding sex outside of marriage. But, tell us what the Priest actually said. Could it be that you misinterpreted him? Was it an impression of the conversation or what? Perhaps you should make a return visit to this Priest and ask him to clarify this for you. If, in fact, he thinks this is ‘no big deal,’ I would find another Priest to provide the sacrament of marriage.
 
Jessicaann24 said:
Justin Mee

Thank you for replying to my post so quickly. I appreciate it.

My biggest ‘problem’ I guess is that the Father regarded sex as just that. He pretty much said in today’s socitey it’s accepted to have sex outside of marriage, and that God doesn’t think it’s a big deal…when I was taught that sex is to be between a married couple.

I guess I’m just a little stunned at how casual he regards the subject of sex before marriage.

Jessica Ann
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oh that is definitely not the Church teaching 😦 the Church teaches that premarital sex IS a mortal sin.
 
Hi Jessica. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

It is said that the “traditional” white wedding gown was influenced mostly by Queen Victoria when she married Prince Albert. Before that brides wore dresses/gowns of different colors. So, yes, your priest is on the right track, but he isn’t exactly correct in this matter. Here is an article about the color of wedding gowns.

The “who gives this woman” is falling away from many wedding ceremonies today. There are not many women still living at home when they get married. Many, many women have homes/apartments of their own and are making their way in the world on their own. For those women there is no one to give them away since they are already away. Then there is the entire population of women that are re-marrying.

I don’t see any reason that if you request it, and fit the circumstances (still living in your father’s house), that you couldn’t ask for the “who gives this women” part of the ceremony to be included.

Good luck.
 
Jessicaann24 said:
Justin Mee

Thank you for replying to my post so quickly. I appreciate it.

My biggest ‘problem’ I guess is that the Father regarded sex as just that. He pretty much said in today’s socitey it’s accepted to have sex outside of marriage, and that God doesn’t think it’s a big deal…when I was taught that sex is to be between a married couple.

I guess I’m just a little stunned at how casual he regards the subject of sex before marriage.

Jessica Ann
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This is not a church teaching. If he has read the Bible he will know that God thinks it is a very big deal. Is this your regular parish priest? Could you find another church to have your wedding?
 
Jessica you are not the one confused but your priest seems to be. I will just ignore his teachings for they do not reflect the Church’s teaching at all. You seem to be a very devout Catholic. I am sure he meant well but he needs to confirm himself more to the truth for a priest should reflect even more the true teachings of the Church and be not swayed by the standards of the world ( just because everyone is doing it makes it right ). I commend you for waiting. I wished your priest said that to you. By the way white is a very excellent choice. I hope you will decide to keep with your first instincts. The Sacrament of Holy Matrimony is a very important event in anybody’s life. May God bless you and your marriage. ( by the way if you are uncomfortable to be with this priest please consider another, your day will be very important for you and your husband and a priest that will perform your wedding should reflect what the Church believes which is what you believe).
 
Jessicaann24 said:
My biggest ‘problem’ I guess is that the Father regarded sex as just that. He pretty much said in today’s socitey it’s accepted to have sex outside of marriage, and that God doesn’t think it’s a big deal…when I was taught that sex is to be between a married couple.

I guess I’m just a little stunned at how casual he regards the subject of sex before marriage.
Click to expand...
The Church’s teaching on sex before marriage has NOT changed. You might want to look at paragraphs 2348-2350 and 2360-2379 in the Catechism. (You can find it online at scborromeo.org/ccc/ccc_toc2.htm or usccb.org/catechism/text/pt3sect2chpt2art6.shtml)

Is it at all possible to have another priest perform the ceremony? Frankly, he has no business urging you to sin, by telling you it’s not a big deal. It would be a good idea to make sure you understood him properly before doing anything, though.

As for white=purity, there is a difference between the source of a tradition and the tradition itself. People today, including yourself, do in fact associate white with purity and it is perfectly traditional (lower-case t) to do so. The fact that the modern tradition has come from some ancient Jewish custom is pretty irrelevant.

In fact, the priest himself should be wearing white, as it is the proper liturgical color for weddings.

As far as decorations, if he asked you what you wanted, presumably you are allowed to have it. So I would stick to it unless he actually says you can’t have white (rather than saying it’s pointless to have white, or he doesn’t like white, or some other color would be better than white, or whatever). He probably has lots of weddings in a year, but you are only going (God willing) to have the one. If you want white decorations, why shouldn’t you have them? White signifies purity to you and your fiancé, which is all that matters.

God bless you and help you to remain chaste, and congratulations on making it this far.

–Jen
 
Jessicaann24 said:
My biggest ‘problem’ I guess is that the Father regarded sex as just that. He pretty much said in today’s socitey it’s accepted to have sex outside of marriage, and that God doesn’t think it’s a big deal…when I was taught that sex is to be between a married couple.
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I would also encourage you to, as Justin Mee suggested, ensure that there’s no misunderstanding here. Unless the priest made a clear and blunt statement such as “Sex outside of marriage is not a sin” then you may be jumping to conclusions. The way you worded it in your initial post seemed rather vague and open to interpretation.
 
Jessicaann24 said:
… I told him that I was taught that white is a sign of purity, and that I don’t believe in pre-marital sex. He proceeded to tell me that I was wrong…?
That white is a sign of purity only if you’re Jewish, that after the wedding night the maid of honor and best man would go into the room after the wedding night, gather the sheets and display the blood to prove to everyone that the woman was a Virgin…
Click to expand...
This is the only statement that you reported from your priest, and from what you report here it shows that he thinks that you are wrong about the white being a tradition of sexual purity for Catholics. That does not imply that he thinks that forms of sexual activity outside the marriage are admissible.

The story of the bed sheets being used as an indicator of virginity before the marriage, is true and it has been in use in the European peasant culture up to a little bit more than 100 years ago. That was common well before the Catholic brides started to use white wedding gowns.
 
Thank you to all that posted!!! Thank you so much…

In regards to decorations - no candles (fire hazard) no rose petals (slipping hazard) no white floor runner (tripping hazard due to carpet underneath).
The flowers MUST be real he said - as a symbol of life and death.

He SAID - in today’s world sex outside of marriage is perfectly acceptable.

I too wish he would have said something when I stated more than once, twice, three times…even my fiance said it. that we werent having sex and I don’t believe in pre-marital sex. He did ask me where my engagement ring was (because i didnt have it on due to where i work) and i explained. he then asked me what the ring i had on my finger was. I told him it was a purity ring given to me by my father as a symbol of my comitment.

Getting anothe preist-- If I absolutely HAVE to I will. But I came to him because he’s been at the big things in my life (those I remember) he even did my high school grad Mass and visited me in the hospital when he didnt have to because I wasn’t dying. (I had just had huge NON cosmetic surgery) to better my quality of life.
So it’s important to me to have him be at this important part of my life too…

He said we can not decorate the alter because nothing can be higher than the alter. (that’s perfectly fine)

We are considering not decorating the Church at all because it’s not about the decorations, our guests should be focusing on us.

Thank you

Jessica Ann
 
Jessicaann24 said:
…

He SAID - in today’s world sex outside of marriage is perfectly acceptable.

…
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I am sorry but I agree with him, this is a sad aspect of today’s society. The only caveat is that we, as Catholics, are in this world and not of this world. I would encourage you to write to him, explain to him what you understood from his comments and ask him to elaborate on what he was trying to communicate. Once he gets back to you, you will have a clear statements of his thinking and if it is contrary to the teachings of the Church you should write to the Bishop asking for further explanation.

It is possible that while he was making a statement about something you thought that it applied to something else. Maybe he really believes that, even among Catholics, sex outside of marriage should be perfectly acceptable. If that is true, then you have a real problem that you must deal with.
 
Cristiano

I was thinking of doing just that…but I would like to include a passage or verse from the Bible in the email and get him to elaborate on that as well.

Is there one or a couple verses that you could post for me, and I will email him and let you all know what he says.

Thank you

Jessica Ann
 
Jessicaann24 said:
Cristiano

I was thinking of doing just that…but I would like to include a passage or verse from the Bible in the email and get him to elaborate on that as well.

Is there one or a couple verses that you could post for me, and I will email him and let you all know what he says.

Thank you

Jessica Ann
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I would stay away from biblical quotes. I am quite sure that he knows his bible quite well. My suggestion is to give him the benefit of the doubt by expressing more a sense of confusion (lack of understanding) about what he said, rather then trying to teach him what the Church says. He knows quite well where the Church stands, even if he might disagree with it. Doing things one step at the time will prevent the creation of a confrontational scenario where feelings could get hurt even if everybody is aligned with the Church teachings. Prudence is one of the virtues, however teaching the Truth might have to follow the first exchange.
 
Cristiano said:
I would stay away from biblical quotes. I am quite sure that he knows his bible quite well. My suggestion is to give him the benefit of the doubt by expressing more a sense of confusion (lack of understanding) about what he said, rather then trying to teach him what the Church says. He knows quite well where the Church stands, even if he might disagree with it. Doing things one step at the time will prevent the creation of a confrontational scenario where feelings could get hurt even if everybody is aligned with the Church teachings. Prudence is one of the virtues, however teaching the Truth might have to follow the first exchange.
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Good point. It’s best to make him explain exactly what he means, and expressing confusion is an excellent way to do that without being confrontational. Possibly something like “I may be misunderstanding you, but I got the impression last time we talked that you thought extra-marital sex is not a sin. Is that really what you meant?”
 
Jessicaann24 said:
Thank you to all that posted!!! Thank you so much…

In regards to decorations - no candles (fire hazard) no rose petals (slipping hazard) no white floor runner (tripping hazard due to carpet underneath).
The flowers MUST be real he said - as a symbol of life and death.
Click to expand...
The priest is fully entitled to determine how the church can and cannot be decorated. These all sound like reasonable regulations.
He SAID - in today’s world sex outside of marriage is perfectly acceptable.
Click to expand...
You were the one having the conversation with this priest, not me, but I wonder if it’s possible that he meant that in modern society in general sex before marriage is seen as acceptable, not that the Church regards it as morally acceptable. Without knowing exactly what he said, I’m inclined to think that he was making a comment on today’s culture, not on the Church’s teaching.
Getting anothe preist-- If I absolutely HAVE to I will. But I came to him because he’s been at the big things in my life (those I remember) he even did my high school grad Mass and visited me in the hospital when he didnt have to because I wasn’t dying. (I had just had huge NON cosmetic surgery) to better my quality of life.
So it’s important to me to have him be at this important part of my life too…
Click to expand...
You do not have to get another priest. If it turns out that he actually was making the kind of claims you took him to be, then perhaps you might feel more comfortable with a different priest, but this priest will be completely able to perform your wedding.

Oh, and congratulations, Jessica!
 
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