confused

[ANGELAF]

I am a non-catholic married to a (non practicing)catholic I have decided to attend mass because my husband and I need to get back into church. I am thinking about converting but have several questions.

1. After our second son was born I had a tubal ligation, since this happened before do I have to have this reversed?
2. My husband and I are having severe problems and we a planning on seeking help from a priest but, I read this statement Sexual intercourse is termed the Marriage debt. This refers to the idea that Marriage is a contract where each party assumes total control of the other’s body. At almost any time, within reason, a partner’s asking for the fulfilment of that debt must be satisfied. Like any repayment of a debt, when done with the right intention and circumstances sexual intercourse is a meritorious act, gaining graces for the participants.
   I am having difficulties having sex with my husband when he is very hateful and disrespectful to me and If I do I feel violated. By this statement am I sinning by not having sex with my husband?

 

[mjdonnelly]

1. You are not required to have a reversal, there are threads in the ‘ask an apologist’ section about that. It isn’t even a sin if you didn’t realize it at the time.
2. Not true, the purpose of getting married is to have a family, not to have sex, if he is acting the jerk, just say no. He is the one sinning by not respecting you. Remembers the wedding vows?

The priest may not be the best for marriage counseling, ask him. Not all of them recieve training for all the different topics, but it is a good idea to ask him if he feels comfortable doing it or if he has some references to go to instead.

Good luck, and God bless.

 

[Viki59]

Dear Angela,
I believe you will be much happier if you do join the church. I’m happy to hear you’re considering converting. I did so eight years ago, because my husband is Catholic. Now I’m the one who insists on going to mass all the time.
To give answers to your questions from what I’ve learned on Catholic Answers:

1. No, you don’t need a tubal ligation reversed. It’s not always possible. You would only need to confess it along with a summary of your sins when you go to Reconciliation the first time.
2. This is hard to answer. God does not intend us to be in abusive marriages, and He wants to heal yours. Meanwhile, it is a wife’s duty to be as kind and loving to her husband as she can, hoping that by her sacrifice she may bring her husband back to Christ. That doesn’t mean you should do anything that makes you feel violated.
   Your intention to seek counselling from a priest is an excellent one. The priest will be able to suggest a course that will help your marriage without diminishing you.
   My priest has a website that I’d like to recommend to you. He is conservative, very compassionate and wise. It’s :geocities.com/Heartland/2964/
   It has a lot of excellent homilies, and if you emailed him he might be able to answer some of your quesions until you can find a priest to counsel you. Not all priests are created equal in compassion and insight.
   I’ll be praying for you.
   Vicki

 

[Mike_Olson]

Angel,

First WELCOME to the forum!

I am a new convert. I was baptized on Easter. I had a vasectomy many, many years ago and I had the same fear. If you haven’t been baptized you will not have to confess the procedure you describe. Baptism washes away all past sins. So by all means you can enjoy the fullness of the church.

The matter of intercourse, a guy would love the debt theory! Personally I can’t have sex with my wife if she doesn’t want it. Something about her just going through the motions just ruins it for me. Besides I feel it is being selfish on my part. I may as well masturbate. Sex should be one giving oneself to the other. Become one flesh. I wish I would have known that when we first got married.

Get qualified counseling, he shouldn’t be treating you uncharitably and you shouldn’t put up with it. It will just continue. I know I abused my wife in that way and it took a separation of 9 months to shake me up enough to straighten out. I never hit my wife but the verbal and emotional abuse was just as bad.

Start by talking to your parish priest, hopfully he can point you in the right direction for the help that you need. Ask about the RCIA program in your parish. RCIA can teach you all you need to become Catholic. It is a year long process, in it you will have a wonderful faith journey.

Again welcome and welcome home!