Considering adoption, please pray

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kellyb32

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Because of a whole host of situations that are AGAIN happening in my life…I am considering possibly putting up my 4th child for adoption. I am now 5 months pregnant. My husband thinks I’m crazy. But I’m simply emotionally and physically drained from the worry and fear that I must endure alone because he can’t deal with anyone but himself right now (as usual).

My husband of 13 years is again unable to cope with any kind of stress (he has anxiety disorders) and is seeking help…again. That’s a good thing I suppose but I’m just tired of going through pregnancies and the first 6 months of having a baby home all by myself. My other 3 children are 11, 3 and 1 years old. He’s admitted to me over and over and over again that he just can’t be the man I need or want, that I should’ve run away when I had the chance 15 years ago when we dated…because of this and a whole bunch of other things, I’m worn out.

We also can’t afford another child. We live in a 2 bedroom 800 square foot house and can’t afford to move into anything larger. I’m unable to work now because of an incompetent cervix, my husband makes $10 an hour and doesn’t always work 40 hours a week, he receives no benefits (not even paid sick days or personal days…he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid). We’re already on public assistance so I get medical from the state and we get food stamps,. We can hardly keep up with basic expenses let alone surprises (like our van is having lots of electrical problems). He hasn’t been able to keep a good job and they are so hard to find in our depressed area.

I’m already making a list of things to sell on ebay just to try and prepare for the month of July because work informed my husband that he will be off since they can’t afford to pay him. They said they’d give him unemployment but on 10 bucks an hour and average of 32 hours a week…that’s not a whole lot of money. He’s not capable of handling a second job right now because of his nerves and I’m at my wits end.

I simply don’t feel like I’m able to care for another baby on my own and we’re like sardines in this house as it is…I have my daughters and son already sharing a 10x9 room, there is no place for a second crib in there. My son has to share my dresser because I don’t have the room or the money to get him his own. There is no way for me to escape for more than an hour at a time without worrying about my kids since my husband would rather have my 11 year old babysit the 2 little ones while he does his own thing. He doesn’t leave them alone…he just doesn’t make himself available without getting upset for having his down time disturbed. My husband doesn’t provide the emotional safety net I need to fall on. He’s admitted it to me that he just can’t be there for me and doesn’t know when or if he will.

Please pray that I do what is right for my newest child and pray for the rest of my family too. We need it.

Thank you.
 
Bear in mind that things can look especially bleak when you are pregnant . . . all those extra hormones can put you on an emotional roller coaster! Have you considered making an appointment with your priest? I will pray for your.
 
Kelly–Have you talked to a priest? The Church (in NYS, where I see you live) has social services that should be able to help you. Talk to your priest, contact your parish and ask to be put in touch with the local Catholic Charities agency. God bless you and your family. It is hard but not impossible.
 
Kelly,

My heart goes out to you. As an adoptive mom, I have a unique perspective, I think. My son came to us through a similar situation such as yours (although his birthmom was already in process of divorce, had lost custody of 2 or her 4 children, and was homeless at the time our son was born). I’m so glad that my 3 children’s birthmoms allowed us to adopt their children. However, that being said, I’m wondering how your other children (especially the 11 year old ) would feel about your giving up your baby for adoption. He/She would know you’re pregnant and understand that the baby your carrying is his/her sibling. This might cause some insecurity in an already unstable environment.
I agree with the other posters. Talk to a priest about your situation. There may be some people in your parish that could help you.
I will pray for you and your family to stay strong during such a difficult time.
 
With all due respect–you both sound as if you are in serious need of intervention or counseling. While your husband clearly has a condition which has left his judgment and capacity to work and support his family impaired, you have also made decisions that have put your family in a very precarious situation. I have no way of knowing whether you are capable of handling another child under these circumstances, yet adopting out of an intact family would surely be traumatic for all of you. If it is at all possible for you to get some professional counseling along with your husband, I would urge you to do so. Perhaps there is a resource through Catholic Charities?

As far as your immediate needs–employment/ financial/child care…do you have ANY family who could help you out, if even temporarily? If not, you may be relegated to public assistance. But I would use the time before the baby arrives to check with your Dept. of Family Services to see what assistance you qualify for.
 
Island Oak:
With all due respect–you both sound as if you are in serious need of intervention or counseling. While your husband clearly has a condition which has left his judgment and capacity to work and support his family impaired, you have also made decisions that have put your family in a very precarious situation. I have no way of knowing whether you are capable of handling another child under these circumstances, yet adopting out of an intact family would surely be traumatic for all of you. If it is at all possible for you to get some professional counseling along with your husband, I would urge you to do so. Perhaps there is a resource through Catholic Charities?

As far as your immediate needs–employment/ financial/child care…do you have ANY family who could help you out, if even temporarily? If not, you may be relegated to public assistance. But I would use the time before the baby arrives to check with your Dept. of Family Services to see what assistance you qualify for.
This is great advice. I had thought of recommending counseling, but I wasn’t certain you could afford it. However, Island Oak has some great suggestions here that might allow you some affordable counseling. Please seek out some help/assistance before making such a decision. I will be continuing to pray for you.
 
Thank you all for responding. My husband is totally against giving up the baby for any reason let alone financial. Even if I was totally convinced that this was the only way out of getting deeper in debt, I wouldn’t be able to do anything without his consent anyway. I’ve thought about what my oldest would think if we were to give up this baby. She’s not too happy about having a 3rd little one in the house in the first place. After blowing up on her and taking away bike riding privileges, she’s tried harder to take care of them with me without complaining and she found out they can be a lot of fun. My 3 year old asks me every day if I still have the baby. My son is too little to understand. So I don’t know just how this would effect them.

My oldest knows that we don’t have money, she asks for something and we usually can’t get it. She gets upset (as most kids do) when her friends are able to go places and buy things that we can’t. We always try to give our kids a nice christmas and birthday even if it’s not 100 gifts like others get, it may only be 1 or 2 things each and some stuff from the dollar store but they get at least one thing from us that they really wanted.

I’ve talked to my priest who basically told me that this is a cross I must bear right now but don’t give up hope on the Lord, things will work eventually, just remain faithful. I’m going to talk to my husband’s therapist as well. I talked to him a couple of years ago when my husband finally agreed to go talk to someone in order to try and salvage our marriage.

If I’m this depressed now, I’m concerned about my being able to care for the children after the baby is born. No one is happy about my being pregnant for the 4th time considering our situation except our priest and my husband. I was for a little while, but now fear and sadness have pretty much overtaken any joy I had. I’m just tired of the same scenario every time we’ve had a child.

I think the stress of having another baby and the realization that I"m not medically able to do much to contribute to our situation has always had a negative impact on my husband. Any time I’ve personally gone through difficult times (surgeries, parental duties because of illness, etc.) I’ve had to deal with things myself because he was never able to cope with more stress than he already has.

I have to go to the doctor’s on monday. I’m going to tell her that I’ve been depressed consistantly for the last couple of weeks. I do go for a sonogram on friday, maybe actually seeing the baby will make me feel better about him/her.

As far as getting help, we already receive WIC from Catholic Charities and like I said, we’re getting food stamps and medical from welfare. We make too much money to receive any cash help from them. My parents are both on fixed incomes, after my father-in-law died 11 years ago my mother-in-law has had to struggle to make ends meet. She just finished paying off his funeral last year since he didn’t leave any kind of life insurance on himself or the house so she is still paying on the mortgage.

I’ve also talked to my priest about sterilzation because my husband doesn’t think that artifical birth control is wrong… yet he thinks a man getting a vasectomy is unnatural. My husband told me I should have my tubes tied if I’m that scared of having another baby, then he took it back. I asked him why I should go against my beliefs especially after I’ve gone through what I have over the years with my pregnancies. He wanted me to drop it because he said he was sorry for bringing it up. My priest of course in encouraging us to stick with NFP.

All of your prayers are very much appreciated. I’m trying to do what I’m able to do to feel better. I just can’t shake this scared feeling I have no matter how positive I think. Yes things work out, but it’s always a temporary fix and I’m back at square one again. No one thought this marriage would last as long as it has, my husband asked me yesterday why I stay with him, I question it myself sometimes. My priest is the only one who has given me encouragement to continue on in this relationship when everyone else says run away.

My husband isn’t a bad man, he’s never hit me or cheated on me, he tries to be there as much as he’s able to and he’ll give me what he can. He just has problems but those can be dealt with…it’s just being consistant with treatment, not stopping the moment he feels better and ignoring symptoms for a long time when they come.

I’ll update you all as things progress. We’re not hopeless, just frustrated. Please keep praying for us. I find comfort in knowing that my brothers and sisters here and in heaven intercede for my family.

God bless you.
 
Kelly,

It sounds like you have a wonderful priest. What a blessing for you and your husband.

There has been many times that my husband and I have made decisions, and no one has been supportive. We also have financial problems, and any time we make a decision to do something, everyone has some negative thing to say. We do what we think is right, no matter what anyone else says, as we are the ones who must live with the consequences of the choices we make.

This baby has been conceived because God wanted him/her to be conceived. It sounds as if you and your husband have tried to do God’s will (i.e. NFP) and God will give you the grace needed to bring this child into the world and raise him/her.

As I noted above, we have significant financial problems, and we must say “no” to our children a lot. I have noticed that my kids are so much more appreciative of what they do have than many of their friends. They make do with what they have and play with each other well. This is not a bad thing. Of course, gratitude is a virtue that we want our children to have. Joy in being alive. Joy in having a family that loves them. Joy that God loves them and made them. I see this in my kids. I think it’s partly because they don’t have much in material things. They wear hand me downs and have used beds that we’ve fixed up—they don’t seem to mind and are actually grateful and excited when the next bag of hand me down clothes arrive!!!

I think it’s very wise to mention your depression to your doctor. There might be something to help you out. You’re right, seeing the sonogram and your little baby might be the assurance from God that you need right now.

Keep us updated Kelly. I’m sure you are getting many prayers from those reading this thread.
 
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kellyb32:
I’ve thought about what my oldest would think if we were to give up this baby. She’s not too happy about having a 3rd little one in the house in the first place. After blowing up on her and taking away bike riding privileges, she’s tried harder to take care of them with me without complaining and she found out they can be a lot of fun.
As frustrated and stressed as you feel, PLEASE do not try to transfer your responsibilities to an 11 year old. Reasonable requests for occasional assistance are a part of family life. But if there is stress in the household it is only natural at her age to resent the idea of yet another baby–especially if she is made to bear an unreasonable amount of responsibility for her siblings’ care.
I’m going to talk to my husband’s therapist as well. …If I’m this depressed now, I’m concerned about my being able to care for the children after the baby is born. No one is happy about my being pregnant for the 4th time considering our situation except our priest and my husband. I was for a little while, but now fear and sadness have pretty much overtaken any joy I had. I’m just tired of the same scenario every time we’ve had a child…
Any time I’ve personally gone through difficult times (surgeries, parental duties because of illness, etc.) I’ve had to deal with things myself because he was never able to cope with more stress than he already has.
I am so glad to hear you can also visit with your husband’s therapist. You sound very isolated at the same time you are facing an incredible amount of stress. Please use this person to voice your fears, anxiety and depression. It may be a safe outlet so that you can better cope with the children and your husband.
I’ve also talked to my priest about sterilzation because my husband doesn’t think that artifical birth control is wrong… yet he thinks a man getting a vasectomy is unnatural. My husband told me I should have my tubes tied if I’m that scared of having another baby, then he took it back. I asked him why I should go against my beliefs especially after I’ve gone through what I have over the years with my pregnancies. He wanted me to drop it because he said he was sorry for bringing it up. My priest of course in encouraging us to stick with NFP.
It is clear that the challenges you face with your husband’s condition are complicated by your parenting responsibilities. Your husband has some conflicted and inconsistent opinions regarding birth control as you have expressed them above which you need to resolve together. However, continuing to add more children to your family seems ill-advised. If you intend to use NFP, you and your husband must BOTH be educated and disciplined if you want to be effective in avoiding further pregnancy. There are many free classes available–this would be a good place to check in with your priest for information.
All of your prayers are very much appreciated. I’m trying to do what I’m able to do to feel better. I just can’t shake this scared feeling I have no matter how positive I think. …My husband isn’t a bad man, he’s never hit me or cheated on me, he tries to be there as much as he’s able to and he’ll give me what he can. He just has problems but those can be dealt with…We’re not hopeless, just frustrated. Please keep praying for us.
You have a gentle and generous heart and mine aches for you and the fears you rightfully have. As trite as it may sound…try to find something reassuring and good in every day. I recently heard that you can always be joyful, even if you don’t feel happy if you recognize the blessings around you and in your life. I think this is so important for all of us moms–we have such an impact on the mood and temperament of our families. That old saying…“if momma’s not happy, no one else is happy…” is so true.

Resist giving into the depression, fear and negativity–and when your kids complain–encourage them to join together and find a way around the challenge or obstacle. At the end of the day–pat yourself on the back for the things that went well and think about how you could better handle those moments where you weren’t your best. Most important–in the midst of your most challenging marital/parenting moments…stay close to the Blessed Mother–she NEVER fails!!
 
Island Oak:
As frustrated and stressed as you feel, PLEASE do not try to transfer your responsibilities to an 11 year old.
I understand this and I try to be fair in what she must do for me. I am supposed to be on bed rest because of my history with an incompetent cervix and early deliveries. I do more than I should so my oldest doesn’t feel overwhelmed. She understands that it’s dangerous for me to pick up my one year old or bend down and clean up but I don’t have a choice during the day when I’m home by myself. When she comes home, she gets time away from her siblings to do homework and then rest a while. I give her alone time by letting her go into their room by herself or outside without the little ones tagging along. I don’t want her to resent me or her siblings when she’s older and I’m careful with what I ask her to do. We don’t ask her to do her normal chores now (except feed the cats and give them water). She’ll offer to vaccuum and have the little ones help her then suck up their clothes or skin with the hose attachement and they all laugh. She’ll ask to do dishes and fool around by putting bubbles on the little ones and letting my 3 year old rinse the cups and spoons while they play together in the rinse water. When she feels overwhelmed I remind her that daddy will be home soon and if he’s not, I give her time to recoup.
Island Oak:
I am so glad to hear you can also visit with your husband’s therapist. You sound very isolated at the same time you are facing an incredible amount of stress. Please use this person to voice your fears, anxiety and depression. It may be a safe outlet so that you can better cope with the children and your husband.

My husband talked to the therapist today after work. He told him what I said and how I’ve been feeling. The therapist said I’ve got classic depression right now. I have to see my doctor on monday, I will tell her how I’ve been feeling and if she thinks I need something to help me, I’ll take it. I still want to talk to the therapist. I think I need an individual session to vent to someone neutral.
Island Oak:
Your husband has some conflicted and inconsistent opinions regarding birth control as you have expressed them above which you need to resolve together. However, continuing to add more children to your family seems ill-advised. If you intend to use NFP, you and your husband must BOTH be educated and disciplined if you want to be effective in avoiding further pregnancy. There are many free classes available–this would be a good place to check in with your priest for information.

The only class available in my area costs $50. Even if I start saving a couple dollars here and there, I can scrape up fifty bucks over the next few months. I plan on breast feeding again so that will give me a little more time too. Even my mom said to me that she had her tubes tied after I was born and she doesn’t regret it. My parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my friends all suggest one of us be sterilized because we can’t keep having kids.
Island Oak:
You have a gentle and generous heart and mine aches for you and the fears you rightfully have. As trite as it may sound…try to find something reassuring and good in every day. I recently heard that you can always be joyful, even if you don’t feel happy if you recognize the blessings around you and in your life. I think this is so important for all of us moms–we have such an impact on the mood and temperament of our families. That old saying…“if momma’s not happy, no one else is happy…” is so true.

Resist giving into the depression, fear and negativity–and when your kids complain–encourage them to join together and find a way around the challenge or obstacle. At the end of the day–pat yourself on the back for the things that went well and think about how you could better handle those moments where you weren’t your best. Most important–in the midst of your most challenging marital/parenting moments…stay close to the Blessed Mother–she NEVER fails!!

I’ve found comfort in asking our Blessed Mother for intercession. I know she went through pain that none of us had to endure yet she remained strong and faithful. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and your prayers. God bless you.
 
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