D
DL82
Guest
I’m due to spend some time (3 months) with the Salesian Fathers in London in September, partly because I’m working on a research project and lodging with them, but more importantly to discern a vocation.
I’ve been thinking about vocation a lot lately. I’ve read God of Surprises by the Jesuit Gerard Hughes (it’s a fantastic book, btw, I’d highly recommend it). He talks about consolation and desolation as it appears in the thought of St Ignatius on discernment.
Anyway, this is my own experience of consolation and desolation (I’ll be consulting my Spiritual Director about it too, and will take his advice over anything I read here, but I’m hoping someone here might be able to help me explore the thoughts more).
The more I think about a vocation to priesthood and religious life, the more numb I feel about it. On the one hand, this could be called detachment, but it’s not the detachment of Christ, which isn’t a numbness toward the world, but a love of Him above anything else we’re attached to. It makes me a bit upset to think of myself giving my whole life in that way, though I’m consoled (a little) by the thought of the great things God could do through me. All the same, the thought of religious life is a pain that leads to more pain, more depression and dullness. I feel like it would be a case of throwing my life away for Christ, making life no more preferable than death except for spiritual joys, which has a certain harsh appeal, but I don’t ever feel the grace to actually throw my life away in this way (even now, when I’m supposed to be going through the 12 days’ preparation of ridding yourself of the spirit of the world in preparation for the Total Consacration to Mary). In particular, I feel like I’d be throwing my sexuality away, running from it, like a submarine commander who orders a flooded deck to be sealed off, even with the crew still inside, to save the rest. Even though so much of my life right now seems a lot like the life of the Salesians, that doesn’t make me want to enter into such a life, but to run from it. It’s true that I sin less when I cut off my sexual desires like this, and that I pray more, but I don’t feel any fruit growing, I’m certainly not loving anyone more, and feel like I’m retreating to an unsatisfactory solitude and safety. It’s a sad but freeing experience to think that I could give myself to God in that way. I feel like I’d always be play-acting a willingness to give myself in this way, and I know I could play-act for life, because I’ve thrown my life away for lesser causes up to this date, but it would always make me feel miserable.
On the other hand, when I think about the vocation to marriage, it makes me happy, but there’s a pain too, a pain of knowing that I’m very very broken in this area, a pain of knowing that I lost one relationship, and there will probably be more pain and rejection to come in future. I think of the last girl I dated, and I feel remorse for the bad example I gave her, but I don’t feel remorse for giving so much of myself, even though it hurt. It’s a more intense pain, but a pain that leads to joy. The more I feel the benefit of my (feeble) attempts at mortification, even things which are profoundly monastic exercises, the more I think ‘this will make me a better husband some day’, in the way that M. Martin’s time in the seminary made him a better husband and father to St Therese, in the way that my friend’s father, who spent time with the Cistercians, was a better father to him and his sisters because of that experience. That’s the way, increasingly, I’m looking at my time with the Salesians, which makes the whole experience appear dishonest. I’m not completely closed to the possibility of a vocation with them, and I’d never second-guess God, but it feels like such a joyful thing to think that I could give myself to God through marriage.
On the one hand, I know we are to aim for redemptive suffering, that the way of Christ is a way of self-sacrifice, but on the other hand there is this guidance of St Ignatius about consolation and desolation - whereas St Ignatius found happiness in both the lives of the saints and the lives of the knights, but only lasting joy in the saints, I feel pain in both the thought of religious life and the thought of marriage, but one is a pain that endures and the other a pain that gives way to joy. Christ’s own life was not a life of unremitting suffering, He performed His first miracle to give joy to the married couple at Cana, His first healing in response to Peter’s rightful attachment to his mother-in-law, and His last and greatest miracle in response to His friendship and tears for the dead Lazarus and his sisters. He was willing to give up every attachment when His Father asked, but still prayed, without any imperfection “if you are able, let this cup pass from me, but not my will but Yours be done”. Would it be wrong to abandon the lifetime of suffering that would await me in the priesthood for the joy that the thought of marriage brings?
A fear I have is that maybe my perception of joy and pain are still too heavily affected by my sinful past and selfish childhood. I haven’t come to think of joy in the rejection and humiliation that St Francis described as “perfect joy”, but still think of it in quite a selfish way. Maybe I need longer in mortification before I can even begin to discern consolation or desolation. I’m still too self-indulgent in many ways, and the religious life would help me with this, I know, but only as a means to an end, which doesn’t seem to be the right reason to enter into it. I’m confused.
Sorry for rambling so much, all opinions welcome.
I’ve been thinking about vocation a lot lately. I’ve read God of Surprises by the Jesuit Gerard Hughes (it’s a fantastic book, btw, I’d highly recommend it). He talks about consolation and desolation as it appears in the thought of St Ignatius on discernment.
Anyway, this is my own experience of consolation and desolation (I’ll be consulting my Spiritual Director about it too, and will take his advice over anything I read here, but I’m hoping someone here might be able to help me explore the thoughts more).
The more I think about a vocation to priesthood and religious life, the more numb I feel about it. On the one hand, this could be called detachment, but it’s not the detachment of Christ, which isn’t a numbness toward the world, but a love of Him above anything else we’re attached to. It makes me a bit upset to think of myself giving my whole life in that way, though I’m consoled (a little) by the thought of the great things God could do through me. All the same, the thought of religious life is a pain that leads to more pain, more depression and dullness. I feel like it would be a case of throwing my life away for Christ, making life no more preferable than death except for spiritual joys, which has a certain harsh appeal, but I don’t ever feel the grace to actually throw my life away in this way (even now, when I’m supposed to be going through the 12 days’ preparation of ridding yourself of the spirit of the world in preparation for the Total Consacration to Mary). In particular, I feel like I’d be throwing my sexuality away, running from it, like a submarine commander who orders a flooded deck to be sealed off, even with the crew still inside, to save the rest. Even though so much of my life right now seems a lot like the life of the Salesians, that doesn’t make me want to enter into such a life, but to run from it. It’s true that I sin less when I cut off my sexual desires like this, and that I pray more, but I don’t feel any fruit growing, I’m certainly not loving anyone more, and feel like I’m retreating to an unsatisfactory solitude and safety. It’s a sad but freeing experience to think that I could give myself to God in that way. I feel like I’d always be play-acting a willingness to give myself in this way, and I know I could play-act for life, because I’ve thrown my life away for lesser causes up to this date, but it would always make me feel miserable.
On the other hand, when I think about the vocation to marriage, it makes me happy, but there’s a pain too, a pain of knowing that I’m very very broken in this area, a pain of knowing that I lost one relationship, and there will probably be more pain and rejection to come in future. I think of the last girl I dated, and I feel remorse for the bad example I gave her, but I don’t feel remorse for giving so much of myself, even though it hurt. It’s a more intense pain, but a pain that leads to joy. The more I feel the benefit of my (feeble) attempts at mortification, even things which are profoundly monastic exercises, the more I think ‘this will make me a better husband some day’, in the way that M. Martin’s time in the seminary made him a better husband and father to St Therese, in the way that my friend’s father, who spent time with the Cistercians, was a better father to him and his sisters because of that experience. That’s the way, increasingly, I’m looking at my time with the Salesians, which makes the whole experience appear dishonest. I’m not completely closed to the possibility of a vocation with them, and I’d never second-guess God, but it feels like such a joyful thing to think that I could give myself to God through marriage.
On the one hand, I know we are to aim for redemptive suffering, that the way of Christ is a way of self-sacrifice, but on the other hand there is this guidance of St Ignatius about consolation and desolation - whereas St Ignatius found happiness in both the lives of the saints and the lives of the knights, but only lasting joy in the saints, I feel pain in both the thought of religious life and the thought of marriage, but one is a pain that endures and the other a pain that gives way to joy. Christ’s own life was not a life of unremitting suffering, He performed His first miracle to give joy to the married couple at Cana, His first healing in response to Peter’s rightful attachment to his mother-in-law, and His last and greatest miracle in response to His friendship and tears for the dead Lazarus and his sisters. He was willing to give up every attachment when His Father asked, but still prayed, without any imperfection “if you are able, let this cup pass from me, but not my will but Yours be done”. Would it be wrong to abandon the lifetime of suffering that would await me in the priesthood for the joy that the thought of marriage brings?
A fear I have is that maybe my perception of joy and pain are still too heavily affected by my sinful past and selfish childhood. I haven’t come to think of joy in the rejection and humiliation that St Francis described as “perfect joy”, but still think of it in quite a selfish way. Maybe I need longer in mortification before I can even begin to discern consolation or desolation. I’m still too self-indulgent in many ways, and the religious life would help me with this, I know, but only as a means to an end, which doesn’t seem to be the right reason to enter into it. I’m confused.
Sorry for rambling so much, all opinions welcome.