Contraceptive / NFP Advice

[Krislavis]

So, I don’t want to derail the point of this thread. Which is how to have effective nfp with a spouse who doesn’t quite trust it. You have some good starting points here. I would also encourage you to find an nfp instructor that can help. Many here will suggest couple to couple leage. The closest I can get to recommending them is that some people would recommend them…. You can search the forums here and see that almost all nfp threads will get pretty argumentative. People talk about if nfp can be used with a contraceptive mentality.
It’s a fine line between postponing a pregnancy because it isn’t a good idea right now and postponing one because one spouse is trying to prove something to the other.

Nfp is a concession of mercy. Not every Catholic couple has to use it. Nor is it the default for marital relations. Your husband (and maybe even you) seem to wish to wield this control over your fertility. Actually, control is fine when done with communication with God. But.i think this goes deeper than you know. Sex is becoming something you are using against the other. Your husband is desiring sex and not caring that you don’t wish to have a barrier between you. You are using it to show him that a mechanism of birth control is reliable. Neither of you seems to be dicerning your marital vocation and when you should co create life with God.

It may be something to ponder.

I really don’t want to “use sex” for anything other than expressing my love for my husband. I almost feel selfish either way though… either I am selfishly trying to have a baby and not guide my husband toward a more moral path or I am selfishly using sex to avoid pregnancy to prove a point. So while I don’t want or feel like I am using sex for something, both choices could be looked at in a way that seems selfish.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I really don’t want to “use sex” for anything other than expressing my love for my husband. I almost feel selfish either way though… either I am selfishly trying to have a baby and not guide my husband toward a more moral path or I am selfishly using sex to avoid pregnancy to prove a point. So while I don’t want or feel like I am using sex for something, both choices could be looked at in a way that seems selfish.

The whole idea that by “showing” him a few months of no pregnancy will somehow make him more moral is flawed. Nfp is hard even for the convinced. Proving to him it works may take time more time than you wish if you are wanting to concieve. Why not take nfp classes that can help him become educated about the methods and about the reasoning behind them. This can be done immediately.

I just don’t think you are looking at this correctly. It seems more likely to produce s husband that resents nfp than trusts it.

Either you have a reason to abstain or you don’t. If your reason is to prove nfp works… Well. That just doesn’t sound holy to me. Now, if you need a couple months to learn your method or cycles that is different but be on notice, everything is up for grabs postpartum.

What method of nfp have you learned?

I also want to say that I’m not trying to be harsh here just honest. We went from ABC to nfp, to nothing. Our journey was long, it was filled with spiritual conversions, experience and education, it did not happen overnight. That is where I’m coming from. Your understanding of sex, marriage and nfp and faith is going to gradually grow. Keep trying to achieve the holy in your life and you will be on the right path. That path may indeed be hard though. It’s pretty easy to put a condom on or take a pill or get a shot and then just do as you wish. Nfp is hard and requires sacrifice. Many couples find it difficult. Some find it easy.

 

[nodito]

If you were my friend, I’d advise you not to try to practice NFP to avoid if both of you are really hoping to conceive. It can be difficult to abstain when you have serious reasons to avoid children; all the harder if you don’t! But even more importantly, it can take a long time to conceive, and if you want a family now, then now is the time to try to make a family.

I speak from experience. I married at 23 and we never contracepted or practiced NFP to avoid. I gave birth to my first baby at 26. Sometimes it can take a while.

 

[LittleFlower378]

I have asked my husband for a while now to try using NFP so that we follow church teaching, however I think I complicated things by also saying that I thought we should think about starting a family soon. While I went off of birth control (because of the moral implications) and started charting, he refused to stop using condoms because he didn’t trust NFP as an effective way to avoid pregnancy.

Recently he said he would be willing to try starting a family this November. Because he is now ready though he also mentioned maybe trying to be open to life (not using condoms) but avoiding the fertile time so that he could “prove” that NFP wouldn’t work. Basically he is expecting me to get pregnant anyway and prove me wrong. He is willing to try it not because he is accepting the Church teaching on it but rather because he is coming around to the idea of having kids.

So I am torn. While I want to start a family and don’t feel we should wait much longer (I’ll be 31 in Feb), I also feel it is important for him to learn/see that it is possible to use NFP to follow the Church teachings and avoid pregnancy. Even if he doesn’t understand or agree with why the Church is against contraceptives, if he is re-assured that it is possible to use NFP then eventually after we do have a child he might consider just using NFP instead of resorting back to condoms.

While having a child soon is what I am yearning for and would bring good to us as a family. Having him learn to practice a moral way to be intimate is also important… What should I do?

I know one question I haven’t asked him but would be relevant would be how many months of not conceiving using NFP would it take for him to accept it.

This video will help you and your husband. Its about contraception and NFP by Fr.Chad Ripperger.

youtube.com/watch?v=AtrTjw35Sfc

 

[SusanneT]

If you were my friend, I’d advise you not to try to practice NFP to avoid if both of you are really hoping to conceive. It can be difficult to abstain when you have serious reasons to avoid children; all the harder if you don’t! But even more importantly, it can take a long time to conceive, and if you want a family now, then now is the time to try to make a family.

I speak from experience. I married at 23 and we never contracepted or practiced NFP to avoid. I gave birth to my first baby at 26. Sometimes it can take a while.

I would absolutely second that. We have three children (and sadly two miscarriages) but our youngest is 7 and despite not having done anything to avoid for the last three years and actively ‘trying’ for over a year I have not become pregnant again for no obvious reason.

It is not always as easy as people imagine.

 

[Krislavis]

The whole idea that by “showing” him a few months of no pregnancy will somehow make him more moral is flawed. Nfp is hard even for the convinced. Proving to him it works may take time more time than you wish if you are wanting to concieve. Why not take nfp classes that can help him become educated about the methods and about the reasoning behind them. This can be done immediately.

I just don’t think you are looking at this correctly. It seems more likely to produce s husband that resents nfp than trusts it.

Either you have a reason to abstain or you don’t. If your reason is to prove nfp works… Well. That just doesn’t sound holy to me. Now, if you need a couple months to learn your method or cycles that is different but be on notice, everything is up for grabs postpartum.

What method of nfp have you learned?

I also want to say that I’m not trying to be harsh here just honest. We went from ABC to nfp, to nothing. Our journey was long, it was filled with spiritual conversions, experience and education, it did not happen overnight. That is where I’m coming from. Your understanding of sex, marriage and nfp and faith is going to gradually grow. Keep trying to achieve the holy in your life and you will be on the right path. That path may indeed be hard though. It’s pretty easy to put a condom on or take a pill or get a shot and then just do as you wish. Nfp is hard and requires sacrifice. Many couples find it difficult. Some find it easy.

sorry for such a long delay in response. I have been following the sympto-thermal method of NFP. Since I last posted I have discussed this with our priest. He pretty much gave similar advice and advised, in order to avoid mind games, to re-address the question of whether he wants kids or not. He also suggested just going with the method of “whatever” and not tracking anything (no NFP and obviously no contraception). I would love the idea of this but I don’t see my husband going for it anytime soon

I did re-address the question with my husband and he basically said he is worried about regretting having kids, that he will come across a situation where he feels burdened by them and will resent them because of that. Part of this has to do with the fact that he is relating having kids to the puppy we got two years ago that he feels we are “stuck” with. I keep trying to help him realize that there is no comparison between a dog and a kid but he is still unsure about how he will feel. Telling him nobody is ever ready for kids is also not very confidence inspiring to him.

I feel I’m at the point where I just need to trust everything to prayer because there is just simply nothing else i can do. last week when I re-addressed the question he got upset and admitted that he said we could start trying next month only because he felt forced. I tried to explain that puts me in an awkward position because then i feel I can never admit how I’m feeling to him. Especially since having kids is on my mind almost 24-7 these days. It seems unfair for him to be free to make remarks about having kids or not having kids or me being “baby crazy” and me not being able to respond for fear of him feeling pressured.

So I’m holding it in, and hoping that when the topic surfaces again I don’t go crying so hard I can’t speak coherently again.