Controlling electronics use by children

[ServingAll]

My children especially my son is overly addicted to electronics. Especially iPads. Where once he starts he can’t stop. We almost always end up in a huge fight when it’s time to stop to the point where he’s screaming and kicking the wall. We’ve banned it on weekdays.
I don’t want to ban devices completely but I want him to learn self control. He’s 9 years old now. Is this a phase that he’ll grow out of? My wife is afraid he’ll end up wasting his life addicted to video games.

 

[Peeps]

I agree with your banning games on weekdays. If it were me, I would never allow games like this, but I’m a rock when it comes to listening to children complain and whine.

But…once you have taken the games away, what do you replace them with?

Do you get him involved in other wholesome activities like church activities and classes, scouting (Boy Scouts), charitable activities, sports, music, robotics and other “real” computer skills, taking care of a pet, a club like 4 H, playing board games with you, teaching him a skill like cooking (yes, men should cook!) or car maintenance and repair, working in a workshop with Dad (or Mom, if it’s her thing), building models, lapidary, reading good books, etc.?

You can’t just take the games away without giving him something else to replace them with. Kids nowadays don’t have a neighborhood crowd of peers to run outside and play with. Everyone else is inside playing electronic games. So make sure to help him find some other cool activity to fill his time with, and of course, there’s always homework and household chores!

 

[Jen7]

Can you tie it to privileges? We make our son earn video game time. Homework needs to be done and so do chores.

 

[Jen7]

We almost always end up in a huge fight when it’s time to stop to the point where he’s screaming and kicking the wall.

Why is he allowed to think that’s an okay way to react to a parent? In my book, that behavior deserves its own separate consequence because it’s rude and disrespectful.

 

[Peeps]

Why is he allowed to think that’s an okay way to react to a parent? In my book, that behavior deserves its own separate consequence because it’s rude and disrespectful.

Normally I would agree with you, but I think that the over-the-top reaction is a normal reaction of an addicted person who is being deprived of his “fix.”

I wouldn’t be too quick to punish him, as he has to go through “detox” to break his addiction, and detox is painful and scary, and it’s understandable that he lashes out at his parent to try to get relief from his real pain and suffering. Ever seen an adult trying to stop smoking? Or an alcoholic trying to get sober? Addiction is not pretty and neither is breaking the addiction.

Google "Kim Komando and addictions to electronic games–she has nothing good to say about children playing these games.

 

[Jen7]

I wouldn’t be too quick to punish him, as he has to go through “detox” to break his addiction, and detox is painful and scary, and it’s understandable that he lashes out at his parent to try to get relief from his real pain and suffering.

Hmmmm… well then at least he should have some boundaires. It’s not like he gets to treat people poorly just because he’s addicted. That wouldn’t fly in my house. I don’t care what a person is struggling with - they need to figure out how to be civil. Or they can go scream privately in an empty room / the backyard / etc. But not in my face.

 

[Peeps]

Hmmmm… well then at least he should have some boundaires. It’s not like he gets to treat people poorly just because he’s addicted. That wouldn’t fly in my house. I don’t care what a person is struggling with - they need to figure out how to be civil. Or they can go scream privately in an empty room / the backyard / etc. But not in my face.

I’m just not sure he can control it. Recovering addicts go through agony, and some do a lot of screaming. I kind of agree about an empty room (which most houses don’t have!), but I would also be concerned that a child could hurt himself.

It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? All this because of electronic games! But it’s a real issue in the U.S. right now.

Komando’s report last week cited a study that demonstrated that electronic games played for hours at a stretch actually stunt a child’s brain development in the language areas, which negatively affects their ability to learn to read and communicate with others (hence the screaming in a parent’s face). These electronic games are powerfully addictive. Even adults get addicted, and lose jobs, homes, and families because they are unable to control their constant gaming.

 

[ServingAll]

Some children aren’t as obedient as others unfortunately. I don’t have an empty room to put him in. Even if I did he would probably wreck the plastering and any furniture in the room. He has damaged my car when he lost his temper once. Sometimes my wife wonders what we did wrong to deserve this.

 

[Viki63]

You haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s important to help your son get control of his behavior.
I took my grandson’s Kindle fire away from him for a couple of years, after a relative gave it to him (he was 3) and he was on it constantly. Recently I gave it back (his dad did, actually --he’s nearly 6 now) but I put Kindle FreeTime on it, which allows me to limit the amount of time he can spend playing.
I’m not an expert, but I don’t think this is a phase that kids grow out of. It’s an addiction. If he were snorting cocaine you wouldn’t think it was a phase.

What I would do is take away his ipads totally until he shows respectful behavior for several weeks. Then if you think it best, I would give it back for an hour a day on weekends only, and see if he can handle it. Put a limit on it with one of the apps available. If he doesn’t handle it well, take it away for good. The Freetime thing is great, because it’s automatic and he doesn’t get angry at me.

We need to protect our kids’ growing brains.

 

[Retsel]

Even if I did he would probably wreck the plastering and any furniture in the room. He has damaged my car when he lost his temper once. Sometimes my wife wonders what we did wrong to deserve this.

Addicted junkie or parents overthinking the difference between that and a spoiled child?

Actual brain damage aside…, Lack of proper discipline is the normal culprit.

It most likely took five years or more of to get to where you are now, it’s only fair to have a progressive plan to get back to a state of normalcy.

Hint: At the end of the progressive plan the child has learned respect and balance of activities or the devices start getting dropped in the trash can.

Btw, Many over-busied parents use video games and tv to get the kids out of their hair. This parenting by proxy is the start of most of the problems.

 

[Peeps]

I just want to say that I appreciate the OP posting this thread and being honest about what’s happening in her family, even though it means that people like me will be harsh about what should be done.

I think that many young parents will benefit from reading this discussion, and perhaps take greater care before giving their children gaming devices that seem very innocent and fun on the surface, but are simply too much for many children (and lots of grownups!) to handle. This thread will help them to decide if, firstly, they will ever give their children gaming devices and secondly, what rules and limitation will they impose on the gaming if they decide to allow it into their homes.

I’m sorry, OP, that you are going through all this.

One more thing–I think that since your son seems to have such violent reactions to being deprived, he might have an “addictive personality” (someone who easily becomes hooked on a pleasurable object or experience). It might be wise to be very careful in the future about giving him anything that could possibly be addictive unless strict rules and limits are placed on the object or experience. Perhaps you could use his addictive personality to try to get him addicted to books (or some other positive object or experience).

But be careful even with that! I was a true bookworm when I was growing up, and even read books undercover while my teachers were lecturing or doing work on the blackboard! Once a teacher asked me if my book was more interesting than her class, and I answered, “Yes!” (It was Ben Hur, and I was in high school!).

Hang in there!

 

[F_Marturana]

It sounds like addiction. Addiction to electronics is possible.

 

[SusanneT]

We run a daily limit of 1.5 hours on all electronics, nothing before school or before 9.00am on weekends (to stop them getting up early to play on them), nothing within 1 hour of bed time and in holidays from school nothing before lunch (so as to encourage ‘real play’). Plus of course very strict parental controls on content.

 

[Horton]

I don’t want to ban devices completely but I want him to learn self control. He’s 9 years old now. Is this a phase that he’ll grow out of? My wife is afraid he’ll end up wasting his life addicted to video games.

he would probably wreck the plastering and any furniture in the room. He has damaged my car when he lost his temper once. Sometimes my wife wonders what we did wrong to deserve this.

Quite honestly I think the electronics thing is the least of your issues. I believe limiting electronics is a good thing and should always be done, however you have a son with an explosive temper which will only get worse and more destructive as he gets older. I strongly suggest you seek out a behavioral therapist as soon as you can to address the temper and lack of control.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I don’t want to ban devices completely but I want him to learn self control. He’s 9 years old now. Is this a phase that he’ll grow out of? My wife is afraid he’ll end up wasting his life addicted to video games.

Consider looking into parental control software for the devices. Also ask one of your tech savvy friends about setting up your home internet to disconnect certain devices at designated times (when he gets older).

 

[Lou2U]

Is this a phase that he’ll grow out of?

Not on his own, no. You need to put the rules down and be consistent, before it’s too late.

He has damaged my car when he lost his temper once.

This is really concerning. Was this in response to an electronic ban or something else? I agree with Horton - you and your son need to work out how to manage his temper.

 

[Peeps]

It seems that many people do not grow out of electronic gaming. I know adults who spend almost all of their free time playing these games, and that includes lunch break, etc.

I even saw women playing games on their phones during the breaks at the the Catholic Women’s Conference that I attended last weekend! All those lovely women around them (2400 in attendance), and instead of chatting and “fellowshiping” (LOVE that old Evangelical word!) or heading to the Adoration Chapel if they wanted some peace and quiet, they played a solitary electronic game! Sigh.

My husband’s former ice skating partner (he’s no longer skating because of a hip replacement) would sit in the car during drives to competitions, and play her game on her phone. No conversation–just silence and that dumb game.

No wonder so many people are lonely.

 

[Jen7]

Perhaps you could use his addictive personality to try to get him addicted to books (or some other positive object or experience).

I think this is great advice. If he tends to get “hooked” on things or “in the zone” easily, then help him find something healthy to dig deeply into! There are lots of creative outlets that can reward him by growing his skill as he goes deeper into them (art, music, woodworking, grilling, or even things that could turn into money for him like lawn maintenance).

 

[JanR]

This is a dangerous thing – addiction to electronics and the virtual realities they allow us to create so we can avoid real living in the real world – yes, we risk wasting our lives if all of our precious time is spent this way.

I see pedestrians in crosswalks looking down at their cell phones, texting, and not paying attention to their surroundings or where they are going. Criminals look for inattentive people they can victimize.

And if one is so busy staring at the screen that one doesn’t see that step, one trips over the step and is injured.

I’ve even seen where couples walking beside each other text each other instead of speaking face-to-face. Detached from the reality of a truly intimate relationship.

We lose our social skills, we lose the precious quality time of personal interactions, we become mean bullies hiding anonymously behind a screen – this is all very, very dangerous!

Take your son outdoors and let him listen to birds singing. Just sit quietly and listen to nature. Better than any video game or other electronic activity. Once he discovers how awesome the real world can be, he will prefer that over the machines.

But, do it NOW!

 

[HopenHappiness]

It sounds like your son not only has an addiction to electronics, but also has not been held accountable for his actions. He is in need of some serious counseling and an attitude adjustment. And if you do not fix his behavior now, just imagine him 7 years down the road 5’10" and 175 lbs, and end up hurting or killing someone. Do something now before it is to late and you regret your lack of actions.

God Bless and Stay strong, your son depends on it.