Controlling Parents?

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lovedance4ever

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Hello everyone. I am an eighteen year old girl who has been struggling with these feelings for a while, now. Before I begin, I want to say that I do love my parents very, very much, and I never want to do anything to them that is disrespectful or hurtful in any way. This just (in my opinion) needs to be addressed in some form, and I’m hoping to get some opinions.

Since I was little, I have always behaved fairly well for my parents. Like any child, I had many imperfections (still do) and was mischievous on occasion, but I never did anything really horrible, or went against their rules in a rebellious way.

However, now that I’m eighteen, I really desire more freedom, and I feel that their worry about me gets in the way. This very evening (which actually inspired me to write this), I went to my church choir rehearsal with my friend, and then came back to watch some TV. It was only 8pm, and so I did not see much harm in it. Now, my friend lives at a college about half an hour away, and I am her ride back. It is a route I know like the back of my hand, and my mother knows that. Well, she had to take a pill which makes her sleepy, and told me that she was unable to take it until I was on my way back from dropping my friend off. She got really angry at me (and always does) because I was not taking me friend home early so she could go to sleep. Her reason for doing this, is because she thinks that one of these days, I will be in an emergency situation and will need her help, which she will be unable to give me, because she would be asleep. Now, in my opinion, this is ridiculous. I am eighteen; an adult in the eyes of the law, and able to be out passed nine o’clock.

But this is not all. My dad does this stuff too. Even if I am just going down the street for a gallon of milk, when I arrive, I have to call to let them know I am there, and if I don’t happen to let them know right away, my mom will call frantically to see what has happened. My father tries to set my curfew at 9:30, because the “drunks” are out by 11, and I feel this is not fair because I really want to hang out with my friends.

Also, I made plans with a close friend (who is 14….very responsible, and like my little sister) to go on a trip this year. The location is only about 5 ½ hours away, and I’ve been there before, so it’s not new to me at all. My father agreed after doing some research, and so I booked a room and everything (mind you, I am funding the WHOLE trip, not asking my parents for a dime). After everything was set to go, my father told me that he changed his mind and that the only way I could go, would be if he and my mother secretly followed behind! I was so angry and hurt that I burst into tears and just could not stop crying. I actually argued with them, and my father gave in, but he still tries to find ways to guilt me out of going. He doesn’t think I notice, but I do.

These are just a few examples, and now, after a long time of dealing with this…I feel like I have no space to breathe, like I’m being smothered. I feel like rebelling (a highly irrational feeling, I know…but it is what it is). I would never do it, but it just makes me so angry. I know they worry, but sometimes I think they are very controlling and are irrational in their fears. I know they worry and I am lucky to have parents who care, but I feel like they are crossing the line. I am an adult now. I am thinking of getting an apartment with my friend, but I am not so sure how that will work.

I guess my question is…am I being irrational, or are my parents a little too controlling? Parents out there…how do you feel about this?

Thanks in advance.

Love and God bless.
 
I kind of get a little where you’re coming from. I’m over 30 and when I go home, I still have a mom who is worried about me going to a movie after dark. What I will say is that I did speak to them at one point when I was younger and asked them to listen to what I had to say all the way through - as they had said that I could talk to them if I needed to about things. So (admittedly after listening to some Dr. Phil at one point or the such) - I told them that I didn’t understand why it seemed that they didn’t trust me to be out on my own - and I asked them what I could do to prove to them that I was responsible (besides going to school, and taking care of myself while at school)- of course part of the problem my mom said was not that she didn’t trust me - but didn’t trust the other people out there in the world. We came to a consensus that as long as I had a friend out with me and was where I said I would be (not alone or out with ‘undesirables’- my mom’s word not mine)- that they would be a little more o.k. with it. So slowly (even though I was over 18 at the time)- they let up. I don’t know if this is an option, but I got a scholarship to go live back in Japan (where I grew up)- I know you didn’t (or at least don’t think you did)- but they did a lot better letting me have more room after I had gone to another country to live. I know this is extreme but is there any chance of going and doing some kind of semester over seas or something that would also further your education? This might really show them how responsible you can be. Other than that, parents will always be parents - and your mom and dad will always be your mom and dad and you will always be their child - even when your 50 and married with your own kids. I know it’s not great right now (I do get it - even the guilt trip thing)- but it really helped me to be able to put it in their hands and say 'I’ve tried to show you how responsible I am - what else can I do to show you I deserve to be trusted by you guys more?" -it took them a while to think about it, but it really helped. I think it was good for me not to go to them saying ‘it’s not fair - all of my friends get to go out…’ or ‘why aren’t you treating me like an adult??’ - coming to them in this other manner may help to show them that you’re really beginning to think like an adult. It’s great that you’ve asked for advice as well.
God Bless - and pray for your parents - remember they’re not trying to be mean (even though it may seem that way) - I think they’re just worried about all the bad things in the world that they can’t control.
Rye
 
Do you have any siblings? If you don’t, that could be part of the reason why your parents are this protective and controlling.

I’m the eldest of four children, and my parents are also quite protective.
While you live with your parents, they’re going to expect you to follow their rules. Try and keep showing them how responsible you are. Talk to them about how you feel.

You are still young, but if you think you can support yourself enough to move out of home that might be a good step to take.
 
Hi lovedance4ever,

I have an 18-year-old daughter and worry very much over her whenever she isn’t home or somewhere we aren’t sure about.
Most parents are the same.
I think you are right on both sides of the story.
You are blessed to have parents that care, but you will also think they are controlling you too much.
Without getting into the specifics, I suppose talking with your parents about these things over and over will help ease the situation.
As a parent, the more information I have about the friends my daughter goes out with, and about her friends’ parents, the better.
Perhaps a get-together at your place with friends so your parents get to know them better may help.
 
I am a mother of six and a grandmother to soon to be seven (in about 6 more weeks). I also had a mother and a father who were very strict and, yes, controlling. So, from my experience only, I am telling you that having a good conversation with your parents as someone else suggested, just asking what else you can do to prove to them that you are maturing and very responsible and careful is a great idea. No whining or complaining, just adult conversation, please. Don’t expect a miracle from one conversation, but persist in asking how you can gain more adult freedom by showing them how you’ve grown up to be the wise, responsible adult that you now seem to be. You might even go so far as to remind them what a wonderful job they have done in raising you to be an adult. This is how it goes with every young adult, wanting more freedom and trust.

My mom was still trying to control me in many ways up until the day she died and I loved her for her efforts and finally came to accept that was never going to change totally. Part of what you are going through is just part of the separation process. It’s what makes a young adult decide it’s time to move out into the world and leave the safetly and comfort of the family nest. It sounds to me as if you may be preparing mentally and emotionally for the first flight. 😃
Don’t expect your parents to change all that much no matter what you say or do. When you do decide to move out, be prepared for the theatrics. they won’t like it, won’t think youre ready, etc. Don’t look for approval or blessing. Pray for strength and guidance.
 
You reminded me of a story that a mother once told me. Her single adult daughter lived with them well into her 30’s. She used to go to work by bus, and would cross the street and wait. Now her mother looked out the window, saw the bus coming, and her daughter wasn’t at the bus stop. You know, she was phoning the police that something awful must have happened! (This was before everyone had cell phones) It turns out one of the neighbors had an appointment down town and stopped to offer her a lift. They had a pleasant chat all the way while mom was hysterical.

It seems to me parents have one treasure on this earth, and it’s their children. Maybe they need to spend more time with the prayer, *Jesus, I trust in you! *That’s what is behind fear, isn’t it? Our lack of trust in God?

As a side note, I hope you can stay home longer and work toward a post secondary education. That is a wonderful gift that parents can offer, a roof and food, so that you can get set with an education for the rest of your life. So many want that education and can’t manage taking the time in school and still pay all the bills. It’s your chance to focus on your future and look forward to where you can be in 5 years. Set a long term goal and work through all those annoying bumps along the way. Some of those bumps being your parents, of course. It’s good training for when you have annoying children and annoying spouses. 😛

God bless.
 
You’re parents are absolutely being controlling, but they are doing it out of fear. It’s not that they don’t trust you, they just worry about all the things they can’t control that could put you in jeopardy. I think every parent goes through this, but most parents swallow their fear (and it is tremendously hard to do!), pray to God, and cut the umbilical cord. You need to talk to your parents in a calm reasonable tone. Write down what you want to say, and all of your counter arguments, and remain sensitive to their feelings.

I would look into going away to college, to a summer program, and exchange program, anything to help them release their death grip on you.
 
Ryecroft’s advice sounds excellent.👍

I’m sure your parent’s fears come from love. I remember just about having a heart attack the first time my daughter climbed a tree!

Part of the problem may come from the way the media tends to select stories. “Drunken, drug-addled chick gets raped at frat party” is a story, “Responsible young lady arrives home safely after visiting friend’s house” is not.
 
18 is a difficult age…for the young adult and the parents. But, it is their responsibiity to help you to be an independent adult. Sounds like they’ve done a good job so far, but they’re struggling with your independence. Perhaps you can ask them to identify the things they think you need to learn to be more independent. Then, together, you can work towards those goals.

As a parent, I never slept until my children were home. It just didn’t happen. Your are the most precious gem in their lives. I can relate.

But, I also understand your side. A few months ago when leaving my mother’s, she told me to call her when I got home. I live 30 minutes from her. I’m 63…she’s 87. Get the Picture:eek:

Saying a prayer for your “graduation to independence”.
 
I’m dealing with this right now, my son is 18…

I personally think that your parents rules are a little bit overboard, but on the other hand, it is their house to set the rules… My own son has to be in by midnight, or stay the night at a friends, and his father is very vocal that it’s because “the drunks are out after midnight” 😃 He thinks that rule is “lame”…but knows he has to follow it if he wants to live in our house. Other rules he has been able to have negotiated. But in the end, my rules don’t have to be fair, or even agreeable, its my house.

I agree with the rest of the posters, talk with your parents. It would be better if you and your parents could come to reasonable agreement, you could save up money, gather job skills or finish college, and then move out. I mean, I know that I can insist on “my house, my rules”, but I would feel a bit of a fool if I told someone I kicked out my son because he insisted on working full time instead of part time like I wanted, or that I kicked him out because he was out past nine on a weekend 🤷

And I WORRY!!! Oh how I worry, this part of parenthood has been so much harder than the rest. I know its hard for you to understand (heck even I realize rationally that my son is a great responsible kid), but it is hard to find the right happy medium. I pray all the time, and worry if he’s out late, or at a concert, or works late…or anywhere really. So have a little compassion for their feelings too, if its this hard with my son, how will I (or dh) deal with my girls!

Also, having older parents around is helpful. Do your parents have any friends or siblings that you could call on to help mediate a discussion? Being a somewhat young parent, as my kids were growing up I got to hear lots of discussion from other parents who had older children. I heard many trials and tribulations, but really most of those kids turned out great! Listening to just the general conversations helped me to learn what is and isn’t “fairly normal” rules for older teens and “adults”.

And finally, actions speak loudest! Be responsible, follow the rules. Show responsibility to your parents. It’s really hard for me to buy the “I’m an adult” argument from someone who needs gas money from mom and dad, or still has mom cleaning up and doing laundry for them. Behave like an adult, and then you can demand the respect of an adult.
 
ryecroft said:
I kind of get a little where you’re coming from. I’m over 30 and when I go home, I still have a mom who is worried about me going to a movie after dark.
Rye
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Last year, my mom was worried about me driving 2 hours home because it was after dark.

At the time, I had been married for almost 20 years, I had a teen of my own, lived in my own house with my husband, I was in my mid 40’s. She was in the hospital and not in the position to do anything if I didn’t call her when I arrived home. But she was a Mom. Mom’s don’t stop being Moms because their children have a birthday. Moms are Moms till the day they die, then we, their children, miss them like crazy.

Dads work this way too. I couldn’t count how many times my father questioned me about going out after dark. Or going to a part of town he thought was a “bad part of town.” And you know what, he also, worried about me until the day he died. (I miss him like crazy too.)

Moral of the story? Parents are your parents forever. It doesn’t matter how old you are, they will worry. While you live in there house, you follow their rules. When you live on your own, then you can choose how to live, but hopefully your parents rules will make more sense.
 
As a mom to 2 college students and a high schooler, let me chime in here, since I have kids your age.

Two of mine are away at college. When they are at college, they do not have to tell me where they are going or when they will return to their dorms. They are independent.😃

When they are home, they have to tell me where they are going and when I should expect them to return. That, to me, is just common courtesy. They do not have a curfew (they are adults, after all), but I do tell them that if they are going to be out past 1 am, they should consider just staying overnight where they are going, because I do not want them on the road with all the drunk drivers. They text me if they are staying overnight somewhere. Usually, though, they are home by midnight, though, and each will send a text saying, “Coming home” so I know to expect them.

The high schooler has to text me when he gets somewhere and when he is leaving. He has only had his license for 6 months, though. He also must be home by 11 pm on weekends.

These age is MUCH harder than the infant and toddler years. Trust me on that one.
 
I know this is a challenging time. But I do think there’s a big difference between “controlling” behavior and “common courtesy”.

Consider this scenario… Say you’re meeting friends at this destination who are driving in from another far-off local and you’re getting together for a reunion, of sorts. So you make plans to arrive Saturday afternoon. Would you expect to make contact with those friends along the way? Phone calls saying “We’re on the road - can’t wait to see you!”… or “We’re just an hour away!”. What if you arrived at your destination and your friends had never contacted you… and never showed up? You would obviously be upset, concerned, confused… right?

Making contact and communicating are common courtesies… not controlling behaviors.

I’m 33, married with 4 kids. I talk to my parents and my mother-in-law on a daily basis. They’re aging and I like checking in on them to see how they’re doing. I call when I leave my house to say, “I’m on the road, I’ll be there soon!”. When we travel as a family we still call our parents to let them know where we are. When we take a flight we call them when we land, “we got here safely - love you!” These are healthy ways to communicate.

Now, I can’t speak to your parents’ decision to allow you to travel and then changing their minds… maybe they have a good reason for that, maybe not. But, be open to compromise! Instead of fighting back consider having a conversation. “Hey mom and dad, I know you’re concerned about me on the road. What if I call you once and hour so you can know I’m okay? What if I show you how to track the GPS on my phone so you can know where I am? What if I txt you when I get back to the hotel each night I go out?”
These are great compromises for the sake of safety!
Seriously - there ARE bad people out in this world and there ARE drunks on the road! RESPONSIBLE people die every day due to actions outside their control. Young, cute girls are kidnapped all the time! That doesn’t mean you should live in fear or not be allowed to go out, but it does require us to put some forethought into protecting ourselves. There are safety compromises that you can make that may help settle your parents’ fears. GREAT compromises!
Open a discussion… 🙂
 
My simple advice? Sit them both down, together and have a simple conversation with them about expectations and curfew. If you mind their rules and give them no problems then there is no reason why you can’t be given a little more room to go out at night with girlfriends or whatever.
Find out why and what the problems are and work with them, all three of you, together.

I was 18 when I moved out for college. I was a VERY good girl up until that day. I always minded my parents to the letter and followed their rules without question. However, that little bit of college freedom went to my head and when I moved back home at 20 to commute, I stopped listening and basically went nuts. I feel really bad for my parents now because anything I was once as a High School student was gone and I threw rules of curfew, boys, chores and such right back in their face.

However, I learned quickly what worked and what didn’t and overtime was able to earn their trust back. They felt comfortable with me leaving again when I was 23 and I haven’t been home since.

On a side note, don’t really expect them or anyone else for that matter, to change much when you are pregnant. It’s interesting when you have a Fiance, BIL, Dad and anyone else you know…following you everywhere. When I left a Christmas party last year, I had to make 6 individual phone calls to assure everyone I was perfectly fine and okay with leaving the party to go home by myself, at 9 pm.
 
Wow…I was a totally different parent to our teens than most of y’all…I must be a bad mother…😛
OP, I have parents that even now insist on me calling them daily and I am 47 years old. I don’t get it, but there it is.
When I was 18, I hit the ground running after graduation, went to college, joined the Air Force, married a military man and lived all over the world for umpteen years. I cannot imagine allowing my parents to control me to the extent that yours are controlling you. Naturally my parents cut up rough, but I did what I wanted to do, although respectfully and lovingly. Don’t allow your parents to dictate your life. They will want you to do everything with safety first in mind, and a really fulfilling life involves some risk and challenges.
With my teens, I never even set curfew in high school because I just expected them to get to bed at a reasonable hour. I can honestly say that I could sleep like a baby! Isn’t that weird? I am the only one I know who is like that. I guess I just trusted that they would be safe, careful, and practical, and they really were. They’re grown and married with families of their own now and seem to do fine. I think that my relationship with my husband is the reigning passion of my life and most of my thoughts go to him…the kids were just along for the ride :D.
 
I agree with the others who have suggested having a mature discussion with them. Explain that you feel like you’d like to have more freedom and would like to know in what ways you have not yet earned their trust to be allowed to do those things. You’re right–at 18 you shouldn’t have a 9pm curfew.

I understand how you’re feeling; I have overprotective parents too. It’s still a struggle for me. I’m married, with my own kids, and my parents still hover over me constantly. Part of it is because my family and my parents are all living under the same roof right now, but it really doesn’t change much even when we have our own place. My mom insists that we all have keys to each others’ homes so that we can get in if there is “an emergency.” Usually it just leads to more unexpected visits than anything else. DH and I are seriously considering not giving them keys to our next place… If DH and the kids and I take off for a weekend trip without my parents, we’re fed the guilt trip. Just last night my mom was filling out her jury duty summons and was talking as she was doing it–she was going to say that there were 4 children living in her home because DH and I are her kids! So I understand what it’s like to feel like you’re not treated like an adult.

Let them know that you love them and value your time with them, but that you’d like to have some extra space. If you have a good job and are willing to move out to your own place, that would probably be a smart move. Once you cut the financial ties, it helps to give you a lot more freedom because you really don’t have to depend on them for anything. You don’t have to say it’s because you’re feeling smothered, just that you’re an adult now and you feel like it’s time for you to get your own place.
 
I’m not sure whether this is appropriate, but this site covers many issues surrounding personal safety. Perhaps looking over it with your parents might convince them that you are - from what you have told us - in a fairly low-risk group. Then again, you might find that you habitually do things that give your parents legitimate concerns about your safety. Regardless, it could be a way to start the conversation.

Make of it what you will.
 
They are controlling, but a lot of parents can be like that because they care and they really love you. They just aren’t always the best at expressing the concern and suppressing their worry, and can you expect them to? I went through the same situation, exactly. My parents were, and still are, not great about it. I’m 18 too, but in my freshman year of college. I didn’t get to begin driving until I was 18, but my boyfriend (and best friend) would take me wherever I needed to go whenever.

The best thing I could recommend is to just talk to them, calmly! It doesn’t help to just start fights over trying to talk to them about you being a legal adult and more mature. Moving out may be a good idea, but I don’t know what your future plans are. For me, I moved away to a college that is about 6 hours from home, so visiting isn’t impossible, but I get to have the freedom I want without the control. Now that I can look back on what happened, I know my parents love me and that they’re trying, but it’s hard. Especially if you’re their only child. Even when I go back for breaks, it can be tough because they want to act the same way, but finding a balance between patience and understanding on their side, and standing firm on the freedom you want is the best you can do.

I hope I made sense, I’m afraid that made none… I’m praying for you and I wish you the best!!
 
An author named Gavin de Becker has written a couple of really great books on personal safety, risk management, and appropriate fear. The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift. They might be a good springboard for discussion.

My mom was really controlling, even though I was the perfect child. She phoned my college dorm room late one Friday evening and went bonkers when I didn’t answer the phone. At 10pm on a Friday evening in an all-girls dorm. Where we were having a Dr Seuss film fest.

After I got the ranting and raving phone message the next morning, I sat her down for a very direct talk. I told her flat out that she had done her job raising me at home and now needed to trust that I would continue to be the person she knew i was. And, frankly, if I were at a keg party instead of watching movies in my jammies, what did she really think she could do about it? That pretty much fixed it and I wish I had been more direct with her when I was younger.

Maybe helpful in your situation, maybe not.
 
If you are going to live with your parents, you will have to follow their rules. However, their rules sound rediculous to me. You might consider working toward procuring your own lodgings. My mother was far more permissive when I was your age but we came to a point where we had to acknowledge that there were “too many women in the kitchen”. We love each other but I was an adult, I had responsibilities to myself, (work and education) and our continued living arrangement had become intolerable. This is the natural course of things. I am assuming that you are or will soon be in college. Do you have the opportunity to live in a dormitory or university studio? In the mean time, you must be respectful to your parents rules. Perhaps you can have a discussion with them and lay down some boundaries that you both find acceptable.
 
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