Convincing wife to stop using contraceptives

[ProdglArchitect]

Hello, I am looking for advice on how to approach a specific subject with my wife, namely her use of contraceptives.

First, some back story. I am a cradle Catholic who faltered in my faith during college. This faith has since been restored, and I have been approaching it with a new zeal and determination. My wife does not belong to any religion, but has stated that if she were to, it would be the Catholic faith. She has been very receptive to Catholic teachings on many subject, but maintains a few points that she cannot seem to reconcile with her world view. I have been working to bring her to the Catholic Church, but she is the type where, if I try to rush / push the decision, she’ll be repelled by it; as such I’ve just been working slowly and explaining things as they come up.

Also, we were both chaise until marriage, and have had an otherwise perfect marital life. This issue is arising as a result of developing a fuller understanding of the Church’s laws, as the relate to marital relations.

Now for the current issue.

Currently, my wife is using birth control for two purposes. Firstly, the crux of the matter, is as a contraceptive. Secondly,0 and more importantly (or so she says), is to regulate her cycle, which was prone to multiple months of variation before she started on the pills. This is a very touchy subject between us because the variation in her cycle would cause her periods to be so painful they could be debilitating. For this reason, I’ve had a lot of trouble pushing the issue, because I don’t like to see her in pain.

She has her yearly exam coming up, and I want to talk to her about possibly switching over to another method of cycle regulation, but I do not know how to. As stated, it is a very touchy subject for her. She does not really use the “my body, my choice” defence, but is more concerned with us having a child when we are not fiscally capable of giving it a good home. She also does not seem particularly open to the concept of NFP, claiming that it wouldn’t work for her because of her extreme variations (a fact I have tried to dispute, with little success) Also, there is, of course, the fact that she does not want her cycle to go back to being what was essentially random; nor do I because, as stated, it caused her a great deal of pain.

I could really use some guidance on how to approach the subject with her. I do not want to alienate her, or force her hand. She has stated that if she goes off the pills it means she won’t be comfortable having sex until we are capable of supporting a child. While I don’t like that concept, I am willing to live with it if it means bringing us closer together in marriage and in faith. My biggest fear is that by pressing the issue I will, in affect, cause her to pull away from the church.

Thanks for any guidance you can give me.
God bless.

 

[SMHW]

Some one will probably beat me to this. Look into the Pope Paul VI Institute. And see if you can find an NFP only doctor in your area who might address your wife’s problems. It’s not a sin to use medicines with a contraceptive side effect to treat medical conditions but there are other ways. I’d treat this as a health issue first and then work on the contraceptive angle.

popepaulvi.com/

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Thank you for that. I will show her that site and talk to her about it. I think that approaching it from the medical angle first will probably produce the best results, we are both very rational people and where I fail to convince with faith I can generally convince her with logic.

Thank you again, I really appreciate the help.

Again, God bless.

 

[twoangels]

What I would recommend is fertilitycare.org/
See if there are any medical consultants in your area. It may be harder to motivate her if such a doctor is not covered as in-network under your insurance plan, but it is one medical option. These types of doctors are not in every location. Often all that is offered for regulation is the birth control pill. It also may still not be exactly what she’s looking for. When I went to a napro doctor complaining of pain, I was simply told to go on magnesium. It did nothing. I had to remove caffeine from my diet to make the pain tolerable. My contractions in labor were not much worse than the cramping I would experience. Once I had my daughter and my cycles resumed, it was like starting afresh. I did not have the severe cramping anymore nor any of the other problems I had been having.

It should be noted that it is not immoral to be on hormones with birth control side effects to treat health issues. There can be some concern about the possibility of ovulating while on the birth control pill. No one knows exactly how frequently this happens, but this makes fertilization possible all while the endometrium tissue is thin. This can result in a child dying before it implants. That said women with health issues may already be struggling with fertility issues. If her luteal phase is abnormally short, she may be shedding endometrium tissue before implantation has finished thus also resulting in the child’s death.

The Church does not expect us to drive five hours away to see a doctor not covered by our insurance so that we can avoid being on the birth control pill. Nor does the Church require women to risk their fertility by allowing endometrosis to govern their bodies and cause them pain. Nor are women required to endure such heavy periods that they become anemic. In fact, I have heard of women who have had so many feminine problems that having a period meant needing a blood transfusion unless they had a total hysterectomy.

 

[L_piperatus]

I agree that it is morally acceptable to use hormone therapy to deal with painful cycles, even if it causes infertility as a side effect. From a medical standpoint, though, we are increasingly aware that combined hormonal contraceptives are carcinogens that cause breast cancer, cervical cancer, hepatic cancer, even colorectal cancer. They also raise the risk of deep vein thrombosis and stroke, even in young women who never used to suffer strokes before the age of the birth control pills.

The FDA is demonstrably biased about contraceptive and abortive drugs, there are biased professionals there who believe that avoiding pregnancy is well worth the serious risks and side-effects of abortive and contraceptive drugs. Due to their bias, policy makers at the FDA have been keeping the public in the darkness and will continue doing so, regarding the serious and sometimes fatal side-effects of contraceptive and abortive drugs.

Please try to get your wife to visit a gynecologist who doesn’t think like “even if it causes breast cancer, the risks are worth the benefits of avoiding pregnancy”. There are doctors out there who will try to solve your wife’s problems, regarding painful periods, without prescribing medications that are known to cause cancer, thrombosis, and stroke.

 

[runningreddog]

When I make decisions about anything important, I try my best to gather as much info about the subject. I try to make an educated decision. You could, in a gentle way, ask her to go to an NFP class just to get educated on the subject.

 

[thewanderer]

Here is a link to a secular aproach to NFP.

tcoyf.com/store.aspx?shop

Perhaps your wife will feel more comfortable about trusting NFP if she reads more about its success rate from a secular source? The author is a nationally respected women’s health educator and speaker with a master’s degree in Public Health, so the book might hold more weight with her than other sources which might be considered biased because of religious beliefs. Out of 444 reviews on Amazon it has a 5 out of 5 rating, so the people buying it are definately happy with it. Since its secular, the author presents the option of using condoms during the fertile phase, but acknowledges that some will refrain from this for religious purposes. If your wife decides to try it out but wants to use some form of birth control during the fertile phase you can point out that since condoms have a failure rate whereas abstaining does not there will be a higher failure rate for those who use contraception for the fertile period rather than simply abstaining. Hope its helpful.

 

[CallMeDad]

You are wise to hesitate in pushing the discussion too forcefully. I would recommend that you access the podcast of the June 13, 2012 Catholic Answers Live radio show featuring Jenn Giroux, a registered nurse. She spent the hour discussing the medical implications of using birth control. It was a very factual and essentially religion-neutral presentation that might appeal to your wife.

I also recall that she addressed a couple of callers with issues relating to irregular periods, and she offered advice in a very reassuring way. She discouraged the concept that women like your wife need chemical regulation of their periods in order to make them manageable. Listening to the broadcast with your wife might be a good conversation starter from a shared ground of interest in her well-being.

 

[underacloud]

You’ve got a number of issues at play here and no easy answer.

Medically: What is best to treat your wife’s condition? As other have posted, a number of opinions can be sought and as much info gathered as possible. If it is the Pill, then that’s entirely legitimate.

Contraception: You should discuss this issue with your priest, with or without your wife. Your wife is not Catholic, so not bound by Church teaching in this manner the way that baptised Catholics are. While it is admirable that you want to protect your wife from this sin, it is arguable that for her it is not any sin at all…you should discuss this with your priest. I would focus more on bringing her closer to God and His Church, rather than worrying about her following the rules the Church sets out…it’s sort of putting the cart befor the horse. Many Catholics struggle with Church teaching on contraception, so it will be harder still for someone who isn’t Catholic to adopt such teaching. In my opinion, most Catholics who accept Church teaching on contraception do so, at least initially, in deference to the teaching authority of the Church. IMO showing her…gradually, kindly…that the Catholic Church is the source of truth should be your focus, rather than adherence to specific rules. Also, as you may or may not be aware, you commit no sin yourself in having sex with your wife, if she is using contraception against your wishes…just in case this was a concern of your’s in wanting your wife to stop.

Family: Both of the above become difficult when you are descerning, together, your call to have children. Do you want your wife to stop using the Pill because it’s not the best medical treatment for her, because it is immoral (for Catholics at least), or because you want to move towards starting a family? You mentioned not being fiscally capable yet, but most people (including me) feel this way until they have their first child and they simply adapt and pray for, and rely on, God’s providence. I get the sense in all this (sorry if I’m wrong) that you’d like to start a family soon? I think being open and honest in discussing this will bring the above considerations into context also.

So, lots to consider and no easy answer. Your doctor and priest can help you work through all these issues more thoroughly.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Wow, this is amazing. I have never before received so many responses and so much good information when looking for help. Thank you all so much.

In regard to all the links, thank you. I will look them over and share them with my wife.

As for some of the questions that were put forth. I believe her last doctor did say that this was the best method for her. It is also good to know that having relations with my wife in this state does not constitute a mortal sin on my behalf. That is a great weight lifted from me.

I would like for her to stop taking the pill because of the immorality as well as the potential side affects. As for starting a family, neither of us feel prepared or capable at this time. I am more keen on the idea of stating one sooner, but we both agree that we do want children eventually. We just want to be able to provide them with the best possible home.

Thank you again for the help.

 

[nordskoven]

Just tell her Social Security is bankrupt and kids are the best social security. Somebody to go get mama her groceries and such. I was gonna say beer…

 

[tijeras]

First of all, way to go you, for caring about the Church’s teaching.

The thing with using the Pill to “treat” her condition is that it’s not actually treating it - it’s masking it.

That’s one of the HUGE benefits of looking into NaPro or FertilityCare: you can find out what the problem actually is. It may be something serious that doctors aren’t catching because they’re just focused on managing pain and regulating the cycle. If her cycle is irregular and she’s in such debilitating pain, it may be the case that there is actually something wrong. Wouldn’t she (and you) rather find out what the actual problem is? I hope you are near enough to a clinic that respects women enough to try to really help your wife rather than line the pockets of the pharmaceutical companies.

Remember: the Pill makes the body work INCORRECTLY, so it’s not actually fixing anything.

Also, i’ll put my two cents in regarding post-partum periods, as I’m sure other women will too: after I had my first child, my cramps were considerably better. My theory is that my uterine muscles were so stretched out they couldn’t cramp as hard any more.Prior, they were bad enough that I had to start taking painkillers a little before my period started so they’d be in my system when the General arrived, and once I almost passed out from the pain. Now, hardly anything really. So maybe she can look forward to the reprieve…

 

[Listener]

I get tired of reading about how the pill just “masks” the problem when a woman has painful periods. Severe pain with your periods is called Primary Dysmenorrhea when there is no cause associated with it. Secondary Dysmenorrhea is when you have severe pain with your periods because of something else, like endometriosis. As a person who has gone through this myself, I can tell you that the pain can be so severe that you wish you could just roll over and die. This problem does not always have an “underlying cause.” Or maybe it does, but medical science has not yet discovered what it is.

Since the pills are being used for a medical purpose, there should be no moral problem. When this lady is ready to have a child, she can simply quit the pill. Yes, it is reasonable to worry about dangerous side effects, but maybe that is preferable to enduring pain that severe.

Sometimes the cure for this problem is uterine ablation or hysterectomy. At least with the pill, you are still capable of having a child.

 

[tijeras]

I get tired of reading about how the pill just “masks” the problem when a woman has painful periods. Severe pain with your periods is called Primary Dysmenorrhea when there is no cause associated with it. Secondary Dysmenorrhea is when you have severe pain with your periods because of something else, like endometriosis. As a person who has gone through this myself, I can tell you that the pain can be so severe that you wish you could just roll over and die. This problem does not always have an “underlying cause.” Or maybe it does, but medical science has not yet discovered what it is.

Since the pills are being used for a medical purpose, there should be no moral problem. When this lady is ready to have a child, she can simply quit the pill. Yes, it is reasonable to worry about dangerous side effects, but maybe that is preferable to enduring pain that severe.

Sometimes the cure for this problem is uterine ablation or hysterectomy. At least with the pill, you are still capable of having a child.

Sorry to have hit a nerve, and sorry for what you’ve had to go through.

Of course I wasn’t implying that diminishing agonizing pain is not important.

Nor was I really commenting on the morality of the situation.

It is not clear in the original post if every avenue of investigation into the cause of the medical problem had been exhausted. If so, and if it’s what you’re describing, then I guess yeah, go ahead and use the Pill, and if the contraceptive aspect is secondary, culpability may be diminished or negated on the part of the Catholic spouse. (For me personally, I would have a heckuva time getting past the abortifacient aspect of the Pill anyway, but that’s another story I suppose).

However, the Pill DOES just mask the problem much of the time, and so it’s reasonable to pass that information on to someone in the situation of the OP. I meant no offense - I thought this forum was for the sharing of information.

I just think that it behooves everyone to thoroughly check into ANY medical condition that they are being told just needs medication. Too often, doctors just resort to pills (of any kind) rather than investigating the cause, or even trying to explain anything to the patient. This may or may not be the case with the original poster - that isn’t addressed in the post.

Furthermore, I think particular caution is called for when the medication is actually designed to make the body work incorrectly, not regain normal functioning.

I think, Listener, that your last sentence in your first paragraph is a good lens into what’s really happening in this arena: Maybe if it weren’t so easy to just put women on the Pill for these problems, maybe if more women demanded other options and additional research into causes, medical science would be closer to identifying currently unknown underlying causes.

 

[underacloud]

However, the Pill DOES just mask the problem much of the time, and so it’s reasonable to pass that information on to someone in the situation of the OP. I meant no offense - I thought this forum was for the sharing of information.

I tend to agree with Listener on this issue. There are many conditions (dysmenorrhea, PCOS, endometriosis, etc) for which the causes are not well understood (if at all) and the Pill is a legitimate treatment…not just a “mask”, but a legitimate treatment, even if there are undersirable consequences (eg temproary infertility).

It is also worth noting that these conditions usually carry long term increased, sometimes dramatically, risks of certain cancers and other health issues. So while the Pill is considered to hold a small increased risk of certain cancers (although some would even debate this), it may well be that these small risks are more than offset by elleviating the risks of the conditions themselves (eg endometrial cancer).

I guess yeah, go ahead and use the Pill, and if the contraceptive aspect is secondary, culpability may be diminished or negated on the part of the Catholic spouse.

You can’t diminish something that is already zero, can you? HV treats this quite clearly…if contraception is a secondary effect of treatment and is unintended, there is no sin at all…the culpability is not merely diminished.

 

[tijeras]

Perhaps I should have said, “In many, many, many, many, many, many cases, the Pill is just masking the problem.” My intent was just to provide the ProdglArchitect with hope that perhaps there are other options, and the knowledge that VERY often doctors prescribe the Pill rather indiscriminately (I mean seriously, they prescribe it to teens to manage acne). Also, since the poster says his wife is open to logical arguments, I thought it prudent to point out that the Pill is different from other medications in that it’s designed to prevent the proper functioning of the body, not to fix anything. When used in situations like ProdglArchitect’s wife, it’s managing symptoms. Maybe that’s all that can be done at this point in time, but maybe that’s not the case for ProdglArchitect’s wife, and certainly if we don’t demand better answers (“symptoms without cause” is a hard diagnosis to swallow), we won’t get better answers, just more Pill.

Undercloud, you are right that in the cases of unintended side effects, there is no culpability. But, in the ProdglArchitect’s original post, he listed, first, that his wife is using it for contraception, and qualifies her claim of needing it for medical reasons with the parenthetical remark “(so she says)”, and says that she is resistant to NFP because she thinks it won’t work. So clearly, the contraceptive effect, in this case, which is the one to which I was responding, is not unintended.

ProdiglArchitect: again, good for you for caring, continue to care about the state of your soul and that of your wife. In order for a sin to be mortal, freedom of will must be present. If you are indeed stuck between a rock and hard place, then I hope you find peace in the decision that’s best for the both of you, made in prayer, with courage, and counsel of a good priest or deacon, or pastoral assistant or someone well formed and with experience. But just make sure you’ve done due diligence, not just for your moral comfort, but to make sure that your wife is actually getting the best care possible.

 

[underacloud]

Perhaps I should have said, “In many, many, many, many, many, many cases, the Pill is just masking the problem.” My intent was just to provide the ProdglArchitect with hope that perhaps there are other options, and the knowledge that VERY often doctors prescribe the Pill rather indiscriminately (I mean seriously, they prescribe it to teens to manage acne). Also, since the poster says his wife is open to logical arguments, I thought it prudent to point out that the Pill is different from other medications in that it’s designed to prevent the proper functioning of the body, not to fix anything. When used in situations like ProdglArchitect’s wife, it’s managing symptoms. Maybe that’s all that can be done at this point in time, but maybe that’s not the case for ProdglArchitect’s wife, and certainly if we don’t demand better answers (“symptoms without cause” is a hard diagnosis to swallow), we won’t get better answers, just more Pill.

As with all serious medical issues, a second opinion can never hurt. I think getting advise from a regular doctor and an NFP trained doctor (if that’s not the regular doctor to begin with) is a good way to get a broader picture of treatment options for the conditions in question.

In my opinion, while some non-NFP doctors too readily prescibe the Pill, some NFP doctors too readily dismiss it (because of the “contraception” issue). In both cases there can be an inherent bias, and the patient has the difficult task of separating such bias from the best medical advice possible…and of course their own potential bias in perhaps wanting a treatment that has a particular secondary effect.

Undercloud, you are right that in the cases of unintended side effects, there is no culpability. But, in the ProdglArchitect’s original post, he listed, first, that his wife is using it for contraception, and qualifies her claim of needing it for medical reasons with the parenthetical remark “(so she says)”, and says that she is resistant to NFP because she thinks it won’t work. So clearly, the contraceptive effect, in this case, which is the one to which I was responding, is not unintended.

Sorry, you are quite right regarding what the OP originally said.

This is one difficult aspect of what HV says:

On the other hand, the Church does not consider at all illicit the use of those therapeutic means necessary to cure bodily diseases, even if a foreseeable impediment to procreation should result there from—provided such impediment is not directly intended for any motive whatsoever.

What does “not directly intended” actually mean? If a woman has a condition that is best treated by the Pill (hypothetically), but perhaps wants the contraceptive effect on some level, is that then bad? Does intend mean “want” in the sense that the secondary effect happens to be convenient, or does intend mean that the action is directed at the end? This is where it can become difficult.