Coping with grandma aging

[victrolatim]

My grandmother is 92 and in a nursing home. Up until a year or so ago her memory was still sharp although she had physical mobility issues. She had a small stroke episode last year and she gets episodes of confusion and sometimes doesn’t recognize who we are. She sleeps a lot now due to medication.

I have a hard time coping with seeing her this way. Granted she’s been in assisted living for 15 years, it’s only within the past year that I look at her and she looks “old” (if that makes any sense). Some nights I cry about it. It’s just the knowledge that I know that the Lord will take her relatively soon and I feel like even if I were to spend every day with her it wouldn’t be enough. Has anyone else ever felt this or have any advice for coping?

 

[1990Domer]

My grandmother is 92 and in a nursing home. Up until a year or so ago her memory was still sharp although she had physical mobility issues. She had a small stroke episode last year and she gets episodes of confusion and sometimes doesn’t recognize who we are. She sleeps a lot now due to medication.

I have a hard time coping with seeing her this way. Granted she’s been in assisted living for 15 years, it’s only within the past year that I look at her and she looks “old” (if that makes any sense). Some nights I cry about it. It’s just the knowledge that I know that the Lord will take her relatively soon and I feel like even if I were to spend every day with her it wouldn’t be enough. Has anyone else ever felt this or have any advice for coping?

God bless you that your grandmother has such a caring grandchild. I cope by writing down all the wonderful memories I had with my loved one when he/she was better. Also, you are carrying her in your heart. I always pray that my loved one will have a peaceful death and that the Lord will welcome him/her with open arms.

 

[Dorothy]

My grandmother is 92 and in a nursing home. Up until a year or so ago her memory was still sharp although she had physical mobility issues. She had a small stroke episode last year and she gets episodes of confusion and sometimes doesn’t recognize who we are. She sleeps a lot now due to medication.

I have a hard time coping with seeing her this way. Granted she’s been in assisted living for 15 years, it’s only within the past year that I look at her and she looks “old” (if that makes any sense). Some nights I cry about it. It’s just the knowledge that I know that the Lord will take her relatively soon and I feel like even if I were to spend every day with her it wouldn’t be enough. Has anyone else ever felt this or have any advice for coping?

You obviously had a good relationship with your grandmother, and appreciated her very much. It is a blessing that she means a lot to you.

I remember my Grandma on my mom’s side very clearly. Although I could not speak the language she spoke, just to look at her gentle manner gave me peace to be around her. I lived far away from her when she died, and did cry thinking of all the happy memories. Now that I am a senior citizen I am very aware that this life is short and that the best is yet to come with our Lord, forever.

Aging is the way that most of us go to Him, and I am okay with it. Our Lord Jesus Christ knows what He is about and is always with us. Following Him with trust makes the thought of what is to come much easier. He created us for life with Him forever.

Knowing that enables me to say goodbye in peace when my mom and dad died.

“Eye has not seen nor ear heard the joys that God has prepared for those who love him.” (sorry, don’t have chapter and verse at my fingertips right now.)

The Lord’s blessings to you,

Dorothy

 

[aicirt]

Be happy for her that she is not suffering. She’s been blessed to have a grandchild who cares for her now and will remember her all of your life. You will pass your memories of her down to your children. Every time I think of my deceased realatives, I pray. Hopefully, this will help them in Purgatory. This is what you shall be doing for her by passing her memory down.

There are many women her age who never wed or never had children. Or whose children are estranged from them. No visits, no prayers.

 

[mamlukman]

Read “Tuesdays with Morrie.”

Spend time asking her about her past (it sounds like she still has spells of coherence) and taking notes. Write up her memories and distribute them to the family. It will keep her “alive” in their memories.

 

[Memaw]

My grandmother is 92 and in a nursing home. Up until a year or so ago her memory was still sharp although she had physical mobility issues. She had a small stroke episode last year and she gets episodes of confusion and sometimes doesn’t recognize who we are. She sleeps a lot now due to medication.

I have a hard time coping with seeing her this way. Granted she’s been in assisted living for 15 years, it’s only within the past year that I look at her and she looks “old” (if that makes any sense). Some nights I cry about it. It’s just the knowledge that I know that the Lord will take her relatively soon and I feel like even if I were to spend every day with her it wouldn’t be enough. Has anyone else ever felt this or have any advice for coping?

Your Grandmother is very fortunate to have a loving Grandaughter(?) like you and I’m sure you are very fortunate to have a loving Grandmother like her. God Bless you both. I agree, write down some of the beautiful memories you have had with her and tell them to your kids and grandkids. She is grateful I’m sure for the time you spend with her and she will cherish it all the more when she gets to Heaven. Make sure a priest visits her often and that she has the Last Sacraments. Say the Divine Mercy chaplet for her while you visit even if she is asleep. Prayers for you both and family. God Bless, Memaw

 

[victrolatim]

Grandson (that’s ok!). My other grandparents passed away in their 60s when I was a young kid. I guess it’s because I am able as an adult to have a relationship with her. Thankfully, she is still in decent health for her age, but I know that being in her 90s that her lifespan is entering it’s twilight and I guess seeing her visibly appearing old just makes it more of a reality. I find myself at times thinking about the hymns we would sing at her funeral Mass etc. I don’t want to think about that stuff but it pops in my head. It hurts more on the days when I go to visit and her memory is foggy where she doesn’t recognize me or thinks that her parents are still around, etc.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are very sweet and devoted. What helped me was to think of the times I was sick and “out of it.” It is hard to be dependent on someone else for everything you need. It is hard to be out of it. It is hard when you don’t feel good and you can’t think straight. What makes it better is to have someone there treating you just the same as when you’re healthy and happy, someone who takes pleasure in you no matter what a mess you are!

I don’t think that need changes when we are in the midst of a decline that is not going to get better. When you’ve lost everything you used to be able to do, and especially when you have lost it permanently, it is all the more important to know you have not lost the people you love and what you are to them. We are still ourselves and we still benefit by being treated as ourselves in spite of having problems that makes us harder to be around. After all, it is harder to be in our shoes, too!

That was meant as an encouragement, not to make you feel guilty. Of course it causes us to suffer and feel loss when we have to witness someone we love suffering and going through a loss. If they are too out of it to comprehend the loss, that doesn’t mean that we are. That is a real source of suffering for us. It takes a lot of energy to keep treating someone as the person she still is when she doesn’t act like that person, look like that person, or seem like that person.

Give yourself credit for how hard this is for you. Allow yourself to grieve for the losses she is suffering, because they are your losses, too. Allow yourself room to recharge after expending the energy that this takes. Allow others around you to take on some of the work of caring for your loved one for you or with you. Allow them to take care of you, too, and if they don’t step up and help you then go and find the help you need actively. You are not an endless source of energy that can keep giving and giving without being replenished yourself.

In retrospect, I think the time of decline was a time when some of the grieving that surrounds losing a love one got done. It is like losing them a little at a time. When the time comes for the final goodbye, sometimes that work turns out to be grieving done in advance. Not always, but it is not uncommon for it to work out that way.

 

[EasterJoy]

There are many women her age who never wed or never had children. Or whose children are estranged from them. No visits, no prayers.

Pray for them, too–both the ones who have died and the ones who are alone.

 

[Irishmom2]

Read “Tuesdays with Morrie.”

Spend time asking her about her past (it sounds like she still has spells of coherence) and taking notes. Write up her memories and distribute them to the family. It will keep her “alive” in their memories.

This is excellent advice. Not only will your grandmother enjoy this, but you will learn something while visiting. Yes, take notes for your family history!