The reason I get upset at communion is the “blood” of Christ, aka, the wine. As a person who had an alcoholic mother and was very hurt by her, I made a vow very early in my life to never drink alcoholic. And under my own power, I have never had any alcoholic drink. I don’t go to bars, or even go to parties where is it there. When I realized it was true wine, I thought I could never be Catholic. I would never drink the blood, due to the fact that it was alcoholic, and that is something that presses upon my mind each mass and RCIA sessions.
Alright, you’re making a few mistakes here. First, the wine, after transubstantiation has occurred, is not true wine (if whoever is teaching you in RCIA says differently, then they are probably malformed in the faith themselves). However, it will still have the accidents, and even the effects, or wine, so it will result in drunkenness in the same way as it will retain the taste of wine. So, if your concern is in the effect, rather than the cause, then you can still avoid it.
Second, Christ’s whole body, all his blood, his soul and his divinity are completely present under every single bit of what was originally bread and what was originally wine. That is to say, while the use of wine is likely chosen by Christ to ‘symbolize’ blood, the transubstantiation itself is profound; under both species one receives the whole Christ (body, blood, soul and divinity).
Third, there’s absolutely no reason to think that you have to celebrate Eucharist by receiving Christ under the second species as well as the first. Problem solved, it seems to me.
Another reason I struggle with RICA, is… [that] I struggle with masturbation. I have read that it is a sinful thing to do as a protestant and a Catholic. My family shuns it terribly, and I have read in the catechism that is a terrible thing to do. Why I do it, I can’t give every answer, but I believe it is because I was sexual assaulted when I was seven. I won’t go into detail about that, but it was very hard and still is to deal with. There are times when the urge to do it is strong and I give in. They are also times with I have to urge and I can conquer it, and also there are times where I dream about it, and I wake up and that area hurts. It is a terrible thing to dream about being raped and there is nothing you can do to stop it. And you wake up and hurt and feel like a disgusting pig because you were so defenseless. Knowing all that, what do I do? When I can control it and give in, that is my decision and I am at fault, but when I can’t control it in my dreams, and I wake up feeling sore, whose fault is that? Have I sinned even though I had no control? I don’t have the answers, and I wonder again if you have anything to say on this?
One’s culpability is a function of one’s ability to do otherwise, and one’s knowledge of the moral wrongness of the act (or lack thereof, in the case of sins of omission). Suppose you dreamt, every night, about murdering your family (a more extreme example); would you really be culpable for that in any relevant sense? No, because you aren’t morally free to do otherwise, nor, in the act, are you properly morally aware of the wrongness of the act. Sanctification can repair this over time (and this is the beauty of sacraments like confession and Eucharist), but this is not something which it is rational to feel
guilt about. Guilt is literally misplaced, in this case.
The same principles apply to conscious masturbation; yet, even in the special case where you might not be fully culpable even here, the Church, in order to highlight the seriousness of the act (and bring people closer to Christ), requires us to bring it to Christ in confession constantly. It is our job to bring this brokenness to him, and to remain on the one hand diligent in our spiritual walk towards Christ, and on the other hand not overly scrupulous (so that our ‘moral nausea’ never paralyzes us in our spiritual journey always towards Christ).
The last thing I want to talk about is one thing I have talked about before, prayer. The more I learn about people that have decided to intensely do prayer and have committed to it, I learn that it is needed to be a fruitful Christian. Why doesn’t that make me what to pray? Because prayer puts God in control of your life, and I struggle with someone else controlling my life. Putting someone in control of your life makes me feel uneasy and fearful. You say but it is GOD!! True, if anyone can make things good, it is God, he can make the impossible possible, he is the alpha and omega, he is the king. I know these things, I also know God also allows Satan to do things. And that fear scares me terribly. Many questions for God that have gone unanswered. That causes fear. Losing my mother, losing my brother, being sexual assaulted, abuse from my mother, being kicked out of my home at 18, my self-harm, my masturbating. All questions that cause many thoughts in my head, and all have been unanswered. I am one that wants an answer for all, if I’m planning a party I want to know how much is in the bank account. I want to know the answer so I have some control over it. That “person” inside of me, that person that isn’t afraid to make decisions, that “person” that is “good” and isn’t afraid to not be in control. Where is that person
You are quite right to be afraid of God in the same way as you might be afraid of a good dentist or a good surgeon. It takes an immense amount of courage to be a saint.
