K
ktp
Guest
Has counseling (marriage or individual) ever helped anyone here?
I have at this point decided not to go back after my experiences, but would like to hear others’ thoughts.
Second Question: Am I in the twilight zone? I have posted before about my husband’s questionable friendships. Over our nearly18 year marriage, he has lied, deceived, and been secretive repeatedly over the years, about money (I’m currently working on paying off a $10K credit card charge when I thought we were living debt free), other women, and issues with his family.
The first counselor pressed him hard about the need to ‘be an open book.’ He swore he would be. He told me with a look of utmost sincerity in his eyes that he and the counselor had talked about this. He promised to forward all personal e-mail from his work account to our joint account. I later found out that, even as he was making that promise, he was still receiving e-mails from this female friend who had been kept secret from me for many years, which he never had any intention of passing on.
There was also an issue of the counselor very pointedly describing to me another of his clients, which has to be against some code of ethics-- who fit to a T a description of another of DH’s female ‘friends’-- and assuring me my ‘radar is good.’ The next week, the counselor denied he was seeing dh’s friend, with the words, "I didn’t think I gave enough identifying information.’
He then went on to suggest that, even in the face of contradictory stories or evidence of deception, I should dismiss dh’s lies as ‘hmm, that’s inexplicable,’ and pretend everything is okay. We never once, in counseling, dealt with dh’s lifetime habit of lying.
With the second counselor, I was told repeatedly that we must only look to the future. No need for dh to understand why his behavior hurt so much or was wrong. No need to apologize sincerely. No need to deal with whatever is driving dh to lie and seek out these ‘friendships.’
We were told first to rebuild the relationship. Fine. I’m doing my best. But after being lied to so many times, no matter how many pleasant dinners and movies we have together, it doesn’t reassure me that the lying is in the past. I asked how I’m supposed to make myself trust someone who has lied to me for at least 14 years of our 19 years together. I asked how is trusting him again after so many lies any different from being…uh… gullible? I asked isn’t trusting again when really, nothing has changed, just refusing to learn from experience? I tried to tell him that I have repeatedly set it all aside and made the decision to trust again, most recently trusting the promises made to me and the last counselor. He cuts me off and tells me I’m living in the past. He doesn’t really answer my questions.
His best answer is that this is the lesson of the cross: that yes, I have been taken advantage of repeatedly, but I need to love him anyway. I need to get over the anger. Yes, that’s true, but I don’t really feel he helped me in any way to deal with the anger or the mistrust or forgiveness. He just said pretty much what I’ve said here, just told me I need to put it all in the past and start new, but gave me no help in doing so. I have certainly tried on my own to do that, including praying, fasting, novenas, rosaries, reading and applying all I can about forgiveness to the best of my ability, focusing on God, detachment, getting on with my own life and interests, the works. I can’t do it on my own!!! That’s why we went to a counselor!
I don’t feel he ever really dealt with my husband’s behaviors that led us to this point. (In fact, on the issue of dh going out for weekly coffee, for years with a woman, and lying to me that he was grocery shopping, the counselor’s assessment was there’s nothing wrong with having coffee with a co-worker! He totally ignored the lying!)
And in the end, he told us last week that he can’t help us anymore, and he very specifically said it’s my fault because I refuse to look to the future and I’m too angry.
He told us we can look for another counselor, whose methods might be more helpful to us, or we can get divorced or we can continue as we are. I am totally disillusioned and have lost any faith in counseling, given these two experiences. I told him I’m not seeing another counselor, individual or marriage.
Is there some reason in these two counselors that I’m missing? Are there counselors out there who will actually ADDRESS a lifetime of lying? Are there counselors who will tell us how to go about rebuilding trust instead of just assuming that THIS time when DH promises to be an open book, he means it?
I have at this point decided not to go back after my experiences, but would like to hear others’ thoughts.
Second Question: Am I in the twilight zone? I have posted before about my husband’s questionable friendships. Over our nearly18 year marriage, he has lied, deceived, and been secretive repeatedly over the years, about money (I’m currently working on paying off a $10K credit card charge when I thought we were living debt free), other women, and issues with his family.
The first counselor pressed him hard about the need to ‘be an open book.’ He swore he would be. He told me with a look of utmost sincerity in his eyes that he and the counselor had talked about this. He promised to forward all personal e-mail from his work account to our joint account. I later found out that, even as he was making that promise, he was still receiving e-mails from this female friend who had been kept secret from me for many years, which he never had any intention of passing on.
There was also an issue of the counselor very pointedly describing to me another of his clients, which has to be against some code of ethics-- who fit to a T a description of another of DH’s female ‘friends’-- and assuring me my ‘radar is good.’ The next week, the counselor denied he was seeing dh’s friend, with the words, "I didn’t think I gave enough identifying information.’
He then went on to suggest that, even in the face of contradictory stories or evidence of deception, I should dismiss dh’s lies as ‘hmm, that’s inexplicable,’ and pretend everything is okay. We never once, in counseling, dealt with dh’s lifetime habit of lying.With the second counselor, I was told repeatedly that we must only look to the future. No need for dh to understand why his behavior hurt so much or was wrong. No need to apologize sincerely. No need to deal with whatever is driving dh to lie and seek out these ‘friendships.’
We were told first to rebuild the relationship. Fine. I’m doing my best. But after being lied to so many times, no matter how many pleasant dinners and movies we have together, it doesn’t reassure me that the lying is in the past. I asked how I’m supposed to make myself trust someone who has lied to me for at least 14 years of our 19 years together. I asked how is trusting him again after so many lies any different from being…uh… gullible? I asked isn’t trusting again when really, nothing has changed, just refusing to learn from experience? I tried to tell him that I have repeatedly set it all aside and made the decision to trust again, most recently trusting the promises made to me and the last counselor. He cuts me off and tells me I’m living in the past. He doesn’t really answer my questions.
His best answer is that this is the lesson of the cross: that yes, I have been taken advantage of repeatedly, but I need to love him anyway. I need to get over the anger. Yes, that’s true, but I don’t really feel he helped me in any way to deal with the anger or the mistrust or forgiveness. He just said pretty much what I’ve said here, just told me I need to put it all in the past and start new, but gave me no help in doing so. I have certainly tried on my own to do that, including praying, fasting, novenas, rosaries, reading and applying all I can about forgiveness to the best of my ability, focusing on God, detachment, getting on with my own life and interests, the works. I can’t do it on my own!!! That’s why we went to a counselor!
I don’t feel he ever really dealt with my husband’s behaviors that led us to this point. (In fact, on the issue of dh going out for weekly coffee, for years with a woman, and lying to me that he was grocery shopping, the counselor’s assessment was there’s nothing wrong with having coffee with a co-worker! He totally ignored the lying!)
And in the end, he told us last week that he can’t help us anymore, and he very specifically said it’s my fault because I refuse to look to the future and I’m too angry.
He told us we can look for another counselor, whose methods might be more helpful to us, or we can get divorced or we can continue as we are. I am totally disillusioned and have lost any faith in counseling, given these two experiences. I told him I’m not seeing another counselor, individual or marriage.
Is there some reason in these two counselors that I’m missing? Are there counselors out there who will actually ADDRESS a lifetime of lying? Are there counselors who will tell us how to go about rebuilding trust instead of just assuming that THIS time when DH promises to be an open book, he means it?
