Counselor or Spiritual Direction?

[holyrood]

I’ll start by saying I’m really struggling to keep emotional balance these days. I have many, many good things in my life, but I also am feeling shell-shocked by other things, by in-laws’ negative behavior, dh’s critical and sometimes threatening behavior, dh’s infidelity on at least the emotional level, his lies and secrecy about women and money, his refusal to work through this. I’m also struggling with some negatives from growing up. Some days I do very well seeing the good in my life, but others, it’s all I can do to fight off negative self images, feelings of worthlessness and depression. I see a pattern looking back in my life of people telling me I’m really awful, when I believe that the worst I have done is finally object to poor behavior.

After Retrouvaille (he kept in touch with 2 women behind my back through that time), 2 marriage counselors (he lied to them), and one individual counselor (said as long as I have no proof of a physical affair, I just need to see the good in him, which, frankly, I’d been doing for many years and is exactly why he got away with it for so long)-- I know I need to just find some help for myself.

What I am struggling with is, every time I sit down to make an appointment with another individual counselor, I feel that I need to focus on God, that maybe I should be seeing a spiritual director. But I’m not sure a spiritual director is really going to help me deal with these specific issues. I’m also a little frustrated because I have spent the last 20 years saying near-daily Rosaries, fasting weekly, trying to follow my faith, going to confession, etc., and I’m struggling with these feelings anyway.

Thoughts, please?

 

[fyrefly]

You sound like you have so much to deal with, and I see that you have tried to help yourself by remaining close to the Lord. I am sincerely impressed because where most of us would have given in to bitterness, you opened yourself to a prayerful life.

Maybe the best thing for you to do is to see both a counselor and a spiritual director. The counselor will help you with the psychological stress, and the spiritual direction will help you focus on God too. I have done that. I also saw a Catholic deacon who happened to be a psychotherapist affiliated with the Catholic Diocese here. Is there Catholic/Christian counseling in your area?

Anyway, thank you for telling your story, and how you are dealing with your problems—it gives me encouragement to offer myself more deeply to God. I also pray you find counseling.

 

[holyrood]

Anyway, thank you for telling your story, and how you are dealing with your problems—it gives me encouragement to offer myself more deeply to God. I also pray you find counseling.

fyrefly, thank you for your positive post. I’m touched and humbled that you would find something encouraging in it. One of the things that helps me is the belief that I can be of some good to others.

I’ve been to two counselors at the Catholic center, highly recommended by priests. They both pretty much ended with suggesting I just look on the bright side and even ‘pretend everything is okay.’ I think that’s maybe good advice in milder situations, but not for infidelity and lies.

 

[fyrefly]

Your welcome

In the case of those counselors telling you to “look on the bright side” and “pretend everything is okay”, I agree that sounds like pretty weak advice. It is difficult receiving that kind of advice because it feels dismissive of your feelings, I bet. Shop around for a less dismissive counselor.

Have you thought of getting counseling with your husband? You think it might work to put your husband on the spot and invite him to counseling with you? Does he realize how deep your wounds are, how hard it is to build the trust again between the two of you again? He should be willing to meet you on this issue, instead of your coping alone. For you to begin trusting him again, he must change some of his ways too. I hope he is sensitive to your feelings.

 

[fyrefly]

I read that you HAVE tried counseling with your husband—sorry I missed that. I will keep you in my prayers, and hope that he will go with you still yet again. I hope he will be honest this time, if you go with him. God bless your life and marriage, and may it be guided by His Will.