Creature/the Monster that Lays Beneath

[BoyGenius]

I am going to write this on the surface, that during Confession, sometimes when I am digging up all the garbage of my sins to reveal. The hurt and woundedness done, I’ve done to others. And the temptations which I sought and fell for. There’s a moment where those sins try to rob me of confessing them. To diminish my resolve to confess them. I am broke, wounded, and hurting inside. And those sins cover it up. And try to offer pleasure to a broken wounded soul, thereby making it hard to confess. So it’s difficult.

There, then is where the Monster/Creature which lays beneath, in the shadow of my heart. In a dark, dank cave in my soul, in my heart. Deep in my heart. Habitual practices of sin, especially of the flesh, have conformed my heart to sin. Cleverly committing them in the guile likeness of the snake. Well, in truth, I have made the conviction so strong because at the time, what I wanted sounded good. And the pleasures of them, and their promises seem my sins were inescapable. And therefore, since they were inescapable. I had to make the best out of them. And that is the deceit. There’s no fulfillment of anything. But sin, unhappiness, and a disorder.

 

[BoyGenius]

To continue…

Okay, so, let me address the particular problem of my sins. Having come from an abusive and traumatic childhood. There’s where the problem stems. A void, and woundedness. A mother who took advantage of depriving me (and siblings) of a father through divorce. And the paralysis/trauma it created upon me. She opened the door to seek haven in her relationship. But that is where the problem occurred. She dragged us into the territory of the criminal/abusive exploits of children. A corrupt entity that we had to live through. I had tried to escape her several times in my life. As young as 5 or so, I tried running away. She was abusive. I pray for her though. And I have mercy. However, to this day, I reflect. It was dangerous. Anyways. fast forward to my current state.

I had later fallen into gay porn. That then entailed looking for guys online. And hooking up. It’s dangerous. What’s worse, is you become concupiscently addicted. In your bruised and broken heart. You try to find solace in those sins and addictions you suddenly become trapped in. And try to fit love in places that love cannot exist.

Thus, thanks to the Church, and to Christ Himself, and Our Lady. Who spilt His blood through the Cross, showed what real love is. The identity of His Mother at the foot of His Cross. A Holy Family. Devotion, love, and mercy. And the Truth, Who is Christ Himself. He did not lend to the mastery of evil and sin, but stood against it. And hence why He was accused by both Pharisee and Sadducee.

I tell this as those temptations try to tug and pull me not into the fulfillment of love, but sex. In truth, I like girls, I want to get married one day and have children. However, the struggle of being sabotaged/jeopardized by abuse/trauma, and then later falling into porn, and the sin of acting on it. And thereby lust/sex masquerading as love/friendship. Just as the devil masquerades as an angel of light!

The devil actually hates the body. He hates the resemblance of the image and likeness of God. The devil believes the body is week and horrible. The devil thus will have people fall into sexual immorality to tempt souls this, because he hates the body. It is with arrogance and pride the devil works.

And so that is how it ties. The devil is the father of lies; he is the father heresies and heretics. And so today the secular heresies that engender gender dysphoria as normal, euthanasia, eugenics, and gay or whatever sexuality outside the terms of Traditional Marriage between a man and woman for the procreation that children exist. The devil works in those. The evil one has succeeded in making thrones out of men/women’s hearts for sin to exist, and to make hell on earth. And the body gives in.

And so, that creature: the beast, the harlot, the devil, and the antichrist lays at the bottom of our hearts wanting to be awakened/impress us to accept and do evil. Confession is a good battle ground to beat him, and his works. Never neglect that Sacrament. It’s our recovery to Christ through our Baptism. Never doubt. Never disbelieve.

 

[brian_custer]

i read every word of your essay

you answered your own question in the last sentences of your post

just hang in there in here, shipmate; CAF got your back

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

I’m so sorry you have been through all that. You write about your pain so vividly. Writing is definitely one of your gifts.