Cremains Quandary

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Rooted2Bfruited

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I have my dad’s cremains in a box with a wooden crucifix on top of it in the glass hutch in our living room next to my wife’s grandmother’s bible.
I cannot have a funeral Mass or properly bury his remains following the Catholic Catechism because it would go against my dad’s expressed wishes- No funeral, No burial. I tried to explain to my mom that spreading his ashes would go against the Catholic burial practices but, she just does not get it/understand (cognitive inflexibility). I tried to pursist but, stopped as she started to become distressed. I put her at ease by coming up with an idea of what to do with his cremains. They spent their honeymoon at The Cross in the Woods National Shrine in Indian River, Michigan. I told her, maybe I can find a place there to spread his cremains. She liked that idea because she said he loved trees and wanted to have his cremains spread somewhere with a lot of trees. I do not intend to actually do it/follow through. I know that the idea I told her is not a real option. I am not trying to deceive her, I came up with the idea on the fly when she was distressed as a sincere and thoughtful idea. Immediately after I said it and thought about it, I knew there was no way I could actually do it and remain in good conscious.
We discussed the issues of no funeral, no burial, and his cremains in our home with our parish priest and he said it is not the ideal situation to keep his cremains at home and instructed us to not spread his ashes or make keepsakes with them. He also offered a Sunday Mass for him. I was very happy and thankful for the Mass and it helped me (and my wife and kids) have a little closure.
I still struggle with not having my father laid to rest in consecrated ground and the potential for future conflict with my family (my mom, sisters, and brother) if in the future they return to the topic and push to spread his ashes.
So, is it okay for me to keep his cremains in a respectful place in my home indefinately?
 
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Was your father a Catholic? Did he have a Catholic funeral? If had had ceased to be a practising Catholic and if he clearly did not want a Catholic funeral then I’m not sure that your religious beliefs or those of your priest come into it. Just because his body was cremated does not mean you cannot have a burial. You bury the ashes. Where I come from this is sometimes done in someone else’s grave. You just busy the whole box and the internal container. Usually the cemetery will have a charge and want to record the burial. Ashes don’t ‘need’ to be scattered. And don’t put them on roses in any case. One of our local public gardens has terrible problems with rose lovers remains being scattered and destroying the ph of the soil. I personally (as an unbeliever) prefer the remains of dead people to be placed away from where we the living do everyday things so don’t like them blowing about in scenic sports. But I am sure you will get a lot of good advice from the Catholics of CAF.
 
Catholics generally inter cremains in an above-ground, blessed columbarium at a Catholic cemetery. They do not go in the ground. I don’t know if this helps but I wasn’t sure if your dad’s objection to burial meant he just didn’t want to be underground. If your mom is also planning to be cremated, you could get a columbarium space with room for both of them.
 
We purchased a pedestal with an open bible that can have an inscription carved into it for my in-laws. The cremains will be put into the pedestal and it will sit in the corner of the plot my wife and I have purchased for ourselves. It’s not a Catholic cemetery, but a cemetery just down the street from our parish. The Archdiocese sold off the Catholic cemeteries and they’re not very close. The Veterans cemetery is also more than an hour away.
 
No, it is not that he didn’t want to go underground.
He did not want to spend any money on a gravesite. He wanted to leave as much money as he could to my mom, my brother and sisters, and our kids. My mom wants the same- to just be cremated. My family is so uninformed, my sister and mom wre suprised when the funeral home called my sister to come pick-up his cremains. They sad they just thought the funeral home would “take care of it all”. I don’t understand their thought process. Why do they think they had to pick a container (which is the cheapest, biodegradable cardboard box available)?
 
As long as your mom is alive, if she and your dad were married at the time of his death, they should be her’s to deal with. I am not sure why you are housing them in your home if you are opposed to doing so. Does your Mom live with you?

Once Mom dies, the ashes would (presumably) be passed on to her survivor(s). At that point, you can decide what to do with them. If you have siblings, you will have to come to an agreement on where the ashes will reside or how they will be preserved.

Truthfully, I believe in honoring the request of your Dad. I realize the Church doesn’t necessarily agree with me on that. Once you inheret the ashes, have a Catholic burial if that is what you feel you need to do.

Try not to be harsh when dealing with disagreements among family members on how to deal with this issue. It is very common to not agree on this, as every one has their own outlook on it. Catholics have a very prescriptive direction on how to deal with death and funerals. Others are more free-spirited in the way they approach it. It is not worth fighting over, or someone being distressed by it.
 
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FiveLinden said:
Was your father a Catholic? Did he have a Catholic funeral? If had had ceased to be a practising Catholic and if he clearly did not want a Catholic funeral then I’m not sure that your religious beliefs or those of your priest come into it.
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He was a Catholic. He had no problem with the Catholic beliefs that I am aware of. He was not a practicing Catholic for a very long time. My parents started to go to Mass on occassion over the past couple of years because of my influence (and prayers).
A couple years ago, I got my dad to go to a Catholic healing mini-conference which concluded with a healing service with the Blessed Sacrament exposed/Adoration. He actively participated in the conference but, I don’t think it was a massive re-version experience or anything for him.
Since my dad died, my mom has expressed that she wants to return to being a practicing Catholic (she converted to Catholicism when my parents got married). She even went to confession recently so she could worthily recieve the Eucharist. Her main barrier is that she does not drive anymore so it is hard for her to get to Mass. She has started praying the Holy Rosary every night before bed.
Maybe by becoming more involved in practicing the Catholic faith, she may come to a better understanding of why Catholics follow certain funeral/burial practices.
 
Right now my husbands cremains are at the Church, waiting until we can bury him back home.

There is no requirement by the Church that you place this box in a cemetery, and a priest can bless any piece of land. Check the laws in your area. Here, we can go to a friend’s property who has a lot of trees, dig a small space with a shovel and inter his ashes under any tree. The priest will say the blessings and it is done.

Here is one peoblem keeping ashes at home.

A couple of years ago, our car was stolen out of our driveway. The criminals has been on a spree of home robberies, they had assaulted and seriously injured some people. Our car ended in a high speed chase that smashed into a wall.

When we were finally allowed to go to the impound yard to to get any personal items from the car, in the trunk was a cardboard box of human cremains. It had a name and date attached to the outside. It is likely this was stolen, thinking something heavy was worth stealing.

Don’t leave you father there where such disrespect could happen. If your mother is adamant, place them in a safe deposit box at your bank until proper arrangements can be made.
 
Remind your mother that her parish charges nothing for a funeral mass.
 
Perhaps you can defer this issue until your mother passes and then you can get them both a nice columbarium space. If you pay for this with your own money, it is your choice and your expenditure and you would not be disrespecting your parents.
 
JMMJ said:
As long as your mom is alive, if she and your dad were married at the time of his death, they should be her’s to deal with. I am not sure why you are housing them in your home if you are opposed to doing
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I volunteered to take possession of my dad’s cremains. I knew if my mom, sisters, or brother had them, they would end up spreading them willy-nilly in a forest somewhere. I am not opposed to having his cremains in my home. At times, I feel like I am in a sort of limbo by respecting my dad’s wishes which are contray to my (Catholic) faith. I feel a lack of closure without having a funeral and internment. I am not letting it upset me, I just wondered if anyone had a different solution or ideas.
My siblings are selfish and greedy and have stated they don’t believe in organized religion. They have such a disconnect, none of them Actively resisted allowing me to take possession of my dad’s cremains knowing that I intended to have them interned according to my (Catholic) beliefs. My brother did repeat my father’s wishes when I picked up my dad’s cremains from him (he brought them from my sisters’/mom’s city to the city we live in). But, my brother also wanted to attend if there was a service and wanted to be informed where he was interned once it happened.
I did not follow through with my plan to avoid distressing my mom and to avoid potentailly causing problems with my brother and sisters.
IF my mom changes her mind about her end of life plan (current plan= cremation and spreading), I think she would want to have the same procedure followed for my dad’s cremains. If she dies with her current wishes, I will try to not intervene like I did with my dad.
 
Rooted2Bfruited said:
IF my mom changes her mind about her end of life plan
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Perhaps if your mom continues her return to Catholicism, she will be more open to doing what the Church teaches. Gently explain, or have her priest explain to her why cremains are not to be spread, and maybe she will change her mind. Then you can bury (as some states allow) or place (both parents, when the time comes) in a columbarium space. She may like the idea of her and your father being together.
 
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Well that is all very complicated.

I guess the best advice I can give is don’t let the wish for control, or difference in religious beliefs (or lack there of) get in the way of family relations. It is rarely worth it. I would give the cremains back to your Mom for now. I like the idea of the other poster that when Mom dies, you can have both her and dad’s remains put in a columbarium (assuming you are willing to pay the expense if your siblings won’t).
 
TheLittleLady said:
Here is one peoblem keeping ashes at home
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Oh my!
Yes, the security of his cremains are a concern. I am not worried about it though. I am letting that concern rest in faith. Something awful could happen to them in a cemetery.
 
JMMJ said:
I would give the cremains back to your Mom for now.
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I asked if she wanted them and my mom stated she does not want them. If I did give them to her, I am pretty certain she would become very anxious and distressed. Most likely she would act on her emotions and spread them. If I continue to hold onto them, there is less chance my mom or family will do something (non-Catholic) with them.
I am waiting and praying for a change in my mom’s heart.
 
Well it sounds like it is causing you some distress, too (?). I would either put them in a safety deposit box, fireproof safe, or where ever for safe keeping (and so you don’t have to look at them all the time) until a decision can be made.
 
Yes, I think that keeping them in the glass hutch might not be the best place. I think that keeping them on a small table in your bedroom might be better because it is not a public space where his remains are on “display.” You can see them in your room, but it may not distress you and your family as much.

If it a choice between waiting for your mom and holding on to your dad’s cremains for a bit and your mom or siblings spreading your dad’s cremains, I think the more respectful choice is to hold onto them yourself.
 
JMMJ said:
and so you don’t have to look at them all the time
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It is not a bad thing to see his cremains box all the time. I actually find it mostly peaceful. It is a good reminder to pray for his soul.
As I stated above, I do not feel the need to worry needlessly about keeping his remains secure. If my own home is not secure enough as a temporary resting place, so be it.
 
Charitably the parish priest already told you it is NOT ideal.
I empathize with your situation but church law is very clear
remains MUST be interred in holy ground, interred within a
mausoleum. Is there a family plot somewhere (even if
already full)? If so, I’d like to think if I was in your situation
when there is no discussion around it; I’d ask about what it
would cost to bury the cremains there. Often times
cemeteries which permit cremains to be buried in a “full”
burial plot then in the future if your mom asks just say
a found a place for dad, and leave it at that.
 
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