Curfew and grounding for a 19 year old

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Agree with the wisdom above.

Perhaps not a curfew but set up some ground rules based on civility and respect.

I am in my 50s. When I visit my parents, there are times when I will want to catch up with old friends, chatting into the wee hours. As a matter of courtesy I let my folks know that I will be out very late. This way, when they hear the front door open at 2 AM they are not alarmed.

“Let’s agree that if you are going to come in after midnight you send a text” would be reasonable.
 
I hear everyone saying that a 19 year old is an adult and therefore cannot have a curfew. And that works well for some 19 year olds.

It is odd to me that a 19 year old that everyone considers an adult, lives rent free, has his college paid for by his parents, has a job that presumably only pays for gas for the car and a phone bill, should have the freedom to stay out as late as he wishes without his parents knowing where he is, who he is with, what he is doing, or when he will get home. And all he has to do is go to mass and not use profanity or otherwise he should move out? 🤔

So, this underage adult would be free to secretly drink alcohol, and as long as the police don’t catch him driving, everyone is okay with him slipping back into the house and going to bed at 2am, and the parents know nothing of this.

I am having a little trouble understanding what the parents should be doing. People say he is an adult, but he is behaving like a spoiled child. If the parents aren’t happy with what’s going on, they are told he is an adult and can do what he wants.

Yes, if he was living at school, he would be doing whatever he wants. But he is not at school, he is in his parents house and needs to respect them by letting them know what he is doing and not having a secret life.

If I was threatened by my son that he would move out because he didn’t like the family rules, I would offer to help him pack.
 
The OP said that his son offered to move out! His wife was the one that insisted that the son stay. Could you imagine renting a room to a young adult, then placing a curfew of 10PM on him/her?

If you actually find it an inconvenience, you could require that your son (any adult living in your home, for that matter) not come home after a certain hour? But, then, you are his parents.

I concede…it’s a complex situation. But, forcing a grown man to behave like a child is unrealistic!
 
I moved out of my parents’ home when I was 17 and our relationship was at the lowest point it’s ever been. Their house, their rules. They never once had a formal curfew, but my siblings and I were expected to not abuse that, and if we should happen to stumble home one night at 3am, we were talked to about that. It was part of growing up that adult behavior was expected of us more and more over time with the idea of becoming fully independent and responsible tax paying adults. We had long talks later on in which they essentially said that just as children can live up to expectations when growing up, they can also live down to them, depending on what those expectations are. So the OP had expressed his low expectations for his son’s behavior and is attempting to control for that. I can tell you that would not have helped my relationship with my parents one iota, would have driven me even further away from them. They were smart, they picked their battles with us on purpose. Things they harped on, things they let go.

If the son moves out, the parents can still pay for his education, and that should definitely be conditioned on his grades and his progress, as mine was. College is expensive enough as it is without the burden of supporting a slacker with a major that won’t pay his bills post-college.
 
To put that into perspective, the high school job I got when I was 15 didn’t close until 10PM. My brother played hockey and he had games that didn’t end by then and practices that didn’t start by then. If the OP’s son went to the symphony, he couldn’t be home by 10PM. If he went to a Christian music concert, he wouldn’t be back by 10PM. If he went to see fireworks on the 4th of July, he couldn’t be back by 10PM. The public library has an observatory that remains open until 11PM on certain days for students. 10PM was the time my parents called us in from catching fireflies and playing flashlight tag. The OP is imposing a 5th grader’s curfew on his grown son. If their son was going to even attempt to meet this ridiculous standard, he would not be able to go many places or do many of the things that young adults are supposed to be doing for their own education and development. It would seriously hinder his ability to seek employment, to study in groups with other students, to engage in perfectly normal socialization, to enjoy the arts and athletics, or even to participate in parish activities!
 
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I’m with many others on this thread–10:00 p.m. is ridiculous. My daughters had a midnight curfew in high school once they got their drivers’ licenses.

Someone mentioned that people sometimes start dating their future spouse at age 19. My daughter started dating her future spouse at age 14!! And my husband and I started dating at age 15!

They might be having sex. Or…they might be having long serious discussions about difficult life issues, God, politics, the world, etc. That’s why my husband and I did when we were dating. Don’t assume the worse.
 
I think I’d also want to know more about the vague plans. “Studying with friends” doesn’t really sound like a vague plan to me. Spending a lot of time with a girlfriend doesn’t sound terribly alarming in a 19 year old to me either - I know more than one couple who could have been described that way who are now happily married.

I remember one thing that frustrated me very much as a teen or young adult, was being treated as suspect because “kids my age” did this or that. Not that I had done this or that. I’m not hearing anything specifically that this young man is doing wrong, other than staying out til 3am once.

@ConcernedParent1, it might be useful to know what specifically you’re worried about your son doing.
 
Cruciferi said:
Tell him to follow your rules or get out. He’s an adult but it’s your house 🏡
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THIS.
You cannot ground an adult.
However, “My House - My Rules” is appropriate.

I know my husband and I abided by our parents’ house rules when we lived with them between ages 18 and our early 20s so that we could finish college and in his case, find work. When we wished to be more independent, stay out all night, and not have our parents involved in our romantic lives, we did the adult thing and moved out.
 
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We explained to our children that if you live with us as a child then you live by a child’s rule (as appropriate for their age). When they pay the mortgage they can make the rules. If it’s untenable then they can move. If I were you I’d help him pack. Maybe he’ll appreciate mom and dad when he has to stand on his own two feet.

Also, I would not live with anyone who is cagey about where they are, especially at odd hours. That’s odd behavior even if it’s just a roommate.

Hope all goes well for you and your family.
 
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