Dad and stepmom trouble

[journey137]

Before I get started, I’m 23, married, and have an almost 3 month old baby so I’m not at home while this is going on. My dad and stepmom have been having some trouble in their relationship. They got married about a year after my mom died, and dad was a different person then. He was still grieving and trying to live each day as though it were his last. He bought things he needed (a new truck), he went out to eat, he acted so different that I didn’t know him anymore. She fell in love with that man. They’ve been married for two years and dated only a few months before they married. It’s almost all about money and dad is back to his old ways. He doesn’t communicate and when he does, he’s rude about it. He gets loud, obnoxious, always thinks he’s right, and he can be downright hurtful when he’s “communicating” - and that’s coming from his daughter that loves him very much but has many bad memories of him “communicating” while growing up. She’s got a fiery temper and is quick to mouth stinging and hurtful comments when she feels she has been wronged. She’s bad with money, he’s a tightwad like none other. He’s trying to get me on his side, or at least that’s how I’m taking it, and I resent that. Quite frankly, when these troubles started to surface, I only half jokingly asked my husband if they got divorced, could we keep her instead of him My husband and I limit contact with him because he’s toxic to me (I can’t count the number of times I’ve cried because of things he’s said and my husband would cut contact if it were up to him, but I don’t want to do that because he’s not all bad). Anyway, I digress… basically he told her that if she doesn’t watch what she’s saying (i.e. be more respectful towards him and not disagree when he’s right) she needs to find another place to live (he bought the house they are living in right now after they were married but since they never put finances together it’s his and she has no claim to it). I’m sure she’s got more problems than I put in this post, but I don’t know her as well as I know dad, and from what I’ve seen of their relationship, they both disrespect eachother. Dad holds anger in and keeps a grudge forever; she blows up quick and calms down quick and it’s over. I suggested counseling by an impartial 3rd party and dad told me that with all of his experience (this is his 3rd marriage) and her training (she’s a nurse practitioner not a marriage counselor) if they can’t figure it out by themselves, it can’t be figured out. I doubt he’ll even mention it to her. At least he did say that he’s willing to compromise and work things out if she is, but I sadly do not believe him.

Most of that was just me needing to vent, but I really want to call my stepmom and tell her that she may not be my mom, but she’s the closest thing I’ve got right now and I don’t want to lose her. Losing my mom was hard enough, I don’t want to go through that again… advice for anything I can do/say to them or a quick prayer for their marriage would be appreciated.

 

[shajek74]

First of all, I am sorry things are going the way they are. Even if you don’t live with them it seems like you still feel like you are stuck in the middle and that is a hard place to be. They need to see a good priest or Catholic marriage counselor to help them work things out. My heart hurts for you because I have a step-daughter but I certainly don’t call her that nor does she look at me as her step-mother. She is my daughter, period. She has been in my life for seven years and I have been the one that has mothered her. I would hate to live without her and I am sure my daughter feels the same way. You have dealt with a big loss already and I understand that you don’t want to deal with another. Continue to pray for their marriage and have a heart to heart with both of them present and let them know how important they are to you. See if you can get them to visit their priest and get some direction. It is very possible that your father is grieving and she is feeling lonely. My prayers are with you.

 

[journey137]

Thanks for the prayers. I do feel stuck in the middle and also guilty for preferring the step parent to the bio parent (it was drilled into my head from a very young age that blood family was the most important thing and that thought pattern is very difficult to break). I should add that they are baptists not Catholics. He “found religion” and got saved not too long ago in the church she’s gone to for a very long time.