You’re right. Me trying to find time away from him by joining activities and orgs makes him upset and threatens me he can’t overcome his alcohol addiction coz he’ll be bored. He does have friends but more like his drinking buddies.Ahhhh… more of a reason to fear the affect of your leaving? Still not a reason for you to stay. And he needs a non-destructive hobby. I had to give up my hobbies when my wife left me She only moved a few miles away but the kids (11, 13 and 18) stayed with me.
But I feel kind of isolated because I’m so busy with the kids and know I need to build a social circle as they get older and leave. (most of our friends were through the ex) Its why I suspect your dad may be in the same position- it will be hard to get off alcohol because its a center in his life. Nice if he could replace it with something he enjoys that’s not compatible with drinking- like SCUBA or skydiving. And friends he can relate to and talk to…
I do the driving now that I can drive. But before, he used to drive, pick me up from work, etc even if he’s drunk.If he is an alcoholic and he makes you go everywhere with him, I certainly hope you are the one who is driving - NEVER get in his car if he is drinking and driving!!
You must move out.
I am married to a recovered alcoholic. Your father will not stay an alcoholic because he’s bored or over come alcoholism because he’s not bored.He will over come alcoholism when he takes responsibility for his disease and does something about it. You can not fix it, make it better or be responsible for is alcoholism. You need to move out. Catering to him does nothing to help him and everything to hurt yourself. Find an al-anon support group. Its free and you will find many who understand.You’re right. Me trying to find time away from him by joining activities and orgs makes him upset and threatens me he can’t overcome his alcohol addiction coz he’ll be bored. He does have friends but more like his drinking buddies.
I will defer to rayne as my experience with drug/alcohol addiction has not been as direct. Friends and relatives vice a spouse. However, I have seen several where their social circles consisted almost solely of drinking/drug buddies. Part of them taking responsibility for their addiction was realizing they had to get away from that influence. A couple focused on new activities (endurance running in one case) to help fight that temptation to maintain associations out of a need for companionship that were unhealthy for them.I am married to a recovered alcoholic. Your father will not stay an alcoholic because he’s bored or over come alcoholism because he’s not bored.He will over come alcoholism when he takes responsibility for his disease and does something about it. You can not fix it, make it better or be responsible for is alcoholism. You need to move out. Catering to him does nothing to help him and everything to hurt yourself. Find an al-anon support group. Its free and you will find many who understand.
I still see this as a way of controlling you. Just like that, you say you are leaving and he is suddenly going to let you do as you please? I am not buying it. I think he is just saying anything to get you to not move out. You will not be independent with him living downstairs, by the way. You will be independent when you move out and live on your own and live your life without being under the watchful eyes of your father. May God bless you and guide you.I finally told dad yesterday my desire to move out to be independent. Then he said I don’t have to move out, he’ll just live downstairs so I can be independent. I told him it’s not just that, it’s about me making my own decisions, me being free… like me being able to see mom if I want to. **Then he said he won’t get angry anymore if I see mom. **
This morning, he told me he wasn’t able to sleep last night just thinking about me moving out. He was being emotional about me leaving him. **He told me he’ll give me the freedom that **I want, I don’t have to leave. I didn’t say anything. In my mind, I was telling myself “I’ll think about it”.
All you are doing is enabling your father. Get out as quickly as you can. Forget the “culture” - this is a culture from the 19th century!!Thanks all for your advices. After much thought, I decided to give it another try. So far so good. If things doesn’t work out, then it would be time to leave… at least physically.