D
dan1el
Guest
In a recent post, I said I was looking to find a spiritual director in my area - I need one terribly. In the past few years, my walk with Christ was not too good, and because of it, I could not hold a steady job - I would be mentally arguing with myself, what I was doing, why I was doing it, condemning myself for not doing this or that, etc., I was completely lost, but now I feel so much peace having made a sort of decision in my heart to “rejoin” (I recently learned that if you’re baptized as a baby into the church, you are considered a member) the church…
My question is: I have pressing needs for money. I went to school to be educated in culinary arts - something I wish I never did - and now I owe alot of money, and some of those loans are defaulting now. On top of that, I’d gotten a motorcycle that I couldn’t pay for, for the same reason, and I owe on the remainder of it. We’re talking 60,000+ altogether, so it is IMPERATIVE that I get a job. However, I do not feel strong enough, spiritually speaking, to get a job. I continually feel condemned and uncertain about what to do, sometimes I feel uncertain about my salvation (but this is still a 1,000% better condition than I was before). The question is “am I dependable?”, and since I feel that I have been undependable (unfaithful) to God, this unfaithfulness reaches to everything in m life… “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways, let not this man think he will receive anything from God” … everything has basically fallen apart in my life - to the point now where I am willing to do things that I wasn’t willing to do before (like rejoin the Catholic Church) as I see certain helps are very necessary.
Many times I do not feel at peace inside myself, I feel like I am being unloving to God when I go throughout my day without praising and worshiping Him ---- but I do not do these things because I feel like I do not know exactly what He wants me to do, and so I feel like "how can I worship Him if I am not worshiping Him with my lifestyle? I am afraid of my personal faith (because it could be right or wrong, I don’t know) because I start feeling like and thinking about doing all these works (that I used to do, kind of like picking up where I left off) like preaching on the corner of the street, evangelizing to people on the street, evangelizing to homeless, etc, just the best I could do, and yet I lack that fundamental “connection” with God, because the things I’ve been through over the years have basically paralyzed my faith and I feel like I need some help to get it “back into shape” before I am ready to walk on my faith “legs” again - and I do not want to apply pressure to my “broken legs” because I am afraid they will break again - and I hate breaking my integrity before God, though the “thrill” of doing those works has many times caused me to overlook (throwing caution to the wind, unwisely) the very real reality that I, many times, did not, again, have the inner integrity, mental strength, or spiritual connection, to undertake those things I once did - and yet I beat myself up for not doing those “good works”.
Obviously, I need HELP to work through these very real issues, and I am afraid to get a job until I have worked through them, because I feel I will probably end up quitting again or get fired, and I will lack peace the entire time.
I’m kind of in “limbo” – I’m not necessarily worshipping God with all my being (at my house), and I’m neither taking care of my physical life, either. I am being honest because I want deliverance from this situation.
I wanted to live a consecrated life in the past, and would like to again, but now I have this debt, and I am praying to God for a resolution to it, but if I could, I would most likely go ahead with a consecrated life vocation, if God willed.
I just want to focus on God and be perfect before Him, and understand what God wants.
My question is: I have pressing needs for money. I went to school to be educated in culinary arts - something I wish I never did - and now I owe alot of money, and some of those loans are defaulting now. On top of that, I’d gotten a motorcycle that I couldn’t pay for, for the same reason, and I owe on the remainder of it. We’re talking 60,000+ altogether, so it is IMPERATIVE that I get a job. However, I do not feel strong enough, spiritually speaking, to get a job. I continually feel condemned and uncertain about what to do, sometimes I feel uncertain about my salvation (but this is still a 1,000% better condition than I was before). The question is “am I dependable?”, and since I feel that I have been undependable (unfaithful) to God, this unfaithfulness reaches to everything in m life… “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways, let not this man think he will receive anything from God” … everything has basically fallen apart in my life - to the point now where I am willing to do things that I wasn’t willing to do before (like rejoin the Catholic Church) as I see certain helps are very necessary.
Many times I do not feel at peace inside myself, I feel like I am being unloving to God when I go throughout my day without praising and worshiping Him ---- but I do not do these things because I feel like I do not know exactly what He wants me to do, and so I feel like "how can I worship Him if I am not worshiping Him with my lifestyle? I am afraid of my personal faith (because it could be right or wrong, I don’t know) because I start feeling like and thinking about doing all these works (that I used to do, kind of like picking up where I left off) like preaching on the corner of the street, evangelizing to people on the street, evangelizing to homeless, etc, just the best I could do, and yet I lack that fundamental “connection” with God, because the things I’ve been through over the years have basically paralyzed my faith and I feel like I need some help to get it “back into shape” before I am ready to walk on my faith “legs” again - and I do not want to apply pressure to my “broken legs” because I am afraid they will break again - and I hate breaking my integrity before God, though the “thrill” of doing those works has many times caused me to overlook (throwing caution to the wind, unwisely) the very real reality that I, many times, did not, again, have the inner integrity, mental strength, or spiritual connection, to undertake those things I once did - and yet I beat myself up for not doing those “good works”.
Obviously, I need HELP to work through these very real issues, and I am afraid to get a job until I have worked through them, because I feel I will probably end up quitting again or get fired, and I will lack peace the entire time.
I’m kind of in “limbo” – I’m not necessarily worshipping God with all my being (at my house), and I’m neither taking care of my physical life, either. I am being honest because I want deliverance from this situation.
I wanted to live a consecrated life in the past, and would like to again, but now I have this debt, and I am praying to God for a resolution to it, but if I could, I would most likely go ahead with a consecrated life vocation, if God willed.
I just want to focus on God and be perfect before Him, and understand what God wants.
