Dancing With Someone Who Doesn't Move

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Lukelion

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I am looking for advice. I have been married for 10 years. I am the only daughter-in-law.
Dealing with any one of my five SIL or my MIL is just like dancing with someone who doesn’t move. Passive resistance.
They talk to each other once a week, but don’t ever call us. They are pleasant enough if I contact them, but they will never initiate a discussion. They do not treat my husband (their brother) much better, although they do call him (at work) for his birthday once a year.
At a family gathering, all the women sit together and the whole conversation goes over my head. I sit there playing catch-up, because they have discussed these things amongst themselves and I have NO idea what they are talking about.
We find out about special events usually just days or hours before the big event (i.e. who is hosting Christmas; I hate surprises!). I had tried maintaining fairly regular contact, so conversations will go easier for all involved, but that didn’t fly.
This wouldn’t bother me as much if they all weren’t practising Catholics.
I feel like such an outsider. I am tired of their bad behaviour and uncomfortable around them. This is not looking hopeful. Any advice, prayers,or encouragement?
Thanks,
Lukelion
 
don’t worry yourself about the “old biddies”,talk to your hubby @ the situation & when forced to be in thier presence- take a good book to read (like the catechism or BIBLE).

ignoring their attitude (& thier coversations) a little might have a BIG effect & if not–well,that’s life

all of this, coming from a fellow whose whole family does the same
 
My dad (parents are divorced) does the same thing- calling at the last minute to let me know what’s going on. I am “busy” when he does this. It is a sign of great disrespect (I also have 4 small kids). This has led to my aunts sending me invitations, etc instead of using the “family grapevine”. I would recommend trying this, and calling someone ahead of time for holidays to check the arrangements, insteas of waiting around, feeling left out.

Either they want your company, or not. Don;t make your and dh’s self worth revolve around whether or not you will be the last kid picked for the team, forever!

God Bless!
 
No advice, but just to let you know you’re not alone. My husband’s family sometimes lets me know the day before a b-day party that they’re having one. Holidays??? We used to make arrangements to go to my family because they wouldn’t let us know until days beforehand even IF they were getting together, let alone where.

I’ve always chalked it up to being disrespectful. Funny thing was they’d end up talking about me if I had made previous plans for the same date of an event and didn’t show up to their event.

Penitent
 
I guess we all have our share of in-law probs.

DH’s brother and sister both call him at work if at all. Since MIL passed away last year, they do not invite us. So far I have invited them 4 times - DS’s bday, Christmas, … I have about had it and will not bother. But I would really love for DS to know his cousins.

Oh well…
 
I feel the same as you…It’s like they have a club and I haven’t been invited yet. They don’t hesitat to have me babysit while they go out on a lake childfree (I wanna go!) :o …or attend parties…I love the kids…but just once I wish they’d invite me along.

It’s especially hard because I moved away from my family and friends to be here…the In-laws have tons of people I want to know, and I am having trouble making friends…I just want to be in their “cirlce of trust” to quote a movie.

When they call they ask for my husband, and if he’s not home they hang up politely but I wanna be talked too…

Oh well…such is life :o
 
First of all, this is your husband’s family you’re talking about.
How does he feel about being out of the loop? If it is ok with him, honestly, it should be ok with you.

I’ve been married 19 years and it took me about 4 to let go of my need to fix things in his family’s dynamics. DHs family keeps a lot close to the vest, sharing only what they need, when they need or when they want. The good news for me was that if we didn’t show up for an event they didn’t hold it against us since once they gathered together they found out no one bothered to invite us!

Hubby’s family is large (by the way both families are practicing Catholic, though several of our siblings have changed to baptist denominations). I come from a smaller family and we are always calling each other about specific events. Some of us share family gossip, but we usually keep it to ourselves, we don’t call cousins and other extended family with that kind of news.

It used to irritate me to be out of the loop when family would get together…they’d be talking about so-and-so as if I’d been included all along, but I learned quickly to just go with the flow and eventually I’d pick up most of the story by the time everyone was finished telling me about it their own way.

Hubby explained early on that they don’t do it on purpose, it’s just the way his family has always been. His parents each had 9 and 8 siblings so there are so many aunts/uncles/cousins to keep tabs on it seems everyone just does the best they can. When he assured me he rather prefers to be kept out of the loop I was able to let go of trying to force him (us) into it. Things have worked out quite well.

Bottom line for me was my hubby loves me completely. His parents are very, very happy for him having found me and having married me. His siblings are too busy with their own lives to really be interested so they don’t even notice whether or not we’ve been in touch. But in times of crisis - there have been a few - boy, do we all rally together! I guess it’s a matter of priorities. If someone lands in the hospital - eventually we will get word of it in time to either visit, pray or call someone involved to lend emotional support. When someone is expecting a child, we get the word. But if someone buys a new house, jobs change, kids get awards or in trouble at school…those things we don’t hear about until family reunion time…and all in all, that’s ok.

We daughter-in-laws tend to consider being left out of the loop as an indication that our hubby’s families do not like us…and that, honestly, is not a healthy way to look at it. For one thing, we married the son…it’s quite possible they really don’t get along with him, never did, or haven’t for a while since something happened between them…marrying us doesn’t change their history with him. The thing is, it’s not about us. Even if it is, it really isn’t. Whatever ‘issues’ extended family members have about us is really based on their own personal issues and they’re projecting them off on us. So, if your hubby’s fine with it, relax and let it go.
 
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Lillith:
I feel the same as you…It’s like they have a club and I haven’t been invited yet. They don’t hesitat to have me babysit while they go out on a lake childfree (I wanna go!) :o …or attend parties…I love the kids…but just once I wish they’d invite me along.

It’s especially hard because I moved away from my family and friends to be here…the In-laws have tons of people I want to know, and I am having trouble making friends…I just want to be in their “cirlce of trust” to quote a movie.

When they call they ask for my husband, and if he’s not home they hang up politely but I wanna be talked too…

Oh well…such is life :o
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That’s just rude! I really feel for you. I’ve often wondered how things are going to be between my husband and me and his two sisters after his parents pass, but that will be quite a few years down the road.
 
What you describe is very common with SILs and MILs. It’s a woman thing. Only women behave this way to each other and only women get upset about it. I find most men only react to direct verbal insults but otherwise shrug it off. We women have high expectations and want to be friends with our SILs and MIL. I know, I did too. But 20 years and many disagreements later, I try not to care. I can’t change them. They are who they are. I am only wasting my emotional energy to get upset.

My advice is similar to YingYangMom’s. Develop a thick skin. Lower your expectations for them. This is who they are. Get used to it. Expect it. Accept them for who they are. Find your friendships and satisfaction elsewhere. You may be pleasantly surprised over time. And you might not. :rolleyes:

I hate surprises too. If you haven’t already, you should communicate to them that you like advance warning. To reinforce it, you might be “busy” and unable to make some event that you are invited to at the last minute. But recognize that you probably can’t change them. If they have been acting this way all their lives, they probably won’t change for you, no matter what you do or what you say.

Pray the “Serenity Prayer”–Lord, grant me the strength to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
 
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