Dangers of "growing up" too soon

[EasterJoy]

Social scientists are finding out that the risks of gaining popularity by being “bad” in middle school–by attaining the “pseudomaturity” of experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and winning the “looks wars”–can be long-lasting:

well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/06/23/cool-at-13-adrift-at-23/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0

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an excerpt:
…*A constellation of three popularity-seeking behaviors characterized pseudomaturity, Dr. Allen and his colleagues found. These young teenagers sought out friends who were physically attractive; their romances were more numerous, emotionally intense and sexually exploring than those of their peers; and they dabbled in minor delinquency — skipping school, sneaking into movies, vandalism.

As they turned 23, the study found that when compared to their socially slower-moving middle-school peers, they had a 45 percent greater rate of problems resulting from alcohol and marijuana use and a 40 percent higher level of actual use of those substances. They also had a 22 percent greater rate of adult criminal behavior, from theft to assaults.

Many attributed failed adult romantic relationships to social status: they believed that their lack of cachet was the reason their partners had broken up with them. Those early attempts to act older than they were seemed to have left them socially stunted. When their peers were asked how well these young adults got along with others, the former cool kids’ ratings were 24 percent lower than the average young adult.

The researchers grappled with why this cluster of behaviors set young teenagers on a downward spiral*…

 

[adawgj]

Of course those acts are long lasting.

Fortunately I was smart at not being the bad kid. I always knew that it would be fun now, bad later. Logically I never thought it would be fun to do all the sh** that was deemed cool back in the day.

 

[losh14]

It’s funny that what you mention, I wouldn’t call it “growing up”. I’d call it “adopting poor life choices early enough to not be open to knowing any better, or how to adjust to the bad consequences of growing up too fast.”

If I were in a sarcastic mood, I’d opine that we should have a study that really makes kids grow up: ie put 14-year-olds into a 45-hours-a-week job, with bills to pay, a marriage to maintain, or needing to care for toddler at home. To me, that’s growing up. I stopped keeping up with the joneses and binge-drinking when I hit my late 20’s, so I outgrew growing up.

 

[Rebirth_Jr]

If only we could do something about it and reach young people who just don’t see it yet. Sadly, some will never see it

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

If I were in a sarcastic mood, I’d opine that we should have a study that really makes kids grow up: ie put 14-year-olds into a 45-hours-a-week job, with bills to pay, a marriage to maintain, or needing to care for toddler at home. To me, that’s growing up. I stopped keeping up with the joneses and binge-drinking when I hit my late 20’s, so I outgrew growing up.

If you ask me, the idea of ‘growing up too soon’ is indirectly responsible for why kids do this stuff.

I personally think that you’re already ‘grown-up’ when you’re aware that you’ve got a mind and aren’t afraid to give anyone a piece of it (including your own parents). You know that Steve Jobs quote? “Everything was made up by people that were no smarter than you.” Months after college and into a job, my parents openly admitted to raising me with the fear of me growing up too fast (especially when I was in high school). Hence, all the criticism, the curfews, and being cooped up to just house and school.

It turns out I was right about how that did more harm to my own maturity than help. There’s gotta be a better way to let a kid grow without insulting their intelligence. I didn’t feel ‘grown-up’ whenever I listened to my Mom. I didn’t feel grown-up whenever I needed parental approval for the dumbest things. Kids identify ‘grown-up’ to stupid stuff like drugs and drinking because they don’t get enough of that maturity credit for being truly independent thinkers. I can’t remember the last time I saw a boy praised like a man for actually wanting to, say, learn about what’s on his textbooks or figure out a faster way to get home.

Instead, he’s served the stupid dichotomy that you’re a man for getting drunk and you’re a kid if you do any of the goody two-shoes stuff.

 

[TEPO]

Of course those acts are long lasting.

Fortunately I was smart at not being the bad kid. I always knew that it would be fun now, bad later. Logically I never thought it would be fun to do all the sh** that was deemed cool back in the day.

I was definantly one of those trouble-maker kids that grew up way too quickly. BTW, you just said a bad word -that’s cool. wanna be friends?

 

[TheWiseMan]

In my opinion, I think there’s nothing wrong with gowing up too soon. Actions like experimentation of drugs, alcohol, and risky behaviors are just plain childishness; a sign of an extended adolescene.

 

[Joe_5859]

It’s somewhat ironic that we seem to have two different social phenomena in our culture today: kids “growing up” too soon and kids never growing up at all. On the surface, they sound like they are opposites, but they are often the very same thing.

 

[Cat]

What my husband and I did was give our daughters various freedoms as they demonstrated by their faithfulness in “little things” that they had earned these freedoms (and of course, taking into account the legality of the freedom; e.g., our daughters weren’t allowed to drive alone until they had a drivers’ license, and they weren’t allowed to take the test for that until they turned 16).

This child-rearing strategy didn’t start when the girls were teenagers. It started back when they were tiny tots. When they demonstrated that they were ready to play with a certain toy (and the toy was deemed age-appropriate), we gave them the freedom to play with that toy. When they demonstrated that they were capable of playing outside in the back yard without wandering off into the street, we gave them that freedom. When they demonstrated that they could open the refrigerator and get themselves a snack, we gave them that freedom.

Our entire approach to child-rearing was to free ourselves of the responsibility of providing for the girls. E.g., when they were babies, they were breast-fed, but at a certain point, when they were ready, they began eating other foods. At first we had to feed them these foods, but eventually they demonstrated prowess in picking up the cheerios with their fingers, and we were “free” of the responsibility of feeding them cheerios! When they started eating table food, we had to spoon feed them at first, but we worked with them (as soon as they were physically ready) so that they could use a spoon (and eventually a fork) themselves, and when they achieved prowess, we were “free” of having to spoon feed them.

I hope I am making this clear. I don’t want everyone to think that we were trying to avoid our responsibilities. Not at all! It takes a lot more work to TEACH a child to do things for themselves than it does to just do those things yourself.

As the children grew older, we encouraged them to develop the skills to do certain tasks. E.g., my girls were doing their own laundry by the time they were 8 years old. I saw no reason why they couldn’t sort their clothing, dump it into the automatic washer, measure some soap, shut the lid, push the proper buttons, and then come back later to move the clothing into the dryer. It freed up my time, and gave them the freedom to take care of their own clothing instead of relying on Mom to do this task for them.

The older they got, the more skills and responsibilities they took on, and the more PRIVILEGES they earned. By the time they were 16, they were essentially living as adults, with more-or-less complete freedom to make their own choices about how to use their time, how to spend their money (which they were required to EARN), who to spend time with, what to eat and drink, etc.

Our girls grew up well, and both are living away from home (far away from home!), earning good salaries in work that they love, and living moral lives.

I heartily recommend this system of child-rearing to anyone. It’s so much better to actually train your children to be adults rather than just letting it happen and then yelling at the kids because they don’t know the skills necessary to being an adult.

 

[pensmama87]

What my husband and I did was give our daughters various freedoms as they demonstrated by their faithfulness in “little things” that they had earned these freedoms (and of course, taking into account the legality of the freedom; e.g., our daughters weren’t allowed to drive alone until they had a drivers’ license, and they weren’t allowed to take the test for that until they turned 16).

This child-rearing strategy didn’t start when the girls were teenagers. It started back when they were tiny tots. When they demonstrated that they were ready to play with a certain toy (and the toy was deemed age-appropriate), we gave them the freedom to play with that toy. When they demonstrated that they were capable of playing outside in the back yard without wandering off into the street, we gave them that freedom. When they demonstrated that they could open the refrigerator and get themselves a snack, we gave them that freedom.

Our entire approach to child-rearing was to free ourselves of the responsibility of providing for the girls. E.g., when they were babies, they were breast-fed, but at a certain point, when they were ready, they began eating other foods. At first we had to feed them these foods, but eventually they demonstrated prowess in picking up the cheerios with their fingers, and we were “free” of the responsibility of feeding them cheerios! When they started eating table food, we had to spoon feed them at first, but we worked with them (as soon as they were physically ready) so that they could use a spoon (and eventually a fork) themselves, and when they achieved prowess, we were “free” of having to spoon feed them.

I hope I am making this clear. I don’t want everyone to think that we were trying to avoid our responsibilities. Not at all! It takes a lot more work to TEACH a child to do things for themselves than it does to just do those things yourself.

As the children grew older, we encouraged them to develop the skills to do certain tasks. E.g., my girls were doing their own laundry by the time they were 8 years old. I saw no reason why they couldn’t sort their clothing, dump it into the automatic washer, measure some soap, shut the lid, push the proper buttons, and then come back later to move the clothing into the dryer. It freed up my time, and gave them the freedom to take care of their own clothing instead of relying on Mom to do this task for them.

The older they got, the more skills and responsibilities they took on, and the more PRIVILEGES they earned. By the time they were 16, they were essentially living as adults, with more-or-less complete freedom to make their own choices about how to use their time, how to spend their money (which they were required to EARN), who to spend time with, what to eat and drink, etc.

Our girls grew up well, and both are living away from home (far away from home!), earning good salaries in work that they love, and living moral lives.

I heartily recommend this system of child-rearing to anyone. It’s so much better to actually train your children to be adults rather than just letting it happen and then yelling at the kids because they don’t know the skills necessary to being an adult.

This is what I would like to do with my children.

I was a “goody goody” most of my childhood, and I did get teased and bullied for it (I was quirky in other ways, too, that lend themselves to that kind of treatment.) I do credit my parents for teaching me the benefits of delayed gratification. Even by the time we graduated from high school, I knew that the next few years were not going to be kind to many of the “cool kids.” But, having learned real responsibility and having to earn privileges to do things, I was more than prepared to live on my own, and the stuff the “cool kids” did that I had never been allowed to do (or invited to do) had lost its appeal.

 

[EasterJoy]

In my opinion, I think there’s nothing wrong with gowing up too soon. Actions like experimentation of drugs, alcohol, and risky behaviors are just plain childishness; a sign of an extended adolescene.

Actually, even “growing up too soon” in terms of being forced into a situation of true maturity, such as being forced to take up responsibilities that by rights ought to be borne by a parent, can have serious consequences. A child who is forced to truly act like the primary adult in a family needs an adult mentor to support them, so the experience they are getting can have more good consequences than otherwise. If a parent is incapacitated or taken away from the family by factors beyond his or her control–such as cancer or some incapacitating disease or a deployment–then the parent can do that. That isn’t an “abandonment” situation. If the parent is abdicating responsibility, though, then that child needs someone outside the family to help them bear it. I am of course talking about a parent who abandons the family, leaving the other parent as an overwhelmed single parent, or who allows a drug or alcohol addiction or some other choice to lead to de facto abandonment even though he or she hasn’t left the family in body. Those “good kids” are very much at risk, too.

The problem is that those just entering adolescence sometimes don’t know the difference between false maturity and real maturity. There are far too many bad role models out there, young people who openly use their wealth and fame in the worst possible way. Those who deal with early wealth and fame badly have bad outcomes, too, but it can be hard to get an impressionable middle school student to believe that before it happens.

This research is no surprise, but if you have a child who seems vulnerable to this path, you are right to be concerned. If someone tells you, “oh, they’ll grow out of it” or “oh, it is just something that some kids go through” or “that is just what middle school is like, now” don’t believe it. Do what you have to do to keep them away from what their worst impulses are pulling them to do. It is worth it.