Dating a fallen-away Catholic

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Hello everyone,
I am a 27 year old Catholic (born and raised with the religion). There was a time when I was around 22-24 when I wasn’t the Catholic I should have been. In my heart I believed and went to church from time to time, but did not take my faith seriously. Thanks be to God through a series of painful events in my life, I have clung tighter to my faith, I am back on track and love my faith and life more then ever…now to my dilema.

I have been dating a 23 year firefighter whom was also born and raised into the Catholic religion (he made all his sacraments too) for 5 months now. Things have been going great with us. We agree on many things, including morality and social issues besides loving each others company. We have talked about our beliefs and even how we would raise children. He is a wonderful, loving, caring, respectful man and loves the fact that I am a moral and strong women in this day and age. He is close with his family whom I have met and adore. He has also met my family whom he also is very fond of and they are of him as well.
The only problem I have is he is not a practicing Catholic and has a very low opinion on what he calls “organized religions”. We don’t base all our conversations on religion (don’t want to pressure him in any way), but lately I find myself probing more to see what it is he believes in and why or maybe at least to drop him some things to think about. I honestly don’t think he’s been challenged enough to be called back to his faith (without change, nothing changes I believe) so I am trying first and foremost to be an EXAMPLE of my faith to him… cause how can you love something that represents the faith, yet not the faith?

I am the youngest of 7 and all of my sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws that have come into my family turned Catholic (one was a fallen away and is now attending mass with my sister and their children). This alone has given me hope that this man will eventually come back to the faith as well. Not to mention I think back when I was his age and how I wasn’t exactly crazy about the religion myself. He does possess many of the religions qualities like being understanding, gentle, generous, honest, thoughtful and is ready to help anyone at anytime…this is what frustrates me all the more…because he ACTS like a Catholic and yet he has a hard time believing it. He also admits he fully knows it is BECAUSE of his upbringing in the faith that is why he is the man he is today.

I DO see myself marrying this man and vice versa, but it would kill me to have this HUGE difference between us. I want to be able to attend mass with him soon and someday if we do get married and have children, raise them in our belief as well…not to mention to be with him in heaven one day.
I am hoping this will unfold like my other brothers and sisters relationships, but at the same time I am very fearful that it won’t.

My question to anyone out there who has knowledge on this topic…If love truly IS patient, do I wait to see where this leads and keep praying to God and the blessed mother he will experience a change of heart? How much time should I give this relationship? Has anyone gone through this and failed? What would you recommend I do or say to get him to at least THINK about coming back to the faith? Are there any books or links that would /could answer questions he may have in a less agressive matter. Right now I don’t think attending mass is the only answer for him…I believe he has many questions inside and although I have tried to explain things,maybe someone else has a better way. I want this to be his decision and I KNOW he has the heart and mind of a Catholic, but for whatever reason he’s been afraid.

Thanks to anyone who responds in advance…I truly appreciate your advice or suggestions.

God bless,
Frustrated, yet hopeful in IL
 
Well I would tell him that although you love him you would not consider marrying anyone that is not a practicing Catholic. Just lay it out there and be truthful, that is all you can really do. I certainly would not marry him in hopes that he will change later, because that is a HUGE gamble and a recipe for disaster. I have known too many religious people that were married to non religious people that either end up divorced or just miserable. Your faith must come first and if he is not going to join you on the ride then I see it (and I hate to say this) as a waste of time for both of you. What starts out as a small difference in opinion will continue to grow and grow until it is a giant canyon separated the two of you; or worse yet, you may lose your faith in the struggle. I have seen this happen numerous times and I would hate for it to happen to you. Sorry that I couldn’t be more positive! 😦
 
I don’t really have any advice for you, because I haven’t been in your situation. My situation is a little different, but in some ways similar. I was raised in a methodist home, and I am now married to a Catholic man. I am starting RCIA and he will be preparing for confirmation. I wanted to convert and begin attending Mass, so I invited him to go with me. It has been a good experience for us.

Prior to all of this, he only attended Mass when he was forced to, and never really discussed much of his faith with me. Now we attend regularly, and he talks to me about his faith.

I believe there is hope, he may just be at a point where he is not quite ready. It could be because of his age, or it could be that he is just afraid and confused.

I know this probably hasn’t helped much, but I hope it will turn out for the best!

jamie
 
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martino:
I have known too many religious people that were married to non religious people that either end up divorced or just miserable.
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I could not agree more. My wief was miserable and we were talking about divorce until we found the Couples For Christ (CFC), a Catholic ministry which is dedicated to helping people grow spiritually strong. Spiritually strong individuals makes spiritually strong couples which makes strong churches and strong communities.

As I said, the CFC helped me grow in to the man God wanted and my wife needed me to be.
 
You need to have a discussion with him about this issue - the sooner the better. Perhaps he is harboring misgivings with “organized religions” because of a misunderstanding about church teaching? Or perhaps he had a very bad experience with someone in the Church, like a priest or a nun, that has soured his perception of the Church. In my experience, issues like this can be worked out.
 
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dhgray:
I could not agree more. My wief was miserable and we were talking about divorce until we found the Couples For Christ (CFC), a Catholic ministry which is dedicated to helping people grow spiritually strong. Spiritually strong individuals makes spiritually strong couples which makes strong churches and strong communities.

As I said, the CFC helped me grow in to the man God wanted and my wife needed me to be.
Click to expand...
Way to go Couples for Christ! :blessyou:
 
  1. What classifies as “Organized Religions”?.. is one to think that DIS-Organized Religions bring about tranquility in ones life?
  2. There is ONLY (ONE) TRUE ORAGANIZED RELIGION on the face of this Earth…that is the Catholic Church headed by the Supreme Pontif. All the other religions ARE DISORGANIZED…what an awsome thing to know how Organized our Faith IS!
I noticed in your writings you made sure to include ALL the great things about your boyfriend…BEFORE you mentioned the problem…which you state is the “only problem”…its the MAJOR problem that can haunt you FOREVER if you fail to give him an ultimatum…God CANNOT be placed BELOW any other thing in our lives…moms, dads, children, spouses…etc… dating is done for one thing…to find a compatible spouse…its time to let him know (lovingly) of course that if he plans to spend his life with you…he’s gonna have to get as right with the Church as you did…before you bring this conversation up…pray a Rosary that the Blessed Virgin and St Joseph will open his mind and heart up to what you are going to say to him…and also ask the Holy Spirit to give you the proper words to use.

God Bless
 
We are all treading on very dangerous ground here. None of us really knows you or him. The organized religion comment makes me think that there is one or two major issues that he has and the only way to find out is to ask questions from time to time and see how he responds.

I would suggest you get Patrick Madrid’s book Search and Rescue. There are a great number of ideas in this book that will help you probe into your young man’s reason’s. You can also access an audio version of this book that aired on EWTN at ewtn.com/vondemand/audio/seriessearchprog.asp?seriesID=7046&T1=madrid.

Now he also might be interested in Jesse Romero as a person to listen too. Jesse is a three time World Police Olympics boxing champion, a former U.S.A. middleweight kickboxing champion and a 17-year-veteran of the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department. He may have just the right kind of message that might appeal to a firefighter. His site is at jesseromero.com/.

For you, you might like to check out the book the ABCs of Choosing a Husband by Steve Wood.

Most of all, take your time and don’t rush things. He has some growing up to do yet and if this is going to work out for you, he’ll stick around while this works it’s way out.

Grace and peace

Keith
 
“Missionary” dating seldom works. You can’t date someone with the hope of changing how they feel about “organized religion.” The thing to do is convert them first and then date them.

If you go into it with the idea that you might be able to convert someone, and then you fall in love, and that person does not convert, you are in for a lot of pain. Just ask some of the people here struggling through mixed marriages.

Don’t let your heart get too far in the way of your head.

Good luck
 
Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all your responses. I am going to try whatever I can to help turn his heart without being forceful since I do believe that was part of his issue with church.

I DO NOT consider it “missionary dating” though. If we all gave up on people who didn’t think like we (Catholics) did we wouldn’t have as many converts or people come back to the church. I believe that WE are to be like Christ in that sense and maybe that is why I was put into his life (God’s Divine plan?). Although what I may be experiencing now is somewhat frustrating, if I believe in the power of God and allow him to spiritual guide me and this man…whose to say it won’t work?
I am just trying to find other ways to get him to open up about it or hear other folks experiences because I DO believe he has it in him to be a great and firm Catholic, but for whatever reasons he has turned a cold shoulder.
I WILL talk with him about this soon and agree “the sooner the better” but I do not want him to feel as if I am cornering him so I was looking through other ideas.

I do realize the gift of free will however and how this can go the other route as well and him not budge a bit. I do not wish to be married to someone who does not share my faith, but I just have issues about loving only someone who is “just like me”. Maybe I need to be better, stronger, or more faithful to open his heart up to this faith?..that is why I am posting here and I appreciate and respect EACH of your viewpoints and comments. They are all in the front of my head. If conversions weren’t made possible by God I would have stopped dating him months ago, but I have witness these and know that anything is possible with God…so I guess I may be dumb, but I think I’m just placing my hopes in the Lord.

I have also begun to say the rosary more for him as well…

Thanks again for all your postings on this matter.
God bless you all!
 
Dear Holyrougue,

I just completed the Engaged Encounter program this weekend with my fiance. Like your friend, Steve is a wonderful and caring person, but refuses to practice his Catholic religion. This has been a tender spot for us, me especially, throughout our dating and engaged history. One thing I did find out this weekend is that he does believe strongly in God and Jesus…which I new prior to the weekend…but more importantly, I learned that he is willing to let God into our marriage. Learning this fact was so precious to me!

Do I think it is absolutely imparative that a Catholic only marry a practicing Catholic…it would be the most optimum scenario…but no, I don’t think it should make or break your decision to possibly one day marry this man. One thing they kept stressing during the weekend is that marriage, like Priesthood and religious life, is a vocation…a vocation called to us by God. I know in my heart that Steve and I have been called by God to marry, but only God knows why he and I should be together. Perhaps, if I stay strong to my Catholic faith I can lead him back with my example.

Just a thought anyway…good luck!
 
My wife was a fallen away Catholic, in fact she considered herself agnositic.

It took quite a while of loving perserverance, but she rejoined the Church (about 4 years after our marriage)

I won’t kid you, it was rough at times. But I insisted on saying Grace at each meal, attending Mass on Sundays, even on vacation, and living my faith as a Catholic.

It was also my start into Aplogetics, exlaining what I believed to her.

It requires a lot of love and paitence, but the rewards are worth it 🙂
 
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