Dating a non-catholic - messy situation

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thessa2013

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Well quick backstory, I am a God loving Catholic young woman (25yrs old) who continues to fall and come back to Him. I’ve started dating an amazing young man my same age, and I feel like I’ve screwed this up before we even got anywhere. We have already slept together a few times (confessed and forgiven) and I want to start again, but I don’t know if it’s possible. How can he take me seriously when I say I want to wait till marraige, when I’ve already proven otherwise? He isn’t Catholic (raised Southern Baptist but not practising). He has a lot of good things going for him, and I’ve tried breaking up with him twice, but he keeps coming back and says that he wants a relationship. I am really struggling with the whole “don’t do missionary dating” and how it is so much better to date a catholic…ect. I am a long term thinker and I date from the point of view of possibly marrying this person. He said early on that he never wanted to marry (first break up) but now he says he is willing to reconsider and give our dating a shot. I don’t know that I could marry a non-catholic. That being said, am I wasting our time? I don’t want to hope that he will convert, and I don’t know that he is thinking long term like I am. If he is just warming up to the idea of considering long term relationship and maybe, maybe marraige, I’m at the other end of the spectrum because that is exactly what I want. I don’t even know how to ask him without weirding him out. He already thinks I’m a little crazy for saying one thing, doing another and tormenting myself by stopping us from sleeping together even when we both want it.
I don’t even know how to convey to him what I truly desire - which is to be loved in a pure way, for my body to be earned by the man who will be my husband, that I don’t want to lose anymore of myself to someone who I don’t even know how sincere he is.

I would love to give him Jason Evert’s book on how to Find your soulmate without losing your soul" but would that be pushy/overbearing or what?

Yours in confusion,
T.
 
Dear Sister in Christ:

The fact is you’ve been sending a mixed message to him. If you’ve been intimate but want to be pure, I think you can see where this is confusing to someone. See Post #3 as well.

I think, though, this sort of behavior is not uncommon (ie the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak).

As far as missionary dating goes, I see that as more black and white----either you’re the type of person who can convert someone and keep them at least respectful and helpful to the Faith, or you’re more likely to follow their lead.

I think in your case your not in a great position for missionary dating if you’ve been compromising your own values in the sexual sense.

Are you wasting your time?

I would say if you can’t get a straight answer from him, then probably. The reason is that some men are not big on commitment, because deep down they want to keep their options open or because they want to go slow for whatever reason.

The concern I have here, Thessa, is that with a guy like this you’ll on the path be the couple that moves in together and/or be with him for 9 to 15 years without a marriage commitment.

It just seems to me from what you post that you two are at more opposite ends as to what you want.

You, Thessa, are more serious about the Faith even though you mess up sexually, but you seem to know what you want.

He, on the other hand, seems more lax and is willing to bide his time, and that attitude is not a good match for your.

I commend you for asking about this and for realizing this now before you hit 40, but I’m not seeing much harmony here at all, and I don’t think this relationship is good for you.
 
Have you messed this up? Yes. That said, the only way to make it worse is to stay with him - and that does make it worse, a lot worse IMHO. If you say you want to marry a catholic man, why would you stay with a non-practicing southern baptist? I sincerely hope this doesn’t sound harsh as I don’t mean to be, but I don’t really see a lot of evidence that you’re doing anything other than let him lead you around by the nose, while you acknowledge that he’s not really the right one for you on many levels. It doesn’t help that you seem to be “taking him back” whenever he asks.
 
**Relationships are not easy. I am dating a non-Catholic. He was baptized Lutheran but currently does not practice any religion. He tells me that one day he might think about being Catholic but what pushes him away is that with any religion, you will have certain folks who feel the need to judge others. And he states that this is the one thing that pushes him away from “organized” religions.

It’s hard but I can’t tell you either way what you “should” do. I am someone who the anxiety takes over and I lay everything on the table. After 2 weeks of dating, I was very clear about my religion, needing to get married in a catholic church, needing to raise children catholic and waiting until marriage. I have to say I was a bit blunt about it, but for me I wanted to be clear.

Just be honest about your intentions. Just because something has happened in the past doesn’t mean that you don’t want something else for the future. Hopefully he won’t try to manipulate you to want something different.

Take deep breaths, you are not alone.**
 
Luckyclovette said:
**Relationships are not easy. I am dating a non-Catholic. He was baptized Lutheran but currently does not practice any religion. He tells me that one day he might think about being Catholic but what pushes him away is that with any religion, you will have certain folks who feel the need to judge others. And he states that this is the one thing that pushes him away from “organized” religions.

It’s hard but I can’t tell you either way what you “should” do. I am someone who the anxiety takes over and I lay everything on the table. After 2 weeks of dating, I was very clear about my religion, needing to get married in a catholic church, needing to raise children catholic and waiting until marriage. I have to say I was a bit blunt about it, but for me I wanted to be clear.

Just be honest about your intentions. Just because something has happened in the past doesn’t mean that you don’t want something else for the future. Hopefully he won’t try to manipulate you to want something different.

Take deep breaths, you are not alone.**
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So if you are still dating him, is he okay with your stance and is he open to seriously being Catholic?
 
SuperLuigi said:
So if you are still dating him, is he okay with your stance and is he open to seriously being Catholic?
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Yes, he is okay with my stance. At this point, he is not “serious” about conversion.
 
SuperLuigi said:
As far as missionary dating goes, I see that as more black and white----either you’re the type of person who can convert someone and keep them at least respectful and helpful to the Faith, or you’re more likely to follow their lead.

I think in your case your not in a great position for missionary dating if you’ve been compromising your own values in the sexual sense.
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Right.

I think you’re the kind of person that will do a lot better with regard to living your values with somebody that shares those values.

Chastity is a million times easier when you have somebody to help you carry the load, rather than having to carry the whole thing yourself all the time.

I think you can do better than this guy, even all by yourself.

Best wishes!
 
If he won’t respect your moral values, there is no reason to waste your time.
 
Please read what I have to say.

I’m almost double your age. I dated and married a non-Catholic when I was 24. He was a baptized Lutheran who was willing to wait for me and he did. We’ve been married 22 years now.

At first, he was very supportive of my faith, and even once said he may be willing to convert. Twenty two years later, while he isn’t anti-Catholic, he is becoming more and more atheist.

This has affected our children. They have had all of their sacraments and even went to Catholic school, but it’s hard when mom drags the kids to church every weekend and on holy days and Dad gets to go fishing and have “fun”. What kind of example are we giving our kids?

I love my husband to death. I love him with every ounce of my being, but this is VERY tough. I ask Mary daily to pray for my husband and kids. I do frequent novenas to St. Monica, yet I feel like a failure since my husband hasn’t grown closer to God in our 22 years of marriage - he’s grown away from God and my oldest daughter, age 18, has declared herself an atheist too.

My boys age 16 and 11 still go to church with me, but to say this doesn’t make me cry most nights would be a lie.

My advice to you - let this relationship end. Again, my husband is the most important person in my life next to God, but I tell you that if you want to seriously raise your kids Catholic, find a Catholic man whose values are similar to yours.

My heart aches having to type that out. You will be in my prayers.
 
I heard somewhere that “When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them”. I’m also in my 20s so trust me, I understand your situation more than most. To me this man just seems like he wants something casual, which is why he is telling you want he thinks you want to hear: possible marriage in the future.

Next time, you can just tell him you had a lapse in judgement and were in a vulnerable time in your life but have no desire to continue a sexual relationship. Keep to that commitment this time. He will either stay or he won’t–most likely not but if that is the case, good riddance. God spared you from a lot of trouble, heartache, disease, etc.

I have dated non-Catholics but I made it very clear from the start how important my faith was. Actions speak louder than words. Be classy and kind. Casually mention how you attend church every Sunday, what you value, wear a cross–subtle ways to show how important your faith is to you. If the man I was potentially dating respected that (and a lot of times they wanted to learn more about the Catholic faith, God, and joined me in church), then I would consider giving them a chance. If they did not respect my faith then it could never work. Period.
Ideally yes, I would want them to be Catholic, but sometimes a person is just lost or never learned about God. If your values and morals are similar and he is an ethical and respectful person, then there is hope. Just pray for them.

OP, I would advise not giving this guy another go. There are truly too many good fish in the sea. Good luck! Stay strong.:hug3:
 
thessa2013 said:
I would love to give him Jason Evert’s book on how to Find your soulmate without losing your soul" but would that be pushy/overbearing or what?
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I say take the book out from the library and see if he will read it (save yourself some money). One thing is for sure, don’t let him make you feel ashamed of your beliefs.
thessa2013 said:
I don’t even know how to convey to him what I truly desire - which is to be loved in a pure way, for my body to be earned by the man who will be my husband, that I don’t want to lose anymore of myself to someone who I don’t even know how sincere he is.
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I would say it just like that! Be strong & know your value! 👍
 
You’ve got to value yourself and be true your own faith before you can expect model this to others. Otherwise it’s all just a “maybe if” scenario.

I agree with PolarGuy and Xantippe.
You can do better. Start out on the right foot next time. You can remain good friends.
I don’t hear any “love” from his corner though. I do hear that “you’d like to be in love” though.
The woman who said she married a non-Catholic and got no support from her husband is a great post as well. I feel really bad for her. Listen to her.
Good luck!
 
thessa2013 said:
I am a long term thinker and I date from the point of view of possibly marrying this person. He said early on that he never wanted to marry (first break up) but now he says he is willing to reconsider and give our dating a shot. I don’t know that I could marry a non-catholic. That being said, am I wasting our time? I don’t want to hope that he will convert, and I don’t know that he is thinking long term like I am. If he is just warming up to the idea of considering long term relationship and maybe, maybe marraige, I’m at the other end of the spectrum because that is exactly what I want…
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Yes, you are, even without the differences about beliefs. ITA with runwaymodel that “When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.”

There many men (and women) who simply do NOT find marriage to be a life goal. There are unfortunately entire subcultures now, where young people don’t want to get married at all, for various reasons. Many see marriage as something for richer, older people. Some see no advantage at all to the “piece of paper”, just a very high risk of financial ruin from divorce.

Anyway, whatever his reasons, this man is obviously not interested in marriage. His purpose in dating seems to be merely to find a temporary social/sexual partner for a few months or so. If that isn’t your goal, then it makes as much sense to date him, as it would for a person who wants to buy a car and keep it for years, to go to a rental car counter at an airport.
 
ToeInTheWater said:
Yes, you are, even without the differences about beliefs. ITA with runwaymodel that “When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.”

There many men (and women) who simply do NOT find marriage to be a life goal. There are unfortunately entire subcultures now, where young people don’t want to get married at all, for various reasons. Many see marriage as something for richer, older people. Some see no advantage at all to the “piece of paper”, just a very high risk of financial ruin from divorce.

Anyway, whatever his reasons, this man is obviously not interested in marriage. His purpose in dating seems to be merely to find a temporary social/sexual partner for a few months or so. If that isn’t your goal, then it makes as much sense to date him, as it would for a person who wants to buy a car and keep it for years, to go to a rental car counter at an airport.
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I tend to agree with this train of thought… I wouldn’t want to date someone who isn’t even sure they want to get married at all…
 
12345678 said:
I tend to agree with this train of thought… I wouldn’t want to date someone who isn’t even sure they want to get married at all…
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That was the main issue I saw here, that the goals here are completely different between the OP and this man. I don’t see any sign that he wants to get married at all any time soon. The OP might get stuck in limbo, waiting for years for him to decide. And what if after all that, he decides he doesn’t want to get married at all? Or takes off with another girl he doesn’t have to sweet-talk into sex? Yes, I think the OP would be wasting her time. Even if he were a Catholic man who has same beliefs regarding sex, but is terrified of divorce, and hence terrified of marriage.

And when it comes to the sexual sin part: I think some women stick with “bad boys” because they feel they have some kind of obligation to “save” them from sin. I’ve seen women post on CAF that they think it would be wrong to break up with a man who doesn’t believe premarital sex is wrong, because this means he’d go back to having sex with the next girlfriend.

Some seem to think that “loving” and *wanting * to marry a man, means they have the same obligation to help him get to Heaven, as if they were already married, even though they obviously don’t think they have the same obligation as a wife when it comes to sex.

(This happens with some men, too, wanting to “save” women who are single mothers, drug addicts, stuck in abusive relationships, etc. Dr. Laura calls it “Knight in Shining Armor” syndrome.)
 
thessa2013 said:
Well quick backstory, I am a God loving Catholic young woman (25yrs old) who continues to fall and come back to Him. I’ve started dating an amazing young man my same age, and I feel like I’ve screwed this up before we even got anywhere. We have already slept together a few times (confessed and forgiven) and I want to start again, but I don’t know if it’s possible. How can he take me seriously when I say I want to wait till marraige, when I’ve already proven otherwise? He isn’t Catholic (raised Southern Baptist but not practising). He has a lot of good things going for him, and I’ve tried breaking up with him twice, but he keeps coming back and says that he wants a relationship. I am really struggling with the whole “don’t do missionary dating” and how it is so much better to date a catholic…ect. I am a long term thinker and I date from the point of view of possibly marrying this person. He said early on that he never wanted to marry (first break up) but now he says he is willing to reconsider and give our dating a shot. I don’t know that I could marry a non-catholic. That being said, am I wasting our time? I don’t want to hope that he will convert, and I don’t know that he is thinking long term like I am. If he is just warming up to the idea of considering long term relationship and maybe, maybe marraige, I’m at the other end of the spectrum because that is exactly what I want. I don’t even know how to ask him without weirding him out. He already thinks I’m a little crazy for saying one thing, doing another and tormenting myself by stopping us from sleeping together even when we both want it.
I don’t even know how to convey to him what I truly desire - which is to be loved in a pure way, for my body to be earned by the man who will be my husband, that I don’t want to lose anymore of myself to someone who I don’t even know how sincere he is.

I would love to give him Jason Evert’s book on how to Find your soulmate without losing your soul" but would that be pushy/overbearing or what?

Yours in confusion,
T.
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Dear thessa,
I was in a similar situation as you regarding dating a nonpractising Christian/Catholic. Message me if you want 🙂

One of the best pieces of advice given to me by someone from this forum:** look for a man who is not only open to your values, but shares and UPHOLDS them. **

You said it yourself, you want a man who is willing to love you–truly and authentically. If your relationship with him is getting in the way of you pursuing a holy life, then that is your sign right there. Speaking from experience: giving someone up–offering him to Jesus is the most loving thing to do. I didn’t see it then, but God has shown me the fruits of that. This is probably not what you want to hear, i know :console::hug3::hug1: but if you can offer this (your suffering, passions, desires, sins, future) to Jesus, He will give it back infinitely times better just like he did with the two loaves of bread and five fish.

Again, speaking from experience, i was on a similar boat and I too, suffer from anxiety. You have to make a decision, and it’s all yours to make-- but just know that Jesus is with you and he is going to carry this cross for you 🙂

Edit- you are in my prayers, Thessa. You are not alone 🙂 Also, ask Mother Mary to guide your decision.
 
Dear OP,

Maybe it’s unfair of me, but I don’t like the sound of this guy, and I feel sisterly here in advising you to be very cautious. I worry he is stringing you along.

You can make the change now. Your body is a gift. The first time, any time, it is a gift.

From personal experience, Interfaith is very, very challenging. A Catholic guy would “get” you. My advice is to discern this, ask God to lead you in the right path. You’ll learn the answer in your heart. If you feel that little voice warning you, stop and listen to it.

If this guy isn’t the one, remember there’s a lot of Catholic guys out there searching and praying for someone like you.

With my prayers
GreyWings
 
There is a Catholic Singles group in some church parishes. Maybe you could find one close by. Agree to wait 6 months to date this man. And stick to it. Don’t let him make you change your mind in a month or so. Make it clear from the start what you expect and no less. You have a lot of time. Just my opinion. Plus, pray always.
 
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