Dating and money

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anon91549587

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Throughout the past few years, the women/ladies whom i meet on coffee dates or dinner would 90% of the time ask about my career prospect as if to suss out my financial status as a fitness instructor. This would occur on the first time i meet them. Their age range from 25-37. Im somewhere between 27-33.

Should i be alarmed or see this as a red flag? I make good money but dont flaunt it or wear expensive clothings during those meets.
 
I’m not sure I would worry about it. Worrying about money is, unfortunately, something many do. Perhaps there is something deeper to their question?
 
It’s perfectly normal on dates to find out if someone has a good career to sustain a future family or life together.
I think the red flag is that you find it a red flag.
 
I wld be concerned if the woman is only in love with my bank account and not me.
 
“Fitness instructor” is one of those jobs (like yoga instructor, life coach, motivational speaker etc) that can be an actual legit career, or a smokescreen for deadbeats. The women probably want to make sure you’re not the latter.

Additionally, it’s pretty normal at least in USA to talk about “so what do you do?” and ask follow-up questions about the job when first meeting a person. It’s considered a neutral conversation topic, since presumably you’ll be asking the woman about her job too, and you can tell a lot about a person by the way they answer (or don’t answer).
 
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redcatholic said:
It’s perfectly normal on dates to find out if someone has a good career to sustain a future family or life together.
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Wow, really? On a first date? I would think that first date might be to see what things you have in common, whether they have a sense of humor, and what kinds of hobbies they have or foods they like.
redcatholic said:
I think the red flag is that you find it a red flag.
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I too, would have been put off by someone wanting to know my income. There is much more to a person than how much money they will bring to the table. They could have a great income and be a jerk. Relationships are not business opportunities.
 
That’s not what he said.
He said they try to find out what he does and his career prospects. This happens most of the time when you meet someone. Especially in the late 20s early thirties. “What do you do?” Is a common question when you just meet someone. And with the OPs profession they may also wonder what that looks like long term.
 
anon91549587 said:
ask about my career prospect as if to suss out my financial status
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@redcatholic, this is what he said. This is how he felt, and what concerns him, so yes, he did say that. It sounds like they asked more than “what do you do?”
 
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“As if to” is quite the qualifier. I think discussion of careers and futures is acceptable on a first date. It’s also acceptable cocktail party convo. Like the other poster said. Fitness instructor is definitely something I’d want to know more about. In fact I’m curious as a poster on this thread what intentions the OP has for the future. I’m curious about the industry. I’m curious if the shut down of most of the nations gyms has helped or hurt the OPs business. I’m curious what training the OP had in the industry and how much he likes it. And I’m a guy.?? I’m not dating the OP but if we met at a BBQ and we were talking, all of that might come up in a normal way.
If a woman says “how much do you make”. It “what’s your real job”. Then the woman needs to be only a 1st date and never a second.
 
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I understand your concern.

Some people feel that question to be judgmental – that they are going to be judged by their occupation rather than by the totality of their character as a person.

Some also find that question to be intrusive.

And, the focus IS on money, that is, how much a person makes rather than on his or her other qualities, and that seems one-dimensional.

I always feel uncomfortable when asked what I do (for a living), especially when it’s the first thing out of a person’s mouth – and I honestly question why they’re asking me that. If they’re just trying to break the ice and make conversation, fine. But if they’re going to use it to judge me, I have a problem with that.
 
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redcatholic said:
If a woman says “how much do you make”. It “what’s your real job”. Then the woman needs to be only a 1st date and never a second.
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Yeah, I agree. I also agree that I’d be interested in knowing more about what a “fitness instructor” career path looks like. For example, does the person work for a gym or a chain of gyms, or does he have a solo practice where he does workshops and takes individual clients? Does he target certain groups like soccer moms, hipsters, lawyers, entertainers, etc? What’s the future of that industry?

And if a guy were put off that I wanted to discuss his work, or he didnt want to talk about work and was evasive, then that might be a signal that we’re not a good match because I like talking about the economic prospects of career paths. Not 24/ 7 obviously, but if somebody was going to get all affronted or didn’t seem to be planning how he was going to be solvent 5 years down the road, he’s not my type. I talk about my career and I try to reasonably plan, I’d expect a guy to be doing the same especially if he was in the market for a wife and kids.
 
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If this is what you’re worried about, you can give a brief answer ‘I work for X chain of gyms’ or ‘I have a degree/certification in X’, and then keep the first few dates just average. Go out for coffee, go for a walk in a park, have dinner at a local diner. That’s plenty of time to see if you have anything in common and you’ll probably be able to shake off any woman looking to marry for money by a third low cost date.

I don’t think just becuase someone asks you what you do for a living you need to see it as a red flag, but I know a lot of men are concerned about this. My husband’s single friends discuss this a lot with him. Unfortunately a lot of women they have dated have not been honest with their intentions.
 
She did ask other questions like the amount of clients i have now and where the next client lived ( we were in a posh side of the country ).
 
This type of thing is why I always preferred to go on dates with somebody I knew as a friend, or from my work or my school, or from some group social setting, like we were often at the same bars, rock shows etc. You already kind of know each other and you can also ask mutual friends or acquaintances questions about each other. I remember back in the dark ages before e-mail we would sometimes write each other a couple letters back and forth before going on an actual date - that was a good way to gather all the basic info and then the date could be less like an interview. Later when e-mail and instant messaging got popular, everybody used that to kind of do the initial screening, so by the time you actually went for coffee or pizza you already sort of “knew” each other.
 
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anon91549587 said:
She did ask other questions like the amount of clients i have now and where the next client lived ( we were in a posh side of the country ).
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… “where the next client lived …” Of course, you told her that is confidential information and you couldn’t reveal it. Right?
 
“how much do you make” is a definitely a red flag. Asking a person [how busy they are] is a bit rude, so when I was dating, I’d ask questions that lead around that, what does their day to day schedule look like, how many clients do they see, what sort of hours do they keep.

It’s important because I like to spend time with the person that I’m dating. And if I’m trying to gauge a time for a 2nd date, it’s good to know a person’s availability. That said, if I was currently in the dating pool, I’d probably be a lot more willing to let the man decide whether or not he wants a second date, and when that date would be.

Agreeing with @redcatholic, the job itself lends itself to a lot of questions and curiosity, that unless a person is asking about salary, should not be a red flag. I’d still be curious about salary though as it might be a potential career field option for someone that is not settled in their own career, so that it might be asked selfishly and not even about OP at all…
 
I have a woman that I like and seems to like me and she’s never asked about my finances.
 
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