Dating and "warning signs"

[iwillrisenow]

As the single life/vocation discernment journey continues, I’ve been reading a lot and learning about a number of perspectives on the matter. Since I am a stranger in a strange land , being one who did not “naturally” fall into a committed relationship early in life, I figure I’ve a lot to learn from those who know how to make it work. Now I’ve been more reflective about my own life and, like a lot of singles, questioning what may or may not need to be fixed before I can move forward. These are things that, while they don’t generally bother me, I sometimes wonder if they may be sending the wrong message to others. This question is especially for those who are either married or discerning marriage: how many of these things would you consider deterrents or “warning signs” (I am a woman, if that helps)?

• Independent nature: I will sum it up like this: I can do a lot on my own (e.g.- relocate, travel) but that doesn’t mean that I have to do everything my way or the highway. It’s by default. That being said, do most people see independence as a sign of one being meant to be on their own?
• Isolation: This is a big one, but I want to put it out there because it’s true. Due to the circumstances of my life (many friends who moved away when I was young, moving frequently as an adult), apart from family, I’ve only had “reason or a season” relationships. It’s not that I don’t like people or try to push them away, it’s just that they tend to drift after each stage. I am concerned that most potential partners will see this and think that something is horribly wrong-- even though I can’t be the only one …can I? And it’s no easier to go out and make friendships (apart from superficial acquaintance relationships) than it is to find a spouse. Oy.

-Prudence: More than a few times I have met someone, and they have been very interested at first…only for that interest to completely vanish overnight. I’m beginning to lose my ability to let go and trust the “magic” of initial attraction, because there’s no way of telling whether or not there’s any real interest. And I’ve never experienced sincere interest, so how can I believe that it’s even possible? Is there any way around this?

I’m starting to feel pretty down about the prospect of dating in my fast approaching 30s…while meeting and marrying one’s spouse at a younger age is generally free from all the pressure and self-consciousness of wondering “what’s wrong? why not me?” until it happens, dating at an older age seems to be full of land mines.

We live in a world where there are a lot of choices and it’s easy for someone to see something that’s not perfect in another and yell “Next!”…so I’m hoping to minimize these as much as possible. And since I don’t have friends that I can trust to tell me what I’m doing wrong, I have to rely on the kindness of strangers…

 

[colmywaykurtz]

As the single life/vocation discernment journey continues, I’ve been reading a lot and learning about a number of perspectives on the matter. Since I am a stranger in a strange land , being one who did not “naturally” fall into a committed relationship early in life, I figure I’ve a lot to learn from those who know how to make it work. Now I’ve been more reflective about my own life and, like a lot of singles, questioning what may or may not need to be fixed before I can move forward. These are things that, while they don’t generally bother me, I sometimes wonder if they may be sending the wrong message to others. This question is especially for those who are either married or discerning marriage: how many of these things would you consider deterrents or “warning signs” (I am a woman, if that helps)?

• Independent nature: I will sum it up like this: I can do a lot on my own (e.g.- relocate, travel) but that doesn’t mean that I have to do everything my way or the highway. It’s by default. That being said, do most people see independence as a sign of one being meant to be on their own?
• Isolation: This is a big one, but I want to put it out there because it’s true. Due to the circumstances of my life (many friends who moved away when I was young, moving frequently as an adult), apart from family, I’ve only had “reason or a season” relationships. It’s not that I don’t like people or try to push them away, it’s just that they tend to drift after each stage. I am concerned that most potential partners will see this and think that something is horribly wrong-- even though I can’t be the only one …can I? And it’s no easier to go out and make friendships (apart from superficial acquaintance relationships) than it is to find a spouse. Oy.

-Prudence: More than a few times I have met someone, and they have been very interested at first…only for that interest to completely vanish overnight. I’m beginning to lose my ability to let go and trust the “magic” of initial attraction, because there’s no way of telling whether or not there’s any real interest. And I’ve never experienced sincere interest, so how can I believe that it’s even possible? Is there any way around this?

I’m starting to feel pretty down about the prospect of dating in my fast approaching 30s…while meeting and marrying one’s spouse at a younger age is generally free from all the pressure and self-consciousness of wondering “what’s wrong? why not me?” until it happens, dating at an older age seems to be full of land mines.

We live in a world where there are a lot of choices and it’s easy for someone to see something that’s not perfect in another and yell “Next!”…so I’m hoping to minimize these as much as possible. And since I don’t have friends that I can trust to tell me what I’m doing wrong, I have to rely on the kindness of strangers…

For what it’s worth, I’d say don’t worry at it so directly and intensely. I grew up convinced from adolescence that there was nobody for me. I could count on two hands the number of dates I had in high school and college, and yet still met a wonderful woman I married and we have two great kids who are beginning their adult lives now. Some people just have to “let go and let God…”

 

[kesa82]

This reminds me —as I am very often being reminded of it these days , of something I read recently.

The incessant criticism you hear of the celibate priesthood is that celibacy is unnatural.

—But that criticism flatly ignores the fact that a quite substantial portion of the population lives celibately anyway.

Some girl grew up in a house with 4 siblings, had to share everything, did miss out on a lot of opportunities , lacked choices, simply because there wasn’t enough money to go around. So she VOLUNTARILY defers marriage and sex until such time as she has a solid career , and more than 100 dollars in the checking account.

Then there’s the INVOLUNTARY cases -------that no one ever seems to bring up. ( i.e. really doesn’t seem to care about )

Like our girl in the previous example -----as things turn out, the solid career , and more than 100 dollars in the checking account, never does work out. One thing leads to another, and before she even knows it, she’s past 40, she’s wearing dentures, half her stomache has been cut out, --------and if she wants a date she’s gonna have to throw herself at someone nobody else wants.

Less grey, more stark ----

-----the phone of the fat ugly girl in the wheelchair isn’t ringing off the hook.

---- No Cinderella is going to ride up and save the homeless 46 year old man.

---- some 9 year old orphan girl in Bosnia gets her skull bashed in by a rifle butt for no particular reason, and her corpse gets dumped in some ditch like garbage, and barely a month later no one could tell you what her name was, or can even tell you with any precision exactly which ditch her bones lie in.

No love stories for these, and there are more than a few of them. It’s a commonplace.

It seems to me that, if we dare speak of religion in terms of practical utility, certainly, the basic use of religion is ;

The Love of God is constant, reliable.

The Love of man fails.

 

[sedonaman]

…I’m starting to feel pretty down about the prospect of dating in my fast approaching 30s…while meeting and marrying one’s spouse at a younger age is generally free from all the pressure and self-consciousness of wondering “what’s wrong? why not me?” until it happens, dating at an older age seems to be full of land mines.

We live in a world where there are a lot of choices and it’s easy for someone to see something that’s not perfect in another and yell “Next!”…so I’m hoping to minimize these as much as possible. And since I don’t have friends that I can trust to tell me what I’m doing wrong, I have to rely on the kindness of strangers…

I was a single guy until age 35. Up until my early 30s, I had been in evironments that had a shortage of eligible young ladies: engineering school, the military, post-military engineering company, church that is geared to families. By then, all of my friends had been long married, so meeting someone through them was fairly well out of the question. I had begun to feel down too and resigned myself to enjoying the single life. I had become aware of the Catholic Alumni Club and swallowed my pride and joined the nearest chapter. They have chapters in most large cities. For about two years, I had fun attending their functions and then met the one I married. That was 35 years ago.

I noticed that the CAC did not meet everyone’s goals, be they social, cultural, or religious, usually because most don’t put much effort into it. The more you are involved, the more likely you are to succeed. You might give them a try. caci.org

 

[colmywaykurtz]

This reminds me —as I am very often being reminded of it these days , of something I read recently.

The incessant criticism you hear of the celibate priesthood is that celibacy is unnatural.

—But that criticism flatly ignores the fact that a quite substantial portion of the population lives celibately anyway.

Some girl grew up in a house with 4 siblings, had to share everything, did miss out on a lot of opportunities , lacked choices, simply because there wasn’t enough money to go around. So she VOLUNTARILY defers marriage and sex until such time as she has a solid career , and more than 100 dollars in the checking account.

Then there’s the INVOLUNTARY cases -------that no one ever seems to bring up. ( i.e. really doesn’t seem to care about )

Like our girl in the previous example -----as things turn out, the solid career , and more than 100 dollars in the checking account, never does work out. One thing leads to another, and before she even knows it, she’s past 40, she’s wearing dentures, half her stomache has been cut out, --------and if she wants a date she’s gonna have to throw herself at someone nobody else wants.

Less grey, more stark ----

-----the phone of the fat ugly girl in the wheelchair isn’t ringing off the hook.

---- No Cinderella is going to ride up and save the homeless 46 year old man.

---- some 9 year old orphan girl in Bosnia gets her skull bashed in by a rifle butt for no particular reason, and her corpse gets dumped in some ditch like garbage, and barely a month later no one could tell you what her name was, or can even tell you with any precision exactly which ditch her bones lie in.

No love stories for these, and there are more than a few of them. It’s a commonplace.

It seems to me that, if we dare speak of religion in terms of practical utility, certainly, the basic use of religion is ;

The Love of God is constant, reliable.

The Love of man fails.

Amen to that, kesa.

The only thing I could add is the words of Mt 19:12: “For there are different reasons why men cannot marry; some, because they were born that way; others, because men made them that way; and others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Let him who can accept this teaching do so.”

 

[joanofarc2008]

Amen to that, kesa.

The only thing I could add is the words of Mt 19:12: “For there are different reasons why men cannot marry; some, because they were born that way; others, because men made them that way; and others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Let him who can accept this teaching do so.”

 

[Andre1000]

When I get older than 30 I will and want to stay single for the rest of my live.

 

[Aggies08]

• Independent nature: I will sum it up like this: I can do a lot on my own (e.g.- relocate, travel) but that doesn’t mean that I have to do everything my way or the highway. It’s by default. That being said, do most people see independence as a sign of one being meant to be on their own?

• Isolation: This is a big one, but I want to put it out there because it’s true. Due to the circumstances of my life (many friends who moved away when I was young, moving frequently as an adult), apart from family, I’ve only had “reason or a season” relationships. It’s not that I don’t like people or try to push them away, it’s just that they tend to drift after each stage. I am concerned that most potential partners will see this and think that something is horribly wrong-- even though I can’t be the only one …can I? And it’s no easier to go out and make friendships (apart from superficial acquaintance relationships) than it is to find a spouse. Oy.

I wouldn’t consider these any sort of issue or impediment. Actually, I think an adult who cannot function on their own does not make for a good spouse or stable marriage.

I’m very much the same on both issues, and I am now happily married- so, as I said, I wouldn’t consider them to be a problem.

 

[Sing4Him]

I am in my 40s and I still have hope that one day I will meet a man who eventually will become my spouse. Until then, I am content with being single and I accept/trust in whatever God’s plan is for me in that area.

I can relate to a lot of what the OP has written. The last thing I want to appear as is someone who “doesn’t need” a man; yet, as a single person, there are things I naturally do on my own and I don’t think twice about them. I have to say, even though I am pretty independent, I am always grateful when a gentleman holds a door open for me or helps me lift something heavy at the store. Chivalry is not dead, even for us old maids! Maybe someday I will get up the courage to say more than just “Thank you.” (my biggest obstacle is extreme shyness).

 

[iwillrisenow]

I’ve heard a lot about “letting go” and that “it will happen when you least expect it”. Well…how does one earnestly “let go”? Right now, for instance, I am not trying to control anything. There are no prospects anywhere to even attempt that. I fully admit that I have absolutely no control when it comes to this area of my life and it is truly all God’s domain. So what am I doing wrong? Should I fugetaboutit and just get a puppy or something?

Involuntary celibacy (of all degrees, from the ones mentioned earlier in this thread to the form that those of us who are single and don’t want to be live with) is a cross worthy of an entirely separate thread of its own. Not that marriage is the magic bullet, but…well, I’m sure some of you out there who are single by default hear meh.

[warning-- you are now entering mini-rant territory. This goes out to all my fellow singles, who’ve shared in these frustrations, which we rarely discuss.]

Some people say “marriage doesn’t validate or complete you” yet few would deny that, at its very best, it is, in fact, a source of purpose. We Catholics take it a step further since it is a vocation for us. It’s not all about Cinderellas and princes and popularity-- many of us are single and frustrated because it is assumed that we are being too idealistic or don’t truly understand what marriage entails. Like we are all oversized adolescents with stars in our eyes. We’re trying too hard, yet we’re not trying hard enough. We can love and be loved just the way we are, but we need to look more closely at our lives and work on ourselves before anything can happen. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am tired of the assumptions that we can’t possibly understand sacrifice or that we’re better off somehow. Only God truly knows if and when we’re “better off”.

[end rant]

Bottom line: Waiting is hard. Not knowing if and when it will happen is hard. Going through disappointment after disappointment is hard. Living in a way that rails against your nature is hard. I’m not saying that these things are more or less difficult than marriage itself-- in fact, an argument can be made that each of these things is a part of married life. But I’m frustrated, and I will openly admit it. I’m hurt and confused. A bit angry. And very tired. But not ready to give up. Not just yet.

 

[prayforus9]

I met my husband through a travel website. We ended up being in the same place at the same time and two years later we got married. We were both practicing Catholics, had no intentions of dating but the first day we met we clicked.

I’d say just take a deep breath and join a few Catholic dating websites. Some you can join for free and just browse through the different members. You’d be surprised how many interesting people could live right around the corner from you, if you live in or close to a city. Just give it a go, fill out your profile, upload a photo, wait until guys contact you, or contact some people yourself. Maybe have 1 date a week, meet for Coffee, if you like them see them next week too. I’m sure many people nowadays are stuck in the same social situation. As you get older it gets harder and harder to keep in touch with your childhood and college friends, especially if they’re not around anymore or in a different path in their life. Now you’re working and it’s hard to make enough time to eat properly, shop, work out, your hobbies, etc. Try to join a local young adult group. There are many events practically every day where I’m from. Search online for young adult groups. I’m sure you could meet friends and potential boyfriend there

Good luck and just give dating a try! It might be worth it or maybe you’ll realize you’re meant for a different vocation. You have nothing to loose!

 

[cmscms]

As much as I see you point, I strongly think it would be best to ask God to give you inner peace rather than focus on meeting someone.

I am 42, never married and can feel like you at times. But guess what, I look back and realized I wasted a lot of time worrying for nothing and have little energy less to care about it.

I too heard the cliche ‘When you stop trying, he will show up’, ‘The day you love yourself so will a man’, ‘Join a group’ HA that was nothing but a waste of time. It is really easy for other people to speak, but the reality is, some people never marry. If I am to be single, I would much rather be a happy single than a miserable one

CM

 

[Crescentinus]

For what it’s worth, I’d say don’t worry at it so directly and intensely. I grew up convinced from adolescence that there was nobody for me. I could count on two hands the number of dates I had in high school and college, and yet still met a wonderful woman I married and we have two great kids who are beginning their adult lives now. Some people just have to “let go and let God…”

I’m hoping that I’d get married.