Dating as a single mother- experiences please

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I am looking for some advice. I left my boyfriend of 15 years who I have children with(12&8)because of domestic abuse last year and moved into a safe house many miles away from my home.

Over the last 3.5 months I have been chatting to a guy that I met on the internet. We speak 2-3 times a week on the phone (late at night for usually 5-6 hours) and text everyday.

He has always been very respectful, caring and we have opened up about a lot of things. We chat as platonic friends with the idea of possible forming a relationship if it feels right when we meet.He lives close by but due to lockdown we have yet had the opportunity to meet in person. With restrictions being lifted in my area it is likely that we will have the opportunity to meet soon.

I am not sure if me and this guy will end up in a relationship but If we were to date as a single mother of children how would you suggest that this is best done?
 
I am not a single mother, but your initial date should be done without your kids knowledge. And then, you should wait a while for them to meet if you do hit it off.

Your kids do not need to know every time mom has a date, or a new date, a different date or another date. Only introduce them after you are sure things could get serious.
 
To add to what @Irishmom2 said, after you’ve dated someone and decide it’s time to introduce him to your children—pay close attention to how they get along.
Getting involved with someone your children hate will cause you nothing but heartache.
 
Thank you for spending the time to reply. That advice was what I was thinking myself. I personally am not actively looking to date guys in general. So I won’t be in the foreseeable future meeting guys for dates (even if this friendship doesn’t turn into dating). It is just that me and this guy has built up an online / telephone friendship and it appears that we might through our chats be compatible in a relationship together IRL.
 
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Thank you. Would that be after an adjustment period? and hyperthetically is the reason they ‘hate’ the person a consideration on whether or not to carry on dating? For example they think the guy is ok but express their dislike because they don’t want their mother to date
 
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Also, do I have a responsibility to the guy (as to not look like I am leading him on) to decide in a certain time frame if I believe that the relationship is serious enough to introduce him to the kids?

My child-free time is minimal (he is aware of this) so the physical face to face time we spend together initially would mean that we would have a very slowburn relationship.
 
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T432 said:
Thank you. Would that be after an adjustment period? and hyperthetically is the reason they ‘hate’ the person a consideration on whether or not to carry on dating? For example they think the guy is ok but express their dislike because they don’t want their mother to date
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Yes, they need time to adjust to the idea of their mother dating. Once you decide to introduce them to a man you’re dating, you might want to present him as a friend. No PDAs in front of the kids—just spend time together. If they don’t like him-/that should be a red flag for you. It will not bode well if they don’t get along.
 
Yes, presenting him as a friend is how I would introduce him. I would not carry on a relationship with him if they didn’t feel comfortable in his company. If dating him and the children met what would be the ideal amount of ‘family time’ should be shared all together whilst dating?
 
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T432 said:
If dating him and the children met what would be the ideal amount of ‘family time’ should be shared all together whilst dating?
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I think that’s an individual call. But I would make sure that it’s pretty limited to start. It takes time to build a trusting relationship.
 
I’m going to be the voice of dissent. Your kids have lost their father, abusive father, yet still their father. Your kids need to know that you are not going away, that they are your number two priority in life (God is always number one).

Right now is time for counseling for all three of you, healing, mending. It is not a good idea for you to be dating so soon. Stay focused on healing, on your kids, on rebuilding your life.

I would stay single until my kids were both out of high school, however, your time frame may be different.

Get involved with your parish, with Diocese events. Only date men who share your faith and your morals. Go build a Habitat house, volunteer at the pet shelter, whatever interests you. Take classes, coach your kid’s soccer team, heal you before entering into a romance.
 
Thank you @TheLittleLady so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I should probably point out that I was not raised Catholic and am not Catholic. About a decade ago I was in the early stages of joining RCIA but was stopped by my ex. I have since been unsure about my faith in God but have always respected the way that good Catholics raise their children. Hence me being here.

I can understand your reservations and I do have them myself. I have worked hard on myself since leaving as well as with the kids. I have no issue of raising the children on my own but I also think that it is a gift to show your children a solid relationship that they can learn positively from.
 
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If your ex-boyfriend caused you to move far away for your safety, keep in mind that he may be actively searching for you. Finding you could bring harm not only to you and to your children, but also to any guy in whom you might appear to be interested.

Ongoing counseling for you and your children will take a long, long time. Even if they are all pre-schoolers, and even if your abuse wasn’t in their presence, they know, and they’ll have an underriding fear for you and for themselves. Keep their healthy mental and emotional development your #1 priority.

If they begin to verbally wish that they “have a daddy, too,” or if they’re young enough that they ask some friendly neighbor or guy in a store to be their dad, then there should be less of a problem, and perhaps no problem, in introducing a man to them, but only if you sincerely believe that you might marry him.

Please don’t consider sex as part of your definition of “a relationship.” This next time, you need a man who puts helping you to heaven as his #1 earthly priority.

Prayers and best wishes to you.
 
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@Minks thank you for your response and prayers. My children are not preschool age. One is almost a teenager and one is 8. They did witness their fathers abuse.

I am not actively looking to date but there is part of me that would like a relationship. This was not the case when I first left but over time that has changed slightly.

The reality is now isn’t the ideal time for a relationship. I realise that I am in the process of healing. I am not looking at this friendship as anything other than what it is. I’m not thinking that I am in love with this guy but am thinking perhaps over time a positive relationship will form with this guy.
 
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I was a single mum with a 4 year old when I started dating a guy from church. I introduced him to my son properly (they’d already chatted briefly a number of times at church) when I felt sure and we went for a day out at an adventure playground where we focused on him. The day was perfect. A few months later,
while my son was at my ex’s, we went away for 2 nights and my son FaceTimed me quite a few number of times, with my ex talking in the background and getting involved. My bf found this hard to deal with and we almost broke up there and then. Anyway, he learned to accept it is what it is and we are now married with a son of our own. All I’m saying is, make sure that this guy is fully aware of what he’d be taking on. Kids are a big responsibility and they need stability more than anyone.
 
Before giving advise I have some questions. I was a single mother raising kids so I do have some experience. 1. How long after leaving your boyfriend did you meet the new guy online? 2. Are you still living in a safe house? Are you or your kids receiving any professional help as a result of the abuse?
 
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