First of all thank you for your response, I would love to have someone help me understand this “emotional affair” business. Some people would lead me to believe that sitting in a coworker’s office talking would constitute an “emotional affair”. If an emotional discussion means a great deal to me, that doesn’t meant that the other person is affected the same way that I am. They may have these types of discussions all of the time.
you seem to want to blame the “unresponsive” spouse
I don’t feel like I cast blame on the “unresponsive” spouse, but I feel very stongly that many people cast blame on the hurting spouse who needs emotional/spiritual support. This seems to be a way to make the “unresponsive” spouse become the “victim” and not have to address the problem at all. No one is perfect and we all have to admit that to ourselves.
I would have to say both spouses share the burden of this problem in a marriage. If I were to blame anyone, the blame would be based on how the couple works to resolve the problems that they are having. If one spouse will not work to resolve the problem - then that is the spouse who would carry the burden of blame. Whether it be the emotionally “unresponsive” spouse who will not try to grow and learn how to meet the emotional needs of their spouse or if its the sensitive “needy” spouse who would rather just go to a friend. In many cases, friends of the same sex can be just as damaging to a marriage as friends of the opposite sex.
The term Emotional affairs is very confusing to me, I think its a misleading pairing of words.
My first question is - what is a good friendship if its not an “emotional affair”? Whether my good friend is the same sex as me or not, friendships can be very emotional. Especially the closer that you become to that person. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. (I do understand how it could be hard on a marriage if a woman were to become closer to another man than she is to her husband. But does that mean that the husband doesn’t have to try to be closer to his wife? Wouldn’t that just be a symptom of a problem that the couple needs to work on?)
I have a hard time with this because I internalize things very much and so this “emotional affair” talk makes me afraid that I will be pulling married people into trouble - just by talking to them. Mainly I have one friend who I love to talk to and I don’t want to cause that person any problems.
Seriously, if someone is sharing emotional parts of themselves to a level of intimacy that should be reserved for there spouse alone, then they are doing something gravely wrong. It is not “the same” as having a physical affair, but it can cause damage to the spousal relationship and sometimes leads to a physical affair.
Where are these lines that call out “a level of intimacy that should be reserved for their spouse alone”? I don’t get that at all. How would people know what others share with their spouses? I have different types of conversations with about every different person that I talk to. What are they talking about that is sooo deadly to a marriage? (and give me some credit - I understand that flirting and sexual discussions are off limits
)
Any light to shed on this for me??
Terry
