Dating - How Long?

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patty

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Morning,
I am 26 years old about to be 27. I have been dating the most wonderful girl for 9 months. She is 23. This Thanksgiving I asked her Mom if I could marry her, seeing as how both of us have said “I would love to marry you”. The other night her mother told her I was going to ask, which bothered me, but my girlfriend got scared and spoke with me. Said she wanted to wait and not rush into it. I was hoping to propose around a year and a half. Anyways, should I be concerned she is wanted to put it off? She has one year left of college, and I guess I just dont see why we should wait.

Thanks,
Patty
 
Well, I wouldn’t have bothered telling her mom…but that’s done now.

If you’re sure you want to marry her and have a plan in place for finances and stuff, then I’d go for it. No point waiting for years.
 
Have you asked your girlfriend why she wants to put it off and discussed it with her?
Is she perhaps concerned about needing to finish her college without the distraction of an impending wedding?
Does she just want to get to know you a little better?

9 months to me, myself, would seem to be too quick, yet my parents got engaged within a couple months of meeting each other and had a happy marriage. I always felt I would need to know the man for a few years first and indeed that is what happened in my case, although I am not saying that everybody needs to be like me.

It’s really important that you discuss this with your girlfriend and most importantly LISTEN to her and try to understand her feelings, without being impatient. At the same time, be realistic with her about how long you yourself are willing to wait for marriage.
 
Welcome to the forum!

There is no standard answer to this question. It all depends on the individuals—their age, station in life, personality, maturity, etc… It’s something the two of you will have to work through. I will say that you don’t need to give yourself a deadline, even if you previously had a time frame in mind.
 
I think she just doesn’t want two events at once in her life competing : last year in college and a wedding. But you should ask her why.
I personally would mind if I would hear it from my mom. Who is he marrying? Me or her? And it is already too homey like… we are not marrief yet and he is like part of my family. It’s just not as romantic as most of us envision it. Some say it’s the media influencing us but the reality is that the media know us, tested us, and know what we like.
 
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A year. It seems balanced to seriously date for a year, go through all of the seasons and holidays to help find out what meshes and what is a deal killer.
 
And travel together. See if we can do stuff in harmony or we are going to argue over which hotel and destination.
 
Agree, you never really know a person until you travel with them.
 
It’s okay to have an understanding before you have a formal engagement.

We dated for about two years while I finished undergrad. He was a graduating grad student from another school when we met. So we were a long-distance relationship, but for most of that period, we had an understanding that we were going to get married. (Not the dumb kind of “perpetual fiance” situation that a lot of people talk about these days, because they think “fiance” sounds better than “guy I’m living with”.) I graduated in May; he formally proposed and we got engaged in late July; and we married in November. But before I graduated, and before he proposed, he did go to my family and express his intentions-- maybe around Christmas before graduation?

You didn’t mention if she was 23 and in undergrad or grad school. Either way, let her wrap up what she’s started, and then let her work on getting a job and an income and see where life takes both of you, in case it uproots you as a couple and transplants y’all elsewhere. I know for us, things were a bit rocky at the start, because DH is six years older than me, and had been living on his own since he was 18. But me, I had never done things like run a household, or stick to a budget, or things like that. I had a lot of growing-up to do… I still have a lot of growing-up to do… 😛

So it’s okay to give her a little time to mature, while you guys get your respective lives organized. You have plenty to do during the course of the year she has between now and graduation-- working, saving money, getting experience, seeing what opportunities open up for both of you.
 
I think this is probably the type of discussion you need to have with your girlfriend, and not strangers on a forum. It doesn’t matter what we think the right amount of time spent dating is - the right amount of time is what is right for you and her, not you and us.

Navigating this issue will be a good test for navigating the tricky issues that come with marriage.
 
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