Dating Non-Catholics?

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Montie_Claunch

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I am in need of some advice. There is this girl I like that isn’t Catholic :love: , She likes me and that whole thing :dancing: . My boogle is the fact that she isn’t Catholic (Seventh-Day Adventist :bigyikes: ) and it is really getting to me, as I am sure one would understand. I know that one can get a special dispentation from ones local bishop for a marraige but, that is not the question. My inquiry is what course of action should be? Should I throw coaution to the wind or should I run away in fear? Seeing how I am the only Catholic in my family (well with the R.C.I.A. Classes easter I will be the only Catholic in my family) no one can really relate. I figured that someone here (scince ya’ll seem like fairly trust-worthy people) might have excperianced something simalar or know someone who did, and though you all might have some advice. Please!?!
 
I see nothing wrong with you continuing to date her as long as her beliefs do not influence yours. You can use it as an opportunity to share the Catholic faith with her and maybe someday she’ll convert. If you do choose to continue dating her be careful of how you share your faith with her. If she’s open to learning about Catholicism it’ll be much easier. However, if she’s defensive and has an attitude of wanting nothing to do with Catholicism it might require an indirect approach through prayer and sharing the faith by example.
 
Well, it depends upon whether or not she is even open to your faith. If she’s not, then I don’t think you’ll like my advice: Which is, that religious differences, though they may not seem important now and you might think that “love conquers all” anyway, WILL become a problem, especially when kids arrive. I know many, many couples who didn’t think that their religious differences would matter, and then when they had kids, all hell broke loose. And, mind you, these were smaller differences (Lutheran/Catholic, for example) ) than the SDA/ Catholic differences.

Quite apart from any conflict, there’s the major lack of companionship in an area of your life that is very important. You won’t be going to Mass together, or sharing a family Rosary, or going to Eucharistic Adoration, or any other devotion. It’ll be “his faith/her faith”.I married a Catholic, and though when we married we were pretty much fallen-away Catholics, we have both come back and our shared faith is the cement that makes our marriage strong, as well as being a source of grace and joy within the marriage. I am so thankful to God that I married a Catholic—oh, and I’ve been happily married for almost 20 years.
 
Montie Claunch:
I am in need of some advice. There is this girl I like that isn’t Catholic :love: , She likes me and that whole thing :dancing: . My boogle is the fact that she isn’t Catholic (Seventh-Day Adventist :bigyikes: ) and it is really getting to me, as I am sure one would understand. I know that one can get a special dispentation from ones local bishop for a marraige but, that is not the question. My inquiry is what course of action should be? Should I throw coaution to the wind or should I run away in fear? Seeing how I am the only Catholic in my family (well with the R.C.I.A. Classes easter I will be the only Catholic in my family) no one can really relate. I figured that someone here (scince ya’ll seem like fairly trust-worthy people) might have excperianced something simalar or know someone who did, and though you all might have some advice. Please!?!
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It’s not possible to give completely hard and fast advice but here are some things to thing about.

Do you consider this girl a potential marriage partner? Even if you are not currently ready to marry it makes sense to only date people you would actually marry.

You can like each other and not date. This goes for lots of situations. Not just ones where there are religious differences.

You can bring up your concerns to her before you ever ask her out. If you can’t talk to her then you may have other problems besides religion.

Do you know how committed she is to her beliefs? What about her family? If she’s going to want to convert you then yes, you should probably run. Don’t assume you can convert her.

Does she know you are going through R.C.I.A. ? What does she think about it?

You’ve already got to deal with the fact that you and your family won’t be sharing the same faith. Do you really want to complicate your life by adding another person who doesn’t?

I know those all sound like negatives. She may very well be “The One”. But keep in mind that the choices you make now which might not seems so important will make a difference 10 years from now when you are married with kids.

I married someone who wasn’t Catholic. He eventually became Catholic but things can be ackward when we visit his family or they visit us.
 
Well here is my advise from experience. I am and have been Catholic my whole life. I meet the most wonderful man in college ( my husband :love: ) we fell in love. Well he was not Catholic and in fact loathed the faith. Although we had always talked about it I felt that he was the one. So, we married. A few years later we were getting ready to have our first child, we would argue about how we were going to raise her. I never budged on changing my beliefs. She was born and he fell in love with her, he imedially wanted to baptiz her so she was introduced to the faith at three weeks. SO he was coming around then. We had our second son and also had him baptized with in a month. Now when our daughter was getting ready to go to school, he suggested only the best for her so Catholic school it was (his idea :eek: !) The same for my son. Now the guy who hated the Catholic reliegon wants to go to church with us (only if it is in a traditional church) And get this today he came home and announced that he will be attending a catholic class this fall at one of the local parishes. I keep praying without pushing and ten years after marriage he still isn’t a catholic but he is really close.

So I say if she is the one pray and stay strong it wont be all good and easy, but hey who ever said it would be?

Good Luck! 👍

Monica
 
Some SDAs also have VERY anti-Catholic beliefs. Does she? Does her family?
 
Since you are so new in your faith and do not have a support system, PROCEED WITH CAUTION! Date her for a very long time and do not let your feelings for her compromise God’s truth. It will be so hard to raise your children Catholic with no other Catholics in your family and her own family full of SDA’s. How do you explain to a child that mommy, her whole family and your whole family are wrong and to pray for them? And how sure is she of her own faith? I HATE it when couples decide they want to raise the kids “in both faiths” because all it does is teach them that all religions are exactly the same, so you don’t really need one at all. You are the best judge of how to live.
Anyhoo, my sister-in-law is very strong in her faith, but her husband and she moved away to be near his famiy up north. He isn’t Catholic and his whole family is anti-Catholic. All they do is antagonize her and her husband does nothing to defend her. She misses mass a lot because she has no support. This is no excuse for her, but it just goes to show how someone can be certain of God’s truth and still not be able to live up to Christ’s minimum standards because she chose the most difficult possible marriage situation. If she had dated her husband for a long time and not let emotions or anything else get in the way of living a Christian life, she would not be in this misery. Sorry for the long long rant, and i wish you luck. I will pray for her conversion, and i’m happy you have warm fuzzies for the time being anyway. 🙂
 
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MonicaC:
And get this today he came home and announced that he will be attending a catholic class this fall at one of the local parishes.

Monica
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Wow! This is quite a story! I guess your namesake St. Monica has been watching and praying for you!!
Congratulations, Monica, and I’ll be praying for you and your family.

God bless.
 
Yes, I do seek her help and guidance. Thank you I really appreacate your prayers.

Monica
 
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MonicaC:
Yes, I do seek her help and guidance. Thank you I really appreacate your prayers.

Monica
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MonicaC that is a great blessing. I too will pray.

As for the question in the original post:

3 of my uncles married women who were various Christian denominations. 2 of my aunts and even their parents converted to Catholicism (huge blessing). The other now attends a non-denominational church, but he is really struggling with a hole in his heart. He desperately wants his daughters to be raised Catholic and his wife to convert, but it caused many difficult arguments and therefore they settled on non-denominational.

My friend’s daughter started dating a Mormon and she came home one day announcing that she was converting to Mormonism. (In reality she already had, his parents convinced him it would be easier on her family if she told them after the fact!) Her boyfriend’s family heavily evangelized her. Her family did not realize the influence they were having; otherwise, they would have taken steps to bolster her faith. My friend is heart broken they did not see it coming.

There is no way to know how it will turn out. I know plenty of couples that have had major marital problems due to their separate beliefs, especially when their children come along. However, I have also seen the strength of my family’s faith convert my aunts and their parents, but we have a huge family with a strong faith that was the greatest witness to them.

I will pray for you decision.
 
When my wife and I were married I was a nominal Catholic and she was an Evangelical Christian. I ended up going with her to her Church and once in a while we would go to a Catholic Church, as deep down I had some misgivings about different things I heard in the Evangelical Church, non-denominational churches vary in their interpretations. There were some things that struck me as opinion being preached and the lack of clarity disturbed me.
(I didn’t like the idea of truth being relative)
As time went by we would go to the Evangelical Church more as we were more pulled in that direction. The more I went to the Non-Denominational church the more I started looking for truth and started studying. This was also because my brother started going to a pretty extreme fundamentalist\pentacostal church. He said some pretty crazy things about the Church and it made me curious enough to look into the Catholic Church.

I have typed out my story before so the point of all this is, once I started looking at the Catholic Church, that was when my marriage was the hardest. The stress it put on my marriage was terrible as my wife wanted nothing to do with the Catholic Church, there were family arguements with my brother, my sister-in-law who is Evangelical. A whole bunch of drama.

Finally after study, prayer and a lot of stress we finally came home to the Catholic Church, were married in the Church, and had our kids baptized at ages 3 and 5 years old. (evangelicals don’t usually baptize kids).

Becoming Catholic was the best thing we ever did, yet unfortunately for many people in similar situations you have to go through a lot to do it. It is worth it, but be prepared for some stressful times.

God Bless
Scylla
 
Montie,
I have a situation very similar to yours and I think it might be helpful if I were to share a little bit about my experience since I see that we’re about the same age.
About a year ago, I began dating a guy who is United Pentecostal.
Our religious differences did not seem to matter in the beginning at all. A month or two into the relationship, he really began to question me on my Catholic beliefs. Even though I’ve always been a practicing Catholic, I have not always been a strong Cathoilc. I found myself to be very naive, in fact, at that time I didn’t even know what apologetics were…
Anyways he invited me to attend service with him and I began going weekly. (I was still attending Sunday Mass too.) His pastor even set up a private bible study for just the 2 of us to attend every Saturday. After a few months of all this, I really began to study my faith and I knew the Catholic Church was where I needed to stay. I politely stopped going with him to services and studies.
I was doing everything in my power to be a good Cathoilc example and to share with him what I was learning, without pushing anything on him. Unfortunately, some non-Catholics don’t want to hear anything about the Catholic Church.
Recently, he met with his pastor and pastor flat out told him that if he wanted to remain a part of the music ministry at the church (he’s in their worship band) he could not be dating a Catholic.
I was basically given an ultimatum to either convert or stop dating him. It has been hard to end a good relationship but I couldn’t leave behind what I believe is truth for something I know isn’t.
As of now, we’re still very close friends but it has been very difficult being in a relationship with a non-Catholic.

If you do decide to date this girl, get to know her first. Find out if she’d even be willing to learn a little bit about Catholicism.
You don’t know for sure what will happen, maybe it will go well and you can learn together…Pray about it!
You’ll be in my prayers and good-luck!
 
O.K. I subtly asked and she doesn’t seem to be a big time into Adventism (nor her siblings), her mother seems to be a “good” adventist (havn’t meet her Father yet though from what I understand he is not adventist at all) though much to my displeasure her maternal grandparents seem to be of the deep end (though the Grandfather whom I know rather well seems to be a reasonable person). How would I be best in the being a “good example of Catholism”? I have only tried the two extremes of examples, utterly avoiding the subject or the “take the whole world on” attitude and pretty much seen only the same in dealing with relgion(at least in Catholic/Protestant relations).Thanks with the help.
 
Here is a good example, read the Bible, learn your faith more and more, treat her and her family with respect. Enjoy the chance you have to have a relationship with her and her family.

All the usual stuff, but be aware that anytime you are around them be true to your faith. Many times people will be extra critical, looking for things that stand out.

When I started looking into Catholicism, anything I did even before I came back to the Church was brought up to show that I was a bad influence to my wife. Whatever could be shown to prove I was not sincere and just doing something wrong was dredged up to “prove” me wrong.

So it does take some caution, I am not saying that her family is like that, but we should live our faith.

“Preach the gospel always and if necessary use words”
(I am guessing at that quote of Saint Francis)

God Bless
Scylla
 
Montie Claunch:
O.K. I subtly asked and she doesn’t seem to be a big time into Adventism (nor her siblings), her mother seems to be a “good” adventist (havn’t meet her Father yet though from what I understand he is not adventist at all) though much to my displeasure her maternal grandparents seem to be of the deep end (though the Grandfather whom I know rather well seems to be a reasonable person). How would I be best in the being a “good example of Catholism”? I have only tried the two extremes of examples, utterly avoiding the subject or the “take the whole world on” attitude and pretty much seen only the same in dealing with relgion(at least in Catholic/Protestant relations).Thanks with the help.
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Montie,

Why did you have to ask “subtly”? If you can’t talk openly and forthrightly about something as essential and important as one’s religious faith, then you have much, much bigger problems than you think you do. Nor does it have to be the two extremes of either avoiding it entirely or going at it full force. I don’t know how to tell you to be the “best” Catholic you can be, other than to live your faith fully. If you do do, somehow it just gets out that one is Catholic, without having to bash someone over the head with it. If you hear a good homily at Mass, mention it if it was something that you reflected on a lot. Pray before meals, making the sign of the cross. I don’t really know what to tell you: all I know is that people figure out that I’m a Catholic pretty soon without me having to make a big deal of it.
 
Montie Claunch:
O.K. I subtly asked and she doesn’t seem to be a big time into Adventism (nor her siblings), her mother seems to be a “good” adventist (havn’t meet her Father yet though from what I understand he is not adventist at all) though much to my displeasure her maternal grandparents seem to be of the deep end (though the Grandfather whom I know rather well seems to be a reasonable person). How would I be best in the being a “good example of Catholism”? I have only tried the two extremes of examples, utterly avoiding the subject or the “take the whole world on” attitude and pretty much seen only the same in dealing with relgion(at least in Catholic/Protestant relations).Thanks with the help.
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Many times non-Catholics have very strange ideas about what Catholics believe and what kind of people they must be. While we Cathlics obviously have some terribly important differences with Adventists, they are not always the differences that people think they are. Sometimes the most important witness we can give is just to be polite and to show that you are a nice, reasonable human being. Don’t hide the fact that you are Catholic but there’s probably not a lot of reason to bring it up at this point. If her family does, then you can answer their questions.

If this relationship is destined to continue there will be plenty of time down the road to have more indepth discussions. My advice is to look at this young woman and her family as they are now, not as you would like them to be someday.
 
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Sherlock:
Quite apart from any conflict, there’s the major lack of companionship in an area of your life that is very important. You won’t be going to Mass together, or sharing a family Rosary, or going to Eucharistic Adoration, or any other devotion. It’ll be “his faith/her faith”.
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My mother was Catholic, my father a lukewarm lutheran. We were baptised Catholics and attended Catholic School. My father helped us learn our Baltimore Cathechism. He had been educated in a Lutheran Parochial school. Married for forty plus years mom and dad loved each other, cared for each other, cared for us kids. My dads mother was a fallen away Catholic cum Lutheran. She was a good grandma. but constantly sniped at us Catholics. When we would visit on Friday, she would intentionally serve meat and like that. My dad never converted, he never interfered in my mothers faith life, but likewise he never shared it. My mom always said up until she died, that despite the love and good family life she always regretted that she and dad could not share their faith. It was a sadness that prevented her from having total satisfaction with their marriage. When I was in school some of the Sisters taught us that it was wise to date only those of ones own faith because invariably you will marry someone you date. If you date outside the faith you risk falling in love with someone with whom you cannot fully share your faith. It may seem a small thing, but over a lifetime can bring a lot of sadness if not real pain. To date with the altruistic idea that you can expose your dates to the true faith is in my opinion an excuse to justify that behavior. Not a wise decision when you think that the primary goal of marriage is to love each other into heaven.
 
Peace be with you!

I am lucky enough to have found a good Catholic girl:love: (hopefully it works out for the best), but a good friend of ours is with someone who isn’t Catholic (I believe he’s Baptist). So far things are going great with them–he comes to our club meetings and even came to Mass with us once.

In Christ,
Rand
 
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