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JimG
Guest
Don’t get stuck in the texting zone.
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0Scarlett_nidiyilii
Guest
This is good advice for all our relationships, not just dating 
Tis_Bearself
Patron
It took her several weeks to ask? It would have taken me about three days and if possible I would have gone straight to dude’s house and confronted him in person and not fooled around with reindeer games texting.
This sort of thing makes me really glad I’m probably done with relationships for all time. I can’t believe the immaturity of some people who can’t just be straight up and tell you what’s what. You would think it was 1979 and we’re all back in school waiting to see if some guy will telephone us. Phooey on that!
This sort of thing makes me really glad I’m probably done with relationships for all time. I can’t believe the immaturity of some people who can’t just be straight up and tell you what’s what. You would think it was 1979 and we’re all back in school waiting to see if some guy will telephone us. Phooey on that!
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Aquinas11
Guest
Tells you everything. Don’t ignore red flags. And if we ignore red flags and they’re confirmed, we can’t blame anyone.
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PetraG
Guest
He “struggled with commitment”? They’d been dating a matter of weeks, right?
Who expects to know whether a relationship is headed in a permanent direction in a matter of weeks? Some couples do. Sometimes, though, one person or the other doesn’t. It can happen that fast, but it doesn’t always work that way.
I think it is better to have the policy that while you’re looking for an exclusive relationship you don’t assume that you have an exclusive thing going with a man until a fellow you want to be exclusive with actually comes to an explicit agreement with you to be exclusive. In the meantime, what ought to be clear is that neither one of you should be shocked to find you’ve been scooped by someone who is ready and willing to pursue a good thing when they see it.
Honestly, that means saying that you’re busy once in awhile. It means being busy once in awhile, being open to finding someone else. One of the things that makes people “struggle with commitment” is when they think they can take the interest someone has in them for granted. If that interest is something they realize they can lose without much notice, people who want to be taken seriously tend to take things more seriously. Those who don’t deserve to be taken seriously lose out pretty quickly.
There is a saying in French, “En amour, il y a toujours celui qui donne les baisers et celui qui tend la joue.” (In love, there is always the one who gives the kisses and the one who gives the cheek.)
Well, if you’re always the one that gives the kisses from the first day, you’re going to find yourself in that place in the relationship every time. You will be taken for granted by those who “struggle with commitment.” If you want to be the one who gives the cheek and accepts the kiss once in awhile, you can’t always be the one offering the kiss.
Having said that, the texts that fellow was getting were on matters that shouldn’t be texted, but he needed to be decent and make a phone call, even if to say, “I think you have a need to get serious that is a lot faster than I’m comfortable with. I would love to keep seeing you from time to time, but you should feel free to pursue other men, too, because as much as I like you I’m not ready to make any guarantees yet and so I wouldn’t feel right holding you back.”
Who expects to know whether a relationship is headed in a permanent direction in a matter of weeks? Some couples do. Sometimes, though, one person or the other doesn’t. It can happen that fast, but it doesn’t always work that way.
I think it is better to have the policy that while you’re looking for an exclusive relationship you don’t assume that you have an exclusive thing going with a man until a fellow you want to be exclusive with actually comes to an explicit agreement with you to be exclusive. In the meantime, what ought to be clear is that neither one of you should be shocked to find you’ve been scooped by someone who is ready and willing to pursue a good thing when they see it.
Honestly, that means saying that you’re busy once in awhile. It means being busy once in awhile, being open to finding someone else. One of the things that makes people “struggle with commitment” is when they think they can take the interest someone has in them for granted. If that interest is something they realize they can lose without much notice, people who want to be taken seriously tend to take things more seriously. Those who don’t deserve to be taken seriously lose out pretty quickly.
There is a saying in French, “En amour, il y a toujours celui qui donne les baisers et celui qui tend la joue.” (In love, there is always the one who gives the kisses and the one who gives the cheek.)
Well, if you’re always the one that gives the kisses from the first day, you’re going to find yourself in that place in the relationship every time. You will be taken for granted by those who “struggle with commitment.” If you want to be the one who gives the cheek and accepts the kiss once in awhile, you can’t always be the one offering the kiss.
Having said that, the texts that fellow was getting were on matters that shouldn’t be texted, but he needed to be decent and make a phone call, even if to say, “I think you have a need to get serious that is a lot faster than I’m comfortable with. I would love to keep seeing you from time to time, but you should feel free to pursue other men, too, because as much as I like you I’m not ready to make any guarantees yet and so I wouldn’t feel right holding you back.”
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Irishmom2
Guest
It sounds like she was more “into” him than he to her. A little more patience may have helped the relationship. Instead, she had “to know” right now, and he was obviously not there yet.
Maybe he would have been, but she will never know.
I thought the checking up on him with mutual friends thing sounded a bit stalkerish, especially the way she said “of course, I…” About doing it. It’s one thing to run into someone and mention you are dating to see what they say. It’s another to purposefully contact people if that is what she did.
Impatient.
Maybe he would have been, but she will never know.
I thought the checking up on him with mutual friends thing sounded a bit stalkerish, especially the way she said “of course, I…” About doing it. It’s one thing to run into someone and mention you are dating to see what they say. It’s another to purposefully contact people if that is what she did.
Impatient.
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PetraG
Guest
I totally checked up on men I dated with mutual friends. My rule was that if their friends didn’t like me and I didn’t like them, that wasn’t going to work: He was meant for someone else. I did not want to be coming between a guy and his closest friends! A guy’s friends reflect who he is and who he wants to be, and I don’t think it is right to treat people as fixer-uppers. There is enough adjustment to do even if you really hit it off with someone and admire them. You should never ask him to be someone he’s not to please you. As it was, mutual friends set me up with my husband, and they knew the two of us pretty well!
If a guy’s friends like you and yet tell you that you ought to keep looking, oh, for heaven’s sake…keep looking!! They’re trying to keep you out of a trainwreck involving their friend!! Listen to them!!!
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Tis_Bearself
Patron
Yeah, it’s a good idea to check with a guy’s friends to make sure he’s being honest with you.
When my dad started asking my mom out, she definitely checked up on him with mutual friends because she was sure that he must have a wife somewhere, or maybe an ex-wife. He was in his late 30s and on a business trip, and her experience was that guys his age on a business trip had wives back home. In fact, the guy who introduced the two of them was married and cheating on his own wife with some other girl, and Mom knew that.
When my dad started asking my mom out, she definitely checked up on him with mutual friends because she was sure that he must have a wife somewhere, or maybe an ex-wife. He was in his late 30s and on a business trip, and her experience was that guys his age on a business trip had wives back home. In fact, the guy who introduced the two of them was married and cheating on his own wife with some other girl, and Mom knew that.
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