Dealing with A Difficult Person

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franklin

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Continuing the discussion from Being patient with an entitled church friend:

I promised myself that I wouldn’t talk about this or think about this any longer. At this point, however, I really feel like I need to vent about this as it’s really beginning to take a toll on my psyche.

So, in the linked post, I mentioned this so-called “friend” who kept mooching off of me at every chance and how he often behaved rather condescendingly towards me (i.e. talking down to me, ordering me around, demanding stuff, not paying back). For several months, I completely forgot about him and vowed to limit contact.

I recently relocated to SF for a new job and before I moved, this person (I never bothered telling him) got wind of the fact that I was moving and sent me a text expressing how upset he was about my relocation. (Apparently I have to consult my friends before I make such decisions). I saw him again in person when I went to say good-bye to my friends at the young adult group that I’m a part of and the first thing out of his mouth is a question of whether I made this decision to move myself or if someone else made this decision for me. I was so stressed with the move itself at the time that I just ignored his question.

While everyone said good-bye and was wishing me well/promised to pray for me, this fellow never even bothered to say good-bye and just disappeared without ever saying anything (outside of that one question he asked) even though he did see me. After my move, I’ve come to the realization (more and more) that he was never my friend to begin with and saw me as useful only if he could get stuff from me. I was foolish enough to be generous thinking that I should be especially good to fellow Catholic young adults vs. my secular friends who have treated me with a hundred times more respect.

What I really don’t get from all this is how can someone be this inconsiderate (especially from someone who loves to advertise/trumpet the fact that he is a Christian)? I’ve never met someone (outside of maybe one or two other people) so egregiously self-centered in my life. As much as I’d like to love, forgive, forget, let go and not be offended (and ultimately pray for this individual), this whole experience with this person honestly did leave me upset and with a bitter taste in my mouth. I was hoping to forget about if but even after some time, some indignation persists. Is this starting to become an issue of me just being unloving/unforgiving, judging and not accepting?
 
Just be glad that you moved. If you still need to vent, then see a therapist or your priest for persons to vent to and get beyond this issue.
 
Just tell him the truth about how you feel by texting him. It is easier that way. And if he rebuked, respond by saying, “Peace be with you,” or “I shall pray for you.” Then forgive him. Remember, everybody is born good. But the devil has grabbed your friend. Hate the devil but not your friend.
 
Just get on with your life! I’m guessing that you’ll be making new friends, getting involved with your new job, etc. If he starts calling you, just be busy. (Not suggesting you lie…just keep making new friends, having new experiences.) I’m guessing the problem will work itself out. If it doesn’t, do as the previous poster says-see a priest or therapist. Once this ‘friend’ realizes he can no longer take advantage of you, he will move on. Good luck in your new home and job. God Bless!
 
franklin said:
I was hoping to forget about if but even after some time, some indignation persists. Is this starting to become an issue of me just being unloving/unforgiving, judging and not accepting?
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Is this the crux of your post? You can work on forgiving the person and still realize their actions were wrong. It is easier to say forget about it than to actually do it, but that might be a goal. Meet new friends, enjoy your new job and city. Learn the lesson that not everyone is as unselfish as you think.
 
Sounds like a Narc.

YouTube has spiritual insights into these “ people “.
 
If you believe in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit, Our Lady and all the angels and saints, and what their existence means to you…as taught in the gospels, then why are you so unbalanced by this? You must know that your life is an open book to God, He is aware of your days, hours and minutes intimately.

Just ask for help to be able to deal with your temporary worldly concern and move on sure in the knowledge that you will be assisted.
 
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It’s time to let this go. You can’t change the past. You’re in a new location with a new job. Just block your “friend’s” email and phone number.
 
Two monks were on a journey and came to a river that they had to ford. On the riverbank there was an old, lame woman who could not make it across the river safely on her own and begged the monks to carry her across. The senior monk lifted the old lady onto his back, and carried her across the river, accompanied by the junior monk. All the way across the river the old lady scolded the monk who was carrying her, complaining that he wasn’t holding her comfortably and the water was wetting her clothes and the crossing was taking too long and the monk needed to hurry up as she had to be on her way. The senior monk bore all of this patiently, without saying a word. When the monks reached the opposite bank, the senior monk set the old woman down and she rushed off, muttering, without so much as a “thank you.”

The two monks then continued on their way in silence. The junior monk was frowning and seemed troubled, but said nothing. Finally, an hour and a couple of miles later, the junior monk burst out, “How could you let that old woman abuse you like that? After all you did to help her. She was so ungrateful! Why didn’t you just give her a piece of your mind? I wish you had dropped her in the river, that would have taught her a lesson in how to treat other people.”

The senior monk said, “I put the old woman down an hour ago. You are still carrying her.”
 
Venting is not really a good thing. It’s a pleasurable act.
 
franklin said:
. I was hoping to forget about if but even after some time, some indignation persists. Is this starting to become an issue of me just being unloving/unforgiving, judging and not accepting?
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My symathies Franklin As Seagull said, your 'friend ’ sounds like a narcissist. You’ve done the first half, which is - Walk away - The second half is - Don’t look back !
 
franklin said:
how can someone be this inconsiderate
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We don’t know what things haunt people from their past: family of origin, insecurity, hurts by friends in the past, learned behaviors, mental illness, personality disorder, neuro-atypical traits.

You just won’t know, but put it in the most charitable light and pray for him.
 
I feel for you, learning to let go is a hard skill to develop. Trust me, I have spent decades trying and still not fully there. Praying for you
 
Your questions sounds a bit like “why are people jerks”. And there are a million reasons, excuses, explanations.

I think your best take away from this is that some people ARE going to be more worried about themselves than about you. So, consider it a lesson learned and valuable information to apply to other potential friends in the future so you can hopefully avoid as many of them as possible.

Pray for forgiveness, consciously make the decision, every time it comes up, to stop thinking of this person and let time put distance between you and this event. Remember that forgiveness does not mean you have to like this person,or reconcile with them. You can forgive AND still put them behind you. In fact, I would say that is the healthiest thing you can do right now.
 
Thanks everyone! This is such a great community of faith and I always get great insights/tidbits of wisdom from everyone here. I’ve literally not had this issue affect me over the past three days as I’ve really taken everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut to heart. Much appreciated. You guys/gals are very much helping me in my ever so gradual growth in holiness.

Also, on my morning commute to work, I’ve tried to make it a habit of praying the rosary. Just reflecting on the mysteries these past few days (namely, the Joyful and Sorrowful mysteries), I was able to put this issue into its proper context. For instance, I could only imagine Our Lady’s tiring journey from Nazareth to Hebron to bring divine grace/service to Elizabeth (the Visitation - Joyful Mysteries) and how I am equally called to endure hardships (obstacles/tiredness) in my witness to others. Additionally, reflecting on Christ’s passion (the Crucifixion - Sorrowful Mysteries) and how He forgave despite the insults and abuse, I realized how many times I haven’t been as good/charitable (and downright awful) to others and how despite me complaining about this issue, I should truly pray for this person.

Thanks again everyone! God Bless!
 
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