Dealing with a substance abuser

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oddmaude

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I hope to draw upon the wisdom and experience of others who have been in a similar situation. My youngest brother is in his late 20s, in a professional position, is confused when it comes to God and faith, has had trouble finding the right woman and, punctuating all of this is the fact that his greatest interest (which has steadily grown over the past five years or so) is marijuana.

I’ve already had a lot of experience with substance abusers in my extended family, among friends and most recently with my own ex-spouse. I’ve been to Al-Anon, done a lot of reading and consulting with professionals and believe I am pretty well-informed. None of that matters, however, when you are watching someone you love heading down a train tunnel straight into the path of a speeding train.

In the past few days we’ve had a couple of difficult communications by e-mail, prompted by the drug-related death of an acquaintance of mine - a guy who was a lot like my brother in many ways.

No amount of logic or reason can penetrate his denial. He is terribly proud of himself because he has so thoroughly researched the whole topic and has concluded that it’s a wonderful, harmless" hobby," an opinion which is now being reinforced by the legalization of pot in two states - where he now intends to move, putting him considerably farther away from our entire family.

I am at a loss. Talk more about it? Don’t talk about it at all? He is firmly in denial that there is any problem, despite the fact that all of his major life decisions are being made on the basis of pot being his priority. I’m weary, depressed and also growing resentful because I know he sneaks off to get stoned when he’s home on visits and although I have always made my relationship with my siblings a high priority in my life, I’m taking a back seat to pot.

How, how, how can I remain close to him to be a source of God’s love as well as support if he gets into trouble or decides to seek treatment without giving the impression I’m indifferent or even endorsing this really bad lifestyle choice?
 
I’ve seen substance abusers who have been arrested different times and more STILL be in denial. It’s unbelievable, boggles the mind!

For the record, I have been opposed to the legalization of marijuana, predicting it would backfire. We’ll see what happens with this. People already seem to be jumping on the bandwagon, thinking if it’s legal, it’s good!

I wish I knew what to advise. I’ll say a prayer for you and your family.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :gopray:
 
Pot never killed anyone and doesn’t seem to be impacting his professional life negatively so maybe you should let it be? Voicing your opinion and then butting out sounds best for everyone involved.
 
Look, here is the deal.

You know from Alanon that you cannot make him do anything.

marijuana, like alcohol, can be used by some people with impunity. Others, like myself, cannot use it.

I have no idea if he is like me or not…the reality is you can only love him and pray for him.

I would also not get into a car with him when he has been smoking dope anymore than I would get into a car with someone who insists on driving after 2 drinks.

They do not have to be alcoholics or drug addicts to be impaired drivers.

Hang in there, my friend…he knows where you are if he needs you.
 
Tonynot said:
Pot never killed anyone and doesn’t seem to be impacting his professional life negatively so maybe you should let it be? Voicing your opinion and then butting out sounds best for everyone involved.
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Haven’t heard of dabbing, have we? The pot users are raving over it:
blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2013/03/medical_marijuana_overdose_dabbing.php
The ones on our local news seemed to think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I think it will be what turns back the latest willingness to utterly decriminalize marijuana. This product is very bad news.

Do not assume the OP doesn’t know an abuser or addict when she sees one, BTW. Many alcoholics and addicts figure out how to continue holding down a job.
 
oddmaude said:

“He is firmly in denial that there is any problem, despite the fact that all of his major life decisions are being made on the basis of pot being his priority.”

Yeah. There seems to be a lot of denial among marijuana users as to the fact that they are in fact addicted and that it is in fact altering their behavior.

What I always wonder is, if it’s so harmless 1) why are users so obsessive about it? and 2) why can’t they quit? 3) why the daily use? I was talking to my husband about this, and as we noted, we don’t do even very pleasurable things every single night–we vary our activities. When there’s only one thing you do for fun, there’s something wrong.

The following thread is what set off that discussion:

dearwendy.com/my-husband-wont-quit-smoking-weed/

I don’t have any practical advice for you, but I think you are right that there is a problem. You aren’t being crazy.

And for you pot-lovers on the forum, ask yourself, if it’s not affecting me, why can’t I live without it?
 
Many addicts/alcoholics justify their use by pointing out the fact that they still have a job, when the job is actually one of the last things to “go”.

If you ask the families of still-working addicts/alcoholics if everything is alright because the addict is “still working” you will certainly get a different answer!

The addict/alcoholic is always the last one to know (or realize) they have a problem. Everyone knows long before they do (or will admit).
 
Dabbing is just as safe, don’t believe your local news scare tactics that exist to keep the war on drugs going while we pay to incarcerate thousands of non-violent criminals for things like this. I’m not a fan of using it of course, but it’s about as harmless as caffeine and we now have the science to back it up.

It’s all about moderation and responsibility, and again it sounds like it’s not making him homeless or having money issues so what’s the difference between this and alcohol?(besides legality which is slowly changing to reflect science across the globe of course)

Personal responsibility seems to have gone away and now it seems as if those who get their news from the television or corporate outlets have bad information and don’t rely on facts but scare tactics. It’s the person’s choice to put what they want in their body, let them make mistakes and learn from them because it has nothing to do with you.
EasterJoy said:
Haven’t heard of dabbing, have we? The pot users are raving over it:
blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2013/03/medical_marijuana_overdose_dabbing.php
The ones on our local news seemed to think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. I think it will be what turns back the latest willingness to utterly decriminalize marijuana. This product is very bad news.

Do not assume the OP doesn’t know an abuser or addict when she sees one, BTW. Many alcoholics and addicts figure out how to continue holding down a job.
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Tonynot said:

“It’s all about moderation and responsibility, and again it sounds like it’s not making him homeless or having money issues so what’s the difference between this and alcohol?”

So, there’s no substance abuse problem up until he’s homeless or hitting the family up for cash? That’s setting the bar for success pretty low.

Imagine if a guy you knew was always creeping off from family events to drink and was choosing where to live on proximity to cheap bars (which is more or less what he is doing)–don’t you think that a guy whose major life decisions are based on alcohol is an alcoholic?
 
oddmaude, I feel your pain. I’ve been through the marijuana addiction saga with my 21 year old son.

The thing with marijuana is really ‘know thy enemy’. It uses a different portal into the person than other drugs like alcohol and chemicals. Marijuana is like the organic version of a lying manipulator. It is like a cult leader or sociopath. If you listen to the devotees of marijuana, their language is even like that of cult members regarding their ‘leader’ as a Christ like saviour to be defended against despotic government and the government controlled medical fraternity and government controlled media. Blah, blah, blah I learned eventually to not even engage in debate with that part of my sons brainwashed rubbish.

Work is the last thing to go because they need money to buy the rubbish. It’s surprisingly expensive to fund the ‘harmless little hobby’. My son crashed when he had to stop work and was hospitalised for suicide watch. (All good now)

Even now that he is ‘clean’ (I hope and pray), he still believes it is harmless for others and they should have the right to have it legal. Unfortunately his friends still smoke it.

You do have to continue to make it known that it is unacceptable around you and your home and that you pray that he will see the light eventually. If he succumbs to it in a critical way before that happens, be there to provide help but always with strict boundaries about its use in your presence and the necessity of professional help at the same time.

Unfortunately with the internet, you have no end of cult devotees sprouting their propaganda aimed at discrediting everything you and the rest of the sane have to contribute to saving loved ones from their toxic brainwashing so all you can do is make your position known when you can and be their with your strict rules when they crash.
 
LongingSoul said:

“If you listen to the devotees of marijuana, their language is even like that of cult members regarding their ‘leader’ as a Christ like saviour to be defended against despotic government and the government controlled medical fraternity and government controlled media.”

Yep.
 
Tonynot said:
Dabbing is just as safe, don’t believe your local news scare tactics that exist to keep the war on drugs going while we pay to incarcerate thousands of non-violent criminals for things like this. I’m not a fan of using it of course, but it’s about as harmless as caffeine and we now have the science to back it up.

It’s all about moderation and responsibility, and again it sounds like it’s not making him homeless or having money issues so what’s the difference between this and alcohol?(besides legality which is slowly changing to reflect science across the globe of course)

Personal responsibility seems to have gone away and now it seems as if those who get their news from the television or corporate outlets have bad information and don’t rely on facts but scare tactics. It’s the person’s choice to put what they want in their body, let them make mistakes and learn from them because it has nothing to do with you.
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People drink alcohol in sub-intoxicating amounts. Tell me who ever smokes pot, except to feel stoned? Nobody. And no, dabbing is not just as safe; do not even go out on that flimsy limb. Even California NORML, a marijuana advocacy group, says so:
canorml.org/news/warnings_on_cannabis_butane_extractions_and_dabbing
When people who advocate for responsible pot use say it isn’t just as safe, bet that it isn’t.

No, dabbing it what makes it possible to overdose on pot. Even if it did not add that previously-unknown danger to pot use, the practice is where flammable solvents of varying and totally unappreciated toxicities meet pot heads. That is a bad combination, let’s be blunt, because habitual pot use does not exactly enhance critical thinking skills as it is. Adding neurotoxic solvents will not help them. Putting them in a situation where their carelessness can cause house fires and explosions will not help them. It is also a very fast high, and those who have tried it attest to this most enthusiastically. The people working in emergency departments are understandably less thrilled about this development in pot use, it is safe to say that. It is less safe even if you only take the view of the fire fighters!!

Personal responsibility is exactly what pot-smoking does not promote. Some people who have it do manage to keep it while maintaining a low level of pot use, but many others have seen their level of personal responsibility drop like a rock when they started using this particular drug. (I know some of them, and they told me; I am not making this up from my own outside perceptions alone.) The Surgeon General of the United States uses the term “amotivational syndrome” (cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/00001143.htm) and if you have never seen it, you don’t know very many habitual pot users, or even listed to their own description of the effect pot use has on them. So while I am willing to believe that there may be practical societal reasons to de-criminalize marijuana or to give it a look as a medical agent, caffeine it is not and caffeine it never will be, nor will it ever be as innocuous as the solvent found in vanilla extract.

Caffeine, in contrast, is the Greatest Addiction Ever. 😃
youtube.com/watch?v=OTVE5iPMKLg
 
I’m having lots of thoughts and at the moment I’m not quite sure how to put them into words.

I am not interested in having the same debate here that I’m having with my brother, nor am I interested in watching that debate play out between others.

What I was hoping for was someone like LongingSoul, who has dealt with a substance abuser very close to them, and getting some feedback on how they balanced being a source of Christ’s love while not compromising their values or enabling substance abuse.

I am looking for practical advice like how to establish boundaries (no, I would never get into a car with him driving, but do I go so far as to say he can’t ever be around me if he’s stoned, which is what I’d like to do?) and look at this pragmatically rather than through the lens of fear. That is the help I am asking for. Surely there must be others out there with an addicted close relative who have walked or are walking this path.
 
oddmaude said:

“What I was hoping for was someone like LongingSoul, who has dealt with a substance abuser very close to them, and getting some feedback on how they balanced being a source of Christ’s love while not compromising their values or enabling substance abuse.”

The problem is that the sibling relationship is kind of “optional.” We don’t have to deal with siblings unless we want to, so if you take too hard and disapproving a line, you may never hear from him again.

On the other hand, say nothing and you may find yourself in deep trouble if you’re driving him and get stopped by police and he has pot found on him, or if you’re hosting him in your home and he’s found with pot on him (“That’s not my marijuana!” sounds really lame, no matter how true it is). There are pretty much endless possibilities for inconvenience and danger in this situation. I would be tempted to suggest not driving with him, even with you as a driver and not hosting him in your home. Insist on meeting him on neutral turf.
 
It’s just hard/impossible to have a real relationship with somebody who is not fully available or present.
 
If you can’t listen to differing opinions then I’m fairly certain whatever you do won’t matter to your brother. The biggest recommendation I can make it to actually study the anatomical impact and history of the drug before making a decision you may regret in a few years when it becomes more socially acceptable.

Plus remember, a substance abuser will only quit when they want to.
oddmaude said:
I’m having lots of thoughts and at the moment I’m not quite sure how to put them into words.

I am not interested in having the same debate here that I’m having with my brother, nor am I interested in watching that debate play out between others.

What I was hoping for was someone like LongingSoul, who has dealt with a substance abuser very close to them, and getting some feedback on how they balanced being a source of Christ’s love while not compromising their values or enabling substance abuse.

I am looking for practical advice like how to establish boundaries (no, I would never get into a car with him driving, but do I go so far as to say he can’t ever be around me if he’s stoned, which is what I’d like to do?) and look at this pragmatically rather than through the lens of fear. That is the help I am asking for. Surely there must be others out there with an addicted close relative who have walked or are walking this path.
Click to expand...
 
Tonynot said:
If you can’t listen to differing opinions then I’m fairly certain whatever you do won’t matter to your brother. The biggest recommendation I can make it to actually study the anatomical impact and history of the drug before making a decision you may regret in a few years when it becomes more socially acceptable.

Plus remember, a substance abuser will only quit when they want to.
Click to expand...
There’s lots of things that are socially acceptable that a person can abuse and become addicted to - alcohol and food come to mind instantly. Gambling is accepted by many. None of these substances or behaviors, on their own, are necessarily sinful for a Catholic to indulge in. But they can all be abused.

Unfortunately, you’re right that a person can’t be made to quit an addictive behavior. They have to want to. But friends and family are not required to enable that behavior until that person decides on their own to quit. Enabling actually may make it harder for that person to realize that they have a problem in the first place.
 
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