Dealing with Adultery

[Andrew7081]

My wife and I have been married 9 years. In those nine years she has cheated three times. The first time, in 2001, she admitted to kissing one of my best friends. I forgave her and we moved on. In 2007 to 2008, we met another couple and we started hanging out together. She became physically and romantically involved with the other man. I confronted her and she finally admitted it. She asked for another chance and I gave her one. The thing is she has never liked discussing why and what happened. She has always refused counseling and just wanted “to bury it” when I tried bringing it up. Fast forward to 2009. She has been seeing another man behind my back and they have almost had intercourse. Currently, she is denying anything when I ask her if she is seeing him. I am just so frustrated and don’t know what to do. I have consulted a priest who has asked me to give her another chance and try and work on things, but she won’t even admit anything for us to get the ball rolling. I am trying to do God’s will and stay married, but how can I if she won’t stop? Please pray for me. Any advice is more than welcome.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Oh, I’m sorry.

You know, adultery is a symptom of something wrong in a person, not in a marriage, always. Your wife sounds like she is searching for something outside of God and herself, to help her feel whole. I mean, 3 affairs? It’s not like it was one lack of judgement, and that’s it. It seems that she views these affairs as a means to helping her cope with something, something that she might have thought marriage could help her cope with. That said, adultery, unlike other ‘vices,’ DIRECTLY hurts those around the adulterer. I think that it’s incredibly humble and holy of you to wish to keep this marriage going, but if she refuses to get help and stop seeing these other men, your marriage will be one sided.

I would really discuss with her, that this can’t keep going on like this. She needs help, and you will be there for her, IF SHE STOPS AND GETS HELP. If she doesn’t want to stop…then you might have to make a very tough decision. She might tell you in words, that she wants to stop and that she loves you…but love is a verb. It requires action. I don’t see any other way for your marriage to move forward (if it can at this point) unless she stops and gets serious help. Praying for your marriage. *

 

[Nandarani]

Dear Andrew:

I will pray for you and agree with the reply you received completely.

ne

 

[manualman]

Oh ouch! Hopefully the priest you’ve found is experienced with such things and you’ve told him far more than you’ve told us here. If so, trust him more than anything anybody here says!

At some point, there comes a time when love must be tough. Jesus said we must forgive 70x7 times, but that is not the same thing as ENABLING your spouse to cheat again. Ask your priest how firm to be in demanding that your wife get counseling with you (or perhaps even apart). It might be time to put the foot down and make an ultimatum. But get professional advice on that - I’m NO professional.

 

[johngh]

Do you have children?

If you do not have children, I would suggest divorcing and getting an annulment. She obviously is not committed to your marriage and is frankly going to keep doing it over and over unless she goes through a life changing experience. (her denying and seeming lack care to try and make things better is enough evidence for this I think)

If you do have children, well that makes it a lot more complicated.

I know Jesus said you should forgive people over and over, and that is true. You should forgive her. But that does not mean you have to stay with her. Personally I could never be in a relationship with someone who cheated on me. I would never be able to trust them again and without trust I don’t think relationships function.

 

[Nandarani]

I agree with the poster directly ahead of me. I hesitated to say, but what I first thought on reading your message Andrew was that you are wonderful as a person. She is only partly aware of what she is doing to you, the marriage and herself and has walled off a part of herself.

 

[Ailina]

My wife and I have been married 9 years. In those nine years she has cheated three times. The first time, in 2001, she admitted to kissing one of my best friends. I forgave her and we moved on. In 2007 to 2008, we met another couple and we started hanging out together. She became physically and romantically involved with the other man. I confronted her and she finally admitted it. She asked for another chance and I gave her one. The thing is she has never liked discussing why and what happened. She has always refused counseling and just wanted “to bury it” when I tried bringing it up. Fast forward to 2009. She has been seeing another man behind my back and they have almost had intercourse. Currently, she is denying anything when I ask her if she is seeing him. I am just so frustrated and don’t know what to do. I have consulted a priest who has asked me to give her another chance and try and work on things, but she won’t even admit anything for us to get the ball rolling. I am trying to do God’s will and stay married, but how can I if she won’t stop? Please pray for me. Any advice is more than welcome.

Well, I think it is time to set some healthy boundaries for yourself and your marriage. Quite frankly, I think that priest gave you some bad advice: if she is not willing to face this problem, things will not change.

You need to insist on the following actions: She needs to stop this adultery because it is damaging the marriage. She needs to go for counselling to figure out why she keeps doing it. If she will not do these things, she is not serious about the vows she took and there is no marriage to fight for. You need to throw the ball in her court and force her to make her choices, rather than enabling her by not doing anything. Not doing anything will not solve anything.

You should also go for counselling to deal with the pain this is causing you. I know how painful this is, having gone through it myself. Above all, pray!!! God gives us strength when we ask for it.

 

[faithandhope]

*Oh, I’m sorry.

You know, adultery is a symptom of something wrong in a person, not in a marriage, always. Your wife sounds like she is searching for something outside of God and herself, to help her feel whole. I mean, 3 affairs? It’s not like it was one lack of judgement, and that’s it. It seems that she views these affairs as a means to helping her cope with something, something that she might have thought marriage could help her cope with. That said, adultery, unlike other ‘vices,’ DIRECTLY hurts those around the adulterer. I think that it’s incredibly humble and holy of you to wish to keep this marriage going, but if she refuses to get help and stop seeing these other men, your marriage will be one sided.

I would really discuss with her, that this can’t keep going on like this. She needs help, and you will be there for her, IF SHE STOPS AND GETS HELP. If she doesn’t want to stop…then you might have to make a very tough decision. She might tell you in words, that she wants to stop and that she loves you…but love is a verb. It requires action. I don’t see any other way for your marriage to move forward (if it can at this point) unless she stops and gets serious help. Praying for your marriage. *

Ditto… So sorry… I know how it feels.

 

[djeter]

There is a wonderful short story called “What We Talk About When We Talk About Love” by Raymond Carver. It was written back in the 70s or 80s but you run across it from time to time. Most recently it was on an Esquire list of 75 books that every man (or woman, for that matter) should read. Sometimes when I read of relationship problems I think of the story.

There is a short essay on it here that might give you some perspective on your problems:

payingattentiontothesky.com/what-we-talk-about-when-we-talk-about-love/

In Christ,

dj

 

[Andrew7081]

Thanks everyone for your prayers and heartfelt replies–especially those posters who have been through this dreadful experience themselves.

One or more of the posters in here is right. There is no reason to simply not to do anything about it. She does need help and if she doesn’t want to try, there is no reason for me to stay in the marriage. Even if an annulment fails later on, I at least won’t be emotionally abused by her anymore.

Thanks everyone. With his grace and patience, I will overcome.