Dealing with different ideologies in marriage

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qsowell

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My wife and I are both Catholic - I’m pro-life and she leans more towards the pro-choice side — recently, we had a heated discussion on our differences and she said that certain situations may put us really at odds - for example — If she found out during pregnancy that our child might have a mental disability, she might consider having an abortion — We talked at length about why she feels this way and why I feel all life is valuable – but I dont know if Im bridging the gap — I guess Im looking for some ideas on bridging the gap and helping her see things from my perspective – her argument to me seemed very selfish and it worries me that we could have some grave differences

thanks,
qls
 
Question: Were you always pro-life? Was she always pro-choice? Need a little more info before giving any suggestions.
 
Ive always been prolife and until she met me, she has been mainly prochoice – but I can sense her views changing based on my arguments but her basic feelings seem to run deep —
 
A few days ago, I posted a question to those who would allow “some exceptions” over in Politics. The post shows my heartfelt question to those who hold your wife’s opinion…

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=15751

While the few answers were not from “pro-choice” people, maybe I can put a face on that disabled baby for her - mine.

Second question, my godson - star football player - was in a car wreck in his senior year of high school. He went from talented young man to severely mentally and physically disabled in one moment. ANY of us can become severely disabled at any moment, why would you kill a child for that reason?
 
As a father of a child with Down’s I can honestly say that most who make the claims that your wife does do so out of fear. They know in their hearts that it is still murder. Ask your wife if she were to find out she was carrying a child with a disability and chose to abort, would she be prepared to face that child someday in Heaven? My wife and I have learned more about love, and acceptance from our little angel than we had learned from anyone else. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
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qsowell:
My wife and I are both Catholic - I’m pro-life and she leans more towards the pro-choice side — recently, we had a heated discussion on our differences and she said that certain situations may put us really at odds - for example — If she found out during pregnancy that our child might have a mental disability, she might consider having an abortion — We talked at length about why she feels this way and why I feel all life is valuable – but I dont know if Im bridging the gap — I guess Im looking for some ideas on bridging the gap and helping her see things from my perspective – her argument to me seemed very selfish and it worries me that we could have some grave differences

thanks,
qls
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There are lots of great resources you should check out at www.omsoul.com. They have info on abortion, and on contraception. Usually “pro choice” and “pro contraception” are hand in hand and contraception is the root.
 
How does she feel about adoption? Personally I would never do either, but if she were bent on not keeping a kid, that would be a better alternative.
 
qsowell,

Would your wife only consider abortion, or would she also consider adoption? There are so many couples who consider themselves blessed to have found and adopted their special needs children. What a gift, what an act of humility & charity it is for a biological mother and/or father to reach the difficult conclusion that although the child’s needs are more than they can meet, they will allow some other couple the opportunity to do so, and allow the child to live & experience both acts of love.

Another tidbit of info to factor in & or share: I have lost count of the number of credible accounts I have heard of “absolute, without a doubt” diagnoses & predictions of severe disabilities based on in utero tests…only to have a perfectly healthy baby arrive on delivery day.

Hang in there. I was once a NARAL-enrolled, pro-choice crusader. The key to my conversion was: information, information, information! (God works in mysterious ways…)
 
Ok, I’m going to give this my best shot.
If your wife became pregnant with a “mentally handicapped” is she not open to your feelings on the matter. Since you would be the father of the child would she feel comfortable going against your wishes?

Knowing that you feel abortion is the killing of innocent unborn child and this would be your child and she would be the cause of its death would she willing to very possibly sacrifice your marriage (because this would have devistating effects on a marriage) out of fear of raising an imperfect child?

Your feelings are your feelings regardless of what she believes or doesn’t believe and if you feel abortion is murder whether she agrees with that or not is irrelevant. This is a point you need to get across(in a loving matter.)

Example: (In a calm, soft voice)Honey if you were to have an abortion in my heart I would feel like you just killed my child, whether you feel that way or not doesn’t change my feelings. I would be devastated, it would just tear me to peices. It scares me how that would effect our relationship, I don’t know how I could handle it. I need to know that we make decisions together in our marriage especially when it involves our precious unborn child that we’re expecting. I love you, it isn’t just about me. I worry if you could really handle the after effects of abortion. I know from testimonies I’ve heard women who undergo abortions suffer enormous guilt and often suffer from depression-I don’t want you to go thru that. I need to know that we’ll make all of our decisions together and face them together.

Fighting about it will only make her defensive. Trying to make her feel like she’s wrong or her opinions are immoral will make her tune you out(or make her angry). The best way to approach this (in my humble opinion) is with warmth, and caring concern. Don’t get into what she believes or doesn’t believe, help her to understand how you feel, how it would effect you. How painful it would be for you. That you would fall in love with this child the moment you knew it existed and that you just don’t know how you handle it’s life being taken away. A child you and her created together out of love. You need to go for the heart ❤️ not the head. Because her head ain’t hearing ya.

I’m praying for you both.:gopray:
 
Remember the adage: Win an argument lose a soul. That is, the goal is not to trump her with superior arguments, but conversion. Pray alot.

Also, just for your reference, a great book is The Unaborted Socrates by Peter Kreeft, which overthrows the abortionist’s argument without resorting to “because the Church says so” (granted, good enough for you and me, but not necessarily for someone being stubborn on this point)

Scott
 
hey, what a great idea, let’s have class or some other opportunity for engaged couples to talk about these issues, with a potential for dividing, damaging or destroying a marriage and a family, before the wedding, sound like a plan? you are absolutely right to have this discussion before something concrete comes up, but you may find out that once you are in the actual situation, your opinions might change. It is hard to be objective at times like that. Having kids alters your brain cells and does something to your ability to argue, also. Women think about these things much more personally than men do, more “what would I do if it happened to me” where as men often, not always, are more objective.
 
Ask her how many abortions she is willing to undergo. Does she know that the chance of conceiving disabled children in the future increases with each abortion? There is medical evidence that proves that, have her check out this website:
w-cpc.org/abortion/physical.html

Also, she should be aware of other physical health risks (including death) that go hand in hand with any form of abortion. The site above, as well as another great resource for thoroughly researched information on abortion health risks, The Elliot Institute, which you can also direct her to at afterabortion.org/PAR/V8/n2/finland.html

Hope that helps, because even if she doesn’t care about the life of her child, she should at least care about her own.
 
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