Dealing With Difficult People

[BLB_Oregon]

crystal:

I forgot to mention that out of everyone in their family, my FIL and I have the most conversations and we have alot of common interests…It seems that he isn’t interested in discussing things we agree on, he keeps changing topics until he finds where we disagree. I was o.k. with that before because assumed he liked to debate like I do…

My FIL often refuses to believe what I say. He discounts my experiences and won’t let up but then acts uninterested if say, my husband comes along and can verify what I’m saying.
…
And the weird thing is, it’s my FIL who almost always starts the convo in the first place. I’m usually involved in reading or projects of some kind and he constantly interrupts me.

I’m glad you’re seeing that he’s the one that’s acting a bubble off from plumb. It’s not paranoia when they’re really out to get you!

You’re right in seeing that it isn’t a debate that he’s after. It is conflict that he’s after. The difference is as great as the difference between armwrestling and assault. You seem to be the only one in the family who hasn’t had their fill of being ambushed. Well, up until now, at least.

Do not assume that you are the only one who is lonely for social contact. He may not realize why he drives everyone away or recognize that he has an immature need for the validation of “winning”. Since you have quite a bit endurance and a sweet personality, you may actually be able to have a decent spar with him on occasion. This is possibible if you call him on things affectionately, and enforce your rules with humor (“uh, uh, uh… no you don’t! I’ve fallen for that one before!”) as you go along. I’ve actually done this. Getting a fair-fight debate out of a curmudgeon is kind of fun.

If you want a debate that doesn’t involve so much work, though, come here. We have some good ones, and civilized ones, too.

 

[Detroit_Sue]

My FIL detested me until he had a massive coronary 3 years ago. He and my MIL have been divorced for nearly 25 years. They both had “cultural” difficulties in that my heritage is European and my husband’s is Latino. MIL still hates me (s’okay - saves me money on Mother’s Day cards ), but my FIL calls me his “angel.” We took him into our home so he could recuperate, and we found him a nice place to live in a senior citizen housing.

I agree with the poster who said the problem is your FIL’s.

I too have a chronic disease which makes me not look “sick.” People just don’t understand it if you are able to attend to things. I still work, but I can’t do any heavy work around the house anymore. My husband has been MY angel in taking on that stuff. It used to bother me that some people didn’t believe I was ill, but now I’m grateful when they can’t tell. I don’t think I would trade my cross for any other.

Sorry this is kinda rambling. I’m heading off to beddy-bye!
I’ll keep you in my prayers.

God bless,
Sue

 

[crystal]

Hi All,

I’m feeling alot more sure of myself now about this issue. It’s strange but
there’s still some doubt but when I read this thread through and see it in print
it helps me know that I’m seeing reality clearly. We’ll see how it goes this year
at Christmas. I’ll let you all know how it goes. Daily I’m repeating the mantra,
“no drama, no trauma” I just don’t want to get sucked into it, or should I say
suckered into it!

BLB, on debating with him; >>>The difference is as great as the difference between
armwrestling and assault.<<< Well said. That would explain all my anger later.

Sue, sorry to hear you suffer from a chronic illness too. Your story is an
interesting one. I’m glad you and your FIL get along well now.

I appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut.
Have a nice day

Love and Light,
Crystal

 

[LSK]

crystal:

Hi Again,

Leslie, sorry to hear you’re in the CFIDS/FMS Club. I am
in admiration of the way you’ve handled your adversity and I
strive to get there. It sounds like you’re able to lose
your ego like Buddhists say we have to do to stop suffering.
That new attitude you speak of is what I want to cultivate.
My anger towards my FIL makes me feel like I’m sinning and
your post helps me clarify why. I’m curious to know if
your dad got off your case.

Love and Light,
Kris

Thank you, sweetheart. I did it with the help of St. Therese and The Blessed Virgin. I figured, if that Woman could watch the world nail her Son to the Cross, knowing it had to be done but still having to watch her baby being murdered, and she did it with grace, dignity and love then I could let my Dad’s remarks roll off my back.

 

[LindaS]

Crystal, in one of your posts, you mentioned that you still have to deal with this anger since you can’t go out and exercise. Too true. May I suggest that you write it out? I give this to my clients as one way of dealing with anger, and they all seem to find it a big help. Write your FIL a letter telling him everything about how you feel and get that anger out. Use whatever language you choose. Then, when you’re all finished, destroy it. I had one client who tore her letter into tiny pieces and flushed it! There is something very freeing about doing this. You don’t need to tell your dh about it if you don’t want to, just do this for you. You’re worth it.

Peace,
Linda

 

[crystal]

Hi Linda,

Thanks for the suggestion. I’ve tried doing this in the past and it didn’t help me. I believe it works for others though.

Writing it out on here and getting responses validating my feelings has been very therapeutic however.

TC,
Crystal

 

[allhers]

Just read through the thread and see that you got some great advice, he sounds like a big bully. Looks like your MIL and BIL found that the best way to deal with him is to ignore him. That must be why he picks on you and his daughter, your husband and your SIL’s husband ignore him too by playing games that he isn’t involved in.
He must be awfully lonely, (gee, I wonder why?) Your kind personality is probably what he loved, another victim for him. I’d ignore his crass comments and just pray for him, starting now. It’s really hard not to like someone you are praying for. The comment, “I really don’t want to hear this.” sounds like good advice. Then move on, just change the subject. Try not to be alone around him. Ask your MIL if she can speak to him. She might be so use to it that she doesn’t even see it anymore.
I will keep you in my prayers, and your family. Perhaps your DH just deals with it with humor to keep from getting hurt himself, sounds like they all found a way to deal with him except you and his daughter, sounds like the two of you are expecting him to change and it just isn’t happening is it?

 

[crystal]

Thanks for replying Alhers,

I do love my FIL. When my anger subsides I will pray for him. Right now I pray for guidance and am grateful for all the help I have found here. You are all wonderful people and I really appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut.

At least now I feel like I understand the situation even if I don’t like it.
This may make all the difference. We’ll see what happens this Christmas.

Thank you,
Crystal

 

[Celtic_Son]

My mother has Fibromyalgia also and it is very hard for her to get mobile, somedays are better than others so i feel for you also. I have watched her struggle through years f pain. Just keep on going no matter what !! You and you alone know how bad you feel when it hits you!

Peace

 

[Magicsilence]

First of all.

THANK the Lord for sending you this suffering.

Then turn to him for help.

Daily rosary of course.

Of course its difficult, but if possible go to mass as often as possible.

In Christ.

Andre.

 

[bennimom]

Keep Your Distance
Even in Christian ministry I’ve had to deal with many difficult people. Some have tried my patience, others have helped me recognize my own offenses, and a few have even tested my faith in God. They’ve certainly exposed areas within me that needed work, helping to develop character and strengthen my walk with Christ. I can’t say I’ve mastered the art of dealing with difficult people, but I have learned that sometimes it’s okay to avoid them. It’s actually biblical.
—christianity

 

[Catholic90]

Keep Your Distance
Even in Christian ministry I’ve had to deal with many difficult people. Some have tried my patience, others have helped me recognize my own offenses, and a few have even tested my faith in God. They’ve certainly exposed areas within me that needed work, helping to develop character and strengthen my walk with Christ. I can’t say I’ve mastered the art of dealing with difficult people, but I have learned that sometimes it’s okay to avoid them. It’s actually biblical.
—christianity

This thread is 4 years old. The OP has not posted for 2.5 years.

 

[Sierrah]

Hi All,

I’ve been dealing with difficult people all my life as I’m sure many of you have. At the moment I’m dealing with a difficult FIL. He seems to be judgemental to me but very subtle about it. I feel so much anger towards him all the time even though I only see him at Christmas for 2 weeks and in the spring for 2 weeks.

At first it was important to me to take what he said seriously and try to explain myself. I felt I had to defend against comments like “Sick people look sick” which was a comment he made to the room in general (he does that alot) when we were alone. I had to get him to repeat it, it was said so casually yet seemed so loaded. He repeated it and I went into once again trying to explain that I am sick with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome and Fibromyalgia and that in my case they are both severe diseases and disabling even though I don’t look sick. It’s very common for ill people to look well that have all sorts of devastating diseases actually.

The thing is, he knew that this is something I’m dealing with and have been for years…not being believed.

So at first I thought it was about me not being able to pull my own weight and him concerned I was faking and taking advantage of his son. (I became disabled on the 3rd day of our honeymoon)

But now I’m realising that my FIL is on my case about everything. He now says he accepts my illness but I think that’s because he’ll look unPC to his family if he doesn’t since they all seem to believe me.

Anyway, what I’m concerned about is his constant barrage of verbal abuse. He says things like “Look at her, she doesn’t even know what she wants!” about me if i take a min. to answer a question. He acts like everything we discuss is a contest with a winner and a loser. It’s odd when he acts like he lost and I’m just defending my right to exist the way I want to. It’s even odder that most of the time he acts like he’s won or somehow I end up feeling like he’s just one-upped me over something that shouldn’t be a contest. Like the time he said that fiber optic lights would look good on my dark blue bedroom ceiling and when I agreed he said,“Listen to her, she’s serious! I was just joking”. It’s like he’s setting me up to be trapped and then I take the bait and he attacks me.

I’m really hurting over this, I want to get along with him but when I try to tell him how he’s making me feel, he claims he’s just joking all the time. Believe me, they’re not jokes. Especially not the racial slurs he says about other people that I’m sure he knows bothers me.

It’s getting to the point that i don’t care what he thinks anymore, even if it’s that I’m a malingerer (I’m 90% bedridden but look and act remarkably well when I can be up and about). I’m very concerned about staying at his house over Christmas. Now that I’ve confronted him and he’s just brushed it off, I may just blow up at his rudeness.

I’ve tried so long to give him the benefit of the doubt but now there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s verbally abusing me. He does it most when others aren’t around. I asked him last spring if he sometimes pushes peoples’ buttons to try to rile them up and he didn’t answer since my husband jumped in to try come to his rescue but my FIL did get a wry little smile on his face which looked like he knew he did try to push buttons to me.

It took alot of writing just to give you, dear reader, a small glimpse of this situation but I would love some (name removed by moderator)ut from those of you who would like to respond and who’ve made it this far

Thank you for listening,
Crystal

You and your husband need to disassociate yourselves from this man and refuse any contact with him until he learns to behave himself. Believe me it works. We had the same thing in my family where a member kept verbally abusing another for no reason. My parents stayed away from that person for 2 years and they apologied and never did it again when they realized by parents were serious.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Crystal, is your FIL a healthcare professional? Does he have any real credentials, any real expertise to make that call, that you are not really sick, you are only pretending it? And if he is a healthcare professional, had he examined you medically and arrived to the conclusion that you are not sick, and is he ready to defend his professional opinion against the other doctors who diagnosed you with CFS and fibromyalgia?

Or is he just making childish comments that he is, frankly, totally unqualified to make?