Dealing with estranged Mother in Law - My battle as well?

[LifeAt15MPH]

Hello:

I was searching for some answers online about this topic, which is how I found this forum. So here it goes:

My wife and I have been together for 12 years (married for 9) and we have two beautiful children. Even though we are very happy in our marriage, there’s one topic that has always been a bit of a thorn on our side. And I’m saddened to say that it’s my mother in law.

When my wife and I met, I quickly learned that my wife’s relationship with her mom was quite different from normal (and to a certain degree, unhealthy). From a young age, my mother in law has been my wife’s only family. My wife was an only child, her father passed away when she was a teenager, and any extended relatives she had where estranged (from her mom, and by association from my wife as well).

During the years we’ve been together, I’ve seen how one moment my wife and her mother have a great, loving relationship, and the next moment they are having a blow out, and not talking to each other for months at a time. It took me some time to realize how destructive this rollercoaster ride was and the role my mother in law played in these blow outs.I’ve learned to recognize the manipulation, the demeaning comments against my wife, and the disfunction in general. My mother in law used to say to my wife when she was a small child that “she would divorce her” if she misbehaved.

Currently, we are at one of the “low points” of this rollercoaster rides after my mother in law accused us of not giving her enough time with the grandkids, called my wife a bi$#ch, and stopped calling 5 months ago. She has chosen to remain estranged instead of apologizing for her behavior.

My wife has been going to counseling to learn to deal with her mom, and without going into many more details, she’s learned that she has been severely abused emotionally from the time she was a child and that she’s dealing with a psychologically sick motther.

Different counselors have recommended that my wife distance herself from her mother and that very strict boundaries are set. Needless to say, this has been very hard for my wife since her mom is the only family she’s ever known.

Now that we have children (3 and 1 years old), I’m VERY worried that they will also be sucked into the rollercoaster ride with their grandmother, or that they will be used as pawns. I don’t want this. I will do whatever I can to protect my children! One low point was when my mother in law used her “I’m going to divorce you” line with my 3 year old. I told her to NEVER say that to him EVER again!

We had a taste of how sick this “game” can get when we received Easter cards from my mother in law for the kids professing the love she has for them, and on the same day, she also sent a letter informing my wife that she would be removed from the will and that our kids would be the new benefactors. My wife is very hurt because she feels that her mom has always found a way to make her feel uncared for, and this last stunt is just another way to make her feel this way.

As I said before, I want this rollercoaster to stop! I know that my wife and I must stand together against my mother in law to make this happen, but I wonder if this is a battle where my wife should call the shots, or if I should take a more proactive role (in addition to “supportive husband”).

If you’ve been in our shoes (or similar shoes), your (name removed by moderator)ut and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading. Just writing this has been greatly therapeutic!

Many blessings to all!

 

[adrift]

I have nothing to offer you but prayer.

 

[underacloud]

If you and your wife are seeing professional counsellors regarding this, I suggest you rely on their advice, not on the advice of (well-meaning) internet strangers. These are very complex issues and require complex and professional answers. Some people here may have interesting insights and be able to empathise with you, but be careful about using this as a basis for determining how you should approach your own situation.

You sound like a loving husband and father and I wish you nothing but the best with this issue. You’re in my prayers.

 

[MrsHappy]

Hello:

I was searching for some answers online about this topic, which is how I found this forum. So here it goes:

My wife and I have been together for 12 years (married for 9) and we have two beautiful children. Even though we are very happy in our marriage, there’s one topic that has always been a bit of a thorn on our side. And I’m saddened to say that it’s my mother in law.

When my wife and I met, I quickly learned that my wife’s relationship with her mom was quite different from normal (and to a certain degree, unhealthy). From a young age, my mother in law has been my wife’s only family. My wife was an only child, her father passed away when she was a teenager, and any extended relatives she had where estranged (from her mom, and by association from my wife as well).

During the years we’ve been together, I’ve seen how one moment my wife and her mother have a great, loving relationship, and the next moment they are having a blow out, and not talking to each other for months at a time. It took me some time to realize how destructive this rollercoaster ride was and the role my mother in law played in these blow outs.I’ve learned to recognize the manipulation, the demeaning comments against my wife, and the disfunction in general. My mother in law used to say to my wife when she was a small child that “she would divorce her” if she misbehaved.

Currently, we are at one of the “low points” of this rollercoaster rides after my mother in law accused us of not giving her enough time with the grandkids, called my wife a bi$#ch, and stopped calling 5 months ago. She has chosen to remain estranged instead of apologizing for her behavior.

My wife has been going to counseling to learn to deal with her mom, and without going into many more details, she’s learned that she has been severely abused emotionally from the time she was a child and that she’s dealing with a psychologically sick motther.

Different counselors have recommended that my wife distance herself from her mother and that very strict boundaries are set. Needless to say, this has been very hard for my wife since her mom is the only family she’s ever known.

Now that we have children (3 and 1 years old), I’m VERY worried that they will also be sucked into the rollercoaster ride with their grandmother, or that they will be used as pawns. I don’t want this. I will do whatever I can to protect my children! One low point was when my mother in law used her “I’m going to divorce you” line with my 3 year old. I told her to NEVER say that to him EVER again!

We had a taste of how sick this “game” can get when we received Easter cards from my mother in law for the kids professing the love she has for them, and on the same day, she also sent a letter informing my wife that she would be removed from the will and that our kids would be the new benefactors. My wife is very hurt because she feels that her mom has always found a way to make her feel uncared for, and this last stunt is just another way to make her feel this way.

As I said before, I want this rollercoaster to stop! I know that my wife and I must stand together against my mother in law to make this happen, but I wonder if this is a battle where my wife should call the shots, or if I should take a more proactive role (in addition to “supportive husband”).

If you’ve been in our shoes (or similar shoes), your (name removed by moderator)ut and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading. Just writing this has been greatly therapeutic!

Many blessings to all!

Oh my goodness!! I am the daughter of a mother just like this. I am also going through the exact same sort of thing right now. My mother, though I love her, is the most impossible person I know. I beleive she has undiagnosed narcissistic personlaity disorder. I have been to counselling, My husband and I are happily married also but have had such sadness with this. We have a child who I do not want to experience her poison. I can’t even begin to tell you what my childhood was like. Ok so short and sweet; You and your wife, and your children are to pray for her, but please PLEASE take my advice from someone else who has been there: Remove your wife and children (and yourself) from her grip. And Never look back.

It will be hard especially for her wife, I know how terribly guilty, confusing, and heartbreaking it is!!! But your mother in law MUST change her ways MAJORLY if she wants to be in your familys life. In my experience she will not. (how many times have you gone back to her hoping she will change to have the mat pulled out from under you so suddenly?)

I wish I could speak with you personally…Run and never look back, ok? It’s not weak!!! You must protect your family.

It sounds as if your mother in law has narcissistic tendencies also. It is a heavy cross for your wife and youself. Our lord and blessed mother will help you greatly through the rosary.

Some people will not agree with my advice for you, just remember the majority of people have not dealt with something like this before, so close to home.

I am happy to go into greater detail and advice if you wish. I am still in turmoil over this myself, but I just KNOW for my familys sake…that it is not worth it. She must admit her wrongs, have sorrow and most importantly, change. If she loves her daughter she will. Unfortunatley with these women, they put themselves first ALWAYS.
Pray for a miracle, with God, anything is possible

You are in my prayers!!!
God bless

 

[Lukelion]

Sounds like my mil.
1). Judge actions, not intentions. It doesn’t matter WHY her mother is hurtful.
2). Wisdom walks when abuse starts. Proverbs 22 3.
3) if you continue to to accept abuse, mil will continue to abuse. she has no reason to stop.

I recommend the book “In Sheep’s Clothing: understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People” by George K. Simon Ph. D. He also has a website with helpful articles.
You can pray for change, but you do need to keep keeping your family safe.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Get this book for your wife. It will help her.

Boundaries

Yes, you have a problem and you will have to protect your children. The best way to do this is to limit contact with your MIL. Severely limit. As in, no contact unless you are present. It would be good if your wife could cut off her mother completely. That may be very difficult for her. It’s great that she is in counseling. It’s very hard to face up to the fact that your parent is a very harmful person in your life.

This website might also ring some bells for your wife. It hasn’t been updated lately but the information is still solid.

 

[crystal_waters]

If your wife DOES want to have a relationship with her mother, then maybe you could all go to some kinda family mediation counselling

 

[Demetra2]

I have been in your shoes so let me offer some advice. First of all it is very good that your wife is seeing a counselor. A life time of abuse and dysfunction can creat FOG which stands for fear, obligation and guilt. She will need some help to think clearly going forward. You must also be very careful to protect your kids which will probably mean strict boundaries and limited contact. The kids should NEVER be left alone with MIL. Your job is to step in with logical thinking when your wife can’t. Your mother in law may have a personality disorder and if so that is very hard to treat. When boundaries are demanded it will infuriate your MIL and as you can see she has already employed the common tactic of disinheriting your wife.You have a say in this too as because you must protect your family from further abuse. For some of us it might even mean no contact. Talk to the priest about it also. In my case he told that as a mother my first obligation was now to protect my kids. My mother could cooperate or not. My mother did not chose to cooperate. Also if you google BPD and NPD(personailty disorder) there are many online support groups so you and your wife can get some support there. It would be a kindness to pray for your MIL and as a way to "honor"her if you can’t actually have a relationship. Best wishes and I will pray for you today.

 

[LSK]

What a GREAT husband you are to want to protect both your wife and your children!

I think you have been given some great advice. May I also make a suggestion?

start praying the Rosary together every night for your MIL. I would also respond to that letter she sent about the will with a , “Thank you for letting us know and we will, of course, honor your wishes”.