Dealing with family issues

[M24catholic]

Hi everyone, I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice here or just some prayers. We’ve been having a very difficult time with my family for awhile now, shortly before we moved. To the point we’ve greatly considering getting divorced.

My wife and I recently moved after she received a job offer in her home state way above her previous salary. We understand it is hard for a child to move away and do feel some guilt about it, but we are in our mid-late 20s. We still talk regularly and I have visited them a couple times since the move. My wife has spoken with them on the occasion, along with holidays and birthdays.

They were visiting for the early part of the holidays this weekend. We prepared a dinner for both of our families. We both want them in our lives and to have a good relationship. My wife was ignored almost the entire weekend, they couldn’t even muster up a hello most nights even after we both greeted them. We did our best to make conversation with them, but it was all one sided. The whole weekend was filled with eye rolls, rude comments, and her being snubbed. To the point where not only my wife’s feeling were hurt but mine as well.

We honestly do not know what to do. I am too afraid and don’t know how to ask them why they are acting like this. My wife has been kind for my sake. It is really breaking us down emotionally and causing constant issues in our marriage. All of these issues occurred shortly after my wife was assaulted and when we both needed some comfort from family. But she mostly was received with hatred from them. Even though there were mistakes made on all of our ends.

I just finished a short vacation with them. After a night of tears on my part due to the disdain my family shows. I understand it’s not fair to be treated this way, and would not tolerate it if it were anybody else. We are both hoping to come past this point and develop a good relationship with my parents but we are really not sure how to do it with how hateful they act. We were hoping this weekend would be a positive turning point, but it proved to be the opposite. Now my wife doesn’t want to spend time around them if they’re not friendly towards her.

We would appreciate everyone’s prayers during this time and advice on how to move forward with my family. We are looking into attending Retrouvaille in the near future. And if anyone would want to share their experience with that, that would also be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I am too afraid and don’t know how to ask them why they are acting like this.

With all due respect, you are an adult and at this point, your spouse needs to come first in your life. When you married her, you two became one. She is number one in your life now. Not your parents or other family.

You need to make clear to everybody outside the marriage, including your parents, that it is not all right for them to treat your wife badly. And she would need to do the same for you. If your family is going to act like this, then you need to put your marriage first and tell them that they need to stop disparaging your wife in your presence, or they are not welcome in your home or in your life.

If your wife can’t rely on you to be in her corner when your family starts being mean and rude, then I can see where that would break down trust in a marriage. A grown man should not be afraid to confront his family on this, as their behavior is just plain wrong and out of line.

I just finished a short vacation with them. After a night of tears on my part due to the disdain my family shows. I understand it’s not fair to be treated this way, and would not tolerate it if it were anybody else.

Your family does not get a special exception to treat your wife badly. You should not tolerate it from them either. l’m not even sure why you are going on a “short vacation” with them - was your wife included and having to deal with their disdain, or did you leave her home while you go off and have vacation time with your family while they disparage your wife? Either way it doesn’t sound good. You should be taking vacation with your wife, in a pleasant setting. You should not be making exceptions for your family’s awful behavior towards her.

 

[Legend]

I have to agree…your wife is now the ‘special’ person in your life. If your parents don’t accept her, you had better get used to accepting them…a lot less!

If your family starts thinking they can get away with treating her cruelly (and, it sounds like that’s just what they’re doing), they had better get used to spending a lot of vacation time without you! It’s time to ‘man up’. Become the kind of loving protector your wife needs…if your parents want any time with you at all, they had better start treating your wife the way she deserves to be treated .

And, to you and your wife…Have a wonderful Christmas, and God Bless!

 

[PennyinCanada]

I think you may benefit from counseling and coaching on how not to be afraid of them, and learning some practical ways to deal with unacceptable behaviour. I’m guessing you’ve never had to stand up to your parents, so it’s time to learn some new skills. This will be good for you, and good for your marriage. Pray for strength and wisdom and get some help. I think your wife may need an apology from you. No one gets to treat your wife badly when you’re around. No one. Be her hero today.
God bless and guide you.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I understand it’s not fair to be treated this way, and would not tolerate it if it were anybody else.

I think you have this absolutely backwards. Do not tolerate bad behavior, especially your family. If people want to celebrate holidays and birthdays and anniversaries, it’s on them to be on their best behavior, or these perks are not going to happen.

 

[Peeps]

I absolutely agree with everyone else.

Stand up to your parents, and absolutely cut them out of your life if they continue to abuse your wife and you–yes, you! They are abusing you, too, and calling it “love.” It’s not love, it’s selfishness. Don’t tolerate it.

They get away with this horrible selfish behavior because you allow them to. They trained you as a child to kow-tow to them, and you never grew out of it. Well, it’s past time for you to put childish things aside.

Yes, it will hurt because you truly do love your parents (good) and want a strong family life with all of your extended family.

But it will hurt worse if you end up divorced, and you will end up alone because many women will not tolerate a man who is still subservient to his parents and puts them first.

I grew up in a house where my dad was a slave to his parents because he was an only child, they were farmers, and they kept threatening not to leave the farm to him if he didn’t help them out. So he kept helping them out, at the expense of my mother’s wishes for a family life with Dad around. They stuck it out for over 50 years and truly loved each other, but it was a hard way for me and my brother to grow up.

Follow the wise advice or others on this board and become your wife’s husband FIRST, then your parents’ son.

 

[Poet]

Read…and re-read…and read again Tis_Bearself’s reply. Your wife comes first!

I’ve seen how my father’s mother–and his failure to put his wife first–have devastated my family life for decades. My son lives out of state with his wife and I fully expect him to put her and his children first, above me. This is as it should be. They must support each other and take care of themselves and their family. I would never mistreat her or make his life or marriage difficult in any way.

You must stand up for your wife and make it clear to your parents that you and your wife are a family. Take care of her and love her.

Truly loving parents would never mistreat your spouse.

 

[JosephDColeman]

I dealt with similar issues in my marriage. I found that when I defended my wife to my family they were more apt to show respect and be more courteous to her…if even for my sake.

I understand wanting to respect your parents but you have to be courageous and stand up for your wife as well. If you are too scared to say anything, they may not see it bothers you and you are doing a disservice to your wife. Besides, if you defend her they will see how much it upsets you and they will think of being rude to her as being rude to both of you…which is what it is actually. It would also really show your wife how much you love her and I think that would give her more support than you would imagine. She’s also adjusting to the move, and on top of that she has to put up with your family harassing her. If you won’t defend her, who will?

Remember that you are to love your wife and protect her like Christ loves the Church. Stand up for her. If your feelings get hurt or your family is cruel in the process just count it as joy because you are doing the right thing.

 

[Retsel]

To the point we’ve greatly considering getting divorced.

For me, this bomb word moves your post way beyond the how to handle dysfunctional family.
Strong marriages shrug/laugh off dysfunctional family drama all the time.

I guess it can happen, but what a shame!

 

[TheLittleLady]

All of these issues occurred shortly after my wife was assaulted and when we both needed some comfort from family. But she mostly was received with hatred from them. Even though there were mistakes made on all of our ends.

Praying that you and your wife have sought counseling to deal with the trauma of assault.

To the point we’ve greatly considering getting divorced.

The important thing to a successful marriage, make a pledge between you that divorce is never an option.

Please, do go to Retrouvaille. I’ve not gone, but, I have friends who have had lives changed through this program.

 

[blackforest]

I haven’t read the responses because I don’t want them to bias my own.

When you marry, Scriptural and Church teaching holds that you leave your family and cleave to your new spouse. This means that when it boils down to your parents vs. your wife, your wife comes first.

So it sounds like it’s time to set some respectful but firm boundaries with your parents.

The key is for both of you to be on the same page and to act and speak as a unit.

When they start acting passive-aggressive again: “It looks like you’re upset. Did one of us do something to bother you?”

If they criticize a decision: “I’m sorry you disagree. We do feel this is the best course of action for us.”

I am too afraid and don’t know how to ask them why they are acting like this.

I don’t think the priority is in knowing the why. It’s in defending your wife from their disrespect. “I’m happy to discuss whatever is upsetting you, but this behavior is disrespectful to her and needs to stop.”

When you defend your wife, you’re defending your marriage. You should certainly honor your parents, but that honor doesn’t give them any license to walk all over your wife or place any divisive wedge into your marriage.

I speak with years of experience in this topic. The same issue nearly destroyed my marriage years ago. It wasn’t until my husband mustered up the courage to stand up for me that my in-laws finally backed off.

Finally, please consider some marital counseling through Catholic Charities or another trusted counselor. Your priest may have a good referral for you. God bless and Merry Christmas!