Dealing with family (parents and siblings) as an adult

[ferndawson]

(Disclaimer: not my real name and I think my aunt is a good person and respect that we don’t agree on many things. I’m writing this in my perspective at the time.)

I was baptized and confirmed as a Catholic. My family went to mass on Easter, Christmas, and some Sundays tapering off as I got older. We didn’t eat meat during Lent and generally participated in what some may call culturally Catholic traditions. I have an aunt who was a new type of Christian and she didn’t agree with our family on a lot of important topics. My parents used her as an example, unfortunately, of a crazy religious person. That slowly turned into “this is what religious looks like” and I shied away from claiming a Catholic identity to avoid being in her category. At that point we only went once a year, for Christmas. The year after I was confirmed, I was getting ready for midnight mass on Christmas Eve and was told we weren’t going. My parents and sisters didn’t feel like it. That was the last thread that was allowing me to hang onto the church. Dressed for mass, I sat on my bedroom floor and cried, but they never knew that. I didn’t want them to think I was dumb like my aunt.

Fast forward to today, my parents and one sister have fallen head over heels for the team mentality of politics. They are on the side they see as what is moral (left) and if you’re not on that team, you are a selfish, bad person. Every conversation turns into a rant. There is so much negativity that I just don’t enjoy their company anymore. The awkward, unspoken idea of religion being something to steer away from still hangs in the air. My husband and I moved out of state, then out of the country and we struggle with making sure to visit our families. They say we are selfish for leaving, but when we visit they don’t seem to care. I feel like I can do nothing right. I try to give very neutral responses when heated topics inevitably arise, but it’s getting harder to stay quiet. Someday when we come back to my home state I hope to be a good influence on them and get rid of the raincloud that is always overhead. When I visit home it’s like everyone is sad. There are no traditions and everything is too much effort. All I hear is gossip and rants. My parents and all their siblings feud constantly. I don’t know what to do anymore.

My other sister acts neutral and I suspect holds similar beliefs to me. Other than talking to her about this, which I plan to, I thought I’d come on here and see if anyone else has similar experiences. Mainly I 'm saddened by this perception of me being selfish and undeservedly lucky (I was told this while pregnant and mentioning to my parents that it bothered me that my sister wouldn’t acknowledge the baby… I didn’t get a college degree and she did, yet I’m happy so that’s undeserved). I want them to be happy again. I have good memories from my childhood. These people who have replaced my parents and one sister are held back by their hatred for so much. I also hate hiding who I am from them. I just don’t want to be who they see my aunt as and lose them forever.

 

[1ke]

You can’t help crazy. And they are some form of it.

You are selfish for moving away with your husband. You are ridiculed for faith. You are told happiness isn’t deserved.

You must understand, this is the behavior of a person or people with something very wrong with them. Personality disorder level wrong.

You should get some counseling from a professional who can help you be OK with your own choices and let go of the desire to be accepted by and get approval from people that you can never actually satisfy (because, cray-cray).

 

[ferndawson]

What about the fact that they weren’t always like this? You’re saying they’re a lost cause?

 

[1ke]

What about the fact that they weren’t always like this?

It sounds like they have always been like this. The particular topic they choose to fixate on may have evolved from religion to politics, and it may evolve over time. But the underlying behaviors seem to have been there all along. Also, as we grow and change, become independent, move out, marry-- these changes tend to bring out a more aggressive aspect in people who want to control, manipulate, and conform others to their mandates. Of course they didn’t always seem this way-- because you conformed before. You sat in your room and silently cried when you couldn’t go to mass instead of walking out the door and going to mass like you wanted to. Now that you no longer conform, you are the target.

This is manifesting now that you have asserted your independence in calling you selfish for moving, ridiculing you for your beliefs, pushing you to argue politics.

You’re saying they’re a lost cause?

I’m saying the only person you can change is you.

 

[ferndawson]

Thank you, I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut. It gives me a lot to think over.

 

[Lee1]

They don’t sound crazy to me, apart from the kind of antagonism and hostility which goes untempered by faith in a faithless household of people determined to satisfy the perceived needs of their ego. One comma!

Whatever is wrong there Ike is right, you can really only let them learn in their own way and in their own time, especially if you want to stay sane.

If you don’t live at home anymore it’s sad to see your family in chaos but look to your own faith and nurture that in yourself. Pray for them and live in hope that God will once again bless them with faith too.

 

[Legend]

My short answer…Strange!!!

On thinking a little more…your parents seem to have been fostering a religion…but, without God. They,most likely learned Christianity from their parents, but never made the connection…that we do certain things because our creator wants us to!

You say you have a child which your sister hasn’t acknowledged…I don’t fully understand…do they ignore birthdays and accomplishments (I.e.graduation?)Or, do they ignore or act cruelly toward your kids? If the second, your main responsibility is to protect your children…even if you have to cut yourself off from your family! Your children are your responsibility…your parents and siblings are not!

I know, it’s not easy…but you must accept that we were given free will, and if they have chosen anything that can harm your family, it’s your duty to protect what is yours. God won’t change another a person against that person’s will…so, take care of your family and yourself, and God Bless.

 

[Allegra]

1Ke pretty much nailed it. Your childhood memories are pleasant because you were a child and as such, you were under their thumb. Instead, they piled onto your aunt, who had the nerve to dissent from them and wouldn’t be manipulated. When you grew up and became independent, you also became the target. There isn’t anything you can do about this except pray and learn to be happy against their will. These are lifelong behavior patterns and you aren’t going to be able to “influence” them away.

 

[Legend]

Whatever you do, remember that your husband and children come first. Frankly, I’m surprised that they go through the motions of ‘wanting you to visit’. It doesn’t seem as if there are any religious activities they look at as important, if they think of them at all. It looks as if the major ‘attraction’ in getting you to visit, is the fact that they know how you will react…which gives them a sense of power. And, everyone wants some power over others…it’s just human nature!

Again, if they do anything that may hurt your children, in the slightest…trust me, It’s not worth the effort! Try and think of the ways in which your kids and your husband make you happy. Concentrate on this family…the one you were born into show no desire to change, to listen to you, or even discuss other opinions for their own education. The more they see that they can hurt you, the more they will try. If they ever change, let them come to you-you’ve already invested enough time in them, only to be hurt, and have your family hurt.

You don’t need this!

 

[TheLittleLady]

My political beliefs have changed greatly over my life. I no longer hold the same beliefs as my parents, siblings, etc. I also converted to Catholicism. Thank GOD we are able to love and respect each other in spite of the differences.

Best advice, you do not have to attend every debate you are invited to.

 

[Viki63]

When you do visit, you might invite them to attend mass with you and your family. It might awaken old memories or thoughts. You never know.
Meanwhile, as others have said, live your own life and ignore critics. We have the blessed hope that Christ gives us; nothing is more important.
If they see that you are happy, it may cause them to wonder what they’re missing.

 

[otrrl]

You have so much going on, I can’t address all of it. But, i subscribe to the idea previously mentioned of personality disorder. What i mean specifically by that is 1) you probably can’t change them and 2) you shouldn’t blame yourself for what’s going on. One of my relatives has EXACTLY this power of personality to arrange things so that I’m never right. If I don’t do something, I’m wrong. Then, if I do it, that’s wrong too. That happened to me and to another relative. That situation is 1) controlling, trying to make you feel guilty no matter what you do and 2) --possibly-- because these people always represent themselves as victims. You can’t fix this and probably shouldn’t say anything about it – but just watch for it coming at you.

As far as the politics goes, that’s certainly touchy. Within a family, you might want to bring up the question if every person has the right to make up his/her own mind?

With this coming and going problem, where you are never right, I would suggest staying in touch at a distance and moving in closer only when you are sure your presence is appreciated.

I have relatives and acquaintances with personality disorders, vaguely like the ones you describe. It almost sounds like you know my family.

Morally, i think people have the responsibility to their own family first, your own household. You have a responsibility to your parents, in one way or another. That’s another whole big subject.