Dealing with homosexuality in the family

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SAINThoodSEEKER

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I have a homosexual cousin who is quite a bit older than I am (mid/late 40’s). I always thought he was gay while growing up, then found out some time ago that this is true. As I grew more in my faith over the past couple of years, my mother told me that my cousin was actually in the seminary for a year or so. In retrospect, this (his brief seminary stay) seems to be the result of his rehabilitation from drug abuse as a young adult. It is probable that he entered (seminary) while on his spiritual “high” of recovery. After things calmned, he left the seminary and started his openly gay lifestyle. This has been, I guess, 20 years or more. I’m only finding out much of this story now, being that I’m only 25. I have been very moved by many of the apologists whose work I have studied. I have much information (or access to) that I can use for understanding this issue. I was wondering if (and I know you “brains” out there do) anyone has some solid advice as I have felt a call to speak with him about this. He is very easy-going and pleasant. I know that specific personalities and other personal aspects vary, but I’m just looking for some general tips or advice if there are any. Thanks and God bless.
 
I was wondering if (and I know you “brains” out there do) anyone has some solid advice as I have felt a call to speak with him about this.
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I guess I must ask what you think you are going to accomplish by speaking with him. Do you just want to understand him better or are you hoping to change him?

I’d be very careful about going in with the expectation that you will say something to change your cousin, (at least not anytime in the near future. And by ‘near future’ I might mean the next 20 years.)

If I were you, and you feel that you must speak to him, I would start out asking in as much a non-judgemental way as possible, how he reconciles his homosexuality with the teachings of the Church. I don’t mean that you have to seem like you are condoning his life. He probably already knows you can’t. But you can still have a sincere dialogue in order to understand.
 
I would imagine if he’s spent time in the seminary, he’s pretty much analyzed his situation and made his choice. I’m not sure there’s much you could add that he doesn’t know or hasn’t already heard.

I’m sure someone will correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m thinking the only way he can be homosexual and stay in good standing with the Church is to be celibate.

I had a gay uncle and the conflict (family and within) he suffered between his sexuality and the Church was heartbreaking.
 
Please refrain from speaking to or about this man about his sexual orientation or Church teachings on the matter. Period. Out of respect for your cousin, since he is old enough to be your uncle and since his problem is deeply entrenched and extremely personal, I would say that you should simply mind your own business and pray for him every often. One of your life-tasks at this point is not to figure out why family members or friends must carry the crosses that they bear. Prayer is enough. Remain humble and work on your own spiritual issues instead.
 
how would you deal with an aunt who divorced and remarried without annulment years ago and has been with her second husband ever since?

how would you deal with a cousin who brags about cheating on his taxes all the time?

how would you deal with a much older sister who has had 3 children out of wedlock, by three different men?

how would you deal with a grandmother who gossips and trashes neighbors, parishioners and other family members all the time?
 
Love the sinner hate the sin. I have had to deal with this before and it is very difficult. Pray for them the person I have prayed for for many years is now coming around top understand the sin.
 
All of you have been most helpful. ASQUARED, he doesn’t have good standing with the Church as he has been in a relationship for many years. Anyway, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I am not interested in bomb-throwing or the like. If nothing else, I am sincerely curious about his journey thus far. You see, it was a rather drastic turn he took…going from celibate seminarian to living an uncelibate lifestyle, totally separated from the Church. Its not as if he was ever in some in between stage, one in which he was feeling the pressure of his attractions, but at least trying fighting it to be in line with his faith. From what my families says, it was a drastic leap he took from one end of the spectrum to the other. I don’t believe that I will cure him either. I know that the best “weapon” is prayer, as he, no doubt, knows his afflictions. Once again, I am just intrigued with the path that he chose to this point. Thanks and God bless.

Oh, I also see the parallelism that was given in an earlier post asking about what to do with family members who have left the Church for various other reasons. I also have cousins who haven’t had former marriages annulled and have not returned. This is also a “touchy” one. As far as a family member who cheats Uncle Sam, that one deserves a good old smack on the head for the accused. You don’t have to walk on egg shells for those types.
 
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SAINThoodSEEKER:
Its not as if he was ever in some in between stage, one in which he was feeling the pressure of his attractions, but at least trying fighting it to be in line with his faith. From what my families says, it was a drastic leap he took from one end of the spectrum to the other. I don’t believe that I will cure him either.
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How do you know he wasn’t fighting his sexual feelings in the seminary? He doesn’t have to act on the feelings to have them. Also, what makes you think he told the family everything?

Along with most of the other responders, I suggest you pray for him and leave him alone to live his life as he sees fit.
 
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SAINThoodSEEKER:
…I am sincerely curious about his journey thus far. You see, it was a rather drastic turn he took…going from celibate seminarian to living an uncelibate lifestyle, totally separated from the Church. Its not as if he was ever in some in between stage, one in which he was feeling the pressure of his attractions, but at least trying fighting it to be in line with his faith. From what my families says, it was a drastic leap he took from one end of the spectrum to the other. I don’t believe that I will cure him either. I know that the best “weapon” is prayer, as he, no doubt, knows his afflictions. Once again, I am just intrigued with the path that he chose to this point. Thanks and God bless.

Oh, I also see the parallelism that was given in an earlier post asking about what to do with family members who have left the Church for various other reasons. I also have cousins who haven’t had former marriages annulled and have not returned. This is also a “touchy” one. As far as a family member who cheats Uncle Sam, that one deserves a good old smack on the head for the accused. You don’t have to walk on egg shells for those types.
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I do not want to be harsh, so please forgive me for saying this, but I think you should reflect on whether it is good for your spiritual health to indulge in gossip with other members of your family.

Offering correction those who ask your opinion–particularly those who brag to you directly about their sins!–is another case, but otherwise do not be anxious to correct those over whom you have no authority, nor to gather information to gauge your opinion on the sinfulness of someone else’s life. It is a red herring. The sins that should concern us the most should be our own. Gossip, rash judgement, and doing damage to the reputation of others are serious faults, albeit ones that a great many of us have–this author included!

Parents, spiritual directors, and others in authority excepted, most of us have no excuse for such an exercise. As for the rest of us, it usually does far more harm than good, besides robbing us of our peace.

Speaking of… I’d be doing better to be getting some sleep, and not here. Adios!
 
I’m not gossiping. That’s ridiculous! I haven’t bashed him, nor have I given out his name or whereabouts. I posted this situation as a question as to what sort of approachs that I could possibly take if I chose to speak with him about it. I’m not interested in being an enabler of any kind. Some of my family members have already suffered in this way regarding alcoholism (not to gossip ). Look, as Catholics we have an obligation to preach the Gospel. My cousin is in a unique situation though because he has a strong past affiliation with the Church. That’s why I’ve only felt the call to speak with him about it using questions. If I would, I wouldn’t set up some interview using note cards or anything like that. This isn’t “The O’Reilly Factor”! It would only come if we found ourselves alone and the moment was opportune. You nor anyone else knows our relationship and the level of sensitivity that our conversations can reach. As to my “spiritual health”…I think its just fine thank you. I am my own worst critic…actually I am too unforgiving of myself many times. I’ve had many a priest tell me that I shouldn’t be less forgiving of myself than God is! So don’t allude to the idea that I’m not focusing enough on my faults just because I’m *thinking * of asking my cousin a few questions in a heart to heart discussion (only when we have another one). We as Catholics today don’t have a problem with extremes. We don’t go overboard, we don’t have to worry about another bout of Crusades. I believe that if we are going to err, than why not have it be on the side of maybe going a little too far. Why should I go with the present flow and bury my head in the sand when I have an obligation to spread the truth. All you New Age Catholics out there won’t like this, but that’s too bad…and that’s the memo.
 
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SAINThoodSEEKER:
Why should I go with the present flow and bury my head in the sand when I have an obligation to spread the truth. All you New Age Catholics out there won’t like this, but that’s too bad…and that’s the memo.
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If he spent a year in the seminary, he is probably quite aware of the truth, and certainly knows where to find it if he so desires. He’s not totally unaware of truth, he has simply chosen another path.

If he had no idea what Church teaching was on homosexual actions, that would be one thing, but from what little you have shared, I imagine that he’s quite aware of what these teachings are or is able to find out rather easily.
 
Has anyone else received a personal e-mail from the author of this thread telling you to mind your own business because she didn’t agree with your opinion (which she asked for)?

If not, you should be expecting mail soon.
 
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LeahInancsi:
Has anyone else received a personal e-mail from the author of this thread telling you to mind your own business because she didn’t agree with your opinion (which she asked for)?

If not, you should be expecting mail soon.
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This topic isn’t about me, it is about my original concern. I have received some great info from all of you. You all have set me at ease to a certain degree because I have felt a certain obligation to learn more about this situation and possibly speak to the person of interest. Now I see that with this individual’s apparent knowledge of Church teaching, I may be “off the hook” in this way…but I still need to pray. I don’t know, I guess I always feel that I do too little. Once again, the thread was created by me to gather information and assistance. If you wish to make it personal, take a hike! Oh, by the way, I’m not a girl :tiphat: God bless you all.
 
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Cupofkindness:
Please refrain from speaking to or about this man about his sexual orientation or Church teachings on the matter. Period. Out of respect for your cousin, since he is old enough to be your uncle and since his problem is deeply entrenched and extremely personal, I would say that you should simply mind your own business and pray for him every often. One of your life-tasks at this point is not to figure out why family members or friends must carry the crosses that they bear. Prayer is enough. Remain humble and work on your own spiritual issues instead.
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Good post! I agree.
 
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SAINThoodSEEKER:
I’m not gossiping. That’s ridiculous! I haven’t bashed him, nor have I given out his name or whereabouts. I posted this situation as a question as to what sort of approachs that I could possibly take if I chose to speak with him about it. I’m not interested in being an enabler of any kind. Some of my family members have already suffered in this way regarding alcoholism (not to gossip ). Look, as Catholics we have an obligation to preach the Gospel. My cousin is in a unique situation though because he has a strong past affiliation with the Church. That’s why I’ve only felt the call to speak with him about it using questions. If I would, I wouldn’t set up some interview using note cards or anything like that. This isn’t “The O’Reilly Factor”! It would only come if we found ourselves alone and the moment was opportune. You nor anyone else knows our relationship and the level of sensitivity that our conversations can reach. As to my “spiritual health”…I think its just fine thank you. I am my own worst critic…actually I am too unforgiving of myself many times. I’ve had many a priest tell me that I shouldn’t be less forgiving of myself than God is! So don’t allude to the idea that I’m not focusing enough on my faults just because I’m *thinking *of asking my cousin a few questions in a heart to heart discussion (only when we have another one). We as Catholics today don’t have a problem with extremes. We don’t go overboard, we don’t have to worry about another bout of Crusades. I believe that if we are going to err, than why not have it be on the side of maybe going a little too far. Why should I go with the present flow and bury my head in the sand when I have an obligation to spread the truth. All you New Age Catholics out there won’t like this, but that’s too bad…and that’s the memo.
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My goodness. I’m a bit surprised at the vehemence of your response.

Okay, to answer your points:

I didn’t mean to imply that you’re gossiping to us. I meant to refer to the common practice of trading stories within a family in which relatives present compare notes about whether the group approves of what relatives not present are up to. The red flag indicating when this might be a problem is when you could be fairly certain that the discussion would not be anything like the same if the person under discussion were actually present. Suffice it to say that when I suggested reflection I meant that you would of course ignore the advice if it didn’t apply to you or your family.

Your question is of interest on this forum because you are not in anything like a unique situation. Really. You asked what we thought. Well, some of us, by our experience, think that if you have an opportunity to talk with a family member about a spiritual problem of which they are well aware, knowing full well that they are well-versed on the Church’s position… in most cases, particularly if you are not their pastor, parent, or spouse, our best advice is: Don’t. I will wager that most of us weighing in on that side have violated that maxim often enough to know whereof we speak. Been there, done that. Please… be wiser and more humble than we have been… Don’t do it.

It is striking, really, when one reads the Gospels, how much more passionate Jesus was to impress upon people the seriousness of the sins of judgement and condemnation of others, compared to sexual sins. Consider also this story, told about one of the Desert Fathers (hardly a New Ager!). Concerning Jesus’ description of the Final Judgement–which, by the way, makes no mention of sexual sins–he was asked to speculate about who would be among the the sheep and who would be among the goats. His reply? “I am one of the goats. As for the sheep, only God knows.”

You say your spiritual health is “just fine, thank you.” That may be the attitude of a sainthood seeker, but I cannot remember ever reading that anything like that was ever uttered by an actual saint. It would seem that the closer you get, the farther that the summit appears.
 
Wow, to all of you who simply responded:“No” to my question…Thank you! That was all I needed…well, along with the advice to keep in prayer.

answer to original question: “No”
what to do instead: “Pray”

This isn’t a theology course…those 2 words (above) were that all I was looking for. :irish2:

Can I delete this thread now?
 
BLB Oregon,
I agree with what you present, the problem is that your example of Christ in the Gospels doesn’t coorelate to my situation. Jesus was speaking of those who judge and condemn…does He not? I (originally and throughout the posting) have asked if it would be “over the top” to simply inquire about his journey to this point. As every living being on this website has mentioned, his knowledge of the faith is very much advanced. He needs no teaching of this…especially by yours truly. THIS was never my intention. I respect my relative. We have always gotten along just fine. He is one of the kindest people I know. However, I am very curious about what he believes at this point and why he chose what he chose. You see, I have had no intentions other than pure inquiry…calm, respectful inquiry. On a measure of respect for him, this would be far from “throwing stones” or condemning him. You see this is why the Gospel example as well as others that you all have given don’t fit. There was never an intent of condemnation to begin with. I see that I need to pray for him and let him be. I am more than happy to do that…as I would be very apprehensive if I were in a position where I should speak with him on the matter.
 
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SAINThoodSEEKER:
This topic isn’t about me, it is about my original concern. I have received some great info from all of you. You all have set me at ease to a certain degree because I have felt a certain obligation to learn more about this situation and possibly speak to the person of interest. Now I see that with this individual’s apparent knowledge of Church teaching, I may be “off the hook” in this way…but I still need to pray. I don’t know, I guess I always feel that I do too little. Once again, the thread was created by me to gather information and assistance. If you wish to make it personal, take a hike! Oh, by the way, I’m not a girl :tiphat: God bless you all.
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If you didn’t wish to make this a “personal” issue, why did you send me a personal e-mail telling me to, for the most part, not to disagree with you in your thread.

I’d post your e-mail to me, but I deleted it. Such a petty issue.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL AND DIFFICULT IT IS FOR A PERSON TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN HOMOSEXUALITY??? Don’t pour salt in his wounds. So many have done this before you. In addition to the uncle it mentioned earlier, he had a nephew and my cousin who the family also suspects to be gay. He was pushed into the seminary all the way through his education by his parents. My mother suspects that the motive was to bury the somewhat “strange” child in the priesthood. Believe me, no dummies make it to ordination into the priesthood. On the eve of his ordination, he joined the Navy (this way during WWII). The invitations were out and everything set. At the last minute, he did what he knew what right. After the Navy, we lost track of him, but know that he moved to California (as far away from his home of Indiana as possible) and dedicated his life to serving the needy through social work, etc. He never married. Eventhough I never knew him, I will always appreciate him and love him for the suffering he may have suffered. Regardless of the reason he chose not to be ordained a priest, it must have been a heart wrenching decision. He was much stronger than our uncle who killed himself through addiction to alcohol.

I think all of us understand your interest in your cousin’s life. He almost made it to the priesthood, but backed out. Please believe the he did not make that decision lightly. It took a tremendous amount of courage to do what he did and the pain involved must have been unbearable. Can you imagine loving God, but He finds fault in you that you have no control over?

Sidebar: I truly believe that 99.9% of homosexuals are born that way and have no choice. Depending on your personality type, some can live life without romantic love, but most can’t. Personally, if it were my decision, I would have to take my chances on eternal damnation or confessing a long-term mortal sin on my deathbed, than suffering through life in misery. I’m not strong enough.

What I and others are asking is that you let this issue in his life remain in the past. He made his decision and he to live with it. PERIOD. Love him for the way he lives his life outside the bedroom. Let him know that you love him, regardless. The most you can do is PRAY for him. God will hear you and do what HE sees fit for your cousin.

I never took this personally, but you asked for advice and many of us are older and more experienced in matters such as this. Please forgive.
 
As the charity level in this thread is going downhill quickly and the OP’s question has been answered, I thank all who participated - this thread is now closed.

Mane Nobiscum Domine,
Ferdinand mary
 
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