Dealing with self-loathing and weakness

[mphill85]

Ever since I was a teenager I have been attracted to the flesh and being bi-sexual just added to the trouble. I became good with computers (especially with security and being subtle) through being addicted to porn. It has been probably 20 years since I became enticed and lustful after others (regardless if they were real people or some imaginary character). I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve fallen pray. And of course being addicted to porn led me into other vices and sins.

At the beginning I thought it was normal (especially since I wasn’t taught Christianity very much in my home), being a teenager and puberty and all that. I got into things that I shouldn’t have seen or done. Too late in realizing the repercussions of those sins follow me to this day. And too this day I still fall to my vices.

What this has led me to is a hate for myself. Despite going to confession practically every weekend, I give in to my temptations. What’s worse is I don’t have to see anything or hear anything remotely related to my vices to send myself falling. Reading a name, a random memory out of nowhere, a smell is enough to entice me.

I feel weak now and a failure because of the simplicity of me falling into sin. Despite what I hear from my pastor there are times I wonder what is God’s limit when it comes to me. I used to joke sometimes about having to go to confession so much but now I dread confession because it reminds me that I had failed again as I had countless times. The pastor and I have talked but even after confession (with a sense of not sinning again) not too long after I’m at it again.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like despite knowing what I’m doing is wrong it’s like I can’t find the off switch for whatever it is that’s causing me problems. I sometimes believe my worthiness is in question and that I’m possibly a living mockery of our church.

How do you all cope with this? How do you find the strength inside of you to say no and not look at mirror in disgust of your reflection?

Yes I do have mental issues (depression and anxiety especially)

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

How do you all cope with this? How do you find the strength inside of you to say no and not look at mirror in disgust of your reflection?

Still trying to figure that out myself, buddy. You’d be amazed at how many of us are.

Yes I do have mental issues (depression and anxiety especially)

That explains a lot. Have you sought counseling/medication?

Despite what I hear from my pastor there are times I wonder what is God’s limit when it comes to me. I used to joke sometimes about having to go to confession so much but now I dread confession because it reminds me that I had failed again as I had countless times.

Well, that’s definitely one thing you don’t have to worry about. There is no limit to God’s mercy for the repentant heart. More rejoicing over the one than the 99, after all.

FWIW, it’s really hard to embarrass yourself to a priest in confession (they’ve heard it all), so never be afraid to approach the sacrament on that account.

 

[mphill85]

Ive tried but counseling seems to have hit a impass (I think my social worker has hit his limit) and medicine doesn’t seem to have any kind of effect on me.

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

Ive tried but counseling seems to have hit a impass (I think my social worker has hit his limit) and medicine doesn’t seem to have any kind of effect on me.

That’s the beauty of psychiatry, bro: there are many different kinds of medication, and many different counseling methods. You need to tell your GP what’s going on, and see if they have any alternative recommendations.

 

[mphill85]

It’s interesting you mention crosses. I’ve worn crosses around my neck but I have never seem to find my true cross to carry on my shoulders. Sometimes I feel left out because I don’t feel that weight on me.

 

[Lara]

Quote: “Despite what I hear from my pastor there are times I wonder what is God’s limit when it comes to me.”

To me, it might be you’re trying to find God’s limit.

Anyhow, I’m going to give you an alternate view of this. It’s not Catholic teaching, but rather my view. I think many people get caught in traps such as not having confidence, or self-loathing because it serves a purpose for them. That doesn’t mean they like that things go this way. So the purpose could be you gain attention, or you may find it allows you to not have to focus on the real problem, or it allows you to get out of certain duties. Example: A person knows he should be giving pro-life talks, because his girlfriend had an abortion and he has a particular gift to do this. Instead, he ends up complaining to himself that he lacks confidence. Result: he can prolong action.

Now I don’t have any idea what self-loathing is helping you accomplish, but you do. Fill in this blank: If I stopped self-loathing, then I could help myself by … and help others by … Plus God would be happier because…

Here’s another concept. You sound like just another ordinary sinner, but each of us wants to be special. So we tell ourselves we’re not like others. This gives us a sense of pride. Why not be happy being an ordinary sinner for a while, until you get these sins under control? Be humble and confess the same time every week. Expect that you will be where you are at, and not a farthing farther. Maybe you just need to be humble for a while. It reminds me of some artists. They can’t just paint an ordinary farm scene. No they have to come up with something really strange, like elephant dung on a cross or something. Why not just be an ordinary artist with a few good paintings under your belt? Why don’t you just be a happy depressed person for a while, happy knowing you can’t change your depressed state for now.

 

[MaryT777]

With mental health issues and addiction it sounds like you lessen your culpability of sin. Your priest could speak of this or perhaps already has about the conditions for sin to be mortal.

I struggle with a different sin that has haunted me for 10 years. I spoke with a priest and he said the best thoughts of those addicted with sins (he works with College Students at a Newman Center and is a parochial vicar at another Parish) is to just increase the time between sinning a little at a time.

Thus if say you want to drink too much and normally drink every 3 hours or so, try 2 hours 45 minutes and then get a drink. Lessen the time by SMALL increments and perhaps you will lessen your addiction.

This has worked for me for a different sin, and I just “throw it out there” for an option. ’

God bless.

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