Death--how Do You Explain It To A Young Teen?

[sparkle]

Hello Dear Friends. Could you help me explain “death” to one of my young teens? HE is having a very hard time with the loss of one of his cousins, 18, from a recent car accident. He is having panic attacks, bouts of not being able to eat, school work worsening, and much anxiety. Last nite at my son’s football game, there was this fellow who looked exactly like his cousin, who recently died. My youngest son (12) couldn’t breathe, was turning red in the face, and has been having major difficulty with it all. What should I do? I have told him he’s in heaven, etc…but still it is effecting his life. My 14 yo and 15 yo seem to have realized it and are able to move on, but my 12 yo idolized him, and seems to be having just the hardest time. Is there anyone with such an experience out there who can shed some wisdom on the situation? I’m at a loss of words or what to say or do at this point.

Thank you so much,
Luv,
Sparkle

 

[SMHW]

sparkle:

Hello Dear Friends. Could you help me explain “death” to one of my young teens? HE is having a very hard time with the loss of one of his cousins, 18, from a recent car accident. He is having panic attacks, bouts of not being able to eat, school work worsening, and much anxiety. Last nite at my son’s football game, there was this fellow who looked exactly like his cousin, who recently died. My youngest son (12) couldn’t breathe, was turning red in the face, and has been having major difficulty with it all. What should I do? I have told him he’s in heaven, etc…but still it is effecting his life. My 14 yo and 15 yo seem to have realized it and are able to move on, but my 12 yo idolized him, and seems to be having just the hardest time. Is there anyone with such an experience out there who can shed some wisdom on the situation? I’m at a loss of words or what to say or do at this point.

Thank you so much,
Luv,
Sparkle

First of all, I’m sorry for the loss of this nephew.

I’m sure your son UNDERSTANDS death just fine. What he is rejecting is the FACT of it. He’s probably in the stage of grieving where he is determined to just wish/think away the reality of what happened. He needs to accept that there IS and always will be a hole in his life and in the lives of your extended family. But eventually it won’t hurt quite so much.

Perhaps what he needs is a way to give meaning to his grief. I don’t know what caused the car accident or if there was any way to have prevented it but perhaps your son needs to work on some means to prevent teenage deaths. He can campaign for wearing seatbelts, improving road conditions, driving the speed limit, not drinking and driving, etc.

 

[mom2boyz]

You have my deepest sympathies on the loss of your nephew.

First off grieving is very hard and everyone does it individually. The things you are mentioning sound very much like physical manifestations of grief. He is sad and hurting. This loss for him could be like the equivalent of having surgery without anethesia or painkillers. For grief there is no magic pill that makes it better. Grief is both physical and mental.

It may be that your son will need additional support such as a counselor to help him with his grief. Because he had a special relationship with his cousin it may take more time than for someone who did not have this relationship. Sometimes it helps to talk to others who have experienced this type of loss. Does your church have a grief support group? You could ask if they know of someone who could speak with your son. The funeral home might also have suggestions on resources for helping your son. Some hospital offer grief support for teens and children. Maybe the school would even know of some local grief support resources for children.

Here are a couple of web sites that you might try to help you get the information you need to help your son.

www.thesantuaryforgrief.org
www.groww.org They have a chat room for young people who have lost someone.

Does your church have a special way that they remember the deceased? Some churches have a special mass for remembering the dead on All Souls Day, Nov 2.

What always amazes me is that grief is often expected to be resolved within months. Your nephew was part of your son’s life for years and your son cared for him in a special way. It may take a while to resolve in his mind. It really is hard to take in and accept the fact that you will never be with the person you loved again in this lifetime.

 

[sparkle]

Thank you so much! Momof3boys–thanks especially for taking the time to provide that website too!
Yes, grief is very hard. We all have been dealing with it the best we can. My poor little guy is having the hardest time. He talks about him every day.

Thx again~~