Deep fear (long story)

[Crown_of_Stars]

Hi. I’m new to Catholic Answers forum, and have introduced myself in the “Meet and Greet” thread. I have read on this site for a while, and I’ve been watching the videos of the radio show. I’m not one to share too much about my personal life, but I am a Catholic woman, born and raised. For the past few years or so, I have grown in my faith. It has grown even deeper in just the past few months. While I have always been a practicing Catholic, I’ve just been giving thought about God and Jesus more deeply lately. I attend Mass every week, and I believe in the teachings of the Church. I know I lead a reasonably decent life, and I believe in placing the events of my life in God’s hands. I feel comforted to know there is Someone who watches over us and takes care of us (for those of us who let Him in) …and yet this deep dear I have contradicts everything I have just written. I’m afraid I will not be saved. I realize it may just be an irrational fear, but the thought of spending eternity in Hell terrifies me and I absolutely do not want to end up there. It used to be thought of all the torture and demons and pain and fire that scared me, but now even more so than this is the sick sadness of the thought of being separated from God, Jesus, and all that is good forever…and even the thought of it is unbearable. I think about/ worry about it almost every day, and I fear my soul might not be in a state of grace. How does one really know?
In church this morning, I sat at the very back because I was feeling very emotional and didn’t want anyone to notice. Throughout most of the hour-long Mass, I kept having to dab at my eyes with a Kleenex, and I found even the littlest things were deeply affecting me. For example, when we were all standing and saying the “Our Father”, I teared up and had to keep from starting in again because of the thought that this was the prayer Jesus taught His followers. I was really worried that I would be a mess come time to go up for Communion, because the song was “We Remember How You Loved Us To Your Death”, but I was okay. I suppose because I knew the priest would notice me in tears and I was able to control it. Then earlier during the Gospel, when the Deacon was talking about the end of life, he said how we hope at this end Jesus will say to us “Well done, thy good and faithful servant.” I had a very hard time with this, and was trying to hold back tears but they were coming, because I thought of how if only I could be certain that I will be met with these comforting words at the end of my life. It was just little things like this, all throughout the Mass, and I suppose my question is…. Is this fear I have irrational? Could I be in danger of Hell if I have no mortal sins that I know of, and truly care about God and want to be with Him more than anything at the end? I know, as a raised Catholic, I should know the answer to this, but I needed any words anyone might have to offer. I think the reason I have this fear is because the only thing about me is that I struggle with the most awful unwanted thoughts. I’ve read threads on them on this forum and others, and I feel even though these thoughts horrify me and I do not want them, their intrusion into my mind must mean I am a terrible person to even accidentally have them happen. I’m afraid these thoughts might keep me from being saved, even though I know it isn’t my fault. It’s something I try to control, and I don’t even want them and they don’t even make sense, they just come into my mind as though by force. Some of you might advise me to talk to my Priest about this, which I’ve been considering.
Thank you for reading this long thread. I’m glad I found this site, and I’ve enjoyed reading on it.

Peace,
Crown of Stars

 

[vsedriver]

you might want to talk to your doctor. You may be developing an anxiety disorder.

 

[Robyn_p]

Could I be in danger of Hell if I have no mortal sins that I know of, and truly care about God and want to be with Him more than anything at the end?

Dear Crown of Stars. Do not worry. You are not in danger of hell. Hell, according to the Church is ‘the definitive self exclusion from communion with God and the blessed.’’ In other words, you cannot go to hell accidentally. You have to willingly reject God and his love. That’s the only possible way. So please, be at peace my friend. He loves you so much. As long as you are loving him back (which you clearly are.) He won’t let you fall.

I know, as a raised Catholic, I should know the answer to this, but I needed any words anyone might have to offer. I think the reason I have this fear is because the only thing about me is that I struggle with the most awful unwanted thoughts. I’ve read threads on them on this forum and others, and I feel even though these thoughts horrify me and I do not want them, their intrusion into my mind must mean I am a terrible person to even accidentally have them happen. I’m afraid these thoughts might keep me from being saved, even though I know it isn’t my fault. It’s something I try to control, and I don’t even want them and they don’t even make sense, they just come into my mind as though by force.

No, no no no 1000 times no. These thoughts are NOT your fault, and they do NOT mean you are a terrible person. And they will not keep you from being saved. I say this as one who also struggles with these thoughts. I also started to believe they meant I was lost. I was constantly being told by these thoughts that I am nothing and that nobody cares about what I do or say, and so I should just give up.

But someone pointed out to me something that changed all that. They said the reason you are having these thoughts is not because you are a bad person. but exactly the opposite. You are heading towards God, towards heaven, and the devil is scared!! He’s angry. He sees the saint you are starting to become, and he wants to stop you. That’s where these thoughts are coming from. Satan’s throwing everything he’s got at you to try and make you lose your hope and trust in God. Don’t listen to him.

Next time you hear those thoughts, do what I’ve started doing, just say, “Nice try buddy.” and start praying. I know it’s extremely hard. And it’s tempting to just wallow in these thoughts. But don’t. Do not let them get to you. Don’t be afraid of hell when these thoughts come, rejoice because it means you are on the road to heaven.

Most importantly, stay close to God. Read spiritual writings, go to adoration, go to a priest, keep the devil on defense.

I’ll leave you with these thoughts from St. Paul:

31 What then shall we say to this?*** If God is for us, who is against us?*** 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, will he not also give us all things with him? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies; 34 who is to condemn? Is it Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised from the dead, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us?[a] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, ***will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
***(Rom 8:31-39)

Do not be afraid. You are not alone. You can’t be separated from Christ unless you choose it. The devil can’t win, he’s already been beat.

 

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[MaryT777]

Dear Crown of Stars. Do not worry. You are not in danger of hell. Hell, according to the Church is ‘the definitive self exclusion from communion with God and the blessed.’’ In other words, you cannot go to hell accidentally. You have to willingly reject God and his love. That’s the only possible way. So please, be at peace my friend. He loves you so much. As long as you are loving him back (which you clearly are.) He won’t let you fall.

No, no no no 1000 times no. These thoughts are NOT your fault, and they do NOT mean you are a terrible person. And they will not keep you from being saved. I say this as one who also struggles with these thoughts. I also started to believe they meant I was lost. I was constantly being told by these thoughts that I am nothing and that nobody cares about what I do or say, and so I should just give up.

But someone pointed out to me something that changed all that. They said the reason you are having these thoughts is not because you are a bad person. but exactly the opposite. You are heading towards God, towards heaven, and the devil is scared!! He’s angry. He sees the saint you are starting to become, and he wants to stop you. That’s where these thoughts are coming from. Satan’s throwing everything he’s got at you to try and make you lose your hope and trust in God. Don’t listen to him.

Next time you hear those thoughts, do what I’ve started doing, just say, “Nice try buddy.” and start praying. I know it’s extremely hard. And it’s tempting to just wallow in these thoughts. But don’t. Do not let them get to you. Don’t be afraid of hell when these thoughts come, rejoice because it means you are on the road to heaven.

Most importantly, stay close to God. Read spiritual writings, go to adoration, go to a priest, keep the devil on defense.

I’ll leave you with these thoughts from St. Paul:

31 What then shall we say to this?*** If God is for us, who is against us?*** 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, will he not also give us all things with him? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies; 34 who is to condemn? Is it Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised from the dead, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us?[a] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, ***will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
***(Rom 8:31-39)

Do not be afraid. You are not alone. You can’t be separated from Christ unless you choose it. The devil can’t win, he’s already been beat.

Well said post. Welcome to the forums crown of stars and I hope that posting here can help alleviate your fears of hell.
Peace in Christ,
Mary.

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

Thank you, everyone, for your words. They uplifted my morning. I feel much better, and the comforting assurance was all I needed and hoped for. I will definitely take your comments to heart.

Peace,
Crown of Stars

 

[Hans_W]

You have chosen such a beautiful name. May I guess that it refers to our Queen in Heaven. Put yourself, your life and all your anxieties into her hands. She will lead you to her son.
Putting yourself under her protection, you will never have to worry. She will pray for you now, in your future and in the hour of your death.

 

[fred_conty]

Temptations are common with everyone. A wide variety of them. Some of the saints had strong temptations to blaspheme God. Those are not bad because they are not sins. In fact that is how we work out our salvation, by resisting evil. Therefore viewed in the right way, a temptation is a good thing so that we may prove to our dear saviour how much we care for him. St. Paul asked God to remove a temptation and he was told that the grace he received was sufficient.

So we are exorcising virtue when we resist. And so this is an opportunity to use the grace that God gave us not only for ourselves, but for others to keep them from going to eternal loss. It is a type of suffering in the here and now that we offer to God on his altar at the Mass, just as his beloved son offered his suffering on the cross.

The devil will of course try to make you feel guilty for even having a temptation which the devil himself in many instances is the cause. He wants to make you feel unworthy because you are having bad thoughts. Do yourself a big favor and thank Jesus for the temptations he allows you to have so that you may show him your love and loyalty. You can turn the whole thing around and boost your closeness with Jesus.

May the God of hope fill you with every joy.

 

[ynotzap]

Love casts out fear, could the one you love hurt you? Are you convinced Jesus loves you? After all He loved us while we were in sin. Will He protect you with His love? He came for such as you and me, praise God. Be at peace! We are all sinners trying our best, peace to men of good will, isn’t that what the Angels said on the first Christmas? As one poster said "Nice try evil one!

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

You have chosen such a beautiful name. May I guess that it refers to our Queen in Heaven. Put yourself, your life and all your anxieties into her hands. She will lead you to her son.
Putting yourself under her protection, you will never have to worry. She will pray for you now, in your future and in the hour of your death.

Thank you for complimenting my name. Yes, it’s chosen because it refers to Mary. I have always thought the quote in Revelation was beautiful: “A woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars.” I so much want to be immaculate of soul. (Maybe Mary only has that honor, but I just mean I long to have a sparkling white soul, so to speak)
Thank you, everyone, for the comments. Haven’t read on this board for a few days. I went to Mass this evening, and it was beautiful, and I wasn’t emotional. I had a much easier time. And what better way to end my night than with watching the EWTN movie “Mary of Nazareth”. The first part was on tonight, and next Saturday night is the second and concluding part. I really loved the movie, and thought it was very nicely depicted.

Thank you again, everyone, for all your kind and comforting words. This is a very nice community!

Peace,
Crown of Stars

 

[Hans_W]

Thank you for complimenting my name. Yes, it’s chosen because it refers to Mary. I have always thought the quote in Revelation was beautiful: “A woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars.” I so much want to be immaculate of soul. (Maybe Mary only has that honor, but I just mean I long to have a sparkling white soul, so to speak)
Thank you, everyone, for the comments. Haven’t read on this board for a few days. I went to Mass this evening, and it was beautiful, and I wasn’t emotional. I had a much easier time. And what better way to end my night than with watching the EWTN movie “Mary of Nazareth”. The first part was on tonight, and next Saturday night is the second and concluding part. I really loved the movie, and thought it was very nicely depicted.

Thank you again, everyone, for all your kind and comforting words. This is a very nice community!

Peace,
Crown of Stars

I am glad that you are feeling so much better. Keep in mind that Jesus didn’t promise us a bed of roses for our lives. Don’t get alarmed if your negative feelings come back occasionally, but rest reassured that you will get out if it again, that you will find comfort again.

My favourite saying of Jesus is “take up your cross and follow me”.

As another poster suggested, if those feelings persist, don’t hesitate to consult a doctor as well.

 

[Crown_of_Stars]

My favourite saying of Jesus is “take up your cross and follow me”.

I think of that often too, about what my “Crosses” are. There are certain particular sayings which seem to come into my mind quite often. The “judge not and you will not be judged,” and “forgive others, and your Father will forgive you.”