Delicate Situation

[pprimeau1976]

What is a person’s moral culpability of leaving the Church if they leave it for reasons such as their parents were physically and emotionally abusive and were Catholics as well?

I know of a person who is in this situation. His parents are orthodox Catholics now, but in their earlier years when raising him they would discipline him in a way that would today be considered criminal. In other words, his beatings were severe.

Furthermore, his parents have now tried to bring him back to the faith, but this drives him away further. I have recommended that they simply pray for him, since they have not fully addressed their sons issues regarding their disciplinary techniques.

Any suggestions I can offer to the parents? Any ideas as to how culpable he would be as far as leaving the faith?

 

[1ke]

We cannot speculate on the mental state of this person, and culpability certainly has to do with their interior state.

Encourage the son to talk to a priest and a counselor, and encourage the parents to own up to what they did, admit it was wrong to their son, and apologize sincerely.

If they are not truly sorry for the abuse they inflicted then how can they expect their son to believe anything else they say?

 

[otjm]

Without knowing more of the situation, it would be impossible to say what your response to the parents should be. If you have information from them directly, then you may be able to speak with them. If your information is from their son, then I would bet a lot of $$ that he either intended, or would respond that he intended, that the information be kept confidential. Speak to them and at the minimum you risk losing his relationship, not to even begin to guess how they would react.

In essence, your comments about his treatment are an indictment of child abuse by the parents. Most people do not take kindly to hearing about how they have abused one of more of their children. Further, unless you have heard both sides of the story, you only have the statements from one side (presumably his).

What if the abuse did not happen? Or what if what happened was nowhere near as bad as related? Assuming you only have information from him, how might they react, and how might you react to their reaction?

To say that this is a can of worms doesn’t really begin to describe it. I would suggest that it is not up to you to confront the parents; not that your suggestion - their apology - is innately wrong, but that you are not the person to bring this issue together. A counselor might be able to do it, assuming 1) that the son agrees, 2) they agree, and 3) the counselor knows what he or she is doing (i.e. is trained to handle this type of issue).

I think 1, 2 & 3 are all lacking on your part.

There is an old phrase: “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread”. You might want to think long and hard on this one. I have no doubt you care, but caring isn’t going to solve this issue.

 

[pprimeau1976]

I do know both sides of the story, but I would never accuse anyone of child abuse. What I told the parents is essentially what St. Monica was told by a bishop regarding her son, St. Augustine:

“Talk to Augustine less about God and talk to God more about Augustine.”

The information I got was first hand and second hand. I don’t want to stir up old wounds though.

 

[otjm]

I do know both sides of the story, but I would never accuse anyone of child abuse. What I told the parents is essentially what St. Monica was told by a bishop regarding her son, St. Augustine:

“Talk to Augustine less about God and talk to God more about Augustine.”

The information I got was first hand and second hand. I don’t want to stir up old wounds though.

Even bringing up the issue of punishments and how the child reacted to them is to bring up the issue of "child abuse; one doesn’t need to use the words to get a parent’s hackles up.

My suggestion is to not speak to the parents about anything you have been told.

Without getting into the issue of the rightness or wrongness of the child’s choices, what I sense is a control issue on the part of the parents; excessive punishment is often related to this. I don’t doubt they want the child to go to church, but it sounds as if they are still trying to control. And the more they try to control, the more reaction they will get against control.

I am not suggesting that no control will send the child running back to church; we all know better. But your advice is very good; pray, trust God, and love the child.