Depressed over daughters choices and treatment

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prayer_man

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I’m new to this so and apologize as if I go on a tangent or sound confused but I could use your thoughts and prayers. I have a child that just turned 21 and is at home still. While I love her as dearly now as the day she was born, I’m torn on how to help her and I’m falling into depression.
I see very little of her as she only talks to me when she needs something and is ready for an argument if I do not agree or comply. My rules or expectations are pretty simple as I expect my children to treat each other and my wife and I kindly. I like to know where they are when they are out late as I constantly worry for their welfare.
I have always been there for my family as my parents were for me and this seems to be forgotten. Please pray for my guidance and for a release from the oncoming depression that sometimes feel like it is choking me.
God Bless
 
Please go to a doctor and ask about treatment for your depression. If it is more than just random brief unhappiness, then you can probably get relief from medication. It is hard to deal with unpleasant things at any time, but when depressed, it can seem that daily living is filled with insurmountable problems.

As for your daughter, is she working? Going to school? Is there a plan for her to eventually leave the house? I think you and your wife (assuming you have one) should sit down and decide what your boundaries and standards are. Your daughter is an adult and should treat the other members of the family with at least basic courtesy. It is just good manners to let people know of your whereabouts. If she cannot follow even the simplest of polite behaviors, then perhaps it is time for her to launch herself from the nest and become self-sufficient.

But do see your doctor. If you get treatment for your depression, there’s a good chance you won’t have repeat episodes.

I am adding you to my prayers.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Please go to a doctor and ask about treatment for your depression. If it is more than just random brief unhappiness, then you can probably get relief from medication. It is hard to deal with unpleasant things at any time, but when depressed, it can seem that daily living is filled with insurmountable problems.

As for your daughter, is she working? Going to school? Is there a plan for her to eventually leave the house? I think you and your wife (assuming you have one) should sit down and decide what your boundaries and standards are. Your daughter is an adult and should treat the other members of the family with at least basic courtesy. It is just good manners to let people know of your whereabouts. If she cannot follow even the simplest of polite behaviors, then perhaps it is time for her to launch herself from the nest and become self-sufficient.

But do see your doctor. If you get treatment for your depression, there’s a good chance you won’t have repeat episodes.

I am adding you to my prayers.
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I agree…

Also, it’s important to distinguish “rules of the house” vs “rules based on age”.
She IS and adult, and should be treated as such.
But, she is ALSO living under your roof, and she needs to understand there are rules associated with that entitlement.

Do you have any other children who are living *outside *the home? What freedoms do they have that this particular daughter is not receiving simply due to her living arrangements?
Is “I like to know where they are when they are out late as I constantly worry for their welfare.” an appropriate rule for a 21-year-old?
Maybe… maybe not…

It’s definitely time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with this daughter. Establish some new ground rules.
Start with:
  1. You love her.
  2. She is living under your roof.
  3. She IS and ADULT.
    …
    Go on from there… this may require COMPROMISE on both of your parts, so don’t expect this to go perfectly smoothly.
Prayers for you and your family.
 
As a mother with 2 adult children and 1 still at home my heart goes out to you. It’s hard as this little child grows up to be an adult and sometimes their choices don’t reflect what you tried to teach them. My suggestion is to sit down calmly and explain what is and isn’t o.k. in your home. Then I would suggest that maybe it is time she find her own place. I see many friends put up with stuff from their adult child just so they will stay living at home. The fact of the matter is our job as parents is to raise a healthy person who can live and be a productive part of the human race. If this is your oldest child letting them go can be a challenge. My prayers are with you.🙂
 
prayer_man said:
I’m new to this so and apologize as if I go on a tangent or sound confused but I could use your thoughts and prayers. I have a child that just turned 21 and is at home still. While I love her as dearly now as the day she was born, I’m torn on how to help her and I’m falling into depression.
I see very little of her as she only talks to me when she needs something and is ready for an argument if I do not agree or comply. My rules or expectations are pretty simple as I expect my children to treat each other and my wife and I kindly. I like to know where they are when they are out late as I constantly worry for their welfare.
I have always been there for my family as my parents were for me and this seems to be forgotten. Please pray for my guidance and for a release from the oncoming depression that sometimes feel like it is choking me.
God Bless
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Whether she’s living at home or in her own apartment, she should call you if she’s going to be late. As a parent I know how you feel when they’re not home when they said they’d be home.
At 21, your adult child should be paying room and board, help with the housework, put gas in the car if she’s using someone else’s car, work full time, and call when she’s late or not coming home.
If she can’t tolerate these rules, she, and you, would be better off if she found her own apartment.
 
prayer_man said:
I’m new to this so and apologize as if I go on a tangent or sound confused but I could use your thoughts and prayers. I have a child that just turned 21 and is at home still.
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A lot of advice will depend on your daughter’s situation. Is she working? going to school? What kind of behavior is driving you nuts? Just coming in late and not calling?

The truly hardest part about parenting is when you have to let go and kick the bird out of the nest and hope she flies.

Sit her down and ask her what her life goals are. If she doesn’t know tell her she has 30 days to come up with a plan and that you are open to assisting with helping her plan. Tell her at the end of 30 days you will pay for a deposit and one month’s rent on an apartment. After that she’s on her own but very welcome to come home for Sunday dinner. Please assure her that you are not doing this as a punishment but recognizing her right to live her life as she wishes as an independent adult.

Above all, keep very calm and be very happy and positive about the coming of age of your daughter.
 
Let’s put it this way: I once rented a room in a woman’s house. She had house rules that were part of our agreement, including a certain amount of housework and communal meal preparation that were my job. I was paying rent, but there is no way she would have tolerated any abusive behavior or speech from me. When I was a grown woman with grown roommates, instead of a landlady, it was still our agreement that we would let each other know where we were and when we expected to be back, if we were gone in the evening.

In other words, adults live according to consensus, and when one of the adults is also the owner of the house, the usual rule is “my home, my castle.” Other adults who don’t like the terms that go along with a particular home owner need to find domicile elsewhere. It would be unfair if you had one set of rules for one adult child and another set for another, unless each of the two children had done something to earn different treatment. Other than that, you don’t need to apologize for imposing house rules on those who live under your roof, whether or not they are relatives and whether or not they pay rent.

I would agree with the posters that suggest you avail yourself of professional counselling, at least as a screening, and to see if you have any medical cause underlying your feelings of depression. Without tending to yourself first, it will be very hard to address this problem with a calm heart and a clear head.

Do not expect your daughter to like it when you decide it is your perogative to take control of your household again. She may throw a fit. She may engage in namecalling and personal criticism. She may tell you that you hurt her feelings or show her disrespect by having personal boundaries that she doesn’t agree with. That is her concern. You don’t have to tolerate her decision to act inappropriately, in any event. Decide what your boundaries are, and then stick to your guns.
 
First off, this is a very timely post for me! I have an 18-year-old son (graduated from h.s.) living at home (working, not going to school) and we ask very little of him except to be respectful. He’s been very rude to his father and me lately and the things he said to me this morning before he left for work cut my heart to the quick. I just felt like a failure b/c he has always been a difficult child and obstinate to most things, including the Catholic faith. I went to Mass and when I got home I was feeling exhausted, so I was going to lie down for a little bit but my mother-in-law called. I hung up the phone after a few minutes and went to lie down again, but the phone rang again and it was my husband calling from work. By the time I got done talking with him, it was JUST TIME for Mother Angelica and the nuns to come on EWTN to pray the rosary, and I decided to do that instead of lie down. I cried and asked Mary to help my son–to ask her Son to give him grace. Well, just a little bit ago, he came home from work and said, “Mom, I’m sorry.” in a soft voice. I said, “Okay” and smiled. Then I looked up and said, “Thank you, Mary. Thank you, Jesus.” Mary feels for us mothers as only another mother can. When we’re dealing with adult children, I think all we can do is love them, set a good example, and PRAY. Pray the Rosary. (I’ve also put a green scapular under my son’s mattress within the last week.)
 
prayer_man said:
I’m new to this so and apologize as if I go on a tangent or sound confused but I could use your thoughts and prayers. I have a child that just turned 21 and is at home still. While I love her as dearly now as the day she was born, I’m torn on how to help her and I’m falling into depression.
I see very little of her as she only talks to me when she needs something and is ready for an argument if I do not agree or comply. My rules or expectations are pretty simple as I expect my children to treat each other and my wife and I kindly. I like to know where they are when they are out late as I constantly worry for their welfare.
I have always been there for my family as my parents were for me and this seems to be forgotten. Please pray for my guidance and for a release from the oncoming depression that sometimes feel like it is choking me.
God Bless
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I worry about my girls too. I told them I ask for the same respect I give them. I tell them when I will be out and when I will be home and I expect the same. I speak lovingly to them and I expect the same. I tell my children that my house is a house of peace and we all need to work to keep it that way. Thankfully, their father (my husband) feels the same way.
Your daughter is very lucky to have a dad who loves her and cares about her. A lot of 21 year old girls do not have that. God bless you and my family will pray for you and please pray for us.
 
prayer_man said:
I have a child that just turned 21 and is at home still . . .
I see very little of her as she only talks to me when she needs something and is ready for an argument if I do not agree or comply.
Click to expand...
If she’s going to argue when she doesn’t get to set her own rules, it’s time for her to go out on her own, and then she can be her own “boss.”
 
I’m one of the youngest in a large family. I got so I could predict about the time one of my older siblings needed to move out. They’d just get impossible to live with, and they didn’t cope well with either the younger kids or Mom and Dad’s rules. On the bright side, when they moved out and got their own place, everything was better for everyone. It was just time for them, that’s all. Others among the siblings stayed home many years after they went into the labor force, they had no problem with Mom & Dad’s rules, and so they stayed home until they decided that buying a home would be a good investment. That is what worked for them.

If you decide to tell your daughter to move out, OP, it doesn’t need to be said in a hostile way. You can just say, “You know, it isn’t unusual for adult children to get to the point where they need to be running their own castle. If that’s your case, you need to figure that out and find a way to start a home of your own. Until then, though, the adults at our house have rules we live by. We wouldn’t stay out until 2 am without telling you and each other where we were, we wouldn’t do it except once in a blue moon, and we expect the same in return from you. If that’s too strict for you, we understand. We don’t agree, but we understand. In that case, though, we won’t have any peace here until you start a household of your own.”

“Whatever the case with that, whether you stay or leave, you are not a child any more. You need to behave with the manners appropriate for adults, including how you lodge complaints and how you ask for favors. We won’t tolerate any less. I think you can gather what I mean, so I don’t think any more needs to be said about that.”
 
Is this behavior of hers new, or has it been going on for some time now?
 
aicirt said:
Whether she’s living at home or in her own apartment, she should call you if she’s going to be late.
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Why would she call about being out late if she’s living in her own apartment? :confused:
 
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