Depression and being married to alcoholic

[rubycanoe]

Hello,
I get so depressed. Today my husband told me to shut up and that i was nuts. It is so hard. He is an alcoholic. He went to treatment 4 years ago this month. My stepdaughter is a meth addict. Sometimes I just want to die. Fr Serpa seems to be for divorce /annulment. I am not in a physical/violent relationship. Just verbal . I feel I am not called to get a divorce but I dont know. AL-anon doesnt seem to help, or any of the new age stuff. There must be a Catholic Answer but I dont know what it is. If anybody knows, please tell me.
My sisters/brother are also A’S as is my mother, they are also on prescription drugs. It doesnt seem I know anyone who doesnt drink or think getting drunk is the answer, everyone at work says how I cant wait to go get drunk and drink large quantities etc… Is there any sober people out there who have been through it???
Let me know
thanks

 

[Uncle_David]

I’m guessing your husband has fallen off the wagon!?

God does not want you to be in an abusive relationship. Nor does the Catholic Church. Verbal/mental abuse hurts as much as physical abuse.

There was not a whole lot of information in your post so I hope you do not mind if I ask a couple of questions.

Why do you want to stay married to an abusive husband?

Is he drinking again?

Are you afraid to be alone?

My dad is an alcoholic (fortunately he has been sober for years). I have siblings, friends, in-laws who drink too much.
There are ways to still be around/involved when drinking does not happen.

Good Luck and God Bless!

 

[coyote]

You are abusing alcohol also aren’t you?

Alcohol is a DEPRESSANT.
Step number one–STOP DRINKING yourself.

 

[mary_bobo]

coyote:

You are abusing alcohol also aren’t you?

Alcohol is a DEPRESSANT.
Step number one–STOP DRINKING yourself.

I think this is a presumptive statement. Perhaps she is drinking herself, but I would be a little bit hesitant to say this unless I knew it to be true. I’m sure you meant no harm.

 

[cmt]

coyote:

You are abusing alcohol also aren’t you?

Alcohol is a DEPRESSANT.
Step number one–STOP DRINKING yourself.

Where in heavens name did you get that idea from her post? She lives with one and has a family full is what she said. NOT that she drinks.

I think you need to re-read her post.

 

[Tonks40]

You may want to contact your priest to see if he can recommend a Catholic counselor if you want to get help with a Catholic perspective. Also, try going through Catholic Charities. They have many programs and counselors that deal specifically with co-dependency, and may be able to find you a good Catholic program.

I’m bipolar - my husband is an alcoholic. We were able to get counseling, both together and seperate, in order to deal with these issues in our marraige. My husband, tho, had to admit to himself that his drinking was a major problem with our family, and had to decide **for himself **to go and get sober and get treatment for his alcoholism. It was either that or he wasn’t going to have a wife or child in his life any longer. Once he got help, he had to commit himself to staying sober, and continue to get counseling in order to maintain his sobriety (thank the Lord it will be 5 years sober this August!)

If your husband will not continue to get the treatment he needs, you need to leave. I understand how you feel about being surrounded by alcoholics - I was in a similiar situation myself. You’ve got to decide **right now **if you want to free yourself from this situation, and if it means leaving your husband because he won’t help himself, so be it. But don’t do it without getting the counseling you need for your co-dependency.

God bless you and I’ll be praying for you!

 

[jbuttrey]

Something to try when everything else fails?

Healing in the sacraments of the Catholic Church and Jesus as personal savior are the first things to try.

Then perhaps try the natural laws of God that can cure all kinds of problems.

1000s of people have been cured of alcoholism and some bipolar people cured from their ailments by following God’s laws about bad food. A wise man said the great doctors of the future will give the gift of good health through nutrition and prevention.

God’s natural law means to eat only things in their natural god made containers.

This means no white sugar or white flour. Both of which in any food polutes them to make profit for their makers.

I’ll pray for your family.

Brother John

 

[coyote]

rubycanoe:

, everyone at work says how I cant wait to go get drunk and drink large quantities etc…. Is there any sober people out there who have been through it???
Let me know
thanks

My apologies. I failed to accurately understand this statement. MY bad.

 

[otm]

rubycanoe:

Hello,
I get so depressed. Today my husband told me to shut up and that i was nuts. It is so hard. He is an alcoholic. He went to treatment 4 years ago this month. My stepdaughter is a meth addict. Sometimes I just want to die. Fr Serpa seems to be for divorce /annulment. I am not in a physical/violent relationship. Just verbal . I feel I am not called to get a divorce but I dont know. AL-anon doesnt seem to help, or any of the new age stuff. There must be a Catholic Answer but I dont know what it is. If anybody knows, please tell me.
My sisters/brother are also A’S as is my mother, they are also on prescription drugs. It doesnt seem I know anyone who doesnt drink or think getting drunk is the answer, everyone at work says how I cant wait to go get drunk and drink large quantities etc… Is there any sober people out there who have been through it???
Let me know
thanks

You need to get some professional help, and soon. There are groups for those who are married to alcoholics or those with other addictions, and they can help you to sort out how this waltz goes; there is a pattern to conduct by both parties, and until you understand the pattern, you will not be able to break it. Then he, too, needs to get into counseling.

That is the short answer, and a longer one just says the same thing. Unless and until you can understand the dynamics of addiction and co-dpenedency, you are bound to say in the spiral downward.

God bless, and get help; that is what it is there for.

Once you have been able to get help and understand your part in the process, you can start to try to make changes; if they work, great. If they do not, you will know you have tired your best, and need to find other alternatives.

One step at a time.

If, as you say, you have been through Al-Anon and that hasn’t worked, then get to a good solid marriage counselor, and start sorting the pieces; tell him that it is time he come too, unless he wnats to let you sort it out by yourself.

Marriage is a partnership; you cannot be both partners. You can only be yourself. If he is choosing to not be a partner, then at some point you will have to confront that fact and make whatever decision God leads you to.

 

[stanmaxkolbe]

Tonks40:

You may want to contact your priest to see if he can recommend a Catholic counselor if you want to get help with a Catholic perspective. Also, try going through Catholic Charities. They have many programs and counselors that deal specifically with co-dependency, and may be able to find you a good Catholic program.

I’m bipolar - my husband is an alcoholic. We were able to get counseling, both together and seperate, in order to deal with these issues in our marraige. My husband, tho, had to admit to himself that his drinking was a major problem with our family, and had to decide **for himself **to go and get sober and get treatment for his alcoholism. It was either that or he wasn’t going to have a wife or child in his life any longer. Once he got help, he had to commit himself to staying sober, and continue to get counseling in order to maintain his sobriety (thank the Lord it will be 5 years sober this August!)

If your husband will not continue to get the treatment he needs, you need to leave. I understand how you feel about being surrounded by alcoholics - I was in a similiar situation myself. You’ve got to decide **right now **if you want to free yourself from this situation, and if it means leaving your husband because he won’t help himself, so be it. But don’t do it without getting the counseling you need for your co-dependency.

God bless you and I’ll be praying for you!

God bless you for your advice. My father was an alcoholic [God rest his soul]. I will say that he was not abusive. He would come home and drink and go to bed. Never hit my mother. But today I understand how much that beer held him back.

I don’t understand what is bipolar?

By the way my Catholic sister, your cute.

 

[Tonks40]

stanmaxkolbe:

By the way my Catholic sister, your cute.

Old pic…don’t believe everything you see!

Bipolar disorder is what was used to be known as manic-depressive disorder. It’s a mood disorder that subjects someone who suffers from it major mood swings, from intense “highs” to depressive “lows.” With medication, and therapy, these mood swings can be controlled to something more even-keeled.

 

[jreinert]

You stated that “AL-anon doesnt seem to help, or any of the new age stuff.”

I can tell you, from my own experience and a number of other people’s experience, that Al-anon does work for many people. I am one of them. I am married to a practicing alcoholic, and it is through Al-anon AND my active participation in my Catholic faith that allows me to remain, for the most part, sane and spiritual.

You don’t say how many Al-anon meetings you attended, but if was only a few, I would suggest you try again. The 12-steps are a path to spiritual growth, and in my way in contradiction to my Catholic faith.

AA was founded in 1935 and I believe Al-anon shortly thereafter, so it is not “new age,” although if compared with 2,000 years of history I guess most things are “new age!”

I will pray for you. It is difficult to live with an alcoholic–I would say nearly impossible without help. I pray that you seek some source of help for you.

 

[Rebecca_New]

Stay-and make yourself the best person you can be in spite of any family member or friend. Remember that Jesus Christ was crucified between two criminals. He was total goodness through it all. It is possible for you to flourish with the graces from God, just ask Him.

 

[homewardangel]

rubycanoe

Unfortunately, I know exactly what you are going through. I also think that there is not one easy answer for everyone - but I will say that you need to detach from that relationship.It’s not easy.

I too was married to an alcoholic. When I think about it I thank God that he opened my eyes to enable to get out of that bad situation. I don’t know if you have children, but an alcoholic home is no place to raise children. By the age of 9 years old a child can be in complete denial and maladjust all of his or her actions and thoughts to fit the dysfunctional home. My oldest was 7 when I left my alcoholic spouse - and I can see the effects that those first years of her life had on her. As a family we are getting better everyday. The 3 of us (my 2 kids and I). Openly discuss the drinking problem and how it is that person’s chioce to drink. And should they decide to stop and “behave” and my youngest says - then we can think about our relationship again. (but I realize the drinking will not stop)

It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. Some people would never admit the drinking problem. I was even told by inlaws that I drink just as much - which was very infuriating to me.

My ALANON experiences were very bad also. I know that there must be good groups, but a group is only as good as the people who make up the group. I went to meetings with 2 different groups, they were both messed up. In one group the people refused to speak of God - it was a “higher being”, but it was NOT God. (I don’t know maybe Spock from Star Trek was supposed to help them???) Every one of them were living with the alcoholic in their lives and were enabling them to continue the drinking. It was very sad - the people had a rough life, but they were just allowing the drunk to drink himself futher into the grave.

Being alone is hard, but being married in a situation like thats was wrong. I don’t have the verse or the chapter, but somewhere in the bible it says that we are to tell our brother what they are doing wrong, if they don’t listen then we are to take them to someone and then to church to try to help. But if they won’t change then we are supposed to separate ourselves from them. I don’t understand what allows some alcoholics to change but not others. I think it is their environment…if the person is around drinkers they are going to drink - if the try to involve themselves in areas where there is not drinking that wil help them.

Just pray, pray and pray. I did novena after novena - St Philomena, St Therese, Holy Spirit - and anything else that I could find. But we can’t change anyone other than ourselves. Don’t be afraid to try to get some antidepressants and get a good counselor. I caution talking to priests, only because you need to be sure that it is a priest experienced and aware of these types of problems.

Terry

 

[dulcissima]

Hi there. I am married to an alcoholic that is verbally/emotionally abusive, and I know how hard it is. It does make you feel like you are just suffocating and have no worth. My priest did tell me to leave, since my husband won’t get any help. At first I didn’t want to, because it just felt too overwhelming and I wasn’t ready to give up, and then my priest actually gave me a 6 month deadline to leave. So, I am about two months away from that deadline, but am actively working to make it. It is a hard thing to do, but to be honest, I am not in the same place that I was four months ago. Now I am having a hard time waiting until the end of the school year, which is when we are going to leave. I am really looking forward to getting my life back, to getting my kids and myself into counseling, and moving forward.

I don’t know what the answer is for you, but I hope you decide to do something and not just live with the status-quo. I will keep you in my prayers.